"Rejecting Anders"

Why oh why had she ever taken Isabella's advice?

A few days after Fenris had left her she had gone to Isabella, just to talk, vent her feelings, have some 'girl talk'. Isabella knew about men...and women. If there was one among her friends who knew about these things, it was her. She had talked all evening, Isabella kept ordering drinks and the more she drank, the more she talked. It had felt good talking to her and Isabella to her credit had listened well despite there being way too many interruptions regarding Fenris' bedroom abilities. She made it seem less painful, making light of her problem and easing her guilt about how much she had hurt him.

"Oh Sweetie, I thought you knew more about men! They are all here for one purpose only – your personal pleasure, to expect any more of them is just to invite trouble on yourself. They aren't even aware half the time of the rubbish that goes through their heads! And that elf over there is no better. Admittedly, he is very cute – all that angst and broodiness is very attractive, but you have wasted enough of your time on him. "

She laughed that wonderful throaty laugh of hers and slapped Hawke on the back then pulled her close to her whispering conspirationally in her ear, "You know that women together can be so much better? I could help you discover the joys, I know all the places you like to be touched...I have them myself!" Hawke looks at her, a wry twist to her mouth. Isabella laughs again, "Hawke you are no fun! You should try something new, but I do know how hopelessly heterosexual you are. It's a great sadness to me, exploring the waves and depths of you would be very satisfying." Isabella kisses her roundly on the lips, "But I can see my charms do not ignite your flames, no matter...you are my friend and I love you.

It is a sin that the Chantry do not understand, that to live without the warmth of another body around you every night, is not to be living at all. Pleasure is all! Seek out another body, use it to take you on oceans of arousal, sail round the seas of your sexuality, and float your boat! Enough of these nautical references, I must be getting drunk, I always resort to puns when I'm drunk!"

Hawke laughs back at her, it is all so easy for Isabella, take what you can where you find it. Don't let feelings get in the way of a good rutting. May be it would be better to live like that – it would be so much less painful. The two of them order more drinks and Hawke feels the alcohol begin to ease her self-hate, well maybe ease is the wrong word, forget would be a better one.

Isabella leans into her again, "You know that Anders has been holding a candle for you for ages...That could be amazingly erotic...two for the price of one! I would have treaded that ground myself, but he can't get past the little obsession he has for you. "

Hawke splutters her beer and then sprays it all over the table, Isabella laughs loud again, "Don't tell me you haven't thought about it? He's not that bad looking; at least you wouldn't have to keep your eyes closed!"

"Isabella, you are incorrigible! Is there anyone who is not in your sights?"

"Absolutely not! Never discount anything, the most lowly, ugly, foul mouthed bastard, may be able perform magic in bed that you could never imagine from just looking at them. Believe me, I know. But my latest quest is Sebastian – that priest needs his eyes opened, he is far too handsome to keep all that muscle and charm away from the rest of the world. It is a great disappointment to me that a potential prince should be caught up with such as them. It is an intricate dance I shall play with him and I look forward to hearing him scream out some different chants! What a wonderful challenge he makes. A notch on my bedpost I look forward to carving."

"Is that all he will be?"

"Why not? The world is too full of interesting lovers to become attached to one is to miss out on all the rest. You need to let go Hawke, explore what is out there."

"Have you ever loved anyone? What about that husband you had, did you never care for him?"

"Care about him?...A little, but only as a means to an end. He was s greasy bastard and was shit between the bed sheets, and the only thing I loved about him was his ship. So it was convenient that I was married to him when he died...I inherited the ship! Strange to think that the most wonderful thing a man has ever done for me has been to die. Although I've never been quite sure if I should have thanked him or the assassin who killed him."

"Assassin?"

"Oh darling, that is a story for another time, tonight we talk about your story and where it leads from here."

As it turned out they had both become so drunk that their talk became incomprehensible even to each other. They had both ended up passed out with their heads on the table. Varric had stepped in and asked Fenris to carry them both to Isabella's bed in the 'Hanged Man' to sleep it off. Which he had done so with mutterings of how people only wanted him for his strength. Slinging one over his shoulder and then carrying the other in his arm, he had dumped them unceremoniously in Isabella's room to the sound of roaring laughter from other drunken patrons and lewd suggestions of what he should do to them whilst they were unconscious. Hawke's subsequent hangover had been punctuated by Isabella gleefully reporting to everyone how she had got Hawke into her bed at last.

Hawke remembered enough of the conversation to think on it often over the next few weeks. And while Fenris agreed to come along for all the work she asked him to, he seemed cold. Gone were the stolen glances at each other, and the surreptitious touching that had excited her so much. He kept his head down, barely spoke to her and was just deadly efficient in carrying out that work. He still wore that red scarf round his wrist, but it was getting harder for her to think it meant anything more to him than a reminder of his need to deal with Denarius. She wondered if he thought of her at all when she wasn't in front of his face.

Lying in her bed at night alone had been difficult enough, she had hidden the pillow he had slept on which had retained that lingering musky leathery smell of him and held it close to help her get to sleep, but Orana had found it and changed the bed linen, so that small comfort had gone. Her bed was just a big cold open space with her lying small and lonely in the middle of it. Sleep came hard to her, she was drinking more to try and help and she knew that was not the best way to deal with it. It was affecting her reflexes, slowing her down and they were all dealing with more and more complex situations where she needed all her wits about her, they all needed her to keep her wits about her.

Isabella had mentioned how Anders might be a candidate for a warm body to make her nights less lonely and she found herself being more aware of him when they were working. She had flirted a little with him, testing the water. Had Isabella been right when she had said he had a 'little obsession' with her? She supposed she had always been caught up with watching Fenris that she had never really paid attention to what Anders was doing. Anders obviously liked her flirting, but he took her far too seriously, pronouncing loudly how he was no good for her, he would only hurt her, blah! blah! blah! As if dire warnings of dangerous demons would put her off if that was where she wanted to go. He could be charming when he wanted to be, his healing abilities were impressive. She found she felt sorry for him having to live and work in that dingy clinic, but his passion really lay in helping mages. She might be a mage herself, but she did not need that kind of help from him. He was quite handsome she supposed and his body was fairly well sculpted. She tried to imagine having his arms around her, it was fairly easy to do and the thought was not unpleasant.

He had asked for her help in dealing with a Templar plot for a 'tranquil solution'. She thought it was a bit farfetched, but he did have a point – there did seem to be a few more tranquil mages about. Seeing the tranquils had always made her sad. She could so easily be one of them herself, the Templars did not suffer apostate mages easily, she was sure it was only her relationship to the Viscount that was stopping them hauling her off to the Circle, well...that and that she usually only used magic when she needed to defend herself and most of the time there was nobody left to report her, them largely being dead. Anyone left was usually too grateful to her for rescuing them from whatever mess they were in and wouldn't say anything.

However, Anders wanted help, what harm would it do to investigate? She could leave Fenris out of this one, he would only object anyway and maybe some time away from him would be good for her. Merrill and Varric had been up for tagging along. She enjoyed listening to them chatter when out and about and was beginning to wonder if Varric might be more than a little interested in Merrill's welfare.

So she had gone with Anders and they had dealt with some silly egocentric Templar with ideas way beyond his ability to carry them out. The interesting thing about the whole episode had been Anders. Justice had appeared when they had found Ser Alrik in the middle of attempting to make some poor girl tranquil without any good reason. It was after they had dispatched Ser Alrik that Justice wanted to stay and kill the poor girl Ella as well. She had managed to calm him down enough for Anders to come back, but then he had run off. He seemed to be ashamed that he had almost lost control. Small wonder, Justice was scary. They had found the papers which showed that it was only Ser Alrik who wanted the 'tranquil solution'. Meredith and the Divine had both rejected it, thankfully.

She went back to Anders clinic to show him the papers and check up on him and found him...packing? What was he doing? He wasn't getting ready to go, was he? She showed him the papers and the relief on his face was genuine, she was glad it had reassured him and the backpack was forgotten about. It had got a little crazy after that and she struggled to remember exactly what she had said. She remembered him call her a 'shining light' and then accusing her of teasing him, she knew she didn't want him to leave, so she must have said something that encouraged him, but the next thing she knew he was kissing her. She couldn't deny it; it was a lovely kiss and after the heartache that Fenris had left her with it felt good that someone wanted her. Then he had told her he would come to see her that night, just leave her door open...

As she had waited in her room, she had thought more on what Isabella had said, maybe she should try this. Sleeping and being alone in this big house was becoming so hard. It would be nice to have someone share it with her, even if only for a little while. Let it take that other pain away.

And then suddenly he was there, looking so happy. He did look good, maybe this was going to turn out good. They flirted some more, edging around what was on both their minds, but then he had asked the question, the question he should never have asked, the question she had tried not to ask herself,

"Are you sure about this, what about you and Fenris? I thought..."

She had glanced at her bed and the memory of her night with him had come flooding back. She knew in that instant, she could never have anyone else in that bed with her, tears had come racing to her eyes, they had filled up quickly and then she had blurted out without even thinking,

"I love him."

Anders had got angry then, not at her, at Fenris, called him a dog and then left, screaming about how she might be a calming influence on him. As if that was possible, she couldn't get near enough to Fenris to be of any kind of influence over him. She couldn't blame Anders. She had led him on and then to declare her love for someone else, someone he hated, it must have hurt. She felt strange; she did not feel the guilt about hurting Anders that she had felt with Fenris. She knew it was probably cruel and hard hearted what she had done to him, but she couldn't feel regret. She felt...liberated. Yes, that was the right word. In saying it out loud to Anders she had at last admitted it to herself.

She loved Fenris.

Pure and simple feeling. No need to explore it. She didn't know why, she just did. It was an integral part of what she was now. If he never loved her back, it would not matter, it would not change. She might still have some hurt and guilt in there, but the part that was love was now locked in and there was a comforting sense of peace and calm in admitting that to herself.

Thank you Anders you don't realise it, but you helped to get me to a better place. As for Isabella, she wasn't sure she would be paying much attention to her when giving out advice again, but Isabella might be glad to have no competition in hunting out candidates for her nocturnal activities.

She went to bed and hugged the pillow that no longer smelled of him and slept.