Crossroads of Desperation

Chapter 2: Toph

I hate this. All of it.

I hate this feeling of uselessness; feeling completely powerless to do anything while one of my best friends…my first true friend is laying in a bed fighting for his life. I hate that I can't do anything for him, and because of that my feeling of uselessness only feeds on my feelings of guilt. Because if I can't help him, if I can't save him, then what good am I?

I hate this so much.

I hate that I wasn't there to stop Azula from striking him down with lightning. Instead I was off saving some worthless, jelly-spined king from a coup that was his own fault from the beginning because, like the idiot he was, he trusted the wrong people. Instead, I saved him, and it nearly cost Aang his life. It wasn't worth it. None of it was. None of what we did, none of what we tried to accomplish. It all blew up in our face, reflecting our own failure in the processed. Yeah, we failed, and Aang paid for it in the worst way.

I really wish I knew what had happened in that cave, but Katara won't talk about it without nearly breaking down into a blubbering mess. I guess I can't blame her really. Aang may be one of my best friends, but he is her best friend. But I want to know what happened, so I can stop blaming everyone else. I blame Katara for not protecting Aang. I blame Aang for not protecting himself…and I blame myself for going off to save that waste of skin, poor excuse of a king instead of protecting my friend.

But really all my anger should be directed at Azula. Part of it is. Part of me knows that if Aang doesn't pull through, if he doesn't make it, there's no place on this planet Azula will be able to hide from me. She's so proud of what she's done, thinking herself the killer of the Avatar. Imagine how much shame she'll feel knowing a blind girl crippled her. But then, a larger part of me know that if that happens, if Aang dies, then I probably won't do anything because I'll be reduced to as big of a blubbering mess as Katara.

And that is the crux of it. Without Aang, I never would have been inspired to leave home, I never would have felt freedom for the first time, and I would have never known what it meant to have friends. And that's what I hate most about this entire event, because without Aang, I realize how powerless I was to choose my own life. I never would have left home. I'd still be the same, sheltered, hidden blind daughter of the Bei Fong family. Guarded from the world, kept the little known secret shame of my family because of my blindness. But I was never helpless. I was never weak. That is, until this moment when the one person who gave me my freedom was struck down with lightning.

It hurts me to admit that there's nothing I can do for Aang. I have no ability to heal, no words of motivation that are going to snap him out of his coma. No words of comfort to offer to Katara, who is suffering worse than any of us, and Sokka, who is trying so hard to put on a strong face, but failing. And it terrifies me. It really does, to realize that without Aang, this makeshift family of ours, these wonderful friends I've come to love more than my own family, would never have been brought together.

But more than that, I feel helpless. Katara is trying desperately to heal Aang, to bring him back to us. Sokka is coping with his own uncertainty by doing what he can to shoulder our grief. He always tailored himself the protector, much like Katara is the nurturer. But there's nothing I can do. Nothing to help ease the pain from Katara, nothing to help shoulder the burden Sokka has taken on himself. Nothing for me but to stay in the shadows, hidden, useless and unneeded. And that realization stings me more deeply than any insult I've ever endured, any snide comment on my appearance or my worth, because it makes me wonder if my parents weren't right about me?

I am helpless and weak. I stopped being independent when I began depending on Katara and Sokka and Aang. Depending on them to be there for me, to offer comfort and companionship. I stopped being strong when I failed to protect my best friends, Aang from being hurt, and Katara from suffering because of that attack. And now all I have is that lingering doubt that I've become exactly what my parents believe I am, the weak, helpless, frail little blind girl who speaks with a sarcastic tongue, but deep down is just scared of the world.

It's true that I am scared. I act tough. I want to be tough. I want to be able to live my life without being sheltered and guarded, without parents fearing that the slightest inconvenience will traumatize my fragile little life. And yet, here I am, sitting beneath this palm tree, tossing rocks into the ocean and feeling desperately useless and powerless to change anything that's happened in the last week. And it hurts me to admit that I feel so inadequate, so feeble because I am.

I hate it all. I hate my parents for planting that seed of doubt into my mind. I hate Katara, Aang and Sokka for making me dependant on someone else, only to be reminded that I can do nothing to help save the people I love and need in my life, because I am so weak. I hate Azula because she had no right to attack my friends. And I hate myself because I have no power to stop the aching pressure in my jaw, the tightness in my chest and the stinging tears that fight for their liberation from my eyes.

My only comfort is that in my blindness, I cannot see the world blurring through my clouding eyes. Because I don't need any more reason to grieve.

A/N:

This one was actually tough to write, because it's hard to get Toph into a sentimental tirade without her appearing OOC. Still, she has cried a number of times in the series, but I see her as someone who'd suffer alone, and despite her outward appearance, she's not as confident as she wants others to believe, (i.e. Tales of Ba Sing Se, being upset at the insults she received about her appearance despite her claims it didn't bother her.) Anyway, this was a tricky chapter and I hope I pulled it off. The others will be much easier than this.

Another thing, and I apologize for sounding rude, but I am slightly disappointed that chapter 1 had 82 hits with only 1 review (again, thank you so much arizony). It's rather disheartening to see that little critique/comments posted on a story after that much activity. I'm not saying everyone who reads needs to comment, but if you liked the story, it would be nice to know that I'm doing something right.

Well, thanks for reading.