--chapter one--

After exchanging my last few dollars for a box of nachos and a Dr. Pepper, I headed over to the park across from the campus library. Once I had sourced a shady tree and spread out my jacket on the grass, I sat down and pulled Atonement from my bag. I'm trying to finish it so I can finally get to finishing that paper... Anyway, I was halfway through my lunch when I was accompanied by a certain brunette man. I didn't say anything but I greeted him with a nudge. A couple of pages later I reached over to take another handful of chips only to find that the box was missing.

'Phil,' I said wryly. 'Give me back my nachos... now.'

He handed them back, rubbing his hands on his jeans, and lay down on the grass. I continued to read in silence as he went on about is morning. I muttered responses but really couldn't care less.

'Have you got anything on this afternoon?' he asked. 'Cause that Daniel Pearl movie is out and I want you to see it with me.'

I set my book on my lap and gave him a look. 'Me? C'mon, Phil. You know I couldn't sit through that.'

He sighed and I found myself staring at him, again. 'Well, if you can't, I can't.'

I stared at him with my patronizing look. 'Just when I think you couldn't be any more full of it, there you go and surprise me. You go see it with Nolan and I can just hang with the girls.'

Nolan was a friend of both of ours. He's the nerdiest guy in the world so it's natural that he and Phil are like brothers. He writes (draws?) comic books and is more opinionated than a late-night show material writer. But he's also mind numbingly brilliant and we love him, so that's that.

Phil groaned like a little kid as I sipped my Dr. Pepper. 'Ugh... We never spend time just you and I.'

I had to resist the urge to whack him over the head. Why are boys so dense?

'What exactly do you call this then? Or are there pixies hiding in the trees disrupting our you-and-me-time?' I said in my best disbelieving tone.

'Well, if you came you'd talk through it anyway,' he said snootily. I scoffed and threw a nacho at him.

'Full-of-it!' I hissed and put Atonement back into my bag and gathered up my trash. He sat up and gave me that look that I'd dreamed about so many times.

'You love it,' he shrugged as I stood.

'I'm not going cause I promised the girls I'd take them out for some drinks tonight,' I said as I threw the trash into a nearby bin and slung the strap of my bag around my neck. 'Call Nolan, Phil, 'cause you and I both know he'd love to go with you.'

He stood up and gave me a quick hug. 'Fine, but keep your schedule clear because one day I'll come for you and I won't be taking no for an answer.'

'My schedule?' I asked in disbelief. 'Mine? Clear? Whatever, crazy dude!'

'Whatever,' he replied as we started to walk away from each other. 'Just don't get too smashed tonight, alright?.'

'Yes, mom,' I replied nonchalantly as I placed the earphones of my iPod into my ears and turned it on. Right now I had this book to finish. Any thoughts about a certain brunette man were completely irrelevant.

Keep going, Teslow. You're just a few more years away from sanity.

-

When I got back to my studio, I set down my bag on the big green chair by the door and stepped straight into the shower. Afterwards, with nothing on but a towel, I proceeded into the kitchen to call my friends. I really was supposed to go out with them tonight, and I hate to cancel plans, especially at the last minute. First was Kait to tell her I was still coming, then I'd be calling Lilith to ask if she still wanted that top she asked for.

Kait is my best, best friend. As you know, we met when she told me about how this place was available. She loves bright eye makeup and when she isn't wearing it, she usually has crazy red or hot pink lips. She's naturally a deep brunette but she bleaches her hair and wears pink and purple streaks. Only she could pull it off. She's so athletic I get dizzy thinking about it. And she's a total music nut. I feel so out of touch when she recites the names of countless indie bands off by heart...

Lilith is also a legend to me. I met her in my second year of college when we both had to compete in a debate for our political science class. I invited her over for lunch and we've been best friends ever since. Lil's very shy as opposed to Kait and I. I guess the best way to describe her is to tell you to picture Annelle from Steel Magnolias in your head, only with bright red hair and a ton of freckles. Oh- and she's not Daryl Hannah. I guess that part is kinda important.

After calling the girls and deciding on where we were going to go, I also dialed Phil. He's on my speed dial list, number one. Rarely a day goes by where I don't see him, but if I haven't, I'll have called him a million times.

He answered in a bored tone ("What's it to ya?"), and I rolled my eyes as I began to talk.

'Phil, it's me.'

'Hey, Keels,' he replied, again sounding like he couldn't care less. I kind of deserved it for the way I'd ignored him at lunch, but whatever.

'Did you call Nolan? What'd he say?'

'Yeah, he's up for it. Why?'

'No reason... I just felt the need to talk.'

He laughed out loud, and it took him a while to recover. 'You? NEED to talk? Sorry, Keels, but I'm finding it hard to believe that you would need to talk. I mean, you talk all day, all night! You talk to your books and your rabbit! You are the last person in the world who would actually need to talk.'

'Shut up!' I cried. 'Sometimes I wish you are here just so I can kill you.'

He wasn't exactly lying, though. I talk to my computer, myself, the weatherman on TV... Everyone who'll listen, basically. They don't even have to exist, as long as I can get some words out, I'm satisfied. I think it's a genetic thing, but I'm not half as bad as my mother.

Okay, well, maybe I am.

'What I cease to figure out,' Phil droned on, snapping me back to reality, 'is why you need to talk after just an odd two hours ago I was sitting under that tree with you. Most people would find enough talk in those forty-five minutes to last them their senior year. Sometimes I don't get you, Keely, you totally confound me...'

I sighed as I sank back into my Ektorp chair. His voice was setting off little tremors in my mind, each one heading down another trail of thought. I was imagining a total array of things: what happened at lunch, what he was doing as he was talking to me now, and a few personal fantasies mixed in my mind to create an ambrosia of Phil. I crossed my arms around myself all the while keeping the phone to my ear as he rambled on. Phil was my narcotic, simple as that. He was water to me. You can live without it for a day but any longer and you just can't function.

'...and that's how Pillsbury and Toll House, my childhood Sea Monkeys, met their tragic end. May it be a lesson to you.'

Snap! And there was reality again. It was nice while it lasted, I suppose. I sat up straighter and took a sip from the glass of iced tea I had rested on the side table. It was now that I realized that I had about half an hour to get ready before the girls would arrive. Right now he was rambling on in the middle of a big speech about God only knows what, and if I didn't get started on my makeup, hair and clothing now, I'd be sitting in a bar over Daiquiri wrapped in nothing but a towel. I stood and rushed into the kitchen and set my iced tea glass on the counter as I pulled the tea jug out from the fridge.

'Phil,' I began as I tipped the iced tea back into the jug and set the glass on the bottom of the kitchen sink. 'I'd love to go on but I have to be out of this studio in a quarter of an hour!'

'Sorry,' he said, voice dripping with sarcasm. 'Just call me when you get back.'

'I'll have a Martini for you,' I smiled and headed for my closet.

'You know they're my favorite,' he laughed.

'I know a little more than your favorite drink,' I smirked cooly and hung up the phone. Oh yeah. You can make me as klutzy as you want, but the coolness will always remain.

-

After hanging up with Phil, I opened my closet and pulled out my favorite red flounce dress. I put it over a pair or translucent tights and added some jewelry and a blazer. I was just finishing up on my makeup when the doorbell buzzed to alert me that the girls were here. Grabbing my bag, I ran towards the front door and pulled it open, grabbing my friends in a big bear hug as soon as I was face-to-face with them.

'God, Keely!' cried Kait as she reluctantly hugged back. 'What if it was axe murderers at the door, and they came in and slaughtered you. You'd be your own enemy, realistically.'

'Thanks for that,' I said sarcastically. 'Now I have the idea in my head. I won't be able to sleep tonight!'

'Yeah, yeah, whatever,' Kait replied boredly and dragged me by the wrist out of the door. Lilith and I both rolled our eyes and as I was being drug down the hallway, she kindly closed and locked up the apartment for me with the keys on the table by the door. By the time she was done, we were already in the street. Kait somehow didn't realize that Lil was left behind. Which is kind of understandable as she's so quiet all the time, but...

We decided to walk to the club and catch a taxi home. It was a small little girly bar that played things like Shania Twain and Amiel. Guys naturally detest the place so it's pretty fun to go to. It's pretty safe too, but it's always going to be stupid to walk home alone in the dark, so a taxi was really our only option.

We grabbed a table and sat down on the red velvet chairs, and when the waitress came around and took our orders, we were already deep into discussion. It's nights like these that you remember: and not just because the gossip is so hard to forget!

We were there for around forty-five minutes when Kait casually brought up the topic I'd been praying she'd forget to mention. The Phil topic.

We're all mutual friends. Kait and Lilith know Phil, he knows them. The girls know Nolan, Nolan knows Phil... It fits together nicely. Though the girls haven't talked with Phil all that much, they've sussed out everything about our relationship. Nothing major really, except for the fact that I'm a hundred percent in love with him. Daydreaming about him while I'm supposed to be listening to my professor in class, or imagining a life together while watching Desperate Housewives. It's like a drug, an addiction. It's impossible to get rid of. You want to get a hit every day - spill out your heart - but when you try to speak you fumble over your words and say something totally beside the point. It's horrible. I wish I could just tell him how I feel...

'So how are things with you and Phil?' she asks nonchalantly, but little does she know the very mention of his name makes my stomach tighten up. Kait sips her Mint Julep and sets it back down on the table. Lilith puts hers down, too, and looks at me attentively.

I sigh and lean forward in my seat a little, and place my hands in my lap. 'Indifferent,' I say simply. And now they'll question me. Just like always. Why would I expect anything different?

'You two have known each other since what? High school? Just tell him you love him, get a quick wedding, then proceed to fill the world with tons of little Keely replicas. I need someone to practice hairstyling on, anyway.'

Kait's a hairstylist, did you know. I think I mentioned before her hair is never one color for much longer than a fortnight. Still, the ideas of kids with Phil sent shivers down my spine. And the idea of making kids with him sent shivers in between my legs as well.

'What?' I asked in disbelief. I knew my friends were out there but this was pretty outrageous. 'Nothing like that happens between us. Ever.' This is when I turned to Kait. 'And what makes you think I'd let you cut the hair off of my children? I'd leave them there blonde and they'd come home with pink and purple polka dots!'

'Ah, so you admit the idea of kids with Diffy has crossed your mind!' Cried Kait and raised her hands in what must have been her form of a victory dance. I just rolled my eyes and sipped at my daiquiri.

'I don't see any reason why you should torment her, Kait,' said Lilith and gave our nutty friend one of her signature looks. 'You've been gifted with more confidence you can shake a maraca at. Wait a minute... I'm not necessarily sure that can be considered a gift..'

We all laughed at that. The rest of the night wasn't much different. There were more cocktails, more laughs and much, much more gossip. At the end of the night we were pretty drunk and definitely exhausted so a taxi ride home was highly welcomed. I was the first one home as I lived closest, explaining why the girls were already together when they came to get me.

I nearly fell out of the cab when it pulled up outside the store. I drug my tired self up the stairs and down the hallway to my front door and fell into bed after taking off my jewelry and shoes, I was even too tired to fully undress. That night I fell into an easy sleep thinking about none other than my best friend Phil. I think I had it coming to me, but it's not something that's easy to see when you're as young and naive and carefree as I am. Different personalities are harder to imagine on yourself than you'd think, take it from me.