1.
The wind ran through my skin, like it was a thin fabric. I was pervaded by millions of chills, maybe because of adrenaline. I had faced him, I didn't have a choice. Something had changed between us, I could hear it clearly. Sometimes it is inevitable, everything is falling apart, despite I'm doing everything to avoid it. Now I hated him with my whole being. His words echoed in my mind, I couldn't drive them away. I didn't feel anything that his deep voice. I couldn't just erase his dark eyes. I couldn't walk. I breathed with difficulty, everything was spinning. I rested a hand against the wall and closed the eyes, I felt the heart exploding in my chest. I realized just now how important he was to me. I crawled up the fingers until scratch myself. If only sorrow could move him away from me "Breathe Jo, it's okay, breathe" I repeated to myself soon as I imagined his eyes. I just wanted to let me go, but I couldn't. All that was holding on me. I couldn't afford to collapse. "Will pass, he's out of your life now, you are a strong woman Jo." Any reassurance would melt like snow. I felt so fragile. I took another breath and smiled, a tear ran down my face. I dried it quickly.
I joined the colleagues with a serious expression. The work first of all, the rest doesn't exist.., the job before what I feel.
"Hey Jo, are you okay?" Danny asked, putting aside what he was doing to look at me. Sheldon did the same.
"Guys" I frowned "let's get back to work, you know how Mac is intransigent" I answered fast, while I was grabbing the camera to take some photos.
I felt like I was dying, just say his name it hurts me, pretend that nothing had happened .. was destroying me. I had opened a chasm in the stomach. I had never given importance to a relationship like the one I have had with him. Perhaps this was the error. We just had to be colleagues, I only worked for him, the rest shouldn't exist. I remembered his first smile and the rebuke to his colleagues, the first day that I set foot in the lab. All seemed so simple, so natural. Our friendship grew stronger day by day, I have cried for him. I was squeezing the camera in my hands, and a thousand stabs wounded me "Don't think at him, don't think at him!" I repeated desperately, "Jo, you are strong, you are".
I took some pictures of every angle of that small basement. On the blocknote I wrote down everything usefull. It had to be a perfect report, less time I spent with "him", it was better for me. I pointed out the footprints, I had found several of them, they should belong to the suspect that we had in custody. The case was virtually closed, he had confessed the murder. I was focused on what I was doing. I spent some time cataloging the evidences, and helping the colleagues as I could.
I always had a big flaw, when I was taking care of someone.. I completely lost myself. For this reason, I suffered so badly. I felt like a rag, even though my "good picture" said the contrary. I just wanted to keep up him closer, I wasn't asking for anything more, just being his shoulder. Obviously we had a different view of our "relationship" I smiled sarcastically at the thought. I retrieved the equipment and walked towards the car. Danny and Sheldon would take the other one available.
I drove through the busy streets of New York. I felt so much pain, I saw him in everything. It is sad to have to deal with an illusion, it hurts very badly. There is no experience that prevent us, it hurts pretty darn bad. Maybe I hadn't suffered in this way for anyone else, and this was to scare me. I turned on the radio and the song of Celine Dion "Just Walk Away" became widespread in the cockpit. I saw again in slow motion our previous discussion. God, how I have never knew him. Before I knew it I was crying. I laid the hands on the wheel and bent my face, I was in pieces. I took a quick glance in the mirror, the mascara was completely smudged.
"Great!" I exploded frustrated, "he is managed to bring me to this"
I got out and slipped the key into the lock of the house. I can't define what would make me more harm, if his words or my reaction only an hour ago. The lights were shut down. I dropped my bag on the couch and poured myself a bourbon, I needed it. I couldn't stop to cry. I noticed a pink post-note on the table.
Mom, I go by Jen.
see you tomorrow
I love you
I had forgotten that Ellie would have spent the night outside. I smiled. My little girl was getting bigger. I picked up the phone and dialed the number .
"Honey" I tried to keep a neutral tone.
"Hello Mom, I'm by Jen, don't you worry".
"Okay" I smiled.
"Mom, are you okay?" she asked suddenly.
"Of course Ellie, I'm fine" I emphasized each word to hide my mood. My heart was bleeding for the frantic pulse. Maybe call her wasn't exactly a good idea.
"You look strange" she said.
"I'm just tired.. don't be late at school tomorrow, promise?" I asked with my usual way of doing. I knew how to evade personal questions, the job help in this.. hide the truth even at my daughter made me so sick as much as the discussion with Mac.
Ellie was very intelligent, and extremely insightful.. just like me.
Flashback
"It's nice to know that someone cares about you" Mac smiled at me with making sweet and thoughtful. His eyes filled with small sparks . A thought crossed my mind, so delicate, so unexpectedly. I was mesmerized as we walked to the laboratory. I never imagined to be so in tune with my boss in only one week of work. We joked as "long-time friends".
The manner in which those words touched me caused still shivering in me. I downed a hearty swig of bourbon to erase him from my mind. Was no longer to be place for him. I sat next to the window and watched the rain come down, so slow and it was deposited on the streets and on the coats of people. I noticed a couple in front of a shop window. They smiled and pointed to some things scattered here and there.
Flashback
"Come on Mac! Don't you wanna miss it, come on!" I smiled with a half-turn on the icy sidewalk. The snow covered everything, it was cold more than usual. I loved that day of the year. The windows at Christmas made me mad.
"Why did I let you take me here?" He joked with a half-smile of his.
"Look how wonderful are they, Mac! Isn't this the most beautiful thing that you've ever seen?" I opened my eyes in ecstasy, I couldn't contain my excitement, I literally trembled. I leaned against his arm and obliged him to follow me.
I loved everything about that "special night" , I loved the indistinct voices of the people, the "wow" and the applauses, the smell of roasted chestnuts, the snow .. and his company. In fact, in foreign eyes we could look like a "couple", we were just friends, that's all. I admit, I have noticed a number of indiscreet glances on us, it will be for professional deformation. I was fine with him.
A shock at the heart brought me to the present, I took some other bourbon. I still couldn't stop thinking about the damn Mac Taylor.
I let myself go on the bed. I was staring at the ceiling, hoping to not feel anything except the sound of rain. It fells so slow, so peaceful. "He isn't important for you Jo, stop to think at him" the tears streaming down the face. I squeezed the pillow between the hands for stifled the groans "you'll not feel anything for him."