Chapter 2

"Facing reality"

Music: Clint Mansell-Requiem for a dream Summer Overture

Disclaimer: still not own the characters

Buffy was staying still in her room thinking. Flowing. The world suddenly seemed so gray. So…pointless. There was no one she could trust fully, no one to hold her, when she needed. There was no one to love her. Not that she deserved it. Her work as a Slayer was pleasure. Now, it was becoming a duty. Escape. It was all she wanted. Was it too much? Why she saw how unhappy she is now? Why not before? Where was the point at living at all? Or at loving? Or at "fighting against evil"?

Willow enters the room and stopped her thoughts. Just in time.

'Hey, Buffy! BTW, why are you in my bed?'

'Is it a crime?'

Her voice was harsh. She just couldn't help it. Being polite now seemed like the most foolish thing to do. When you're too polite in one moment people stop asking you what you want and if you're ok with what they are doing…."I'm not thinking…." Thought she.

'It's not a crime, I just wondered…,'

'Well, don't. Can we switch them?'

She couldn't sleep again at her bed. It was just….she couldn't… It was reminding her too much.

'Fine, but…,'

'Yes or no?'

'Yes, but, Buff, what's going on with you?'

'You mean the beds?'

'I mean you. You're not yourself today.'

'There's nothing wrong with me!' she jumped from the bed. 'I have a patrol. I have to go.'

'Buffy, don't walk away from me, I'm your best friend, talk to me.'

'I'm late.' Her voice was ice-cold.

'You're not. You're not patrolling tonight. Xander is going to. We talked and we decided…'

'Thank you very, very much! How could you do this to me?!?!' now she was yelling.

'And since when I'm not capable to take my own decisions for my own fucking life???'

'Buffy!' Willow was staying there still, on the verge of the tears. 'We wanted you to rest one night. Cause you're tired, not because you're not capable.'

'I didn't expect this from you. I have to go! I have a job, and no one can stop me from going.'

She left the room, feeling bad. But this was better. To turn away from Willow now, before it's too late. She and Xander didn't deserve such awful person for a friend. It was just not fair.

She was fighting automatically, blind for everything. She couldn't forget just for one second the awful nightmare from last night. Because it was just a nightmare.

Right?

When she was done she sat on the ground, breathing hardly. This time she had let them hurt her. She was just irresponsible. 'May be they are right and I'm not capable to fight anymore. For everything.'

'What happened? The Slayer with a wound?' his voice, funny at the beginning became angry as he saw the fear and pain in her eyes. 'How did you bloody let this happened? Let me see it.'

'Go away, Spike. I'm not in mood for you, ok?' "don't cry, please don't cry in front of him"

She have stand up, keeping distance between them. Just in case…

'What were you bloody thinking, letting them hurt you? You'll get a scar.'

Her arm had a shear and was in blood.

'They had hurt me be before, Spike. It's not a big deal. And don't act like you don't have a single scar on your precious body.'

'We're talking about you now.'

He was fine with the scars on his body, but he just couldn't handle the thought of her gentle skin cut.

'You know if you wanted to kill me so much, why don't you do it now? I'm not fighting. Come on.'

He sighed.

'What happened, love?'

She could have handled his anger, but he being gentle was just too much. Her eyes filled with unwanted tears.

'I just can't handle this nightmare, this awful… I just want to be able to breathe for one second. I can't breathe, I can't eat. I don't want to live. Didn't I deserve to choose how to die? I just can't do it, Spike, I can't live with it, go on or something….'

He sensed that it wasn't the right moment to ask.

'Come here, pet.' He stepped closer, and hugged her.

'No, don't touch me! Go away, off., please….oh, fuck, it did happened, right?'

The tears start running down her cheeks uncontrollably, and she hated herself for making such a big deal out of it. 'I'm so…so…so…sorrrry' She was holding him as if she was drowning. 'I know it's my fault, but please, make it disappear, please!' She was talking other stuff too, but Spike couldn't understand anything, except for the way she was crying- like it was the end of the world. He wanted to kill anyone who could make her feel this way. 'Just hold on to me,' he murmured 'it's going to be fine.'