~ Thank you for reading the first chapter (obviously, you have, if you've made it to here)!
P.S. No, I don't own Thirteen Reasons Why, it belongs to Jay Asher, as do Clay and Hannah. ~
Chapter Two: I Can Only See That Which Is Shown To Me
That was like a slap in the face, and I am forced to look up at him once more. How could someone be so heartless as to lie like that? How could Clay, of all people, do that...
"No, you don't. You can't," is all I can think to say through the pain I feel.
"Hannah, please, just look at me. Look at my eyes," But I can't; I fear I know what I'll find - that he wasn't lying. And I don't need to see that. I've already made up my mind... "Hannah, I'm begging you!"
The urgency in his voice is possessive, and I can't help it. I look into his eyes and the honesty I see there kills the pain momentarily. I want to cry out at the shock and pleasure of that weighted awfulness being released, no matter how temporary it is.
"Oh, my god," I mutter under my breath, hoping he can't hear the astonishment in my voice. Am I really loved by this boy? Or is he just that good at lying? No matter how hard I want to believe, I can't shake the feeling that it's not real emotion in his eyes; I can't make myself believe it, because somewhere deep, a place I've locked away, I love him too, have for a while, and if it were a lie, I wouldn't be able to take the fresh pain.
"Hannah, I do," he pleads with me to listen, pleads with his eyes, and says, "Can't you see it? It's right here, it's been here... right in front of you...." His voice is only a breaking whisper, and it toys with my thoughts, spinning them towards that locked sanctuary in my head. It's like a prisoner, its locks beginning to rattle, and it rips itself free of the chains. All those thoughts silently raining themselves into puddles on the ground of my brain, the sky of my mind clearing to show the sun. Suddenly I know he's speaking the truth, and I remember every little gesture he's made towards me in all the time I've known him, all the hidden meaning in things he's said, all the little movements. It's been there all along, and this whole time I've been blinded by the torture others inflicted on me... I feel so stupid now knowing all I had to do was open my eyes, and the pain could vanish in his arms. I could vanish in his arms. Be a new Hannah... Be a better Hannah.
And with that last thought, I lose myself to him, for the time being. I spill every thought I've ever had about suicide, all my reasons for wanting it so badly, all of my everything. I tell him, and he listens, unbelievably, he listens. And whats more, he seems to care. Oh God, how I've waited for someone to care...
Thanks again for reading, please review! I have a habit of convincing myself I get worse over time, so if you're interesting in reading the rest, you should definitely review, or I might give up! :( That would be a sad day. Also, if you like this, I started another fic for 13 Reasons, with a bit of a suspenseful twist, if you're interested... I think I'll call it And I Will Pull The Trigger (no, it's not about suicide again, I promise)... so please go read that as well. :)