Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, Ron and Hermione would have got together in book 4.

POST THIS DISCLAIMER ALL R/HR SHIPPERS

Stalking Lily

By AllyCat-Dolphinlover

IN WHICH JAMES PREPARES

"Black robes?"

"Do we really have to do this?"

"I said, 'Black robes'?"

Sirius sighed, "Check."

James smiled and checked it off on his list. "Black gloves?"

"Check."

"Black Sunglasses?"

"Check?"

"Binoculars?"

"Are those really necessary?"

"YES! Now, binoculars?"

He sighed again, "Check... but I'm turning them blue."

James chose to ignore the comment his friend made. "Two-way mirrors?"

"Check."

"Black..." he struggled to think of piece of equipment he may use that could come in black. "Socks?"

"Why does everything have to be black, it's broad daylight."

"Sirius?" asked James with a scary smile.

"Yes, Jamsie?"

"Are you the head Evans-watcher?"

"Why are you saying Evans-watcher? We're stalking her, you know it, and I know it. Hey, I even bet Evans herself-" Sirius waved his hands around in a frustrated manner as if doing so would somehow give James some sense.

"Remus feels uncomfortable with the term 'stalking'... it's not my fault." he defended pointlessly.

Sirius glanced around the room expecting to Remus, "Remus isn't here."

James scratched his chin thoughtfully, "True... Oh well, are you the head stalker?"

Sirius took a step backwards, "Hey, I don't even want to-"

"I SAID, 'Are you the head stalked'?" interrupted James.

Sirius rolled his eyes, "No, but I-"

James help up a silencing hand, "That is all."

"I don't-"

"Black socks?"

"-want to-

"BLACK SOCKS!?"

"Wormtail is ironing them and-I-don't-want-to-" he tried, speaking as fast as he could.

"Excellent." James interrupted. He pulled out a piece of paper and began scribbling on.

"-stalk-Evans! I-"

"DON'T SAY THE NAME!" he looked around the deserted dorm as if waiting for someone to jump out and attack them.

"We refer to her as 'The Subject'." he finished calmly, dusting invisible dust of his robes and then resumed to scribbling. "We must remain discreet."

"We are referring to ourselves as 'Evans-watchers', how discreet can we be?" Sirius asked dryly.

"Oh dear God." A voice said. The pair turned to see Remus at the portrait entrance holding a butterbeer bottle, "Please, please tell me you two are not actually going through with stalking Lily." he looked at their complete black outfits and shuddered.

"Hey, I don't want to-" started Sirius, but James clamped a hand over his mouth with one hand and continued scribbling on the paper with the other.

"Use the term 'Evans-watcher' it's better for the conscience." he promoted.

"James, we all know its stalking." said Remus.

"Only trying to help... And yes we are stalking Evans," said James, he looked Remus in the eye. "and you, Remus Lupin," he pointed a finger at Remus. "are going to help us."

"Remus is going to what now?" Remus asked clearly not believing his ears.

"Remus is going to help stalk Lily." James said slowly and clearly.

"No, Remus is not!" Remus waved his right hand and hit Sirius on the head.

"Yes Remus is." said James as though Remus was a little kid refusing to finish the rest of his vegetables.

"No. No. NO. Remus is not going to... Wait, was Remus- URGH! Was I just referring to myself as a third person?" Remus asked.

"Four times actually." James commented. "It was actually quite weird of- OW!" He turned to Sirius with a shocked face, "Y-you bit me!"

"You were suffocating me." Sirius said brushing his self off.

"I have rabies!" James cried prodding his hand.

"Are you indicating that I'm some sort of animal?" Sirius asked outraged.

"Are you or you not an illegal animagus?" said James raising his eyebrows.

"I am!" He defended.

"Me too!" corresponded James.

"I know!... What were we talking about again?"

"Me." Remus said. "And why are you scribbling all over my homework!?" he asked James.

"I-" he glanced at his parchment and sure enough there was Remus' homework on the other side. "Huh." he stated thinking quickly. "It's all about homework with you, isn't it?!" he yelled at Remus.

"What?"

"I try and I try to have a serious conversation with you and you and this is how you repay me!?" he waved around the paper,

Remus stared at his friend and said the only thing that seemed to fit the situation he was in, "What the hell?"

"Always talking about homework! Well you no what? I'll take your 'homework' and I'll do this!" he crumpled the paper and chucked it out the window.

"HA! What do you have to say about that now, Remus, what do you have to say!?"

"I'd say, you just threw my homework out the window." Remus stated looking out the window.

"OW!" A voice cried from out the window. James and Remus decided to ignore it.

"What are you going to do about it?" challenged James feeling rather impressed with himself for the scene he had caused.

"OH MERLIN MY EYE! IT'S BLEEDING!! MY EYE IS BLEEDING!!" it continued from outside. Sirius looked up and searched around the dormitory for the source of the strange noise.

He went to the window and summoned his rather bloody homework and stared at it. Deciding it was useless he dropped the paper again. "Well, I am not stalking Lily." said Remus.

James eyes widened, "You have to!" he begged. "You're the most important part! Without you, we have no hope!"

"OW, MY OTHER EYE! OH COME ON! WHY? WHY ME?" the mysterious voice screamed.

Sirius was nodding along then stopped. "But, but... you said that to me!" he said to James.

"You are!" James reasoned. "You're the most important..." he paused thoughtfully. "Field agent! Remus is going to be hanging around with her, asking questions, listening just sitting there... The boring, Remusy job." he concluded.

"So I am boring?" Remus asked raising and eyebrow, he didn't even bother to correct James' use of the word Remusy.

"Err... no! Sirius is! We'll be following you guys! You get to be in control! By... uh, talking... and... other fun stuff!"

"Oh, so I am boring?" Sirius asked raising his eyebrow.

"... How do you do that!?" James said glaring at Sirius' eyebrow.

"You can't do it James!" Remus repeated.

"Yeah... Antler-Boy!" Sirius added.

"Antler-Boy?..." asked James.

"Potential nickname?" offered Sirius.

"No way." refused James.

"Why not?"

James puffed out his chest, "Antler-Man." said James in what he hoped was a manly way.

"As fun as two word sentences are, I am going to stop this conversation," Remus said. "James, there is no way in hell, I am going to call you Antler-Man... and I'm not going to help you stalk Lily!"

"Remus, you have to!" cried James abandoning his manliness.

"Call you Antler-Man?" he asked disturbed that his friend actually liked the nickname enough to want to be referred to by it.

"No," James shook his head, he put knelt down and put his hands together, "Help me stalk Evans!"

"What? Why?"

"Because... because I became animagus for you!"

"I didn't tell you to!" Remus argued although he felt a bit guilty.

"But I still did it! You owe me!" he sighed loudly and heavily and got up. "But fine, leave your friend in his time of need, even though he helped you..." he sighed again. "Go on, just leave me to do it alone with only Sirius helping!"

"HEY!" argued Sirius.

James ignored him, his eyes watering slightly as he looked at Remus.

"You suck, you know that." Remus said guiltily. "I'll help."

"Excellent!" James clapped his hands together in celebration of his success. "Sirius you have to help too!" he ordered.

"Why?" defied Sirius.

"Because..." he paused. "you are my friend."

"Fine."

"That was easy," Remus said. "Sirius, I thought you were harder to bend."

"Did you not hear his reason?" Sirius asked incredulously.

"I have you're socks!" Peter yelled arriving into the dormitory.

"Terrific, here's the deal..."

Remus sighed and started listening to James ramble about his plan; thinking, not for the first time, his friends were complete idiots.

-----L-I-N-E-B-R-E-A-K-----

"Everyone know the plan?" asked James.

"Unfortunately," said Remus darkly. James shot him a silencing glare.

"Um, James?" A squeaky voice called to him.

"Yes, Pete?"

"I... um, well... I've noticed that... I'm not... no offence to your plan of course, but... I, um-"

"Spit it out already!" cried Sirius.

"I'm not really in your plan!" he blurted out.

"Err... You're the base and research agent!"

"What's that?"

"It means you get go over the notes after missions-" Remus groaned at the word missions. "-here at the base and... um, research where Evans will be next."

"Shouldn't we just-" tried Peter.

"No!" James screamed. "I mean, it's more fun this way."

"But, I didn't say what we should do!" Peter objected.

"I SAID, 'IT'S MORE FUN'!"

"I don't find this fun." muttered Sirius.

"Okay..." Peter said. "I guess I-"

"Good."

"But I didn't say what I guessed yet!"

"I SAID, 'GOOD'!"

"C-crazy." Sirius faked coughed. "Sorry I had something in my throat there..."

James glared at him, then picked up the unfinished Marauder's map, "So we are here and Evans is here," Remus nodded in understatement. "-there... there or here-" James continued, pointing them out.

"Wait, hold on, 'here, there, there or here'? I thought we had improved the map?" Remus asked.

"We had." James said, pushing his glasses up to the top of his nose, not meeting anyone's eyes.

"What do you mean 'had'? Oh wait!" he laughed in recognition. "Is this about what happened in the room of requirement?"

"The first rule about what happened in the Room of Requirement: We do not talk about what happened in the room of requirement." James stated shuffling various papers together, which most likely did not belong to him.

"Oh come on, Jamesie!" Sirius said with his trademark bark-like laugh. "It wasn't that bad! All what happened was-"

"The second rule about what happened in the Room of Requirement: What happened in the room of requirement, stays in the room of requirement"

"You're being ridiculous!" Remus reasoned, "We just-"

"The third rule-"

"We get it, we get it!"

"Splendid, moving on," said James.

"Finally!" exclaimed Sirius.

James glanced at the sheet of paper located in his hands, "Number six: Sirius you owe me three galleons."

"Gnah?"

"You owe me three galleons."

Sirius stood up to express his outrage, "But I'm broke! And I'm practically ORPHANED!" he sniffed. "And orphan who lived a TERRIBLE life, with and EVIL family! You'll force broke young orphan to sell his last possessions, the ONLY things reminding him of the little happiness he has, just to pay you back THREE MEASLY GALLEONS?"

"Yes."

"Fine I'll sell my beaters bat, then I'll suck at Quidditch by hitting bludgers at our team and make us lose the game on next Friday."

"The bat doesn't belong to you." James commented. "and it's not worth three galleons..."

"Than I'll steal it along with your Quidditch magazines. You better not 'snitch'."

James eyes widened at his emphasise on the word snitch. "Okay, just not last months issue, I'm mentioned in there."

"It says James Thompson from America!" said Remus.

"James. James... Thompson." he covered the last name with a cough.

"What's next?" asked Peter.

"Number seven:" read aloud Sirius. "To the li.. lib... libra.."

"Sound it out." advised Remus.

"Lib-ra-ry!" concluded Sirius proudly.

James seized the paper from Sirius and read, "Number seven: To the library!"

"Where?"

Remus sighed, "The place with books, Sirius, the place with books."