Chapter Two
There's a tiny window on the far corner of Kendall's loft. It looks out into an alley that runs behind the townhouse. Peppered among the gravel are numerous trashcans, overflowing as they wait for the pick up tomorrow. It's not a glorious view by any means, but Kendall welcomes any amount of light into his room.
He lies on his back in the middle of the night and looks out that tiny window, catching flecks of headlight that shimmer along the back of the building behind his. There's not a terrible amount of traffic on the street, but enough to make some noise all night. He thinks back to his conversation with James earlier and recalls how he said, "Y'all don't even know what stars are out here!" It's true. He stands by that statement. What a New Yorker thinks is a sky full of stars isn't shit compared the Midwest.
Next to the cot, stacked up among scattered papers is a couple letters from Kendall's mother. Even though they're all using the internet now she still insists on sending them. Kendall thinks it's quaint and homely, so he reads them, keeps them, and even writes some back. He picks up the newest one and looks it over. It's nice to see how much he's missed. He falls asleep with the letter on his chest.
In the morning, Kendall gets up and looks outside that little window to see snow falling. "Snow!" he says to himself. The child within can't help but be delighted at the flakes of ice that flutter peacefully to the ground. There's merely a dusting right now, but the sky looks as if it won't let up anytime soon.
He goes back to Rabbi Berkovic's office that day. He hopes to run into James again, but is unsuccessful.
"Kendall! So nice to see you again!" the rabbi greets him as he steps into the small room. "It brings me great joy to see you so enthusiastic. Come in, come in!"
The short old man pats Kendall on the arm and leads him through the door to the side. There is an office within that has walls entirely made of bookshelves. Although it's a bit messy, it is quite clean. Kendall sits down on the only chair (other than the rabbi's, which is a leather executive one).
"You're so quiet today," Berkovic says. "Is something troubling you?"
"Nah, not really," Kendall says. "Thinking about my folks back home is all."
"Are you on good terms with with?"
"Oh yeah, absolutely," Kendall smiles. It occurs to him that this is starting to feel more and more like a psychological therapy session. "I love my family."
Rabbi Berkovic points a stern finger at the boy. "That is the way it should be and stay!" he says and then laughs. His voice really echoes how much he cares for people.
"I talked to James on my way home yesterday," Kendall spits out. He can't get that boy away from his mind, and any bit of detail about his life that the rabbi could tell him seems worth pursuing.
"One of my favorite young men," Berkovic says. "He's in college, you know. Do you have plans to go?"
"Not really." Kendall wonders what James is studying. Medicine? Economics? What do Jews study?
"Education is very important!" the rabbi jeers. He taps his fingers along a pad of paper that sits on the desk in front of him. "You've even said it yourself."
"I'm taking my time," Kendall says, getting comfortable in the chair now. It's a bit stiff but as it conforms to his body it feels better. "What's James studying?"
"Going to be a lawyer, just like his father."
"Oh, cool." Funny though, that Kendall can't imagine James as a lawyer. He sees him pursuing a career in acting or modeling. What would a beautiful man like him do in a courtroom? It's almost a shame.
"But I doubt you're here to learn about James," the rabbi says. Sure, Kendall thinks to himself with a tiny smile.
Today, Rabbi Berkovic explains to Kendall more about Jewish law. They get further into the purpose of keeping Kosher.
"We don't keep Kosher entirely for health reasons, although there are many," the rabbi says. "The laws are written in the Torah and that is why we follow them."
He also dabbles in more personal matters but only briefly. Kendall doesn't feel uncomfortable. He wants to learn. "What about homosexuality?" he asks.
"To lie with another man is forbidden," the rabbi tells him. "Many of these concepts were also taken into Christianity, so you will find similarities. Never forget that Judaism was first!"
Kendall sighs to himself. The chances of James being queer are ever further away now. But before they can go any deeper, there is a knock on the door.
"Oh!" Rabbi Berkovic calls out. "Time has gotten away from me. Laura, is that you? So sorry to keep you waiting. Come in!"
The door opens up and a middle aged woman steps inside. She smiles shyly at Kendall.
"Just speaking with my friend," the rabbi says. "Kendall, come again anytime."
The boy lets himself out of the office and steps back onto the street. Snow is still falling, and quite heavily now. Kendall fluffs his scarf a bit tighter around his neck, shoves his hands into his pocket and carries on down the street. How do you play guitar outside in the cold like this? Now he's not sure how to make money. He stands still, takes a pack of cigarettes out from his pocket and lights one before moving once more. As he walks down the street, listening to the sound of traffic, he feels alone in the world. Although people surround him and hurry by on foot, everything is somehow peaceful. There's contentment in the crowds. Then someone comes up beside him and stays steadily at his pace.
"Can I have one?"
Kendall looks to the side and sees James there. His cheeks are bright red and his lips are sparkling pink. "You smoke?" Kendall asks.
"Just sometimes," James says quickly. Kendall nods and offers him a cigarette and lighter. The filter presses between his perfect lips and he lights up.
"You have class today?" Kendall asks him.
"Yeah, in an hour."
"Oh, cool. How is that?"
"It's okay," James looks ahead and lets two long lines of smoke billow out of his nostrils. Kendall does his best not to stare at him. Judging by his tone, college isn't his favorite thing.
"You like it?" Kendall asks. He knocks some ash off of his cigarette and it flutters down onto the snow. James shrugs but doesn't answer. Cold flakes are sticking to his chestnut hair.
"My dad wants me to go," James finally says.
"Ahhh. But that's cool. My family could never afford it."
"My dad can afford anything," James says bitterly. He sucks hard on the cigarette and a lot of smoke comes out. A thin line of pink tongue wets his lower lip. Why did Kendall have to look right then? Damn. James is undeniable beautiful.
"Awesome," Kendall smiles. The cigarette runs out and he drops it onto the ground. If he was closer to it, he would have heard it sizzle out in the snow.
"Not really," the brunet looks at Kendall now. "This is weird, but I feel really comfortable around you. Can I ask you something kind of personal?"
"Yeah sure," Kendall says. Some nervousness pings throughout his body. What is James thinking? They slow down. Snow falls harder now.
"Do you believe in reincarnation?" James asks. Kendall looks straight into his gorgeous hazel eyes and wonders.
"Never really thought about it," the blond says. "I guess so. Why not?"
"Yeah, that's how I feel," James tosses out his cigarette butt now, too. "It seems like maybe, if it happens, we've known each other in another life."
It's an interesting scene, now. The boys stop moving and they just stare at each other. James's words ring true to Kendall and his mind flies far away. Imagine if they had known each other in another life. It's a reunion. A beautiful eternal reunion. The fact that this is only the second time they've spoken and yet they connect so well is almost mind blowing to Kendall.
"Uh huh," Kendall says.
James starts to laugh shyly. His cheeks turn even redder and he glances down at the ground. "Sorry, was that weird?" he asks.
"It's cool. I like people that speak their mind, y'know? It's cool to be open like that."
"I guess I'm not used to it. My family is pretty stuck up. Like, they're big and loud, but I can't be myself." James put his hands into his pockets and kicks some snow on the ground. "Anyway. I gotta get going to class. Do you want to hang out sometime?"
"Sure," Kendall says, trying to stay cool. He wants to believe James might be asking him out, but in reality he's likely just a lonely guy who has found a friend in him. Kendall offers his number, which James stores in his phone.
"I'll text you later. Is that okay?" James asks.
"Sure. See ya 'round."
Kendall goes straight home and climbs up into his loft. It's early evening now and he really needs something to eat, but without playing today he's a little tight on cash. Instead, he flops onto the cot and looks up at the ceiling. There are four thumbtacks jammed in the wood up there that somebody likely had a poster on a while ago. Kendall wonders what it was. Probably a band poster, or maybe a piece of art? No, art would be on the regular wall. If he knew the previous renter he could figure it out. Maybe it was Jimi Hendrix wailing on his guitar, or a group shot of Metallica; God only knows, it could have been Klaus Nomi in renaissance garb.
What am I gonna eat…
Just then, the loft door in the middle of the floor opens and someone's head sticks up. It's one of Kendall's roommates and she brandishes a parcel over her head. He's seen so little of this young woman that all he knows is she's some sort of Asian and her name is Lucy.
"Are you K3?" she asks.
"Yeah."
"Me and Scottie were trying to figure out who it was."
"That's what my mom calls me." Kendall gets up from the bed and takes the package from Lucy's hands. "Thanks!"
"Sure no problem."
He looks at the familiar handwriting inscribed on a piece of tape. Yep, that's mom. Lucy is propping herself up in the middle of the door by using her elbows on the hardwood flooring. She glances up at Kendall. "You know," she says. "We never see you. Like, ever. Do you want to go out with us someday?"
"I'd be cool to it," Kendall says. He turns back to his cot and sits down. "That's nice of you."
"Okay well, next time go for drinks I'll let you know, right?"
"Awesome."
Lucy looks a little embarrassed and out of place. "Okay! Um! So I'llllllllll see ya later." Without giving Kendall so much as a chance to say goodbye, she pops away from the door and pushes it shut.
Shy girls feeling insecure and nervous around Kendall is nothing new. People have always found him to be insanely attractive, which he only halfway agrees with, and in time he just lets their mannerisms roll off him like water on feathers. He's tried to use it as a strengthener for himself; observing what others could do differently and applying it to his own life. For instance, even though James makes his palms sweat and his heart pound, he can be cool with him.
Anyway. The package. He takes his trusty pocketknife from his back pocket and slices the tape that holds each side together. Inside, among many packing peanuts is of course a small letter and then something wrapped up in Christmas paper. Kendall laughs as he reads the note.
K3,
It's early, I know! But we really can't stop thinking about you and know you can really use it. It must be cold over there. You can wait until Christmas to open it, but I think you should do it earlier. Are you doing anything for the holidays? I know you aren't coming back home, but do you have any friends that you'll hang out with? I'm curious.
Stay Warm and safe. I love you so much!
Mama
Kendall tenderly peels back the wrapping paper from the present to reveal a set of dark grey gloves. They have mitten flaps that pull back to make them fingerless, and they are absolutely perfect for playing guitar in the cold weather! Mom always knows what's best; that is for sure. Kendall starts to think of his reply letter but doesn't write it yet. Underneath the gloves is a tin full of homemade cookies. Gingerbread, stained glass window cookies, Zimtsterne and snicker doodles. He eats half of them for dinner and falls asleep in his clothes.
Morning comes and it's still snowing. It looks to be about four inches now. Kendall sits up in bed, feeling achy all over and a bit sour in his mouth, but hungry more than anything else. He checks his phone and sees that there is a new text message. It came in just a minute earlier, so it probably woke him up without him realizing it.
"Hey, it's James. Did you want to get breakfast?"
Kendall's heart flutters heavily within his ribcage. He quickly texts back, "Sure. When/where?"
"Where do you live?" James writes back rather instantaneously. Kendall sends the street his place is on and James responds, "Look up Stella's Bakery. If that's doable, let's meet in about 30 min."
"Okay no prob."
The bakery isn't too far away so Kendall can walk there. He bundles up well, new gloves included, and heads out to make good time. Is this a date? Snow is still falling and the city is peaceful. It hasn't gotten mucked up from too much people traffic yet and it feels like a winter wonderland. Kendall treads down the snow-covered sidewalk with a skip in his step. He can't believe he's going to meet up with James.
He arrives perfectly on time, as does James (his date?). He's standing out front and waves at Kendall once he's close enough. James is wearing the same blazer from the day before with a purple scarf tucked into the collar, and there's a bag slung over his shoulder. He looks dashing as expecting, and when he greets Kendall he shows a sparkling white set of teeth.
"Morning," James says. "It's not too early for you, is it?"
"Nah," Kendall says with a shrug. "So how is this place?"
"Fantastic. Let's go inside, I'm so cold."
The boys head into the bakery and are hit with a wave of heat. The inside is very cozy and full of people, all talking loudly and enjoying coffee, pastries and small sandwiches. One side of the restaurant is entirely tables, small, round and black; opposite is a long counter enclosed with a glass case. Kendall runs alongside it and looks over all they have to offer. Napoleons, almond horns, rugelach, fruit tarts, mousse cakes, black and white cookies, apple fritters and tiny pies, just to name a few of the choices. Kendall glances at James with a smile. "How do you decide?"
"Lemon tart," James says, popping his lips together. He sticks out one large yet soft finger and aims it at the case. "It begins and ends with lemon tart."
"Oh, yeah?"
James nods with his eyes narrowed. "Should I get two?"
"Yes please." They walk up to the cashier and James places their order. "Anything to drink?" he asks Kendall.
"Just coffee."
"Alright. And two coffees, please." James takes out his wallet and goes to hand the cashier his debit card when Kendall interjects. "How much do I owe you?"
"Don't worry about it," the brunet says. "Really, don't worry about it."
He signs the receipt and soon they are handed two small tarts and cups of coffee. It looks amazing. James hands Kendall his food and heads off to find a seat. They sit down near the window, getting a fantastic view of the falling snow.
"I like to use a fork and knife, but many people will just pick it up with their hands. It wouldn't be rude."
"Alright," Kendall says. He gives the tart a once over. It has a fine, light crust and a smooth yellow center with puff of whipped cream and a tiny yellow fruit slice on top. He picks it up with his right hand and takes a bite. Suddenly his legs feel weak and he's so glad he's sitting down. He must be making a hilarious face, because James starts to laugh. He cuts into his tart and takes a small bite. "Good?" James asks.
"Ohh man. I gotta come back here."
"You should. I try to have breakfast every day during the week," James says. He sighs and takes a quiet sip of his coffee. "I gotta get away from my parents you know. They drive me crazy."
"Really?"
"Yeah. My mom is a sweetheart but my dad is always on my case. I dunno. I can't be around them too much. We had a big luncheon every Sunday but other than that, uggh, shut up, you know?"
"I guess," Kendall says. He takes another bite of the tart and smiles regardless. "Sorry to hear that."
"It's alright," James tells him. The other patrons quiet seem to quiet down now, but it might just be Kendall's subconscious. He hasn't forgotten what James said about reincarnation. Was this like a reunion? Old friends that went back through the ages, finally together again. It was refreshing to think about it.
"So you don't really want to be a lawyer, do you?" Kendall asks.
James sighs real loud. Somehow he manages to stay sitting up straight but looks irritated and a bit lazy. He sips from his coffee again and sets it down relatively hard. "No. No, I don't."
"So like, what do you want?"
"Okay, this might sound silly," James lowers his voice and scoots in closer to Kendall. "Because my parents are filthy rich and I've always had a 'good life', but I want to leave the city. I want to…ah…hey, you remember what you said about stars in the country? I want to see that."
"That's easy," Kendall says. He finishes up the tart with a happy grin and guzzles some of the coffee. "You don't have to go all that far."
"Yeah, but my parents are all, 'James stay in school' and 'James don't dawdle.' I only go on vacations for like, the whole family and that's just stupid shit in the Bronx and whatnot."
"How old are you?"
"23."
"Then just fuck 'em and do what you want."
"You don't understand. My family is crazy strict." James drinks more of the coffee and scoffs. "I can't be myself around them. I can't be myself around anybody."
"Don't you have friends?"
"Not really. Does that sound weird?"
"No. Kinda sad, but not weird. Don't you have college buddies or anything?"
"Uh-uh." James suppresses a yawn against the back of his hand and looks at Kendall with a glint in his eyes. "I was pretty heavy in middle school, so even in high school when I started to get thin, they called me tubby and whatnot. Or 'that boy that's trying too hard.'"
"You were fat?" Kendall can't believe it. James appears to have a smokin' hot body beneath his blazer, not to mention tall, skinny legs.
"Yes. But now I hit the gym daily. I never want to look like that again." James looks sad.
"That's cool. I'd love to go to a gym. I went from working on a farm every day to sitting on my ass constantly. My body is getting noodly."
James giggles. "You can come with me."
"Oh?"
"Sure. I can bring guests for free. I'd love a workout partner. Jeez Kendall, I can really feel comfortable around you, you know that?"
It makes Kendall happy to know that James is happy, but he's also sad that he's been sad for so long. Kendall sips on his coffee a bit more and looks at the table. There is an exchange of silence between them.
"I had one friend in high school," James mutters and Kendall listens attentively. "You remind me of him."
"How so?" Kendall asks. This is very intruiging.
"I dunno. You're fun, lighthearted, laid back, cute and interesting. I miss that guy."
Cute?
Kendall swallows hard. Did James really say that? He was speaking so quickly that maybe he misheard him and it feels too awkward to double check.
"What happened?" Kendall asks.
"Ahhh…I don't…ah…" James suddenly looks very dismal. He finishes off the last few drops of coffee and slides the paper cup further into the middle of the table.
"Sorry," Kendall says. "I didn't know it was so sensitive."
"No worries. Really, don't worry about it. So do you want to go to gym with me now? I'm heading over there."
"Not today. I need to get mentally prepared, which I'm not. When you goin' next?"
"Tomorrow. I go every day during the week."
"Well then, maybe tomorrow?" Kendall grins.
"Breakfast here and then the gym?" James asks. He blushes.
"Sounds like a daa-plan. Sounds like a plan." Kendall clears his throat quickly, trying to play it cool. It takes up his and James's trash and tosses it out. They head to the door and Kendall takes his cigarettes out. "Want one?"
"Sure." James bums one off of Kendall and they light up together. "I'll text you tomorrow morning."