Chapter Two
"C'mon! We're gonna miss it if you don't get out now!" I pound on the door of the bathroom, urging Joni to get out of the shower.
"It's only six freakin' thirty!!" She yells.
"No, it was six thirty when you got in! Now it's six fifty!" I pound one more time and the door opens, revealing a soaking wet Joni in a black towel.
"HEY! That's my towel! What the heck?!" I yell. She just shakes her head and walks out of the bathroom, and into her room.
"Go in your room and wait for me. I'm gonna get dressed, okay?" She looks at me. I nod, resigned, and walk into my room, through hers'. I sit on my bed and turn on the T.V., excited.
"There's a two-hour marathon today, you know!" I call.
"Yes, I know, Erin!" She yells back. I chuckle and curl up with my Edward and Alphonse Elric blanket and my Edward Elric pillow. I grab my remote off of the floor next to my bed and switch on my medium-sized, silver T.V.. I have no need to switch channels, I always leave it on Cartoon Network. Just a moment after I switch it on, FMA starts. I grin, going deadly silent as episode sixteen, "That Which Is Lost," comes on. Joni hears it start and opens the door. She walks in holding her hair in a towel, fully dressed in her favorite dark blue jeans and a tight, black shirt. She sits on my egg-shaped chair while finishing drying her hair. At a commercial, she looks over to me.
"Fangirl," she coughs, then continues. "Anyway, Aren't you gonna take a shower? We've seen this episode before; they played it two weeks ago."
"Yeah, but next is my favorite episode!" I whine. She shrugs.
"Just take a quick shower." After a moment, I stand and walk out of my room, grabbing a change of clothes. Why does the library always have open mic night on Thursdays?! I think as I get strip and get into the shower.
Joni is sitting on my bed, hugging her Havoc pillow, when I come back in.
"Did I miss it??" I ask eagerly. She shakes her head and then I notice that InuYasha is playing now instead of Full Metal.
"What happened?!" I inquire angrily, grabbing the remote and opening the guide.
"Erin, this is the early showing. The marathon isn't until later tonight." She replies.
"Damn…" I mutter.
"Now c'mon. Open mic night, here you come!" She laughs, ignoring my muttering. I turn off the T.V. and allow Joni to drag me into the bathroom and set to work putting make-up on me and trying to do my hair.
"Damn it, Erin! What were you thinking when you cut your hair like this?! Were you temporarily insane?!" She complains.
"Hey! Don't pick on the haircut!" I glare. Personally, I like my hair just how it is: shoulder length bangs and the rest is chin length. I think it looks cute. After a few more minutes of torture, I finally protest.
"ENOUGH WITH THE MAKE-UP!" I yell. She stands back and crosses her arms.
"Perfect timing. I'm done." She smiles slyly. She hands me the hand mirror and allows me to look at myself. I grin as soon as I see my reflection. No preppy make-up this time. It looks like I had done my own make-up. I look closer at my almost-black eyelids, the eye liner, the thin layer of chap-stick on my lips, and the thin layer of pale foundation.
"Thank you, Joni!" I stand and glomp her. I look at my alarm clock through my door. It read 7:10
"We'd better get going; it starts in twenty minutes." I walk toward the door and glance back at my dad. He is asleep, in a drunken stupor no doubt, on the couch. I shake my head and walk out the door with Joni at my side. We walk the six blocks to the public library and, as we reach it, see that they are holding open mic night outside this week. I look at Joni, grinning.
"Awesome! Now I can be as loud as I like! Perfect timing to choose a hard rock song, right?"
"Yep." She nods. "And good time to be the first act, singing two songs." She grins.
"What? Oh, awesome!!! How'd you pull that one off?!" I glomp her once again. "What songs am I singing, M'Lady?" I ask, adding my affectionate nickname for her.
"Breaking A Habit, like you wanted, and…" She grins. "One of my favorites. With You." I jump, punch the air and yell "Yeah!!"
A few minutes later, I'm on stage, waiting to start. Butterflies are fluttering with excitement in my stomach and I've got the microphone held fast in my hands. A quick nod form the sound director tells me that the music will start in a second and I get ready. The music starts and I nod in time with it, beginning to sing only on cue.
"Memories consume like opening the wound, I'm picking me apart again… You all assume I'm searching in the wound, unless I try to start again…! I don't want to be the one the battles always choose. 'Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused. I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream! I don't know why I instigate, and say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not all right. So I'm breaking a habit, I'm breaking a habit, tonight."
"Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door; I try to catch my breath again. I hurt much more than anytime before. I have no options left, again…! I don't want to be the one the battles always choose. 'Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused. I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream! I don't know why I instigate, and say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be all right! So I'm breaking a habit, I'm breaking a habit, tonight! I'll paint it on the walls! 'Cause I'm the one at fault! I'll never fight again! And this is how it ends: I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream! But now I have some clarity, to show you what I mean. I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be all right! So I'm breaking a habit, I'm breaking a habit, I'm breaking a habit, tonight!" The music fades and then, after a moment, stops. The crowd that had gathered as I sang, roars with cheers and I bow once, then speak into the mic.
"Tonight, I shall be doing one more song, a complete opposite of what I just sang. That last song was 'Breaking A Habit' by Linkin Park. This next song is 'With You' by Jessica Simpson. Thank you!" The crowd quiets and, after one more moment, the guitar begins to play.
"The real me is a southern girl, with the Levi's on and an open heart. Wish I could save the world, like I was super girl. The real me is to laugh all night, lying in the grass, just talking bout love. But lately I've been jaded, life got so complicated. I start thinkin' about it. I almost forgot what it feels like, but with you, I can let my hair down. I can say anything. Crazy, I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground. With nothing but a t-shirt on, I've never felt so beautiful, baby, as I do now. Now that I'm with you, with you, with you, with you. (Now that I'm with you.)
"You speak and it's like a song and just like that all my walls come down. It's like a private joke, just meant for us to know. I related actually, everybody else just fades away. Sometimes it's hard to breathe, just knowin' you'll find me. I start thinkin' about it. I almost forgot what love feels like, but with you, I can let my hair down. I can say anything. Crazy, I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground. With nothing but a t-shirt on, I've never felt so beautiful, baby, as I do now. Now that I'm with you, with you, with you, with you.
"Come and take me, love, you save me. I'm nobody else, now I can be myself, with you…! I can let my hair down. I can say anything. Crazy, I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground. With nothing' but a t-shirt on, I've never felt so beautiful, baby, as I do now. Now that I'm with you, I can let my hair down. I can say anything. Crazy, I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground. With nothing but a t-shirt on, I've never felt so beautiful, baby, as I do now. Now that I'm with you." The guitar continues, then fades. Afterward, I bow and say "Thank you!" then walk off of the stage, handing the mic to the next person. I walk to the side of the building, where Joni is waiting for me along with Kale, Mia and Pandora. I smile and run up to them, hugging each in turn and saving Kale for last. He hugs me tightly and whispers in my ear.
"That was a great performance!" Kale whispers. I look pull back and look at him. He grins and I blush, then step back. I look at Mia and Pandora.
"So, what did you guys think?" I ask, eager.
"That was awesome!!" They say in unison. I grin and look at Joni.
"What about you?" I inquire. She flashes her rare, toothy grin and nods.
"That was the best you've done so far, I think." She smiles and glomps me. I laugh and return the hug. After a minute we go and stand with the crowd. I recognize the song that is being sung, a surprise to me. It's called "Far Away" by Nickleback. I hum along and sway slightly; the rest of the crowd follows my example and begins to sway. I laugh to myself. As the show begins to wind to an end, the vice-producer runs up to me.
"The last act!! He's not here!!" She cries in alarm.
"What am I supposed to do about it?!" I ask defensively. "I'm not leaving to go find him."
"No, no." She shakes her head. "Will you perform his songs?"
"What songs are they? I can't perform them if I don't know the songs."
"Um.." She checks her clipboard. "They're 'Never Too Late' by Three Days Grace and 'Hate Me' by Blue October." She looks up at me hopefully. I nod and grin.
"I love those songs!! Of course I'll sing them!"
A few minutes later, I'm getting back onto stage. I smile at Joni, Kale, Mia and Pandora. The music starts and, right on cue, I begin to sing.
"This world will never be what I expected. And if I don't belong, who would have guessed it. I will not leave alone everything that I own, to make you feel like it's not too late; it's never too late. And I never say, it'll be all right. Still I hear you say you want to end your life. Why can't we try to just stay alive? Baby, we'll turn it around, 'cause it's not too late, it's never too late.
"No one will ever see this side reflected. And if there's something wrong, who would have guessed it? And I have left alone everything that I own, to make you feel like it's not too late; it's never too late. And I never say, it'll be all right. Still I hear you say you want to end your life. Why can't we try to just stay alive? Baby, we'll turn it around, 'cause it's not too late, it's never too late.
"The world we knew won't come back. The time we've lost, can't get it back. The life we had won't be, cause I care...
"This world will never be what I expected and If I don't belong… And I never say, it'll be alright. Still I hear you say you want to end your life. Why can't we try to just stay alive? Baby, we'll turn it around, 'cause it's not too late, it's never too late. Baby, we'll turn it around, 'cause it's not too late, it's never too late. It's not too late! It's not too late, it's never too late." The music fades and, I look at the sound manager. She winks and switches on the next song. The music starts for that song and I begin to sing right on cue.
"I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head. They crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed. Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone, playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home. There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain. An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again. And will you never say that you loved me, just to put it in my face. And will you never try to reach me, it is I that want its.
"Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you… Hate me and wait. Yeah, weight's hard to swallow. Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
"I'm sober now, for three whole months. That's one accomplishment that you helped me with. The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again. In my sick way, I wanna thank you for holding my head up late at night. While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight. You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicide or hate. You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take. So I'll drive so fuckin' far away, that I never cross your mind. And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.
"Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you. Hate me and wait. Yeah, weight's hard to swallow. Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
"And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave. Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made. And like a baby boy, I never was a man. Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands, and then I found I was yelling 'Make it go away! Just make a smile come back and shine, just like it used to be!' And then she whispered, 'How could you do this to me?'
"…Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you. Hate me and wait. Yeah, weight's hard to swallow. Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you. For you… For you… For you…"
The music fades and I bow. I walk off stage and then head back to where Joni, Kale, Mia and Pandora are. I smile as convincingly as possible and it seems that I do convince Pandora, but that's all. I look at Joni and she smiles reassuringly, knowing the effect that certain things have on my mind. I then look to Mia, who smiles and mumbles: "Good job!" I pause and, after a second look at Kale.
"May I talk to you?" He asks politely, suppressing all emotion. I nod and we walk until we are out of earshot of everyone. I sit down on the nearby bench and sigh heavily. He sits next to me and puts his hand on mine. I look up at him, not knowing what to expect.
"What happened up there?" He inquires, his voice full of concern. I look down again and wait a moment to reply.
"…I… Kale, you know I'm bipolar, right? I told you?"
"Yes…" He mumbles. I sigh and then continue.
"Well, certain things, they bring me down, to where it feels like I'm…" I look up at him, measuring his reaction. "It feels as if I'm drowning. Drowning in… everything. In pain, in… the only way I can describe it is… water. Pitch-black, never-ending water. It puts a black hue over everything." His expression doesn't change, just stays concerned and worried. "I just… It's really difficult to get… happy again. To be lifted into… white, again. You see, my moods, they each have a color. Happiness is white, deep depression is black. Sadness is blue and numbness is silver. But," I pause, hesitant. I've never told anyone this. Never confessed the extremity of my moods to anyone. "Well, there is one other main one, but if I told you, you'd probably get up and run or call me masochistic and morbid." I shake my head.
"No, I wouldn't do anything like that, and you know it." I feel his arms wrap around me, pulling me into a comforting hug. "Please tell me, Erin." He pleads quietly. I sigh and put my head on his shoulder.
"Crimson."
"What is that color for?"
"When… When I shed my… regrets, my pain." I whisper.
"When you cut, you mean." I feel him tighten his grip on me. "Why do you do that? Do you realize that it hurts not only you, but everyone around? Can't you see that?" He is barely containing his anger. I bury my head in his shoulder.
"Kale, please, please, don't berate me for it. I already scream at myself everyday for it." I murmur, almost in tears. He stops and puts a hand on my neck.
"You know, if you start crying you'll ruin you're make-up." He teases feebly. I chuckle quietly and put my arms around him as best as I can without making him uncomfortable. He shakes his head; I can feel the movement in his neck.
"When I sang that song, 'Hate Me,' the lyrics just… with every word I dragged myself into the black. I went down, through the white, through the silver, the blue until I was so deep in black that I felt like I'd never breathe again, like I'd never see… you or anyone else clearly again. It scared me… I haven't been that deep since… since my mom died…" I squeeze his shoulder, barely holding back the tears. After a moment of silence, he replies with a new strength.
"I'm coming over." He announces. I pull back and look at him, startled.
"Wh-- what?"
"I'm coming over to you're house. If I can't stay the night, then I'll stay as long as I can."
"Why?"
"Because I'm going to make sure you don't do anything. To make sure you don't cut; not tonight."
"Well… I'm pretty sure my dad's passed out, drunk. When he wakes up, he'll go to the bar and then to work. It's what he always does." Hopefully... I add silently. Kale smiles, encouraged.
"Then it's settled. I'm coming over and I'm staying the night." After a minute of stunned silence, we stand and I lead the way back to Joni; Mia and Pandora having left. I smile and glance at Kale.
"I guess he's coming over." I state shakily.
"You okay?" She inquires. "What…?"
I grin. "Right now? White. When we get home though…" I add quietly. She nods, aware of the danger that Kale, striding fluidly next to me, is completely unaware of. As we approach mine and Joni's house, we pause. I hug Joni and say goodnight.
"Be careful." Is all she says in response. Kale shoots a quizzical look at me but I shake my head and step up to my front door. My hands shaking, I slowly open the door.