Hopefully, this chapter will be longer... and funnier? Well, here it is, anyway.
CHAPTER TWO
"Okay, guys, I have the autopsy report." Ike said, trying to sound professional. He handed the "report" to Titania and Zihark.
"Uh, Commander..." Zihark started.
"...This is just a drawing of a smiling stick figure." Titania finished.
"I know." Ike said. "It's the autopsy report."
-Insert awkward silence here-
"Why is he smiling if he's dead...?" Zihark asked, confused.
"Oscar was always a happy person!" Ike insisted.
Titania shook her head. "Um, but he can't be smiling if he's... dead." she said bluntly.
"YES HE CAN THIS IS OSCAR WE'RE TALKING ABOUT" Ike protested with no punctuation whatsoever. Well, except for the apostrophe. But still.
Nobody felt like arguing with Ike anymore, so we'll let that matter rest. I think.
"All right, I've come up with a new suspect." Ike stated triumphantly.
"Well, tell us who it is." Titania said.
"OSCAR!" Ike screamed loudly.
"So you're saying it's a suicide?" Zihark questioned.
"No."
"That doesn't even make sense!" Titania sighed.
"Well, of course it does!" Ike argued.
"So...he killed himself, but it wasn't a suicide?" Zihark was getting frustrated. Well, so was Titania.
"Yes. That's EXACTLY what I'm saying." Ike nodded. "I'm glad you understand my point."
Titania and Zihark shot each other glances that said 'Let's just play along...'
Poor Titania and Zihark.
Ike and Co. confronted Volke, the assassin.
"VOLKE!" Ike shouted. As usual. "I think you're pretty suspicious!"
"Why am I suspicious?" Volke asked.
"BECAUSE YOU JUST ARE AND I THINK YOU'RE SUSPICIOUS WHICH AUTOMATICALLY MAKES YOU SUSPICIOUS!" Yeah, I didn't understand Ike either, and I'm the one who wrote it.
Volke shook his head. "I'm on a job for Bastian right now, so there's no way I could have--"
"OH, SO BASTIAN IS THE ONE BEHIND THE MURDER, HMMMMM?" Ike guessed loudly. "Obviously, he hired you for a job. And I think that job was TO KILL OSCAR! You ARE an assassin, after all..."
Bastian randomly popped into the scene. Don't ask how, I because I don't know. "LIES! ALL LIES!" He protested.
But Ike didn't believe him. In fact, I don't think Ike believe what anybody says but himself. "Zihark. Bastian and Volke. Add 'em both. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, GUYS. I don't want to be hanging around with... MURDERERS!"
"Put down Lethe's name." Ike ordered. "She's a sub-human, and all sub-humans are racist, so she probably had the motive."
"Hypocrite." Titania muttered.
"EXCUSE ME TITANIA, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE I ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION!" Ike yelled. Then he went back to the...uh... investigation. "Oh, add that Tormod kid, too."
"Why?" Titania asked innocently.
"BECAUSE HE ATE THE LAST GRANOLA BAR, THAT'S WHY! And I never really liked that kid." Ike answered... violently?
"Um...Ike," Zihark began, "This list is completely biased."
'THAT'S IT!" Ike screamed. "I'VE HAD IT WITH BOTH OF YOU! TITANIA, YOU'VE BEEN DEMOTED FROM YOUR POSITION AS DEPUTY COMMANDER! PLUS, YOU TWO ARE BOTH KICKED OFF THE INVESTIGATION TEAM!"
"Commander, please stop yell--" Titania started to say, but she was interrupted by Ike yelling. Again.
"I LIKE USING CAPS LOCK, SO YOU CAN JUST SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUP!"
Zihark and Titania just ran away. Can't blame them, though.
Well, Ike thought he needed a new Deputy Commander, so he promoted...
Wait for it...
BROM! And he added Mist to the investigation team.
"Oh, Mist." Ike said, not shouted, thankfully. "Add Zihark and Titania to the list. I hate them both."
Ike looked over his list of suspects. "Let's see... Shinon, Kieran, Soren, Oscar, Boyd, Tormod, Lethe, Volke, Bastian, Titania, Zihark. I CAN'T BELIEVE SO MANY OF MY OWN MERCENARIES WOULD COMMIT... MURDER!"
Reyson walked over to Ike. "Ike, I'll be a witness, if you need me to. I saw the murder. WITH MY OWN EYES."
"Good, good." Ike nodded. "The more evidence, THE BETTER! Now, let's get this trial STARTED!"
Everyone was gathered in...some room for the...ah..."trial".
"Reyson." Ike said. "TO THE STAAAAAAND!"
The heron prince looked around, confused. "Um... where's the stand?"
"Actually, I don't know." Ike admitted. "I guess you could just... stay where you are. But enough of that. TESTIMONY. NOW."
Reyson shifted nervously in the chair, and stood up. "Well...
It early yesterday morning. It was raining. I saw Oscar go into his tent, but I didn't pay any attention to it. Then, I saw a figure clothed completely in black slip into the tent, then I heard a scream. Then I ran away crying for my dad.
And that's aaaalll I remember."
Ike nodded. "You may be seated. NOW. Let's have our first suspect go to the..er...stand up! SHINON!"
Shinon moaned, and stood up. "This is just a waste of my time!"
"Shut up, nobody cares about your personal needs." Ike stated. "Now, if you have a reasonable alibi, we'll let you go."
"I was out training with Gat--" Shinon was cut off by Ike yelling again.
"WELL, IS THAT SO? I DON'T BELIEVE YOU FOR A SECOND!" Ike screamed. Everyon rolled their eyes at the crazy commander. "Actually..." the blue-haird boy began. "I'm getting hungry. I'M PUTTING THIS TRIAL ON HOLD SO I CAN GET SOMETHING TO EAT! STAY WHERE YOU ARE!"
And everyone groaned at the thought of waiting for Ike.
END OF CHAPTER TWO
I hope this one was better. Please review!