Summary:
Naruto runs an underground newspaper called 'The Daily Ramen', focused on poking fun at the fragile egos of the rich and famous. How does Sasuke respond when he moves to town and gets in Naruto's crosshairs? Not particularly well. Sasuke x Naruto (Yaoi boy x boy)
Warning: Sarcasm and taunting. Language.
Author's note: Thanks for your comments and suggestions! I was able to work some of them into this chapter (see credits at the bottom). This chapter is dedicated to everyone who has been having a bad week. I have PM'd with so many of you who are either sick, or annoyed at school/work, or having family issues. As I sit here with my head cold, finishing this chapter way ahead of schedule because I feel too tired to go to the dojo and work out, I hope you get a few laughs to make things a little better.
-xXx-
The Daily Ramen, September 25
OUR DUMB WORLD - Tiresome things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly column by Nara Shikamaru
Italy has finally found a way to engage voters in politics: elect porn stars into office. In a recent landslide election, the adult film star celebrated her victory by baring her breasts to her supporters. There was some concern whether this constituted bribing of the electorate in a literal "tit" for tat exchange, but no formal complaint has been lodged. Rumor has it that the rest of parliament, regardless of party, is looking forward to working quite closely with their new colleague.
IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly column by Uzumaki Naruto
There has been tremendous interest in the arrival into Kohona of Uchiha Financial Holdings, an operation run by the sons of its founder, Uchiha Fugaku. We were unable to obtain an interview with either of these two highly-sought-after brothers to ask about their initial impression of our city, but we have heard from one source that while the Uchihas are happy overall with their new home in Konoha, Uchiha Itachi thinks the new Konoha government policy for randomly searching passengers on the high speed rail is "a little bit gay."
While many Konoha residents are pleased at the arrival of the Uchiha brothers on the elite social scene, an inside source says there is at least one malcontent. The Uchiha brothers' house cat is reportedly disgruntled because of the presence of so many other pussies in his residence most evenings, as socialites scramble to secure their financial futures by trying to gain marital alliance with the Uchiha empire. We have been unable to reach either brother for comment on this issue. They are most likely 'getting busy'.
I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata
I like to watch. But that doesn't mean that you get to watch back. To the couple that lives down the hall from me, here is a message. If you are trying to invite me to join in by creepily staring at me while you make out with each other in my hallway, you are going about it the wrong way. Threesomes sometimes can start spontaneously, but not generally in the middle of a public space. Unless it is Mardi Gras, but that is an entirely different story. If you are just so bored with each other that you are constantly scanning your surroundings for a new partner, then please stop these lame PDA moments until you find someone who can actually capture your attention properly. No one gets off on boring or half-hearted PDA. You're wasting everyone's time. Just stop.
DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba
So I get that concert ticket prices have been going up. I really do. But how dumb do you have to be to try to climb over a razor wire fence while drunk off your ass and high? I guess that question sort of answers itself, but an unfortunate group of college students found themselves on the wrong end of this stick - literally - when they put it to the test. I don't know about you, but I'd rather pay the ninety bucks for the price of the ticket than have a stick surgically removed from my ass after falling on an upturned dead branch.
BAD SHIT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU - But at least now you know. Weekly horoscope by Aburame Shino
I am sorry to say that a plague of locusts will be descending on all year of the rat, ox and snake within the next 24 hours. Run. Run like the wind. Try not to trip on all the year of the rabbit bastards screwing in the streets. There is a small chance that year of the monkeys are getting laid as well. Make the most of it. The rest of you are safe for the week.
SPORTS NEWS! - Sports are a celebration of endless youth! Join me in reveling in them! Weekly column by Rock Lee!
If you thought you were too fat, weak or talentless to make money as an actual athlete, you can now fulfill your dreams of brining meaning to the world by running your own fantasy sports team! Especially now that most actual sports teams are on the verge of bankruptcy or scandal! Keep sports pure! Make them imaginary! In celebration, I will go out and do an imaginary double-ultra-marathon! And also - [Oh, sorry. I have once again been informed that - due to space constraints on our webpage - I will have to end my posting here. But next week! There will be more space added to the internet by next week! And then I will post more!]
Sasuke boarded his evening flight to London at JFK International Airport. Taking over the venture capital side of the business from his father had quickly gotten him used to extensive travel. At first, the travel and pace of work had nearly crushed him, and he had wondered how his father had managed to do this for the past thirty years. But Sasuke quickly learned the ropes of international business travel, and now found it - if not enjoyable - at least survivable.
He watched as a man wearing a crisply pressed business suit entered the first class cabin with him. Amateur, Sasuke sneered. Sasuke was dressed comfortably in black sweat pants and a long-sleeved, dark blue T-shirt. The sweat pants hung low on his hips, the soft material showcasing his toned ass. The flight attendant with the red lipstick and red shoes slid her gaze over his body before snapping out of it and putting on her patented cheerful face.
"Mr. Uchiha, so nice to see you again. May I hang that for you?"
As usual, Sasuke had his suit pressed and hung on a padded hanger. This way it would not become crushed in his suitcase and require time-consuming pressing when he landed. "Yes, thank you," Sasuke told the woman smoothly, letting her take the hanger from him. Her finger brushed lightly along the back of his hand.
"Welcome to first class, Mr. Uchiha. Please let me know if there is anything at all that I can help you with."
The question and answer were always the same. "No. I'll be sleeping immediately after take-off. Please don't wake me for meals or duty-free."
The pretty blond flight attendant sighed, but her smile didn't falter. "Of course, sir."
Sasuke had learned how to fall asleep within ten minutes of take-off, which was fortunate, because whatever sleep he got on the 6 hour 30 minute flight would be all he would get until the following evening. His flight landed at 7am London time, and he had five client meetings in various locations around London, including a lunch and dinner meeting, before he would be boarding his flight back to Tokyo. He couldn't be falling asleep while hearing the proposals that the companies in his venture capital portfolio were pitching. His decisions would be final on which to invest in and which to walk away from, and it would make or break their earnings targets for next year if he didn't choose wisely.
Sasuke stored his briefcase and roller bag in the overhead bin. He settled into his wide, comfortable seat, relieved to see there was no one sitting next to him, and removed his shoes. The flight attendant came and offered him a choice of orange juice, champagne, water, or a drink of his choice. He requested a glass of merlot, and two bottles of water. The flight attendant gave him a wink and said she'd be more than happy to do that for him.
Sasuke forced his body to relax and sipped his wine, swirling the red liquid leisurely in his glass. First class had a reasonably good selection. He avoided the food wherever possible, though, because even in first class, airplane food was... airplane food. He felt no sadness about sleeping through the meals they would be serving during the overnight flight. He pulled out his phone and scanned his agenda that would dictate every moment of his time once he landed London, mentally going over the key issues he needed to probe on in each meeting. He had just finished when the announcement came that the doors were closing, and he turned the phone to airplane mode.
Leaning back in his seat, Sasuke held the wine glass lightly and closed his eyes. He mentally sorted through his impressions from the past two days of back-to-back meetings he'd had in New York. He needed to sleep on the flight and it wouldn't help if his mind was distracted by unfinished business. The wine helped to relax him, but he wouldn't have another glass. He'd learned the hard way that more alcohol just meant more dehydration from the already dry air on the plane, and that gave him headaches on top of his fatigue from the ever-changing time zones. So he would allow himself one glass through taxi and take-off, then would drink only water for the rest of the flight.
The plane waited in the queue for take-off for almost half an hour, but that was typical for JFK, and Sasuke was not perturbed. He used the time to outline the best way to summarize his findings and highlight the most critical decision points that he would need to present to Itachi and the board when he returned to Japan. His sharp, analytical mind quickly structured and dissected the issues, and by the time the plane had turned and was accelerating for take-off, he had made his decisions and knew how he would articulate them.
He held his now-empty glass to prevent it from sliding as the plane picked up speed. This was always his favorite part of the journey. No matter how many times he experienced it, the slight adrenaline rush of the plane racing along the ground then slowly lifting off never got old. As soon as the plane was up and turning towards its flight path to London, Sasuke reclined his seat, setting the empty glass on the side table, knowing an ever-attentive attendant would be by within seconds to collect it. He unpacked the pillow and blanket from their plastic, sanitized holdings and reclined the seat flat for sleeping.
He pulled the blanket over his head to keep the fluctuations in light from bothering his eyes, and put in his earbuds, setting his 'sleep' playlist on repeat to drown out the ambient sounds of people eating and annoying announcements from the pilot. Within ten minutes he was asleep, unaware of how the flight attendants' eyes drifted wistfully over his sleeping form beneath the blanket.
Sasuke woke six hours later as the plane began its descent into Heathrow International. He downed the two bottles of water to help rehydrate his system after the long flight, and stuffed his pillow and blanket into the bag as the flight attendants walked through to collect them.
"Here is your suit, Mr. Uchiha. I hope you enjoyed your flight," the woman said, struggling to prevent her cheeks from flushing at the sight of his slightly groggy and disheveled appearance. She wished he was waking up in her bed, rather than on the plane, but the handsome young businessman seemed so cold and reserved that she didn't dare offer.
. . . .
They always let first class passengers de-plane first, so Sasuke had no issues making his way quickly through passport control and customs. He had no check-through luggage, and simply headed towards the Virgin lounge in the airport where he had a steam shower, setting his suit in the small closet door where it would be pressed to perfection before he finished washing himself. He hated the smell of planes. The fuel and the scent of the other passengers always left him slightly nauseated, and he was grateful for the copious amounts of hot water in one of the tastefully appointed shower rooms he had requested in the first class lounge. While the shampoo and body wash weren't his brand, they were high end and the smell was not offensive.
He showered quickly, drying his hair and adding enough gel to keep it from going crazy. His one nod to vanity was the copious amount of lotion that he smoothed over his entire body to help his skin rehydrate after the drying effects of the plane air. Looking at himself naked in the mirror, he felt satisfaction at the toned and well-defined lines of his body. It was a point of pride that - no matter how busy his life was - he kept himself in shape.
He opened the small windowed closet and found his suit pressed, brushed and waiting for him. He dressed quickly, adjusted his tie, and stepped out of the spa area to find his driver in the lounge waiting for him.
"Mr. Uchiha. So nice to see you. Allow me to take your bag."
Sasuke handed his roller-bag to the man, keeping his briefcase with him so he could review the details of his upcoming meetings in the car. Twelve hours later, he'd be back for another shower, then would board the flight to Tokyo.
He had allocated the first four hours of the flight to writing up a report for Itachi and the board on his recommendations for the proposals he had evaluated over the past thirty-six hours, and drafting up a quick financial model to assess their risks and value to the existing portfolio. He would then have the remaining eight hours to sleep before landing and starting his full day there.
Sasuke thought wearily that it was fortunate that his father's marriage was arranged, because there was no way to have any sort of actual social life when your work takes up every waking minute of your day.
Fortunately, Sasuke had no interest in relationships. He generally found people annoying and - aside from the company of his brother - preferred solitude to socializing.
-xXx-
Sakura loved her new job. She'd only been working there a month, but there was something so energizing about the place. As the head of Public Relations and Communications for Uchiha Financial Holdings, Sakura had to deal with the random press inquiries, the requests for interviews with the owners, drafting internal communications and handling any PR disasters. Not that she expected any of the latter. If the Uchiha brothers were nothing else, they were controlled. The idea of any sort of scandal ever relating to them directly seemed a complete impossibility.
She booted up her computer and began her day the way she normally did, by scanning the headlines and making sure that their company or its owners weren't in any of them.
Her weekly meeting with Itachi was scheduled for later that morning, but she still had half an hour before she was supposed to meet him. That should give her plenty of time, though she didn't expect to actually find anything.
She took a sip of her coffee, enjoying the smooth taste of the high quality brew that the office served. Everything about their company was high quality. But the brothers expected high performance in return, and Sakura was going to be sure she didn't let them down. She took her job very seriously, and even though her best friend, Ino, thought she only took the job because of her extremely good-looking bosses, the truth was Sakura like the challenge of working for such a prestigious organization.
The fact that she got to have weekly meetings with Itachi who just happened to be the most attractive human being she had ever set eyes on was a nice bonus, but it wasn't her focus.
Just for fun, Sakura clicked over to a news site that some of her friends ran. She still had a couple of minutes, and always got a kick out of what the group of reprobates got up to. In a way, their job was the opposite of hers. She needed to use careful language to smooth things over. They were as politically incorrect as possible to stir things up. A small smile played on her lips at the thought.
Until she got to the second story on the site and her coffee sprayed all over her computer screen as she choked on it in a fit of coughing.
"No... Oh, no, no, no, no... Naruto I'm going to kill you!"
She frantically grabbed her phone and dialed. After his awful break-up with his last boyfriend, Sakura had called Naruto every couple of days to check in on him, until finally he had told her that she needed to get a different hobby and stop mothering him. She had reluctantly obeyed, and slowed her checking in on him to only weekly. But Naruto had thrown himself into work with a vengeance, rarely hanging out with anyone not employed at The Daily Ramen, and Sakura had been busy looking for a job then getting up to speed in her new role. It had been nearly three months since she had talked to him.
But that didn't mean she wasn't going to kill him for this.
"Hey, Sakura! I haven't heard from you in forever! What's up?"
"You are so freaking dead, Uzumaki!"
"What? Are you talking about that guy I gave your number to who was hitting on me at the bar? Because I was totally wasted and that was all Kiba's fault because he -"
"What? You gave some gay guy my number instead of yours? Why didn't you just make up a number?"
"Wait, that's not what you're mad about? Is it because I told Shika that your hair looked kinda like Nicki Minaj's? Because I was totally joking and -"
"Naruto! How could you even... what are you..."
"Um, ok, so I'm just going to stop guessing now before I totally screw myself more. Sakura, why are you calling me?"
"I'm calling you because I'm the freaking head of PR at Uchiha Financial Corp, and you just ran a headline on the front page of your stupid paper talking about my bosses being homophobic nymphomaniacs! I'm going to kick your blond ass to Australia! I want you to take down that article before -"
Sakura froze as a throat cleared behind her. Feeling like she was trapped in some sort of horror film, she slowly turned around to see Itachi standing behind her.
"What is this about your friend writing an article about Sasuke and me being homophobic nymphomaniacs?"
"Naruto - I gotta go. Make sure your will is finalized."
Sakura hung up, not taking her gaze from her impassive boss. "Itachi-san. You're early this morning," Sakura said, trying to force her face into a smile, knowing it was pointless.
"I think you need to print whatever you were just discussing with your friend and meet me in my office. It appears we have more than usual to discuss this morning."
Sakura sighed as Itachi turned and walked seemingly calmly down the hall to his corner office. If Naruto cost her this job, she was going to move into his apartment until he found her a new one. And eat all his ramen, just for good measure.
Drawing a steadying breath, Sakura hit print then took the still-warm pages to her boss's office. She was only glad that Sasuke hadn't returned yet. Itachi was able to remain polite regardless of the circumstances. The younger of the brothers was sarcastic and biting on a good day. When he was annoyed... well... he certainly wouldn't win a Miss Congeniality award any time soon.
The swimsuit contest he probably had a shot at, though.
. . . .
Itachi finished reading the print-outs that Sakura had given him. She had shown several issues of The Daily Ramen to try to give some context, but she wasn't sure if it was helping or hurting her cause.
"So, you were saying that you went to high school with the two founders of this... periodical... and you are close personal friends with Uzumaki Naruto, who wrote this week's column featuring my brother and me?" Itachi asked, his voice, as always, inflectionless.
"Um, yes, Itachi-san," Sakura said, wishing she had a better read on whether her employer was amused, angry, or indifferent.
"And did this Mr. Uzumaki request an interview with either Sasuke or myself in advance of this article?"
"No, Itachi-san. Naruto didn't know that I'd started work here, so -"
"I see. Well, then. Since he has already shown such an interest in my brother and myself, I propose we invite Mr. Uzumaki in for an interview. You'll take care of the scheduling, yes?"
"Y-yes, of course, Itachi-san. But... I should just warn you that Naruto is a bit -"
"I'm sure we'll get along just fine. You just make sure he shows up in this office sometime this week. I'm sure Sasuke would love to make his acquaintance as well."
And then Itachi did something that made Sakura's blood run cold.
He smiled.
-xXx-
Sasuke stepped out of the elevator at the ground floor of the luxury high rise that he lived in. He had gotten in late last night and had barely managed to get six hours of sleep before it was time to be up and showering for work. Today he had to present his recommendations to the board, but he'd meet with Itachi first to go over a few key points. God, he needed coffee. He didn't have to travel every week, but even every other week was draining on him. He'd continue until they had the running of the business fully transitioned from their father and operating smoothly. But then he was going to talk with Itachi about hiring a head of VC that could cover Europe, and one for the US. The markets were large enough to justify it. Their father had been a control freak when it came to running the business, never delegating anything. And it had landed him in the hospital with a triple bypass surgery and high risk of stroke by the time he was fifty.
Not the path Sasuke wanted to follow in the long haul.
He had just entered the high end coffee shop that was situated conveniently in the ground floor of his apartment building when a familiar figure waiting in the short line caught his eye. Sasuke noted that the annoying blond was once again wearing jeans and a T-shirt. The person in front of the blond finished placing their order, and he walked up to the counter to talk to the barist. Sasuke had crossed to get in line behind him, noticing once again how well the blond filled out his worn-looking jeans. The snug T-shirt appeared soft and thin, and the contours of the tan man's back were discernible beneath its smooth surface.
Not that Sasuke was interested.
. . . . . .
5 minutes earlier -
Naruto walked in to the coffee shop across the street from his office. He had long ago given up trying to make his own coffee in the morning, even though it was way more expensive to buy it from the coffee shop. But his coffee always ended up resembling black sludge, no matter how many times he read the instructions on the coffee bean pack. It might have to do with the fact that he had purchased the cheapest coffee machine that he could find. I mean, how great can a ten dollar coffee-maker really work? But the $600 cappuccino machine that he had really wanted was completely out of his budget. Plus, he wasn't sure he really wanted to have to deal with all the clean-up of the milk-frothing part as regularly as would be needed. Disposable plates were really more his speed for clean-up.
So having made the decision that - for his own health reasons (specifically, avoiding getting food poisoning for his inability to properly clean his kitchen appliances) - he would continue to pay his four dollars per cup of cappuccino each morning from the shop across the street. It was on the ground floor of one of the luxury apartment complexes, so it wasn't cheap but the coffee was amazing. It was his one splurge. Naruto could never quite remember the name of the shop, because it was something in French, but he ignored the snootiness of the atmosphere in deference to their truly amazing coffee.
Finally it was his turn in line. "I'll have a cappuccino with double milk and sugar," Naruto said, his mouth already watering at the though of the sweet hot milk with the hint of coffee.
"Why does it not surprise me that you drink your coffee like a child," a sarcastic baritone voice came from behind him.
That same fucking arrogant voice.
Naruto reluctantly turned around, annoyed that his one indulgence of the day had been marred by that asshole from the grocery store.
"Seriously?" Naruto asked, for the moment so annoyed he couldn't even formulate a come-back, which was fairly unusual for him. He wrote it up to his lack of morning coffee.
Taking advantage of Naruto's momentary silence, Sasuke stepped forward to place his order. He reached back to get his wallet, the motion causing the thin cotton of his designer shirt to pull taut across his toned chest and flat stomach that tapered into narrow hips, contrasting well with the breadth of his shoulders beneath his well-tailored suit jacket.
"Green tea, no sugar."
Naruto rolled his eyes, forcing them to look somewhere other than the man's body. "Oh, so you're one of those."
Sasuke knew he shouldn't respond. But somehow he couldn't quite stop himself. "One of those what?"
"One of those people who think that by removing all the pleasure from the foods they eat - sugarless tea, tons of tasteless vegetables, brown rice shit - they're going to live forever. Although why you'd want to is beyond me. If my life was as sterile and boring and fucking joyless as yours, I'd be throwing myself off the first roof-top I had access to."
Sasuke felt his eye twitch. Joyless? Who the hell even used words like that to describe things? "Well, given that you know absolutely nothing about me, I will somehow manage to refrain from throwing myself off the nearest building at your sage advice."
"I don't need to know you. You walk around in your high-end, boring-as-hell funeral-looking business suits, making snide comments to strangers who are just minding their own business enjoying the simple pleasures in life. As far as I can tell, you only have like two facial expressions: sneering and smirking. I mean, I don't have to be a psychic to tell you're an asshole."
"Says the guy wearing clothes that look like they were bought at a thrift shop, who's probably spending his rent money on a coffee from a place he likely can't even spell the full name of."
Naruto smirked, leaning back against the counter as he waited for his coffee. The motion drew attention to the tight black T-shirt that he was wearing, and the way it clung to the blond's well-defined torso and arms. He probably does some sort of manual labor for a job, Sasuke thought condescendingly. You don't get a body like that working behind a desk. Probably digs ditches or something.
"Wow. So you're not only a total asshole, but your an elitist one as well. Don't you just take the fucking 'nice-guy' cake," Naruto said, accepting his coffee from the barista and thanking her with a friendly grin. He took a drink of his coffee, refusing to let this asshole spoil the indulgence he'd already paid for, and licked the small bit of sweet foam from his lip.
Sasuke's eyes followed the motion of Naruto's pink tongue, then dropped back to the blond's chest where he finally noticed the lettering: I am FIGURATIVELY sick to death of people misusing the word LITERALLY.
Somehow the words didn't fit with the mental image he had in his mind of Naruto being an illiterate ditch-digger. "Whose shirt are you wearing? Doing the walk of shame this morning? I guess that would explain why you're in this apartment building. You clearly can barely afford the coffee, much less the rent."
Naruto snorted. "Yeah, butthead. I spent the night getting railed by some rich intellectual who lives in this building, then took his shirt in the morning. Because of course I could never have picked out this shirt on my own, being the low-class, uneducated manual laborer that you clearly think I am."
"Butthead? Very mature," Sasuke said, accepting the tea and trying to block out the mental image of some faceless guy driving into Naruto's perfect ass.
"Hey, you're the one who appears to spend hours each morning trying to make his hair into a stylized duck's ass. I'm just acknowledging your efforts." With that Naruto turned. "I've got to go get to my job at the construction site. Can't be late for work or the foreman will have my ass. And his T-shirts aren't as cool."
"So you do work construction?" Sasuke asked, feeling somehow better about the whole conversation as long as Naruto came out a ditch-digger in the end.
Naruto just laughed. "God, you're such a fucker," he said and walked out of the coffee shop, realizing he still didn't know the asshole's name, but hoped they'd quit running into each other.
He hadn't looked at his phone to see the text message from Sakura that he needed to be down at Uchiha Financial Holdings tomorrow.
-xXx-
to be continued...
yes, the Italian porn-star politician story was inspired by Cicciolina. Hinata's feature was based on a hilarious suggestion/experience from Animerockchick. Shino's plague of locusts is brought to you by the wonderful mind of KH Freak 813. Sports News is loosely inspired by Rasengan22's comment recently that she is getting pulled into fantasy sports. And Sasuke's life is inspired by my own, though I have a different job I have actually done the flights and meeting schedule shown here. And it sucked.
I will continue to weave in ideas people send for column content, or Naruto's T-shirts. :-)