Not Mine.
The thing is… he has a girlfriend and he's happy with Nina. He's not looking for an escape route or contract renegotiations. That's not the way he works. He has no issue with fidelity.
So why is that when he looks into the broken eyes of Mackenzie McHale does he feel like the biggest cheater of them all?
When he first asked Nina out for diner, Mackenzie wasn't even on his mind. In fact if it hadn't been for Nina's you forgot I heard the message he might have even been able to not think about Mac for a whole five minute but she said it and he thought it and ever since that one sentence he knew he was screwed.
He asked her out a second time because he's persistent and he feels like he needs to prove that he doesn't love Mackenzie again (because you can't love some again if you never stopped) and the only way he can't think to do that is by fucking Nina.
So he did.
He's a smart guy. An intelligent guy. He thinks that might be both his best and worst quality.
After all it got him out of that hell hole home full of beatings and misery and a fucked up future and if he hadn't of left he never would have been at that news station to fall in love with Mackenzie.
Then again at the same time if he hadn't been such a fucking thinker then maybe he wouldn't have over evaluated the whole Mackenzie debacle and just gone with his fucking heart. Then maybe he'd been in his office fucking Mac and not Nina and what the fuck is he saying because he's meant to want Nina in his bed and Mac six-feet deep in a grave.
The problem is fuck- and he means it- fuck he misses Mac.
He misses her in the way the way a diabetic misses chocolate. It's not that he can't do without her, it's not like he cries about her in his bed at night (so what, maybe it happened once, it doesn't mean anything and shut the fuck up) it's just that, fuck, he misses her.
He misses her lilting accent and the way she scowls when he'd tease about her Englishness (because I'm a fucking American Billy!) but most of all he misses how they'd say the same thing at the exact same time.
But missing isn't the same as forgiving and he certainly hasn't finished hating her just yet. Punishing Mackenzie McHale is a pastime and one that he hates with every single piece of him but he goes through it anyway because that's what is expected of him. During their one embrace, right after the whole Rudy thing, he'd almost changed his mind about the whole I can't forgive her, I can't forgive her, I can't forgive her mentality. With her arms wrapped around him so tightly he didn't know how he could ever let go. And yet, he had. And now he fucking hates himself for it. For ever letting her fucking go.
He wishes he could take their relationship all the way back to the very first day they met because he didn't know who she was exactly but he loved her legs. Like, seriously those were some excellent legs, long, lean, sexy. And her hair. Brown and curly and streaming down the back of her even sexier suit. It was all so much and he's pretty sure he fell in love with her before he even heard that voice.
And he thinks that's why he was so screwed when he talked to her in her office because when she came in her hair was curlier then usual and she was wearing a skirt and fuck he knows he shouldn't be finding her hot but he's a man after all and he just can't stop.
But then she looks at him and he's lost in those eyes. Eyes so broken and full of despair and fuck it's his entire fault and he probably, definitely should have told her about Nina.
"Mac." Because that's all he can manage to say with that I'm fucking hurting look in her eyes.
"You need to leave my office right now William." And he's not sure what he's expecting but it's not that because she's always fought and now she's not she's just ordering that he leaves and more fucking sorry now then he ever has been before. He needs to apologies, to wipe himself of these sins and although he's never been overly religious he suddenly feels like he needs to go to confession and just let loose because he's been an ass and he should apologize. So he tries.
"Mac, I want to apologise. You never should have fou-" And he knows he apologizing for the wrong thing but fuck he's just not quite ready for anything else and he knows when she cuts him off that it just wont do.
"You need to stop Will." And he does. He needs to stop hating her and he knows that not what she's talking about but it's all he can think about. "You don't owe me anything. Not a thing."
And he knows full well that's a lie. She came back into his life and the line of fire and saved him and his career and he owes her everything yet has given her nothing. And if he's being honest he may as well admit it.
"That's not tru-"
"I fucked up Billy! I fucked up five years ago." And sure that may be true but he feels the sudden need to take some of the blame because he knew back then she wasn't ready to be loved and yet he insisted on it. Insisted on her moving in and he forget sometimes that she's a decade younger and scared. He knows she made the fucking awful decision to go and fuck Brian just as much as he knows how easy he made it for her and just as he goes to admit this to her she takes a fucking baseball bat to his soul. "This hurts Billy! Standing here, talking to you, it really fucking hurts. So, if you feel any care for me what so ever you'll just get out. So I can sit here and cry and try to live with the fact I not only broke your heart but that I broke my own."
He's not sure what to do (or even how to breathe and this point) and so all he does is turn around and escape to his office because although running away has always been her thing he's still pretty good at it. He goes to his office and he's still not entirely sure what to do just that he has to do something so he grabs his blackberry and that's when he gets it.
Another text message from Nina.
He almost laughs when he realizes that in that whole conversation he never even thought about Nina even though it was all fucking about Nina yet when he tries to talk to Nina all he can think about is Mac He almost laughs but then he realizes how much it fucking hurts to love Mackenzie and he almost starts to cry. Only he's never been the best at emotions and in a quick fucked up minute decides that reading a replying to Nina will fucking fix everything.
Yeah it fucking fixes everything except anything.
Hey William. Mine tonight? X
And he knows it childish but he hates being called William. It feel like he's being scolded for his mother and he longs to be called Billy but instead of making that a possibility he's turned into an impossibility.
He thinks this might be his very own self made Perdition and this thought does nothing but make him hate himself more because this time round it's all his fucking fault.
Then the guilt hits him. Nina never been anything but nice since they started dating and she's his girlfriend and he's meant to be falling in love with her and he can't do that if he doesn't spend time with her and spending time with her is not meant to be akin to being in the fiery depth of his hell.
Yeah. Be there at 7 x
The thing is… he has a girlfriend and he's happy with Nina. He's not looking for an escape route or contract renegotiations. That's not the way he works. He has no issue with fidelity.
So why is that when he sees the broken eyes of Mackenzie McHale does he feel like the biggest cheater of them all?
Still to be continued.
I can't believe I updated so quickly guys. You know what you should do to award me… you should review ;)