"Hey girl, what's up?" Kirsten asks. Oh why, dear pigs, is this so HARD?

"Nothin'. Just chillin'. Fluorescent lighting." I say. She looks at me weirdly. Well, there is fluorescent lighting on the ceiling.

"Are you okay?" she asks. Of course not! I have to keep a suuuuuuper juicy gossip secret to myself!

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say. "Actually no, I'm totally not. I really need to pee." I say, running full-speed to the nearest bathroom.

Okay, I totally lied. But if I stayed there, I would have to tell her, and Kirsten is known for spreading gossip. Dipper would hear about it within three minutes, except the story would be changed because Kirsten would have found it boring. When it got to him it would be that they were making out under the bleachers after the high school football guys beat him up or something.

I can't believe that I agreed to this. It's so difficult for me. I mean, besides Kirsten, I'm the bubbliest bee with the gossip news. I know I can't keep a secret! I mean, seriously. Even with a death penalty, I'll still burst like an oversized purple glittery bubble.

Out of all the people on the planet, Dip knows me the best. And he should know that he can't trust me with this secret!

But I need five dollars desperately. When I was practicing for the play tryouts I accidentally knocked over a lamp and I've already got a few dollars in the fund to replace it before Mom notices. Plus I'm an eighth grade girl. Five bucks may not seem like much but to me it's HEAVENLY.

Welllllllll…this just got super awkward. I'm in the GUYS' bathroom…whoops. Just smile and wave…and get out of here.

I've got to tell someone. What about that random fifth-grader who just came out of the bathroom stall? Nah, that might be a bit creepy.

"Hey, guess what?" I say to the kid, smiling. He looks at me and runs out of the bathroom screaming.

I'm not that scary. Right?

"Mabel, it's CREEPY for a girl to be in the guy's bathroom. And you smiled? Oh God…"

I defend myself by burying my head in my giant sweater and saying "It's not that weird."

"You have no idea how weird it is." Dip tells me. We're at home discussing my mishap of the day. "So have you blabbed yet?" he says.

"No sirree. My lips are sealed…and so are yours." I say, smiling. He groans, knowing what will come next. "With a KISS!"

"I don't believe that you haven't said anything. Not even to Kirsten?" he says.

"Bro, if I told Kirsten, you would know." I say.

"Fair point." he says. He knows about Kirsten's gossip habits.

"I'm totally lip-locked. Take the key and eat it if you've gotta." I say, mimicking zipping my lips shut, locking them, and handing him an invisible key.

"There's nothing there." he says. I take the key back and unlock and unzip my lips.

"I could say the same about your imagination."

"You can be MEAN!" he says. "And when you're mean, Mabel, I know your weaknesses."

He scoots closer to me and begins to tickle me.

"Stop! Please, for the love of heavenly pigs, STOP!" I cry out. He just laughs along with me and I begin on the ticking.

Eventually our parents mistake this for a fight, since we're rolling around and jokingly calling each other names and stuff so we're separated and put in our own dungeon cells. The princess and the prince are sad, having tragically been separated from their sibling. The damsel was in distress, crying into her multiple petticoats, wondering when she would see her beloved brother again, as she peered out the window in the tower…

Sorry. Random fairytale tangent. But they did pull us apart and say to stop fighting.

I should continue that! Maybe my English teacher would let me turn that in for my project…

Nope. We're reading Hamlet, and we've gotta do a big project to show what we learned, so I'm dressing up Waddles and calling it "HAM-let, an interpretation of the Shakespearean play by Mabel."

Dip says that's stupid. But what does he know?