I got caught up by the chase/And you got high on every little game

I wish you were the one/Wish you were the one that got away

Rayna was sitting in the den when Maddie got home from school. Daphne had gone to a friend's house, so for the afternoon it was just the two of them. Rayna smiled at her oldest daughter as she came to sit next to her on the couch. She reached for her and pulled her in close.

"Mom, can I talk to you about something?" Maddie asked.

Rayna pulled back and looked at Maddie's serious face. "Of course, baby. You can talk to me about anything."

"Really? Even if it's about Deacon?"

Rayna's eyes widened for a moment and her face turned solemn. "Even if it's about Deacon." That had been an unspoken off-limits topic ever since the accident. Rayna knew Maddie had talked a little about Deacon with Tandy, because her sister had told her, but Maddie hadn't brought him up to her. Maddie and Daphne both had been clingy in the weeks after Rayna had come home from the hospital, very protective of their mother, and they had avoided any difficult conversations or discussions about painful topics. Deacon being the most painful of all.

Maddie considered what she wanted to ask. It had been weighing on her mind for a while, but she hadn't known how to bring it up. But in light of recent events, she needed to. "I don't know what to do, Mom," she said finally. "Deacon's been calling me. A lot."

Rayna's eyes widened again. "What's he calling about?"

"I really don't know. When he calls, I don't answer. He just leaves a message saying he wants to talk to me."

"How often has he called?" Rayna ran her hand over Maddie's hair, smoothing it, and then putting a strand behind her ear. Anxiety sent little shivers through her body.

Maddie shrugged. "Five or six times maybe? In the last couple of weeks." She sighed. "I don't know what to say to him, Mom." She looked at her mother carefully. "I know what happened before the accident. That he was drunk. And I know he's an alcoholic, so…."

Rayna took a sharp breath in. "How do you know that?"

Maddie rolled her eyes. "All you have to do is Google it. Every article about your accident talked about it. They all said that he was drinking and doing drugs the whole time y'all were together and that you put him through rehab five times." She looked at Rayna closely. "Is that true?"

Rayna reached for Maddie and pulled her close. She hated that Maddie had seen all that, but she realized that it was too easy these days to find out all kinds of information. And her daughter had certainly proven herself to be very resourceful when she was looking for something. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry you had to see all that." She sighed. "But yes, all of it is true. Deacon had a really tough time with drugs and alcohol, mostly alcohol. I thought he'd figured out the solution this last time, but obviously not."

"Did he start drinking again because of me?" Maddie's voice was small and heartbreaking.

"No, of course not! Don't ever think that. Deacon has always loved you and I know he does now." She thought about how much to say to her daughter and decided she was old enough to hear the truth. At least some of it. "He started drinking again because of me. Because I didn't tell him about you. And I probably shouldn't have kept that from him." She pulled a little away from Maddie so she could look her in the face. "But that does not excuse him," she said sternly. "It was the wrong way to handle all of that. I need you to know that."

Maddie nodded. "I guess." She crossed her arms across her chest and rolled her shoulders forward.

Rayna's breath caught in her throat as she recognized that gesture as being something Deacon did. A lot. Especially when he was angry or hurt. "Maddie…."

"Mom, I don't know what to do. It feels weird. What do I say to him? And what about Dad?" She looked up at her mother, her face a mixture of accusation and confusion.

"What do you want to do about Dad?" Rayna decided to start with the less painful question.

Maddie looked away and then looked back. "He's my dad. I love him."

Rayna smiled sadly. "He loves you too, baby. I know he'd love to hear you tell him that. He's been so afraid you wouldn't want to be his daughter anymore."

Maddie moved so that she could curl up against Rayna. "Mom, I don't know how to be around Deacon anymore. When he was just our friend, it was ok. But now all my friends know about his drinking and stuff and it's, well, it's embarrassing. I don't know if I want to tell them that he's my father. And what if he wants to take me away from you?"

Rayna tightened her grip on Maddie and she frowned. "That can't happen, Maddie. He might want to see you and try to be a dad to you, but he can't take you away."

Maddie turned her face into her mother's shoulder, so her voice was muffled. "Why didn't you tell him?"

Rayna struggled with what to tell her daughter. She had asked the question before, in the heat of the initial revelation, and Rayna had given her a carefully constructed answer. The truth was too painful and she thought Maddie was too young to understand the complicated emotions and situations that had led to her decision not to tell Deacon he had a daughter. But now that Maddie had done her own research, she thought maybe she could get a little closer to the truth. She never wanted Maddie to know that Deacon couldn't remember the events surrounding her conception, but she thought there were more details she could share that would help her daughter put some order to her shattered world. "Maddie, I know I told you that Deacon had problems back then. So around the time that I got pregnant with you, he was probably at his worst. I was really afraid he wasn't going to be able to work through all of this. I put him in rehab one last time, but I couldn't be sure he could do it long term. I had to think about you. And you were the most important person in the world to me. I hope you know that."

Maddie sighed against her shoulder. "I believe you."

Rayna felt the tears start and she swiped at them quickly. "I wasn't sure Deacon could handle all of that, so that's why your dad and I made the decision we did. And you know that Dad loves you. You are his daughter. I made a good choice for you there. And you can see now that all of this is hard for Deacon, so I think I was right to make that choice for you. But no matter what anyone might tell you, I made this decision for you and you alone. That was more important than any guilt that I might have felt about keeping it from Deacon or any pain that Deacon feels now." She kissed the top of Maddie's head and smoothed her hair. She didn't want to tell Maddie just yet that Deacon might ask to have his paternity established. She had really hoped that they would have been able to work this out privately and so she wasn't sure how to approach it with her daughter. "I don't know what will happen with Deacon or what he'll want to do. I want you to know, though, that I will always try to make sure that you have some choice in how that goes. And I hope that you know you can talk to me about it and I won't be mad at you for your choices."

"Thanks, Mom," Maddie said softly.

Rayna held Maddie close and closed her eyes. This was why she had to make the break with Deacon. Maddie shouldn't be going through this hurt and this confusion and this pain. And neither should she. She had lost sight of that when she had gotten back together with Deacon before the accident. She had pretended that everything that had gone on before no longer existed. She only remembered the good times and forgot about the pain and suffering and heartache. She had missed the subtle little clues that told her that he had not changed, that his obsession with her had not ebbed. And she had pushed down her own doubts, had allowed herself to give in to her own obsession and forget potential consequences. They had been playing their old game and it had only led them back to the same dark and painful place where those games had always ended.