Chapter 2
"Alex, open the door." Casey says as she knocks on the bedroom door for probably the tenth time. She tries the door once again but sighs when it doesn't budge. "Alex, c'mon…open the door."
"No!" Alex's voice rings through the door loud and clear. "Why should I? So you can come in here and force me to sleep with you?!"
"Al, you know that I would never force you to do anything."
"Then what the hell was that downstairs?! You're drunk Casey, and I don't want to be anywhere near you if you're going to be aggressive like that, so just go away."
Casey closes her eyes and rests her head against the door, knocking once more as if it will cause the door to open on it's own. "Alex please, I'm sorry okay? I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Well you did." Alex retorts quickly, still making no move to unlock the door. "Casey, your drinking is getting ridiculous. You have a problem. Why won't you let me help you?"
"Because I don't have a problem! I'm fine; I've already told you this before. Why don't you listen to me?"
"If you didn't have a problem then you wouldn't be drinking the way that you do. And you wouldn't be drunk during the day like this. I just want to know why you won't let me help."
Casey exhales sharply as she squeezes her eyes shut once again, trying to will away the pounding headache that is slowly brewing in the back of her head. "Alex, I said I was sorry, what more do you want from me?"
"How about get help?" Alex reiterates, wondering why it is that her point once again isn't getting across like it she hoped that it would.
"There's nothing wrong with me! Well you please open the door so we can talk to each other properly and not like an elderly married couple?" Casey pauses when she doesn't hear any movement on the other side of the door. She sighs when she realizes that Alex isn't going to open the door, and she makes her way down to the guest room where she's made her self comfortable on more than one occasion.
Alex still sits on the edge of the bed with her arms tightly folded across her chest and her stare is so intent on the floor that one would about halfway expect her to burn a hole through it. Her eyes close and she takes a few deep breaths once she hears Casey make her way from the door.
Honestly, she can't even remember when things have ever been this…bad for lack of a better term. It seems like four years ago her life was damn near perfect and now everything looks like it's been shot to hell.
Finally getting up from the bed, she makes her way over to the door and hesitantly unlocks it. She then steps out into the hall and makes her way down towards the guest room, pausing when she hears the shower going in the bathroom.
"God Case, I love you but something has gotta change." She murmurs as she makes her way down the stairs to do her traditional cleaning of the new found mess.
Alex moves over to the sink where she washes her hands, and she soon falls into her own thoughts about what she's going to do. She has no idea how long she has been standing there but she comes to terms that it must have been awhile when she feels arms encircle around her waist from behind.
"What're you thinking about?" Casey hums as she nuzzles the side of the blonde's neck.
Alex is thankful that the ever before present smell of alcohol has completely disappeared and is replaced by the familiar commingled scent of Casey's shampoo and body wash as well as her favorite toothpaste. "I don't know; just thinking about us I suppose. How we're this close to getting married, how we're going to spending the rest of our lives together, maybe even start a family."
Casey tenses at the mention of a family once again, and she knows that Alex mentioned it on purpose. She really doesn't want to fight about it right now, so she just simply decides to look over the comment. "Yes, and I would want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you."
Alex feels her heart sink when Casey doesn't respond to her comment about having a family, so instead, she tries to use a different tactic. "So, I went over to Serena's today. Cece is really sweet you know. She asked about you."
"Hm, what'd she say?"
"She just wondered where you were, why you didn't go with me. Like I said, she's really adorable, and Serena tells me she's super excited about being our flower girl."
"She's a good kid." Casey responds, her tone a little more dismissive than she had intended for it to be. She knows exactly what Alex is trying to do, and that was sort of her silent way of saying that it wasn't going to work.
With a sigh, Alex spins in her lover's embrace and runs her fingers through damp crimson locks. "Why don't you like children Baby? I think they're just wonderful."
A frown creeps across Casey's face and she tilts her head to the side in question. "I like Sierra." She points out evenly.
"That's not I mean." Alex replies shaking her head, her eyes casting downward briefly before they make eye contact again. "I mean, why don't you want start our own family? Have a child of our own?"
Casey sighs and she ducks her head as she purses her lips. "I don't want to fight with you on this Alex, please."
"I don't want to fight either, I just want to know why. You know?" Alex states quietly, her eyes pleading for an answer.
"I just don't know Alex." Casey says with a small sigh. "Children are just so much work Al. They cost a lot of money, they're messy, and they're loud. One of us would have to take off work for something at one time or another. I just…I dunno. I just don't like kids…"
Alex sighs sadly and gently strokes her lover's cheek with her hand as she nods sadly, her gaze cast down to the floor. "Right, of course. T-that's fine. Listen, I think I'm going to head out to get some groceries later, you wanna come?" she asks trying to change the subject.
Casey shakes her head before she turns her head slightly and places a kiss to the inside of Alex's hand. "Nah, that's okay. Think I'll just hang around here and watch TV. Maybe find a baseball game or something."
'Baseball means that you'll be drinking again.' Alex thinks to her self, but refrains from saying it for slight fear of the consequences of doing so. "Right…well, you have fun with that. Let me know if you change your mind okay?"
"Okay. I will. Hey, I love you. You know that?"
"Yeah, I know…I love you too."
Meanwhile…
Olivia sighs exhaustedly as she steps off of the elevator at the precinct. Frowning to her self, she can't exactly shake the feeling that something is wrong, but as always, she tries to push the thought into the back of her mind, and prepare her self for the worst.
Shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket as she strides into the squad room, and she immediately knows that something is off; something just feels off. Everyone is quietly doing their paperwork with out even looking up at her entrance when at least one of them usually has something to say.
"Don't all greet me at once." She greets the rest of the squad with a small twang of dry humor.
"Oh, hey Liv." Elliot says flatly barely looking up from his desk before he buries himself back into his paperwork.
Olivia frowns and looks over to Fin for prepared to trade a question for an answer when she notices that they are one person short in the squad room. Her frown deepens when she strides over to Amanda's desk and immediately notices the badge and gun placed atop of it, with the rest of it so clean that you can practically see yourself in it. "Where's Amanda?" she asks quickly, worry beginning to slowly set in.
"She left this morning." Cragen says sadly as he steps out of his office. She came in early this morning, cleaned out her desk and turned in her badge and gun before she left. She didn't say why she was quitting, but she said that she could do this anymore. I tried to get her to explain what it was that she couldn't do, but she kept shaking her head and begging me not to question her. Like I said, she didn't say why she was quitting, she just…quit. Did she not tell you?"
The brunette detective's face falls and she shakes her head sadly. "No she didn't. We never even talked about it." she murmurs before she starts heading back towards the elevator. "I'm sorry, I-I have to go, I have to…I have to find her."
Ignoring the calls from her partner, Olivia forgoes taking the elevator and quickly descends the stairwell where she makes her way back down to her car. Even on the drive over to her lover's apartment, she can't come up with a plausible reason on why Amanda didn't talk about this with her, or even how long she was thinking about turning in her shield.
The drive lasts a little longer than needed and Liv grabs something from her glove box before she jumps out of the car and makes her way up to her girlfriend's apartment. Instead of knocking, she immediately inserts her key into the door and lets her self in, gasping at what she sees.
The apartment is pretty much empty as if someone has intentionally cleared it out completely. She moves towards the bedroom when she hears a noise and cautiously pushes open the door in time to see Amanda shoving her clothes into a suitcase. "M-Mandy?"
Amanda looks up from the suitcase and sniffs before wiping her eyes. "H-hey Liv." She forces out hoarsely as if she's been crying for a while. "What're you doing here?"
"I went into work this morning and you weren't there. I asked about you and Cragen told me you turned in your shield this morning. How long were you thinking about doing this?" Olivia asks as she tries to keep the hurt out of her tone.
"It's…been a while." The blonde admits as she shamefully aims her eyes towards the floor. "It's been a while."
"And you didn't tell me? We didn't talk about it, I thought everything was…fine?"
"It's not fine Liv. It's not. I tried to tell myself that it was but it's just not. I realize that I was almost four years ago, but Liv, this isn't going away. I've talked to George, I've talked to several specialists, I just…it's not going away! Every time I close my eyes I'm back down in that cellar. Whenever I go to sleep, I'm back down in that dark cold cellar where it smells like nothing but death and sex. Then I see his face, and he does whatever it is he wants to do. I couldn't move Liv, god, I couldn't move, I couldn't fight like I was supposed to! I was weak, and I disappointed everyone one, and I failed…I failed Abbie."
"Amanda, don't say that. You didn't fail Abbie, she knows that-"
"What she knows is that it is my fault that she's dead. I watched him Liv, I should have fought him so he wouldn't have shot her. I should have been strong, and because I was weak, Sierra is missing a mother. It's because of me that that sweet innocent little girl doesn't have two mothers than can tuck her in at night, or, or take her to the park to play, or watch movies or pick her up from school, or any of the other things that mothers are supposed to do with their children! And it's because of me that Serena cried her self to sleep for practically a year just like I heard Alex say she did! I can't live with these demons anymore Olivia, I just can't do it."
Olivia swallows the lump in her throat and steps forward where she reaches out to place her hand on Amanda's arm but pulls back when the blonde finches. "But, what about me?" she chokes out to, flinching when she realizes how selfish that sounds. "What about us?"
Amanda laughs lightly as she hangs her head and wipes her tears away. "I love you so much, you know that? I love you so much, and that's another reason I have to go. You deserve better. You deserve someone who isn't as broken as I am. You deserve someone who you can hold at night, someone who won't flinch when you touch her, and who will let you kiss her and make love to her. You just…deserve someone better, someone better than me."
"But, I love you. I love you, and only you, and I don't want anyone else."
"And I love you too. Which is why I have to leave. God, I'm so sorry for doing this, I just…it's what's best, for the both of us okay?"
With a sigh, Olivia hangs her head before she takes a much needed deep breath. "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to move back in with my mom." Amanda explains sadly. "You're a very special woman Olivia, and you deserve someone special. I'm sorry that I couldn't be that person for you." she concludes before picking up her suitcase. "I need to go put this in the car…"
Olivia opens her mouth to add more but finds her self stepping to the side as Amanda makes her way past and out the bedroom. She stands in complete shock for a moment before she remembers what she it was that she picked up from her glove box.
Reaching into her pocket, she pulls out a black velvet ring box and tries to keep her emotions in check as she opens it; she Olivia Benson and Olivia Benson does not cry, at least, not like this. She sighs heavily when she runs her finger over the simple diamond ring nestled in the box.
"You really are nothing special, and you most definitely don't turn heads like you probably should, but she would have made you look beautiful." She murmurs to the ring before she places it on the top of one of the empty dressers. Feeling like she's more than worn out her welcome, she shoves her hands in her pockets and leaves.
When Amanda makes her way back up to her apartment to get the rest of her things she notices that Olivia is gone. Wiping away her finally subsided tears, she makes her way back into her bedroom where she notices something sitting on her dresser.
She walks over to the dresser and gasps when she sees the simple engagement ring sitting soundly inside of the black velvet box. She places her hand over her mouth as she picks up the box to examine it closely.
"She was going to propose…"
Later That Night
Alex finishes putting up the groceries and sighs contently to her self as she realizes that she's had a relatively good day, despite the rocky morning that she had. She's gotten some things done, and she feels productive, and most of all, she's slightly gotten rid of the nerves that come with her getting married soon.
After double checking the locks, she cleans up the couple of beer bottles that were left on the coffee table before she makes her way up to the bedroom. She notices Casey already lying in bed staring blankly at the ceiling.
"I was wondering when you'd come to bed." Casey hums as she watches her fiancée slip under the covers next to her. She scoots closer and wraps her arms around Alex before she begins placing soft kisses up and down her neck.
"Casey…" Alex says calmly as she feels the kisses on her neck and the warm hands caressing the skin under her shirt. She waits another moment before she gently pushes on the redhead's shoulder. "Casey, not tonight. I'm not in the mood."
"Come on Al, it's been a while." Casey purrs as she begins nibbling on her lover's earlobe.
Alex shrugs out of the embrace and scoots over in the bed, putting a fair amount of distance between the two of them. "I'm serious Case. I'm not in the mood. Just not tonight…not while you've been drinking." She trails off into a sad whisper.
Casey rolls her eyes and sighs exasperatedly. "Alex seriously, I'm not even drunk. I only had two beers, maybe. It's not even that big a deal." She pauses before her tone goes into irritation. "C'mon Babe, I wanna have sex…"
"Yeah, well I don't; especially not after what happened this morning."
"I said I was sorry, what more do you want? How are we gonna spend out honeymoon if you won't even have sex with me now? Isn't that the whole point of the honeymoon?!"
Alex sits up pin straight while her eyes are laced with hurt. "I just don't want to have sex right now! That's all. We can have sex later, just not now. Please, I want to go to sleep. I'm tired Baby…"
Casey huffs irritably before she lies back down and turns over to the other side of the room. "You're always tired." She spits venomously before turning out her bedside light and muttering a rather dark 'night'.
Alex sighs and turns out her own light before she slinks down into the warmness of the blankets. She lies there staring at the ceiling for a moment wondering if this would be a night where Casey would turn over and hold her.
After probably about ten minutes of hopeful waiting, she sighs when she hears the familiar even sound of Casey sound asleep next to her.
'Guess not…'
A rather sad chapter…but it's a sad story. Anyway, hope to get a little more feedback on this one. Leave your feedbacks!