A/n: Hey! Thanks for the reviews. Now this chapter is from the scene when Jacob goes to see Bella on her wedding day. It's one of my favourite scenes and at this point of the Twilight Saga, Jacob is such a tortured guy and I wanted to put my spin on what's going through his head, it's a pretty long chapter took me a while so please read and review. Much Love x x x
When I got home I knew what I had to do.
I stared at my haggard reflection in the mirror, to be honest it was strange looking at myself, I didn't feel like me anymore. I was used to being constantly in my wolf form.. My hair was overgrown, I was long overdue for a haircut, unfortunately, wolves don't have the convenience of a barbershop.
I grabbed a pair of scissors out of the kitchen and stood in front of the mirror and chopped away until it was short again. It wasn't even, it was in no way passable for a presentable haircut but I didn't care. I analyzed myself again, my fingernails were packed with dirt and I smelt terrible. So I showered and cleaned myself up and again went to judge myself in the mirror.
I knew I was setting myself for torture even if it was one last time. But I had to see her again, Bella would have wanted me there today, I knew that. She would have wanted me to stand by her side at the alter as her best man. In an ideal world I should have been stood at her side at the alter as her groom but this isn't an ideal world I live in. It's a cruel world. She was getting married to the one thing that I simply just could not tolerate so I had to let her down. I wouldn't have been able to stand at her side as she made her vows knowing she was making the wrong choice. Why couldn't she see that she could be happy and life a long and healthy life with me. I would never ask her to throw her life away, but that's what's she doing and she's doing it all for him. If he loved her, truly loved her. Why would he let her get her way with this? Being with Cullen… it's not natural, not like it would be if she were with me it would be as easy as breathing, but he's an addiction and she can't see what a junkie she's become. I've tried everything I could think of to stop her, to save her from herself, from him. But she's a lost cause.
It'll kill me to see her in that white dress, looking her most beautiful on the happiest day of her life, knowing that it won't be me who gets to share the happily ever after and knowing that when they come back from their honeymoon, she wouldn't be Bella anymore, she'll be a true Cullen. A leech.
I sucked in a deep breath and slipped on pair of jeans and a t shirt. Another glance at myself in the mirror, I saw the twisted grimace on my face which seemed to be a permanent feature these days. Who had I become? I punched the mirror, it shattered and the glass pieces fell to the ground. I looked at my fist and saw glass embedded under my skin, I felt no pain as I pulled out the shards and watched as my wound sealed shut in seconds, I wiped my bloodied knuckle on a dish towel and left the house and ran towards my worst nightmare.
"Jacob," I was half way between La Push and the Cullen's house when I heard my name being called, I stopped and turned to face the direction of Sam's voice, he emerged from the trees with Jared and Paul at his flanks. Quil and Embry were behind them as wolves, both looking at me with sad and longing expressions, "It's good to see you," he said, I heard actual relief in his voice, he had been worried about me.
"Sam," I said evenly
"You're going to the wedding?" he guessed correctly "Is that wise?" he asked
"Probably not," I answered, "But I have to see her again,"
Sam sighed, "I can't let you go alone,"
"You don't need to follow me," I muttered
"I think we do," Paul scoffed, "You're a mess Jake, think you'll be able to keep it together?"
"Oh because you're such an expert at keeping it together?!" I yelled at him
I tried to control myself, I felt myself shaking and I couldn't afford to go back home and change after shredding my clothes and a fight with Paul. I might miss everything, miss seeing her Human for the last time. I knew the wedding would be almost over now. If I could barely keep it together in front of Paul's worthless remarks then they were right it would be doubtful I could keep it together in front of the Cullen's. I met eyes with Sam he understood my silent question and he nodded once.
"We'll keep back and just watch, we shall only interfere if you start to loose it," Sam said,
I nodded in agreement, the boys stripped off and phased into wolves and followed me towards the Cullen's stupidly oversized mansion in the middle of nowhere. They were so bigheaded, flashing their money about with their big house and their fancy cars. I know that stuff didn't impress Bella, so I couldn't fathom the reason behind why she loved the leech so much.
As the lights around the house came into view I begun to hear the music playing, people laughing, talking and having a good time. Well good for them! It made me sick.
I felt bad for Charlie as it suddenly occurred to me that he didn't know what his daughter is about to do to herself, he's not going to see her for a long time, and when he finally does see her again she might be the one who can't keep it together, she could be the one who kills him. I shuddered at the thought of Bella with blood red eyes and pale, ice cold skin. It actually made me sick to my stomach. I froze in place. My brothers looked up to me, I could tell they were wondering what I was doing. I needed a few seconds to collect myself, I couldn't think about things like that now. I was going for Bella. In my own selfish way I hoped that by seeing me again she'd reconsider things, I know she loved me too. She figured that much out. She told me herself, but she said it hadn't been enough, maybe time had given her perspective to see what she'd be loosing, to see that maybe she did love me more.
I mentally scolded myself, she still went and married him. I was fooling myself to even think that. I was only going to stop by that wedding for two reasons, one, to make Bella happy, because I know she'd want to see me today and two, to say goodbye. I sucked in a deep breath and continued walking, my heart pounded faster with each step nearer I took. If this didn't break me, I don't know what else would.
Edward would definitely be able to hear us coming by now we were stood waiting for them to come to us at the east side of the house surrounded by the thick forestry.
Then I saw her.
Edward lead his (cringe) wife towards me, it was obvious she couldn't see me yet it was too dark for her human eyes, but Edward was looking directly at me, "Thank you," he said, "this is very… kind of you,"
You don't even know the half of it, I thought knowing he would be able to hear what I was thinking, but today was for Bella, I would keep the peace and so would Edward, "Kind is my middle name. Can I cut in?"
Bella seemed to be in some kind of shock her hands were around her own throat and she looked kind of Limp in Edward's arms, was she okay?
"Jacob!" she gasped, "Jacob!"
"Hey there, Bells"
She came toward me, a little awkwardly since she was still in Edward's grasp I held my arms out to take her off him and he finally handed her over. I pulled her into me and just held her as if I was holding on for dear life, she buried her face into my chest and I smelt her beautiful hair, I wanted to remember this scent, my Bella. The way she'll always be to me. I rested my cheek on her head and our moment was spoiled by Edward, "Rosalie won't forgive me if she doesn't get her official turn on the dancefloor," he said, good he was giving us privacy. Well sort of, I knew the nosy bloodsucker would still be listening in. He shot me a look before leaving.
"Oh Jacob, Thank you,"
I could feel tears soaking through my t shirt, "Stop blubbering, Bella. You'll ruin your dress. It's just me," I couldn't understand her sometimes.
"Just? Oh, Jake! Everything is perfect now."
Perfect? Ha! "Yeah, the party can start. The best man finally made it."
"Now everyone I love is here" she said, my heart skipped a beat, she loved me, I knew it all along but again she rubbed it my face – it just wasn't enough, apparently there's no comparison between me and the vampire. There was enough evidence around me to prove that. I would miss her so much, I kissed the top of her head.
"Sorry I'm late, honey" I whispered
"I'm just so happy you came,"
I smiled, at least I got something right, "That was the idea,"
I caught Bella looking back at the crowd of people enjoying the party, "Does Billy know you're here?" she asked. The others saw me running back when our minds were linked as wolves, one of them must have told my dad already.
"I'm sure Sam's told him. I'll go see him when…" keep it together, Jake, "when the party's over,"
"He'll be so glad your home,"
I pulled back to end our death grip embrace, I slipped my hand around her back and her right hand with my other and cradled our hands to my chest, she'd be able to feel my heart beating, maybe it'll remind her what she'll be missing out on. I slowly started moving her in a slow circle with me in time with the music, "I don't know if I get more than just this one dance," I told her, Bella was difficult to maneuver around, she wasn't very coordinated on her feet, "I'd better make the most of it," And I was making the most of this, every moment with her now was precious. I wish I could hold her to me forever but this seemed like a perfect way to say goodbye at least. "I'm glad I came," I said softly, it was true, "I didn't think I would be," I actually thought I'd rip out the throat of every vampire here and steal Bella away on my white steed, play the role of knight in shining armour. But Bella probably wouldn't see it that way, "But it's good to see you… one last time. Not as sad as I'd thought it'd be,"
"I don't want you to feel sad," Bella told me. In fact this moment was probably the most heartbreaking moment of my life, but I told her that to make her feel better. As ridiculous as it is Bella can't stand to see me hurt, it hurts her. And I don't want to see Bella hurting either. I had to put on the brave face.
"I know that." I told her, "And I didn't come tonight to make you feel guilty," Not guilty. But maybe, help change her mind. It's not too late. At the miunte it would only take a divorce lawyer.
"No – it makes me very happy that you came. It's the best gift you could have given me,"
I laughed, "That's good. Because I didn't have time to stop for a real present." She then looked up at me, and really looked at me. Her eyes must have adjusted around the darkness.
"When did you decide to come back?" she asked
"Consciously or subconsciously?" I asked. When I realized I had to see you again before it was too late? I sighed, today I had to put Bella first, "I don't really know. I guess I've been wandering back in this direction for a while, and maybe it's because I was headed here. But it wasn't until this morning that I really started running. I didn't know if I could make it." I woke up yesterday and realized that I had to be here to see you human one last time and I hadn't stopped running until I was back in La Push. Quickly change the subject before you say something stupid. "You wouldn't believe how weird this feels – walking around on two legs again. And clothes! And then it's more bizarre because it feels weird. I didn't expect that. I'm out of practice with the whole human thing," we continued moving around in our little circle and again I took another look at her appearance, she was breathtaking, her skin was milky and perfect, the subtle make up enhanced her already beautiful features, her hair looked elegant, and her dress was stunning.
"It would have been a shame to miss you like this, though. That's worth the trip right there. You look unbelievable, Bella. So beautiful," Those words weren't even enough to describe the way she looked tonight.
"Alice invested a lot of time in me today. The dark helps too." Bella could never take a compliment, I guess she forgot that my vision was perfect in darkness. I smiled
"It's not so dark for me, you know,"
"Right." She nodded, "You cut your hair,"
"Yeah. Easier, you know. Thought I'd better take advantage of the hands,"
"It looks good." Bella had always been a bad liar
I snorted, "Right. I did it myself, with a pair of rusty kitchen shears," I grinned. And then again I took in Bella's appearance, looking at her mouth the way it turned down at the edges, this was supposed to be her big day. My grin disappeared. "Are you happy, Bella?"
She looked at me like I was an idiot, "Yes," I believed her, she was happy she was now married to the leech but I had caused her frown, she was worrying about me still.
"Okay," I said, "That's the main thing, I guess."
"How are you, Jacob? Really?" I didn't know anyone who could look deep into my eyes and see right through me like Bella could. She needed to stop worrying about me, after tonight whatever it was between me and her, friendship bordering on something more, it had to stop. Bella would be gone and in her place would be a monster. I had to stop thinking about that now if I were to get through this.
"I'm fine, Bella, really. You don't need to worry about me anymore. You can stop bugging Seth," I saw in his mind when I was linked to him as a wolf that'd she'd always call him to check up on me.
"I'm not just bugging him because of you. I like Seth,"
There wasn't really anything not to like about him, he had a big heart, you couldn't help but love him. "He's a good kid. Better company than some." Paul. Leah. "I tell you, if I could rid of the voices in my head, being a wolf would be about perfect."
She laughed, "Yeah, I can't get mine to shut up, either." Bella made a funny, trying to make me feel better I guessed, best play along. To make her happy.
"In your case, that would mean you're insane. Of course, I already knew that you were insane," I hoped it sounded like I was teasing, but really she must be insane to want to throw her life away for some guy. Not even a real guy, a vampire.
"Thanks," she muttered
"Insanity is probably easier than sharing a pack mind. Crazy people's voice don't send babysitters to watch them,"
A confused look crossed her face, "Huh?"
"Sam's out there," I explained, "And some of the others. Just in case, you know,"
"In case of what?" she asked, obviously she didn't understand
"In case I can't keep it together, something like that. In case I decide to trash the party." I wish. But then I saw the look on Bella's face, "But I'm not here to ruin your wedding, Bella. I'm here to…" why was I here?
"To make it perfect," she finished for me
"That's a tall order,"
"Good thing you're so tall," Another funny? I groaned because this time it wasn't so funny.
"I'm just here to be your friend. Your best friend, one last time," surely she must understand why I said one last time, but she didn't make a mention of it. Perhaps she was upset as I was about not seeing her again.
"Sam should give you more credit," she said
Actually Sam was giving me too much credit, but what Bella doesn't know… "Well, maybe I'm being oversensitive. Maybe they'd all be here anyway, to keep an eye on Seth. There are a lot of vampires here. Seth doesn't take that as seriously as he should" It was true. The kid was too kind for his own good, if he wasn't careful he could get himself killed.
"Seth knows that he's not in any danger. He understands the Cullen's better than Sam does." Yeah I forgot Sam and Edward became best pals after the fight with Victoria months ago. Whatever. I had to remember I was here today to fill that tall order, to make today perfect for Bella, and that meant not doing or saying anything stupid to upset her.
"Sure, sure," I shrugged
"Sorry about those voices," she said, "Wish I could make it better,"
"It's not that bad. I'm just whining a little," Bella's day, remember.
"You're… happy?
No. "Close enough, But enough about me. You're the star today." I laughed, Bella hated being in the spotlight. "I bet you're just loving that. Center of attention,"
"Yeah. Can't get enough attention," the look on her face said it all, it made me laugh. I looked over her head and watched the party going on in full swing. People dancing, talking. Smiling. But to be fair the party was pretty spectacular.
"I'll give them this much," I said, "They know how to throw a party,"
"Alice is an unstoppable force of nature," she was the one who could see the future right? I heard the music change to another song and I sighed
"Song's over. Do you think I get another one? Or is that asking too much?" Please don't let this moment end yet, I'm not ready to let you go.
She tightened her grip around my hand, "You can have as many dances as you want," she said firmly
I laughed picturing it, if that were really true she'd be back here with me all night and everyone would wonder what happened to the blushing bride, "That would be interesting. I think I'd better stick with two, though. Don't want to start talk," I twirled her around some more and my heart pounded, I didn't want to let her go, this should have been our night. Edward I'm begging you, I know you can hear me. Please, please, don't hurt her. Don't turn her. Don't take her away from me.
"You'd think I'd be used to telling you goodbye by now," I murmured. I looked down at Bella and saw the silent tears rolling down her cheeks, I caught them mid flow and wiped them away, "You're not supposed to be the one crying, Bella." I'm trying my hardest to stay strong for you, you can't do this to me now.
"Everyone cries at weddings,"
Was she finally having doubts? "This is what you want, right?" I asked hoping the answer would be "No, I want you, Jacob"
"Right." She answered, no such luck then.
"Then smile," I told her. She made a bad attempt at a smile and I had to laugh, "I'm going to remember you just like this," I said, remember her as a beautiful human, "Pretend that…"
"That what? That I died?" she interrupted me, she was right of course, but I couldn't admit that.
"No," I answered, "But I'll see you this way in my head. Pink cheeks, Heartbeat, two left feet. All of that." Especially heartbeat. She took me by surprise when she stomped on my foot. I could tell she had put a lot of effort into it, but she hadn't hurt me. She made me smile, "That's my girl," My girl, my Bella. Oh god I'll miss you so much. Again the vision of her with blood red eyes and pale, ice cold skin came into my head. Bella crouched low, snarling. Feral. No. How long did I have until that was all that was left of her?
"What is it, Jake?" she asked, were my emotions plastered all over my face for the whole world to see? Or could Bella just read me that well. "Just tell me. You can tell me anything."
"I – I… I don't have anything to tell you," I lied,
"Just spit it out," Bella said, stubborn Bella, like a dog with a bone.
"It's true. It's not… it's – it's a question. It's something I want you to tell me."
"Ask me,"
I couldn't do it, the horrible pictures flooded my mind and I wanted it to just stop! "I shouldn't. It doesn't matter. I'm just morbidly curious." I muttered
Then it was clear on her face, she understood what I was rambling on about, "It's not tonight, Jacob," she whispered. At least I could sleep tonight knowing her heart still beats.
"Oh," I said, trying not to sound too relieved by that, "Oh" I said again, "When?" I asked
"I don't know for sure. A week or two, maybe."
How could she talk about it this way. Does Bella not understand what she's doing. She's literally giving up her life. She won't be herself anymore. "What's the holdup?" I asked and I knew that I sounded too harsh.
"I just didn't want to spend my honeymoon writhing in pain,"
Please, Bella. Are you trying to kill me? I didn't want to think about her writhing in pain, "You'd rather spend it how? Playing checkers? Ha ha."
"Very funny," she rolled her eyes
"Kidding, Bells. But honestly, I don't see the point. You can't have a real honeymoon with your vampire, so why go through the motions? Call a spade a spade. This isn't the first time you've put this off. That's a good thing, though. Don't be embarrassed about it."
"I'm not putting anything off," she snapped, "And yes I can have a real honeymoon! I can do anything I want! Butt out!"
I stopped moving her around and took a step back, I must have misheard her. She looked like she'd regretted telling me what she just said. "What? What did you say?" I asked her, I had to be sure, my head was feeding me lies, it had to be. She couldn't be serious
"About what…? Jake? What's wrong?"
"What do you mean? Have a real honeymoon? While you're still human? Are you kidding? That's a sick joke, Bella!"
She gave me the coldest look. She was deadly serious. What was with this girl? Did she seriously want to die that badly? "I said butt out, Jake. This is so not your business. I shouldn't have… we shouldn't even be talking about this. It's private –" Before I realized what I was doing I grabbed the top of her arms, gripped them tightly, "Ow, Jake! Let go!" I didn't even hear her cry out in pain, I was so angry my vision had blurred I shook her, hoping that somehow it would shake some sense into her.
"Bella! Have you lost your mind? You can't be that stupid! Tell me you're joking!" I tried to calm myself but I was gone. The vibrations were running through my body. I had to get a grip of myself. Bella was stood in front of me, if I hurt her I'd never forgive myself, but I couldn't get hold of myself. I was still tightly gripping her.
"Jake – stop!" I heard her mumble
"Take your hands off her!" Edward growled at me.
"Jake, bro, back away. You're loosing it," I hadn't realized Seth was there too. I was too busy trying not to kill Edward, the tiniest voice at the back of my head was reminding me to think about Bella. It was the only reason I hadn't lunged for him yet. How could he let her get away with so much, he must know what he could do to her if they… Oh I didn't want to think about it. He could crush her, shatter her bones. Oh Jake stop. It was bad enough to think about them in that way when they're both stone monsters. But to have sex with Bella while she was human! What was he thinking? He could kill her. And it'll be too late for the venom to work it's little 'miracle' then.
"You'll hurt her," Seth whispered, "Let her go,"
"Now!" Edward snarled
I blinked and looked at Bella, I was already hurting her. I let my arms fall to my sides and Edward pulled Bella away from me, his hands replacing where mine just were.
"C'mon, Jake. Let's go." Seth tried to tug me away but my eyes were fixed on Edward. All sense now gone from my head except for the fact that Bella was still in his hold, I've never felt anger like this before. If Bella wasn't in my way I'd be tearing him to little pieces and Cullen knew that, it's why he was using his wife as a shield. "I'll kill you," I barely recognized my own voice, "I'll kill you myself! I'll do it now!" again vibrations racked through my body but then Sam growled, and Seth was still tugging at me.
"Seth, get out of the way," Edward hissed. That right, mind reader, you can hear how deadly serious this is. You and me. Right now!
Seth actually managed to pull me back a bit, "Don't do it, Jake. Walk away. C'mon," Sam appeared in front of me and started pushing my chest with his head. Both of them managed to pull me out of there before I did something stupid. I was annoyed and relieved at the same time. I didn't want to do anything that would hurt Bella, and that included killing her precious husband. But I wanted him dead. I want to wipe that smug smile off his face.
"Jacob, cool it," Sam warned, I had been so angry, I hadn't noticed he'd changed back to human form, "Go home, Jake, straight home and stay there until you've calmed down." he ordered me. "You are not to hurt the Cullen's," Quil was stood at my side wearing an expression that could only be described at pity. My eyes met Sam's and for a second I wanted to challenge him and resist the order and go back to that party and rip every stinking vampire apart. If anyone could challenge Sam and win, it would be me. But what use would it do? Bella was gone now. How could Edward say he loved her when he was going to kill her?
Finally, somehow, I managed to calm myself down to the point where I wasn't shaking anymore and I walked away back towards La Push. Great job. I managed to do the opposite of everything I came back to do. I'd hurt and upset Bella. I was lucky that I didn't shred her to pieces back there. I've lost her forever now. I'll never be able to take back what I said. Even though I meant every word of it I didn't want Bella to hurt.
I could hear Quil following at a distance behind me, he jogged quickly to catch up until he was walking at my side
"Are you going to be okay, Jake?" he asked
"Who cares," I muttered
"I care," he said firmly, "Embry, your dad. The rest of the pack. Don't shut us out Jacob. Bella's made her choice."
I stood still and took a deep breath to stop myself shaking again, because this time I wasn't sure if I would be able to stop, "Quil, leave me alone,"
"Sure," he said, "Just, please don't take off on us again. You really had us worried." He ran off in the opposite direction leaving me alone with my misery.