"Nell Wilson! What do you think you're doing?" Hilda exclaimed in scandalised tones as she walked into their sitting-room the next evening.
"Well, I thought I was having an enjoyable read, but judging by your voice I must actually be committing murder!" Nell retorted, lowering her copy of 'Hercule Poirot's Christmas' to give Hilda an amused look from where she lay on the couch.
"You'll ruin your eyesight reading while lying down like that," Hilda scolded, returning Nell's look with the frown that made naughty Middles quake.
"If I did it every day, maybe. But I'm hardly going to lose my sight from reading lying down for ten minutes," Nell protested, glaring back at her.
"All I can say is, when the doctor tells you you need glasses don't complain to me!" Hilda answered sternly. "Now, would you like a cup of tea?" she continued in a more conciliatory manner.
"Haven't we got anything stronger?" Nell asked, as she swung herself into a sitting position. "We can't have finished it all off last night, surely."
"A nice state we'd have been in if we had," Hilda replied, casting a quick glance at Nell at the mention of the previous evening. Nell caught it, and smiled at her reassuringly before rising to prepare their drinks.
Returning to her seat, she said lightly, "You know, Hilda, I've been thinking today, and I've come to the conclusion that I've been what the Middles would call an utter beast."
"And why are you abusing yourself and the English language so?" Hilda asked drily.
"It's something you said last night," Nell replied. "You said you knew what a broken heart was, and... you don't have to tell me, of course, but if you want to talk about it, I'll listen."
Nell had watched Hilda's face intently as she spoke, and seen both the initial surprise at her question and the sadness which followed it. She hoped fervently Hilda would overcome her reserve and talk about it; she wanted to share her friend's pain, lightening the burden, as Hilda had done for her the night before.
Hilda bit her lip, hesitating. At the time, she'd barely noticed what she'd admitted, she was so focussed on getting Nell to talk to her. It wasn't till now that the realisation hit her, and she was unsure what to do. Would it hurt or help Nell to hear her story? Would it hurt or help her to tell it? Finally, she made up her mind. Nell had trusted her enough to tell her of her heartbreak, she could hardly do less than repay that trust. Besides, she wanted to tell her, wanted Nell to know, to understand.
"Her name was Vivien," she began deliberately.
Nell's eyes widened slightly, but she didn't seem nearly as surprised as Hilda had expected. Of course, Nell knew her so well. She must have guessed.
"How long have you known?" she asked.
"I've wondered for a while, though I didn't quite dare to ask you," Nell answered honestly. "You were so understanding about me and Con, it made me suspect."
"People who aren't... this way... can be understanding too," Hilda replied, but Nell shook her head.
"They can be accepting, but there's a difference. You didn't just accept it, you understood it."
"Semantics again," Hilda said with a soft smile. "I should probably start again at the beginning; I just wanted to make it clear from the start that she was a woman."
Nell nodded, understanding, and she started her tale.
"It began the year after I left university. I was at my first post, a big day school in York. I was thrilled with it - I liked the school, and I was proud to be so independent; but at the same time, I was lonely, since I didn't really know anyone in the city. Some of the Staff took pity on me, and introduced me to their friends, but I still felt rather an outsider. I'd joined the local library as soon as I arrived -"
"Naturally," Nell interjected with a wicked grin.
"I couldn't possibly have bought all the books I wanted to read," Hilda retorted, smiling back.
"Not if you wanted to eat, no! Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you. Go on!" There was no real apology in her voice, though. She had meant to interrupt Hilda, teasing her gently to lighten the mood and make it easier for her to tell her story.
"It was at the library that I first met Vivien. We were browsing the same shelves... I think I fell for her the moment I saw her. I felt too shy to speak to her, but Vivien didn't know what shyness was. She started talking to me about the books we were looking at, and before I knew where I was she'd invited me to a tea room. We must have talked for hours, and by the end of it I was completely infatuated with her." She looked at Nell, blushing slightly. "I suppose you must think me very silly to fall so badly for someone I'd just met!"
"Not in the least!" Nell exclaimed. "You were young, and lonely, and she was friendly. Heaven knows I formed violent crushes on people with far less reason when I was that age!"
Hilda regarded her curiously, trying to imagine what her friend would have been like then. Noticing the look and interpreting it correctly, Nell added, "I'll tell you about them some day if you like, not that there's much to tell in most cases. I won't interrupt your story with it now - unless you want to stop?" she asked anxiously.
Hilda shook her head. "Now I've started, I'd like to go on. As I said, I fell for her completely. I spent the next few days making excuses to go to the library all the time, hoping to find her - don't ask why I hadn't got her address the first time! I was so flustered, and so busy trying to pretend I wasn't, that I never even thought of it."
She grimaced at her younger self's foolishness, and Nell smiled sympathetically. She'd done that herself, been so caught up in the excitement of the moment she'd completely forgotten about little things like contact details.
"But when I got near the place," Hilda continued, "I'd slow down because I was suddenly terrified that she wouldn't remember me, or wouldn't be interested in being my friend... I didn't dare even think about the possibility of being more than friends, or I'd have run home in wild panic and never gone past my front door again! From the books we'd been discussing at our first meeting, I did suspect she might like women, but I didn't have the nerve to think she might like me specifically. I was hovering in front of the library on the third day, trying to work up enough courage to go in, when Vivien came out. She took one look at me - I must have looked completely frozen, for it was a horrible day - and insisted I go to her house and have a cup of tea. When we got there... well, she made it very clear she was interested in me."
She stopped there, blushing again, and Nell bit back a grin. From the colour Hilda had gone, she felt she could make a good guess at just how Vivien had made her interest clear. She didn't say anything, though. Hilda was embarrassed enough as it was; if Nell spoke now, it would be too much for her. So she stayed silent, and after a little while Hilda resumed the tale.
"You know I hate clichés, Nell, but I really did feel like I was walking on air then. I was so happy... I wanted to tell everyone I knew, but I couldn't, of course. The only person I told was my best friend from school, Carrie. She wasn't... like me... but she knew, and she understood it - or accepted it, since you're so picky." She flashed Nell a sudden smile before continuing. "Some of Vivien's friends knew, but they were Vivien's friends, not mine. They overawed me, and I was never really comfortable around them."
"I can't imagine you being overawed by anyone," Nell said thoughtfully.
"I was then! Vivien moved in rather higher circles than a young teacher normally would, which wouldn't have mattered by itself, but they were all older than me, and far more confident... I used to feel horribly self-conscious around them, though they did try to include me. Then, about five months later, Carrie moved to York. Of course, I insisted she meet Vivien at once. I thought she'd be happy for me, and she was, but she was - cautious, is the best way to describe it. At least, she wanted me to be cautious, to not give my heart to Vivien so completely. I was furious, and we quarreled, but Carrie made it up the next day. She hated arguments. I was still a little angry, but I agreed to let it go. I suppose you can guess that she turned out to be quite right in the end?" Hilda couldn't quite keep the bitterness out of her tone as she said that. She'd thought that this was part of her past, could no longer hurt her, but telling the story for the first time made her realise how much pain was still wound up in it.
"I was hoping she wouldn't be," Nell replied sadly. "What happened?"
"We were together for nearly a year. Looking back, I can see the signs I missed then, that Vivien was beginning to tire of the relationship. At the time, though, I was oblivious. I was so utterly in love with her that I couldn't begin to imagine things ending between us... I think, deep down, I realised her feelings weren't the same, but I thought if I loved her enough I could change them." Hilda blinked fiercely, pushing back the tears. She refused to cry over this. "One Thursday, I finished early at school; another teacher had called in sick, so my classes had been moved up. I thought I'd surprise Vivien, so I hurried to her house... Well, I surprised her all right."
"She wasn't..." Nell began, dreading the thought of what she was horribly sure was coming next.
"Yes. She was with another woman." Hilda could keep the tears back no longer, and they rolled down her cheeks.
Jumping up, Nell perched herself on the arm of Hilda's chair and hugged her.
"Oh, Hilda, I'm so sorry," she murmured.
Taking out her handkerchief, Hilda determinedly dried her face. "I'm all right, really. It was a long time ago," she said, patting Nell's arm.
Nell squeezed her shoulder gently and released her, but remained where she was. "What did you do?" she demanded. "I'd have flown at her!"
"I really thought I was going to be sick, so I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. Eventually, I heard the front door slam, and Vivien came to talk to me. I can't tell you what she said..."
"It's private, I understand," Nell replied, but Hilda shook her head.
"It's not that, really... it just... hurts too much."
She could barely stand even to remember that last argument. 'I'm sorry you found out like this, but you must have seen we weren't going anywhere'... 'We had fun, but it's been over for a while now'... 'Don't be such a goose about it, it isn't as if we were really serious'... Vivien's words echoed in her head, and she felt the tears begin again. She'd been so much in love; to discover how little she had really meant to Vivien had broken her heart. Even now, years later, it still hurt.
Shoving the memories away, Hilda wiped her eyes again and looked at Nell, who was hugging her tightly.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go on like this..."
"Cry as much as you need, and don't you dare apologise," Nell said fiercely. "If anyone should be saying sorry, it's me, for making you talk about it."
"You didn't make me talk, you daft woman. I chose to tell you. Shall I go on?" she asked.
"Only if you want to," Nell answered, looking at her seriously.
"There's not much more to tell, really. Eventually I stormed off home... that night was enough to make me realise I couldn't deal with it alone. I have no idea how I managed to teach the next day, but I got through it somehow. The moment I was done with school, I went to see Carrie." She smiled slightly, remembering how kind her friend had been. "She insisted I stay with her that weekend, though I wasn't exactly an amusing guest; I must have spent quite half the time just crying on her shoulder. She was kindness itself, and never once said 'I told you so', though honestly I deserved it."
"No one would say it!" Nell retorted. "I'm glad you had her with you. But how could she do that to you?"
"How could who do what, Nell?" Hilda asked, her voice not quite as light as she wanted it.
"Must you criticise my English even now, Hilda?" Nell complained. "You know perfectly well who I mean! That - that - viper!" Utterly furious on her friend's behalf, she began raining insults upon Vivien until Hilda stopped her.
"Nell! That's enough!" she exclaimed. "I value the sentiment," she continued more softly, "but I was afraid you might never stop."
"I could go on for a while longer," Nell admitted. "How could she hurt you so?"
"I don't think she meant to," Hilda replied fairly. "She didn't realise how much I cared for her, and how badly I would be hurt."
"Only you, Hilda, would defend her," Nell said, shaking her head in wonder.
"I loved her," Hilda replied simply. "That doesn't just vanish." She paused for a few seconds, remembering, then went on. "I didn't want to stay in York after that, so I started looking for other posts. When I saw Madge's advert it seemed like a dream come true. I applied for the place... and the rest you know."
"She didn't deserve you," Nell told her, her voice still full of anger.
Hilda sighed reminiscently. "Carrie said the same thing."
"Good for Carrie! I like the sound of her," Nell said decisively.
Hilda smiled up at her. "I think you would like each other if you met. If she ever comes back to England I'll introduce you; she moved to South America when she married, and I haven't seen her since, though we've kept in touch."
"You must miss her."
"I do... but I found another fine friend in Tirol," Hilda replied, looking at her meaningfully, and Nell went red. "It was a good place to heal," she added thoughtfully, before Nell could say anything.
Nell nearly jumped with the surprise of how close that came to her own thoughts. She had been wondering how many of the Staff had been escaping grief when they came to Austria. Herself, after her parents' death... Hilda, after her heartbreak... were there others? Perhaps.
"It was," she answered softly. "But Hilda, I've not been half as good a friend to you as you've been to me."
"That I won't agree to! You're a wonderful friend, and I couldn't ask for better. I couldn't have told you all this if you weren't."
"Did it help? Talking about it?" Nell asked.
Hilda nodded slowly. "I hadn't talked about it since it happened, but I can see now how much I needed to. Thank you for asking, and for listening." She pressed Nell's hands affectionately. "Now, shall we talk about something happier? We're leaving tomorrow, and I've heard almost nothing about your holiday plans..."
Examining her friend's expression, Nell followed the lead to change the subject, realising that it was what Hilda needed now. They passed what was left of the evening in quiet conversation, and bid each other farewell cheerfully enough the next morning.
Though sharing the stories of their heartbreak had helped them, there were still many lonely, tear-filled nights awaiting Nell during the holidays ahead, many moments of pain for Hilda as she finally laid the ghosts of her past relationship to rest. But through it all, both found strength and solace in the memory of those two evenings, in the happiness of having found such a friend.