K-chan - I am getting your reviews just fine. Thank you for your support! This update is for you.
A/N - Thank you for all the positive support for this story so far. Hopefully it will be a fun journey to take together. Feel free to share any ideas, comments, etc. :) I am trying hard to keep the boys in character, while leaving room for them to grow up as time passes, because, well most of us change as we grow in one way or another. If any character feels to ooc, please let me know.
Disclaimer - I am not the brain behind the creation of Gundam Wing, just a life-long fan of these beautiful and complicated pilots.
Chapter 2
"What the hell. . . Ahhhh. . . is going on?!" Duo tried to yell indignantly, but his rant was cut through by a loud yawn.
Out of breath, Trowa slid down the front door, clutching his chest. Seeing his love was in pain, Quatre ran the last few steps of the stairs and arrived at Trowa's side.
"Trowa" Quatre said urgently, "is it bad?"
Trowa shook his head, still fighting to put air into the lungs Heero had slammed air out of.
"Who attacked you, Trowa? Was there a break in? Are they still in the house?" Duo demanded. Duo's questions were echoed by Wufei, albeit in a less direct manner.
Quatre glared momentarily at the braided boy and then said, "Everyone be quiet. I will explain what I know, and once Trowa has caught his breath he can finish."
"I'm *weeze* fine, Quatre" Trowa forced out, his breathing starting to become more regular.
Quatre stroked Trowa's hand affectionately and then reminded the others of his growing concern for Heero's well being, and how the culminated in Quatre waking up tonight feeling Heero in some kind of great pain, some sort of strong self-loathing.
"I went to Heero's room to check on him after Quatre explained what he was feeling" Trowa cut in. "When I opened the door Heero was punching his wall and didn't appear to realize I was there. He punched it a few more times and then stopped, and looked down at his hand, which was bleeding after hitting the wall. The hole in the wall is. . . large. . . so it stands to reason that he had punched it many times. When Heero stopped I think he heard my foot-steps, because he turned around to face me. He looked both ashamed and relieved, but he slipped on a mask of anger as soon as he saw me." Trowa paused for air, and then continued to explain how he had tried to get Heero to talk to him, and how Heero and misunderstood Trowa's words, packed up, and left on his motorcycle.
The story sounded so out of character for the calm and collected Heero, that Trowa's audience was stunned into silence for a moment.
"I don't think he misunderstood you, Trowa" Quatre said thoughtfully. "I think Heero was looking for any excuse to leave. You caught him in a moment of weakness we never imagined him having. I don't think he took being caught well."
"I didn't think that guy had any weaknesses" Wufei admitted, honor for Heero plain in his voice.
"With the intensity of his self-loathing that I felt tonight, I am afraid that Heero might have agreed with you for once. I imaging that finding out his weaknesses now probably hasn't gone very well for him."
Duo slid to the floor with a loud thump. "Well I'll be damned. I feel so ashamed. I figured Heero was just being he ever charming and social self. I never thought to wonder if he was okay keeping to himself so much."
Wufei leaned against the wall with his eyes closed. "I see it now – Heero stripped of his missions would be like when I lost sight of my sense of justice."
"Or when I lost my faith in us gundams being able to make a difference" Duo added, thinking of the time he spent with Hilde on the scrape yard, sure space was lost to Oz for good.
"When I lost my memory" Trowa whispered.
"When I lost my father" Quatre finished, leaving the room still. Each ex-pilot was lost in thought and the realization that the loss of purpose they had each experienced during the war, Heero was experiencing now that there are no wars to be fought.
"I don't think the matter is as simple as giving Heero a new purpose" Trowa voiced. "When I lost my memory I went back to the circus, and though I had a purpose there, I still had the feeling that the purpose I found was a stand in for something I had lost".
"But wouldn't the preventer's missions provide that stability of purpose that the war did for Heero?" Wufei asked, pointing out the gaping hole in their argument.
"Yes, it would" said Quatre distractedly, "unless. . . "
The other ex-pilots waited with variably degrees of patience for Quatre to finish his thought, all convinced Quatre was on to something.
"Unless. . . " Quatre repeated, and then his thoughtful expression fell, replaced with one of fear, "unless the perceived weakness Heero has found in himself interferes with his ability to complete missions."
"Or let past missions lie" Trowa finished.
"PTSD?" Duo asked, disbelieving.
"Maybe that's part of it" Quatre replied.
"I think we should call Sally" Wufei responded.
"We need to find Heero!" Duo said impatiently, making as if to get his coat for the closet.
"And what would we do if we did find him right now, Duo?" Trowa threw back. "He obviously doesn't want to talk about it to us. If we don't get more information about how to help Heero, we will waste our one chance to talk to him once we find him."
"DAMN IT!" Duo yelled, which everyone in the room knew to be his version of 'yea, you are right'.
Heero blinked his eyes in momentary confusion. He had intentionally not slept during the last week since he left Quatre's. He wanted to avoid dreaming at all costs, though he couldn't help but sense the childishness of his own actions. However, in the last few days there were spans of time he could not account for. He could only conclude that he was blacking out from lack of sleep and food.
Heero had not had a destination in mind when he left Quatre's, and had ended up settling in a forest only a valley away. He knew he should leave earth, but such an endeavor would take more of a presence of mind than he could currently give to the task. This fact, more than anything else, propelled Heero out of his lethargy and into action. Mission accepted - get food and means to get off the earth and go into space under false identification.
Returning to the other pilots and facing their opinions of him after his disgrace never crossed Heero's mind as an option. Through this uncharted battle ground, he planned to forge on alone. He never imagined the others would understand, accept, or care about him after seeing such weakness.
Heero broke the small camp he had been living in for the past week with a fast burning vigor, kindled from his self-loathing, and the need to not be found out. He threw his duffle bag back on him motorcycle, revved the engine, and took the dirt path towards the nearest town and further from the other pilots.
"Damn it! Where the fuck is he!" Duo exclaimed, slamming Quatre's kitchen table in frustration.
"Fucking yelling about isn't going to solve anything, Maxwell!" Wufei yelled while glaring at the braided pilot.
"Of all times, now is an important one to keep a cool head" Trowa said calmly.
"Trowa is right" Quatre replied.
"I know, Q-man. I'm sorry. I just feel so useless. Heero needs us, and all I can do is sit here failing to find him" Duo said, his anger deflating into despair.
"Let's have a report of what we know so far" Quatre said, taking command of the room.
"Sure thing. No surveillance tapes belonging to the preventers or anywhere else on earth I could hack into have picked up Heero as himself or any disguise I could think of him using." Duo announced defeatedly.
"His name or any of the pseudonyms he has used before have come up in any data, internet message, financial transaction, or any other sort of electronic exchange." Trowa reported.
"All private, commercial, and preventer air craft are accounted for, both those capable of traveling to the colonies and those that are earthbound. Heero has not logged into the preventer data base, sent any messages to the office, or accessed any of his computer files there." Wufei added.
"He has not been seen traveling in space, entering or exiting a colony, or contacting any of our known acquaintance, though everyone has been informed to keep a look out for him. Miss Relena requested the opportunity to put Heero out as missing on public record and make a statement, but we discouraged her from doing so because drawing attention to Heero is obviously the last thing he wants. Miss Relena agreed to wait" Quatre said, finishing the summary of the pilot's search so far.
"So basically we know a whole lot of nothing" Duo sighed.
"Then I think it's time for some honesty" Sally said to no one in particular. "You boys have done as thorough a search as we would have done in the war, except you all have individually left out an important detail that changes everything. Forgive me for being the one to point this out, but since the war, all four of you have come to see me, in my capacity as a doctor, to discuss the struggles you have had adapting to post-war life. And by your own admission, all of you have chosen to keep this a secret from each other."
As if on cue, Trowa, Quatre, Duo, and Wufei all stared at the floor. Quatre's cheeks turned pink, Trowa's one visible green eye glistened, Duo felt a tightness in his chest, and Wufei cursed his love for that woman.
"I understood the strength of pride it took to be a gundam pilot, and the pain it undoubtably caused you to come talk to me. I also know that the only pilot who did not come to me was Heero. If I am right, he didn't talk to anyone. What would you do, each of you, if you were still living with your war demons all alone?"
Silence echoed around the room for several minutes. Finally Quatre spoke, "I thought I was the only one, that I struggled because I was the weakest among the pilots. If that is how I felt then Heero. . . I was a coward to not come forward. If I chose to be more brave, Heero might have known he was not alone."
Sensing Quatre was finished Trowa moved forward and enveloped him into a hug, and whispered, "Little One, if you were any more brave, your gundam would have had to be a lion. Faced with the truth, you were the first to speak up. I have so much to learn from you."
"We'll find him, Q-man" Duo said, coming and putting a hand on Quatre's shoulder. "We owe him that, and a lot more."
Sally walked over to her still stunned boyfriend and took his hand, showing the presence of mind and strength Wufei had learned to love so much about her. "That guy built himself into someone unbreakable, and convinced me right along with himself that it was true" Wufei said, gaze fixed upon the floor.
Sally squeezed Wufei's hand, reminding herself that this moment was not the time for tears. "I think we helped build Heero into the hero that we needed. Now I think it is up to us to show Heero he is human, and that being human is okay."