I leaned against a tree and stared at Bella. I tried hard not to show the pain behind the marble, stone-cold face I had put on for her sake.
"Okay, let's talk," she said in an anxious but brave and strikingly solid tone. I took a deep breath. Didn't she understand something was wrong?
"Bella, we're leaving," I said. It hurt more than I let on. It was a hard decision to come to in the first place – saying it just made it even more horrible. She took a deep breath as well, and I started to wonder what went through her head. How I wished I knew.
"Why now? Another year –" I felt tears creeping up on me, and it was so difficult to keep a straight face. Did she know I was wearing a mask just then?
"Bella, it's time. How long could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."
Bella was clearly confused by what I had said. Poor soul hadn't understood I had no intention of her tagging along. She stared at me, and abruptly, and epiphany appeared on her face. I kept glaring at her with cold eyes and pursed lips.
"When you say we –" she said in a gloomy tone.
"I mean my family and myself." My voice was cold and I could not recognize my own tone. I felt no pleasure in saying anything leading to my permanent absence. I wanted to push her into my arms and tell her everything was a mistake. I would get to keep her. But decisions had been made, and Carlisle had already taken the family with him.
In the tiny slot of minutes where Bella didn't speak a word, but simply shook her head in a stale motion, I could have hugged her. My stance was still, though. I had to keep still, I may have fallen to my knees and ask forgiveness at any moment if I'd moved an inch. It was not safe for me to be here with her, and I could not be selfish around her. It could hurt her more than my absence would ever.
It seemed as though years had passed by in my head when she finally spoke.
"Okay. I'll come with you." Didn't she understand I endangered her?
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going… it's not the right place for you."
"Where you are is the right place for me." Ignorance! My temper was unnoticeably rising by the second. I couldn't stay.
"I'm no good for you, Bella."
"Don't be ridiculous," she plead, making my tears push harder, but not one could reach my eye. "You're the very best part of my life."
She was so wrong it pained me even more to be so grim with her.
"My world is not for you," I said, begging my feelings not to burst.
"What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"
"You're right," I said monotonically. "It was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised! In Phoenix you promised that you would stay –" Bella's voice turned desperate and needy, and I had a quick urge to correct her.
"As long as that was best for you," I interrupted. Her eyebrows pulled together in a cluster between each other and I realized she was frustrated.
"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" she shouted angrily, but it still sounded needy. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward! I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you – it's yours already!"
I took a deep breath and silently – so very silently, Bella could not hear it – sighed under my breath and glared at the ground with a blank stare. I stared for a long while, trying to concentrate on getting away from Bella before I endangered her any further. My lip twisted slightly at the thought of Bella being hurt. Did she see it?
When I looked up, I made sure my eyes were nowhere close to friendly.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." False… I wanted her to come with me more than anything in the world – for us to spend the rest of her life together. I made sure to speak the words clearly, seeming more intense and convincing I did not want to.
It was very difficult to lie to her, though, and for a moment, I thought I could see a glimpse of disbelief in her eyes.
"You… don't… want… me?" She spoke in a broken tone, and the words came out sounding life-threatening, as if she would not survive without me. How I wished she knew how wrong she was!
"No," I said, my mind twisting in every possible way, trying to make me take it all back. But this time, there would be control. This time, there would be no mind over matter – I would contain my feelings as best possible.
I felt for a moment, Bella saw my self-disgust at the words I'd spoken, but I soon realized she did only not quite understand what they meant.
I stared at her blankly, still trying to hold back wicked tears and trying to keep my stance as still as possible not to fall in front of Bella.
"Well, that changes things," she said, so calmly a tiny piece of me broke. I had to look away, deep into the forest and concentrate on the sound of a tiny woodpecker not to let every piece of me break.
"Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human," I said, finally staring back at the perfection before me, but, luckily, keeping my emotions in check. "I've let this go on for much too long, and I'm sorry for that." I was surprised at how well I held any type of activity except for speech at a minimum.
"Don't," she whispered in a voice that made it sound more like a whimper. "Don't do this." I stared at her, speechless at how my leaving had affected her. But it was too late to do anything about, and staying would make her life miserable.
"You're not good for me, Bella." I made sure she wouldn't have a reasonable answer, and turned what I'd said before around. It was not true, but it would make her silent, and the longer she was silent, the longer I had to turn my shaky back on her.
Bella was ready to say something, but stopped her self in the motion. I could have left just then, but something told me I would need to stay longer to make sure she wouldn't try to find me – convince her to not do anything irresponsible.
She opened her mouth again – this time, to speak.
"If… that's what you want." I nodded impatiently. Even the nod felt like a devastating, filthy lie.
Bella abruptly stiffened and seemed as though she could barely stay on her feet. I opened for my goodbye-speech – the plea for her to be careful:
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." A sudden change in her expression startled me, and I had no time to identify it before I had to focus on getting my own expression blank and unreadable.
"Anything," she said in a brave voice. It still sounded like a slight whimper, though. My mask fell hopefully unnoticeably, and keeping incomprehensible would not last long if I didn't hurry my words.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered in a tone sounding like a pitiful plea. I had to make myself seem stronger, and I straightened my posture. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" I said quickly to avoid an emotional breakdown. I felt hopeless.
Bella nodded weakly at my words.
I tried hard to make myself look more careless and blank, and from Bella's expression, I had done well. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him." I'd never felt such a pain like the one felt telling Bella lie upon lie. "For him," was not what I was aiming for. I wanted her to take care of herself so I wouldn't have to be worried about protecting her. But selfishness would give her sorrow.
Bella nodded. "I will." Something about her voice made the words still sound like a whimper – a plea.
I relaxed at the thought of her promising me her good health. I wasn't very relaxed, though, I was sure she would get into some kind of trouble.
"And I'll make you a promise in return," I said not to let my mind wander too far. "I promise that this will be the last time you see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." I was going to break into pieces at any moment. I couldn't hold my tears, my pain, and my will to… drink Bella's sweet, honey-tasting blood… This was for the best.
Bella's knees started to shake just a tiny bit, and the wondrous smell of her blood flushed behind her ears. I smiled slightly at the beautiful aroma. I shook my head invisibly and got back on track.
"Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
"And your memories?" Bella's voice was broken into tiny little pieces of dust, and it sounded like she couldn't say one more word without coughing up a hairball – how cute.