Personal Log

by

grenouille

Disclaimer: Sadly, all rights to this universe are the property of Paramount and, presumably, Gene's and Majel's estates. Oh yeah, and all of the many other industries who have benefitted from Star Trek. May The Great Bird of the Galaxy forgive me for beaming into his world and corrupting his characters.

A/N: I'd like to thank my good friend, Vern (aka Herman Tumbleweed), for all his efforts into knocking my Federation Standard into shape. Without said help, this would be much less readable. Don't forget to go look and see where his mind has wandered off to, as well.

Beta note: Looking to see where my mind has wandered off to can be hazardous to your health, and, according to my betas, damaging to keyboard and other peripherals.

The First Officer

A tall, slender, pointed-eared man entered his quarters and sighed deeply as he relaxed into an odd-looking chair. He closed his dark eyes to the unusual light and hot, dry air that reflected the conditions on his native planet – a planet that no longer existed due to an insane Romulan's obsession with revenge – and attempted his daily meditation.

After several minutes, Spock sighed again: the only outward sign of the turbulent emotions that were still bubbling uncomfortably close to the surface since the death of his mother and the destruction of his home planet, Vulcan, by Nero. It was pointless to continue his meditations tonight as there was still far too much on his mind. Accepting this, he moved to his desk to perform his few remaining duties for the day.

Activating his computer console, he began, "Computer; begin recording. First Officer's Log, Stardate 2258.72. The debriefing sessions regarding our shakedown cruise were finally completed this evening. Whereas there were some few minor recommendations for possible improvement; Starfleet Command indicated their overall satisfaction with the crew's performance, as well as that of the ship, itself. We have been cleared for regular duty and will be receiving our orders in approximately one week. In the meantime, the entire crew has been granted that week as shore leave. Computer; end recording."

Spock steepled his fingers in front of his face and closed his eyes in preparation for his next entry – one that he failed to see the relevance of. Opening his eyes and dropping his hands, he stood and walked to the food synthesizer. After punching a few buttons, he returned to his desk with a steaming cup of Vulcan spice tea.

"Computer;" he again addressed the console, "begin recording. First Officer's Personal Log, Stardate 2258.72. As usual, I am amazed at the bureaucracy involved in Starfleet Operations. Even though I know empirically it is not true; subjectively, it seemed that the resulting debriefing sessions took more time than did the mission itself.

"I find it odd that a race that is so illogical and impulsive finds it necessary to overanalyze every possible detail of a mission that, in the grand scheme of things, was of no real significance. Of course, I must admit to myself that my own logic is still somewhat uncertain as a result of the events stemming from Nero's incursion into our time." Spock paused to take a deep drink of the fragrant tea.

"Nero. I continue to find myself filled with rage at the thought of his actions – a rage that I am still struggling to control. I am grateful to my older counterpart for his assistance and his intervention in my life. His willingness to share his thoughts surprised me, but it was helpful and very revealing. He has experienced much of the same turmoil throughout his life and has managed to reach a seeming equilibrium between his logic and his emotions. I will strive to reach that same balance as it seems, for me – and him, of course – that it would be the healthier alternative as we are the product of two very dissimilar worlds.

"His thoughts were quite enlightening. In reviewing those parts of his life that he was willing to share, I can understand why he encouraged me to remain in Starfleet. He has lived an eventful and most fulfilling life in spite of the various traumas he has suffered. Although I occasionally still have doubts, I believe that I have made the correct decision.

"I was especially honored that he also chose to share many of his feelings with me as it is something that is simply not done among Vulcans; at least not with those who are not intimately related. But then, I must remember that he and I are essentially the same being and, therefore, cannot possibly be more intimately related. That must be why I was as open with my own thoughts and feelings in return as my mind obviously recognized the connection.

"Even though it must be true, as the mind-meld, by its very nature, precludes the possibility of prevarication, I find it difficult to fathom the relationships that developed between my counterpart and the counterparts of Kirk and McCoy from his time. Granted, they are different people due to the unique experiences in their lives, yet my counterpart is confident that these same bonds of respect and friendship not only can be formed, but necessarily must be formed. I do not comprehend the necessity, but I will accept his assurances and wait and see what occurs.

"After all, it would not be logical to argue with oneself.

"On reflection, I can see a possible… camaraderie forming with Dr. McCoy. He is an intelligent and knowledgeable human – virtually unsurpassed in his field – in spite of his various minor bigotries and overt displays of impulsive and excessive emotionalism. My counterpart had an intriguing relationship with the doctor which makes me wonder just why he considered him a friend at all. However, I suspect that this is one of those times where the Old Earth adage, 'You had to have been there' applies.

"I find it curious that our current command crew mirrors the one that eventually formed on that other Enterprise – albeit several years later. Spock holds them all in the highest regard and, in most cases, I can understand why. They are an extremely talented group of individuals and I am pleased to have them as my shipmates. I am confident that this crew will be successful at whatever Starfleet requires of us. Computer; pause recording."

The young Vulcan officer paused to collect his thoughts while drinking more of his tea. It was occasionally difficult to separate the elder Spock's memories and feelings from his own and he, from time to time, wondered if Kirk was experiencing the same difficulties. As the Terran had most likely had no experience with Vulcan mind techniques, it was likely he'd need assistance in dealing with the disparate set of memories that would have invaded his subconscious. Of course, Spock had the additional difficulties of these memories being, in an odd way, his own memories from a different time. The vagaries of temporal dynamics were too complicated even for Vulcans to fully comprehend as they were particularly chaotic in nature. "It seems," he thought, "as if we were all fated to be together." Spock mentally berated himself for thinking such foolishness. Philosophers on nearly every inhabited planet had debated the existence of such deities as Fate, yet there was still no corroborating evidence to support their existence.

Of course, there was also none to refute it, either.

With a deep sense of resignation, Spock continued his log entry, "Computer; resume recording. I am at a complete loss as to what to think of James Kirk. He is quite intelligent and creative in his solutions to the various challenges we faced, yet his brash disregard for anything even remotely related to common sense is quite disturbing. However, these very qualities that the elder Spock thought so highly of seem to manifest themselves differently; logically due to the differences in his childhood.

"I have to admit that his final solution to the Nero problem was successful and, in a personal way, eminently satisfying. I was impressed that he was willing to show compassion at the end when few, myself included, would be so inclined. Perhaps there is hope for him after all.

"Also, it may be wise to inquire if he has had any difficulties as a result of his mind-meld with the other Spock. It may be that we can assist each other if that is the case; feasibly leading to a greater understanding of each other in the process. That is something that would most likely lead to a greater efficiency in the ship's performance and possibly to whatever friendship that Spock is so certain of. However, I feel that I should remind him that many species – Vulcans especially - find his need for physical contact most uncomfortable.

"It's curious that I find myself so drawn to discovering these friendships. I wonder if it's due to the meld or something deep within my Human half?

"It's also curious that in spite of the equal respect he had for the rest of our command group, Spock did not have the same feelings for them as he did with Kirk and McCoy, although he trusted them all implicitly. Montgomery Scott is, and was in the other time stream, an amazingly knowledgeable and creative engineer. The uproar that he caused in the Engineering Group over his proposed changes to the Enterprise's specifications has had repercussions all the way back to the original design team, causing them to rethink ship designs completely. The fact that he made those changes without the appropriate authorization should have been a mark against him, but that was, seemingly, offset by the remarkably effective nature of the changes. I suspect that he will get on well with our Captain.

"Much the same could be said of Hikaru Sulu and Pavel Chekov. Other than his error in forgetting to deactivate the external inertial dampeners before going to warp, Sulu's piloting of the Enterprise through the wreckage at Vulcan was extraordinary. Chekov seems to have an intuitive ability to analyze and adapt to a crisis with an ease that should be well beyond his youth. His rapid and ingenious adaptation of Transporter formulas in order to beam Kirk and Sulu back to the ship while they were in free-fall was exceptional as was his tactical analysis which led us to our successful confrontation with the Narada."

He paused and let out another long-suffering sigh.

"Vulcan. I am once again reminded that my home no longer exists and I am a member of an endangered species. I… I feel for the other Spock as he not only had to witness the destruction, but was blamed for it by Nero. I cannot fathom how he can remain so… so Vulcan through it all. I now have a greater understanding of why our race embraced the teachings of Surak so long ago as there is a part of me that still wants to perform unthinkable acts even though the guilty parties no longer live. What is especially painful is that I suspect Mother would have approved of my counterpart's blending of emotion and logic – taking the best of both. I think that she would also have approved of my intent to reach that same balance.

"I do not know if Father has had any contact with the elder Spock and am not certain how that would progress. I suspect that they will interact to some extent, even if only as part of the establishment of the new colony.

"I also now more fully comprehend many of the things that Father tried to impart to me in my youth as a result of his admission of his love for Mother. His logic must be in a similar turmoil at this time and I am not certain how, or even if, I can be of any assistance to him. Perhaps he and the other Spock will find peace in the rebuilding of our race. I am… pleased… that he took the time to see me and pass along his satisfaction before he left to inspect the planet that Spock suggested. Hopefully, I will meet with him again before we start our mission. I realize just how Human that sounds, but I think that Mother would like it." He stopped and took a deep breath in an attempt to control the increasing turbulence of his emotions.

"For myself, I am appreciative of Nyota's presence in my life – especially through these times. She has been of great assistance in my efforts to regain emotional equilibrium. Her instinctual understanding of emotions and her overwhelming passion have quite often, of late, brought me back from an all-consuming rage which, unchecked, could have led to some rather destructive behavior on my part. She brings a comfort unknown to me since my early childhood and of a type that was previously only shown by Mother. I can now truly appreciate why Father, against Vulcan tradition, took a Human wife.

"I do, however, find it rather uncomfortable to attribute to Mother the same passions that I find so intriguing in Nyota. Nevertheless, I'm reasonably certain that, if they were in any way comparable, Father fully appreciated them. I have no doubt that my next pon farr will be much more comfortable and, quite possibly, even enjoyable.

"Perhaps, in this small way, traditional Vulcan isolationism is acting against itself. I am quite certain that my counterpart – and perhaps, if pressed, even Father – would agree with me."

The door chime rang softly, interrupting his thoughts. Spock pressed a button on his desk, opening the door, and glanced up to see a slender woman of Terran African descent enter the room. He briefly held a hand up for silence as he concluded with, "In one vital respect, this has all been a significant learning experience which has caused me to understand a great deal – mostly about myself. Computer; end recording."

As his hand lowered, she quickly crossed the room, flowed into his lap and kissed him long and ardently. His mind was split between simply enjoying the event and analyzing the sensations of her full lips pressing against his and the differences in the texture of their individual tongues as they battled for dominance.

Hers won – this time.

When they finally pulled apart, Nyota rubbed her head against the Vulcan's chest much like a cat would. Softly, she said in Vulcan, "I know that we were going to wait until we all left the ship tomorrow, but I felt that you needed me." The young xenolinguist tilted her head back and looked into his eyes, continuing in the same language, "Was I wrong?"

"No," he replied, equally as quietly. "These personal logs often have a disturbing effect on me. Thank you, Nyota."

"You know you don't ever need to thank me, Spock. I love you and that's reason enough."

"Yes, I know." To her surprise, he hugged her firmly in response. "In this case, however, I feel that it was beneficial. In reviewing all that has happened in the past several weeks – including how my emotions were affected – I have come to understand certain aspects of them more completely."

The young lieutenant's eyes widened in curiosity as her lover continued, "I can honestly, and with as complete an understanding as seems to be possible for me, say 'I love you, too.'"

Tears of joy fell swiftly down Uhura's cheeks at that admission. She stood and, taking his hand, drew him up, guiding him to the bunk in the far corner as she unfastened the sheer silk dress she'd put on before leaving her quarters to check on him, and let it drop to the deck. Placing her arms around his neck, she brought her lips back to his, whispering just as they were about to meet, "Show me…"