2. Decisions

I'm alone again.

The boy sank to his knees, he felt empty. He pulled out his cell phone, the present which Soubi had given to him. There was no flashing red light indicating a new message. Ritsuka stared at it, desperately hoping for it to ring; hoping for Soubi to call him, telling him that he was on his way back. Staring at it won't make it ring…Frowning, Ritsuka pressed the buttons for the speed dial, "…the number you have called is currently not available...," he dropped the phone, silent tears running down his cheeks. I will always pick up…he remembered his fighter's promise which had been broken so many times. But he should have known that Soubi's promises were worth nothing, especially now that he was with his beloved master again. He probably had new orders; taking care of Ritsuka had only been one of many, the command was finally accomplished. He had known this all along; he had even ordered Soubi to go with Seimei. Why was he so disappointed?
Seimei… why did he do this to him? What had happened to his loving brother? What had made him so cold hearted…? With Soubi his last connection to his older brother was gone. Everything was gone…

A loud knock on the door interrupted his train of thoughts. "Ritsuka, come downstairs, dinner is ready!" Startled, the boy sat upright, "I'm coming, mom!" He had tried to call loudly but his voice sounded hoarse, weak. He tried not to think about how his life continued from now on, he couldn't imagine it. Now he'd have to go downstairs and try to pick the right food; tonight he would have to go to bed; tomorrow he would have to go to school. As if nothing changed.
He sighed, wiped away the tears, put up a fake smile on his face erasing the evidence of the last painful hours.

He stared at the food, trying to remember what the old Ritsuka had liked. He didn't care enough; it all looked boring; the noodle in his mouth tasted like nothing, neither good nor bad. After forcing himself to some more noodles, he put his chopsticks away. "Thank you, mother…," he still wore the same fake smile. Apparently she didn't test him today…"Oh, you're already done? Don't you like it?", " I do, but I'm not hungry today, I'm sorry…" , she frowned, disappointment and anger flashing in her eyes, "Who are you? MY Ritsuka wouldn't hide in his room; he wouldn't cry to himself, he would come to mommy to let her help him. HOW DARE YOU WEAR HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE?...," the screaming went on, he didn't object. He knew he wasn't the old Ritsuka. He didn't even remember him; he didn't know what he was like. The old Ritsuka had been loved by everyone: his mother, his father and… Seimei…
He had no right to claim his life, his friends and family to himself. He would never be able to do as expected; he would never achieve to be the Ritsuka everyone wanted.
Ritsuka didn't even feel the blows, the slaps on his skin. There was pain, but he didn't register it. There was some liquid running down his arms and his temple but it didn't matter. He turned around, slowly getting away from his fighting mother. "YOU ARE NOT MY SON!" this was the last thing he heard, before he silently closed the door to his room.

There was nothing worth staying there anymore: his mother would only be waiting for the 'old Ritsuka' to reappear. As much as he tried to be like him, he couldn't fool anybody - neither Misaki nor himself- he would never be him. Each day he would continue to eat food not meant for him.
After school, there would be no more Soubi waiting for him, leaning against the wall, calmly smoking. He'd miss that smell he hated but loved so much at the same time. He'd miss their daily little struggle over smoking in front of an elementary school. There would be no more senseless discussing over useless punishments, no more "I love y…"
His thoughts were interrupted by a weird ringing. He felt it pierce through his ears, indicating a fighter unit nearby. What could he do without a fighter? He, as a lone sacrifice, couldn't do much. Slowly, Ritsuka realized how defenceless and powerless he was without Soubi. Somewhere out there was the next cruel pair waiting for him to be retrieved to the academy. Why am I still fighting it? Why do I insist on staying here? He was tired of it; if he went there, he could restart, he would be told of what to do, he could learn how to be a proper sacrifice - maybe finally he'd learn how to protect someone he loved. Someday he would be equal to Seimei.
But more importantly, he didn't have to act like somebody he didn't know.

Slowly the intensity of the ringing increased, while Ritsuka gathered some of his belongings, taking only the essential: Apart from a few clothes, he only took his camera and three pictures: one of his family, one of Soubi and one of Yuiko and Yayoi.
A pang of guilt engulfed him. Yuiko would surely miss him…but he just had to trust Yayoi on comforting her, hopefully she'd finally see all the love that boy carried for her.

By now the ringing had intensified to an annoying rate. He had to hurry; so the boy picked up his small bag and headed down the hallway. He could hear Misaki sobbing in her room as he quietly approached it. Hesitantly, he knocked at the door, "mom?" He had to say good bye; he couldn't just leave her here all alone without another word. As expected, the yelling started immediately "GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!" He could hear something crashing against the wall, so he wanted to wait for her to calm back down. The fighter pair was really close now, he couldn't wait any longer and neither the screaming nor the sounds of destruction subsided. Sadly, he silently mumbled, "alright mother, I'm going now, good bye…, "and he turned around, walked out of his door, taking the last steps towards the source of the unnerving ringing.

I don't own Loveless