Authors Note: Warning, this story contains a lot of stupid as it is a crack fic. Please don't eat or drink anything as you read this fanfiction because I don't want to be held accountable for you possibly choking or for the possible demise of your computer. Now that you have been warned, Onwards with the story!

But first, no I don't own Naruto or Naruto Shippuden.

-midnathething

Bold is Dark Zetsu talking

Italics are the stories of the rules.

Humming quietly Deidara skimmed over the rules on the list. "Why not just start with the first one un, doing these in numerical order will be easier." Deidara answered, passing the list back to Sasori. "So, why is the rule "Samahada isn't allowed in the kitchen" instead of Kisame isn't allowed in the kitchen un?"

"Because," Sasori began with a sigh, "He apparently makes very good sushi."

"Hm… Kisame sushi? Sounds tasty." Said the darker half of Zetsu as he walked out of the wall, startling the two missing ninja already in the room. "And how did your mission go?" Asked Zetsu's paler half with a yawn.

"It went well." Sasori answered bluntly, apparently not in the mood for conversation with the plant man. Deidara suspected Zetsu had eaten the body of someone Sasori had wanted to turn into a puppet.

"I copied a list un." Deidara contributed, stretching. "Why would you want to wander around naked Zetsu?" He added, gesturing to rule #7.

The plant man shrugged and moved to sit in a black chair on the opposite side of the room from Sasori. When he saw Deidara's raised eyebrow he said, "What, we aren't allowed to join you two for the stories about the rules? We aren't in the base all the time you know, we'd like to know the stories behind some of these rules too. "

"You should know about most of these early rules though un, you've been in this group basically the whole time it's existed as far as I can tell." Deidara said, glancing at Sasori. The puppet nin was scowling and that was enough to make any skilled ninja nervous.

Zetsu shrugged. "We don't know everything Deidara. For example, no one has been able to figure out rule 28, except for maybe Konan. But she's not talking if she knows."

Deidara hummed thoughtfully. "I'd hope store bought explosive tags aren't made by drunks un, that sounds like it'd be… Bad. Sasori, you wanna tell us about THE RULE- the RULE… THE RU- Dammit Uchiha, knock it off un." Deidara glared in the direction of the doorway.

Itachi, who was leaning against the doorway looking quite bored, let a small smirk appear on his face. "And what are you three doing?" He asked in his usual monotone.

"I'm going to explain THE LIST OF RULES to these two. And stop it with the emphasis genjutsu Uchiha, it's irritating." Sasori answered, sounding as bored as Itachi looked. The Uchiha raised an eyebrow. "Well are you going to join us or lurk in the doorway all day, hurry up." Sasori snapped impatiently with a glare.

"Get back from a mission and say hello with genjutsu and no one appreciates it…" Itachi muttered walking into the lounge. He sat on the opposite side of the couch from Deidara, much to the irritation of the blond.

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Now that everyone's taken a seat." He said in a high pitched voice that sounded suspiciously civilian school teacher like.

Sasori shook his head, muttering something about missing ninja acting like children, and cleared his throat like his grandmother had whenever she was about to tell him a story.

Rule number one: Samahada is not allowed in the kitchen.

. . .

Kisame stared in a mix of shock and horror. "You want me to do what?" He asked in disbelief, hoping he'd simply completely misheard their leader somehow.

"I want you to cook something." Sir Leader firmly repeated, confirming that yes, he was indeed asking Kisame to cook.

"But… Why?" Asked Kisame, attempting to follow their leader's strange path of thought.

Sasori told the story quite nicely before Deidara interrupted him. "How do you know about this un?" The blond tilted his head slightly in confusion.

"I was exploring the air vents and got lost, it's complicated and you wouldn't understand." Sasori replied, waving a hand dismissively.

"See, it's not just us. Shut up." Zetsu's paler half said, only to immediately receive an irritated response snapped back to him by his darker half.

"If you're done arguing with yourself Zetsu." Sasori snapped, glaring at the plant man. When Zetsu said nothing Sasori calmly said, "Now, back to the story."

"Because it's ether you or Zetsu cooking." Sir Leader answered, a hint of irritation creeping into his voice.

"Ah… So, how does shredded chicken sound?" Kisame asked with a cheerful grin that a skilled ninja could identify as the grin of a predator about to catch its prey.

"I don't care as long as it's not human and it's edible." Sir Leader said in irritation, walking away to do his paperwork in his office. Even missing ninja groups had paper work and it frustrated their fearless leader to no end.

Kisame's grin grew larger, resembling that of a Cheshire Cat. "Time to make a meal they'll never forget, right Samahada." When he got the feeling of approval from Samahada Kisame cackled.

"Well, that doesn't bode well." Itachi said, a small frown appearing on his features.

Later Sasori said, waving his hands in a pattern that looked vaguely rainbow like.

Sir Leader wandered into the kitchen. He smelled something burning; that was never a good sign.

His eyes grew wide when he took in the sight before him. There were pieces of shredded chicken everywhere, the kitchen table was on fire, and the counter had been shredded so much you could see the silverware drawer.

"Wait, why was the table on fire un?" Deidara asked with a gesture that sent his hand crashing into the stone wall. The blond hissed in pain, the sound of bones breaking having easily been heard by all of the ninja in the room. "Not. One. Word." Deidara hissed, glaring.

Sasori smirked in amusement. "Kisame tried cooking the chicken with a fire jutsu, the chicken was on the table – there you go, one burning table and inedible chicken." Sasori chuckled at the memory.

"Kisame, what happened in here?" Asked Sir Leader, rubbing his temples.

"I'm cooking shredded chicken." Kisame exclaimed with a toothy grin. "Samahada helped!"

Silently, Leader stalked out of the room, pulling a blank piece of paper from the sleeve of his cloak. He quickly wrote on the paper before sticking it to the wall with a senbon. In bold letters the paper read;

Rules:

#1: Samahada is not allowed in the kitchen.

"And that, Deidara, is where the first rule came from." Sasori concluded.

"Kakuzu threw a fit when he saw the kitchen," Itachi said with a small smile threatening to appear on his face.

Deidara stared for a moment before asking uncertainly, "Itachi are you smiling?"

"No, you've lost your mind." Itachi answered in his usual monotone, leaving the room.

Itachi was smiling for the first time in a long time.