Fanboy And Chum Chum: Revenge Of The Myths

(A/N: Trying to get more of the Bram Stoker feeling in Dr. Acula.)

I Vant To Suck Your Blood

"Man, I just got my wisdom teeth pulled. It hurt like you wouldn't believe," Duke declared as he, Michael, and Sigmund sat in the park eating. "I couldn't eat anything but liquids, soup, and ice-cream forever."

"I've only lost five baby teeth. I'm glad I haven't grown wisdom teeth yet," Michael remarked. "How many have you lost Sigmund?"

Sigmund, about to bite into a sandwich, paused and looked at them. Bringing it away he shifted awkwardly and cleared his throat, saying, "Um, vell, I have not lost ein tooth yet."

"Really? Aren't you like twelve?" Duke asked.

"Sorcerer's do not lose teeth like normal!" Sigmund defended. "Kyle has not lost vun yet eizher. Zank goodness ve do not loose teeth like you."

"Why?" Michael asked incredulously.

"Because our vizard tooth fairy iz not ze tooth fairy you are used to," Sigmund answered. "He iz ein evil entity who lives on Tooth Mountain. Vhen a vizard or sorcerer loses teeth, he comes und takes every ozher tooth you have out vith his own hands vun by painful vun until your mouth iz nussink but ein empty black hole. Zere iz ein spell you can use to help vard him off, but most can't be bothered learning it until it iz absolutely necessary," Sigmund answered.

"Dude…" Duke began.

"That's just creepy man," Michael added. Sigmund shrugged casually. He bit the sandwich and yelped in pain.

"What's up?" Duke questioned. Sigmund gasped and reached for the tooth that had screamed in protest. He wiggled it nervously. It moved! He gasped.

"I-I have ein loose tooth…" he squeaked.

"Oh man, that ain't good," Michael remarked. Sigmund, now pale, put down the sandwich blankly. Oh, he didn't know the half of it.

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"Fanboy, Chum Chum, where are you two?" Kyle demanded, knocking on their door in annoyance. He couldn't believe he'd actually become desperate enough to actually seek these two out of his own accord.

"Hey Kyle!" he heard a voice exclaim from behind. Fanboy's. He cried out in alarm, jumping and whirling. There, dangling from the roof tied together, were Fanboy and Chum Chum!

"What are you two ninnies doing?" Kyle demanded.

"Just hanging around," Chum Chum replied.

"Hah, hah, very funny," Kyle said. He zapped them with his wand and they fell to the ground with cries of pain. Quickly they scrambled up.

"Whew, thanks," Fanboy said.

"Hey Kyle, let's play!" Chum Chum exclaimed.

"Play what?" Kyle questioned.

"Shenanigans!" the two exclaimed together. Kyle sighed drearily. He supposed he deserved whatever came to him from this point on.

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The doorbell rang. Curiously Poopatine looked at the door. Oh yes, Dr. Acula was coming over. He frowned. He didn't like it, but he supposed he had no choice. With an annoyed sigh he put down the book he was reading and opened the door for the Doctor. "Dr. Acula, welcome," Janitor Poopatine greeted.

"Yes, velcome. Thank you very muchly Mr. Poopatine," Dr. Acula replied. Poopatine blinked at him. Was it his imagination, or did the man's eyes have a tinge of red in them? And did he look older or just desperate; or both?

"Dr. Acula, I must admit I was surprised at your sudden inquiry to visit this lovely evening," Poopatine remarked, pouring tea and offering it to the man, watching him suspiciously. The man took it, but didn't look too impressed. In fact, he was beginning to fidget uncomfortably.

"Yes, vell, I had some… things, I needed to do vith you," the man replied. "Vhere are your sons, Mr. Poopatine? I vould like to do a checkup on them."

"Oh," Poopatine pressed, disliking the way he'd said it. He turned to scan the bookshelf. "They're gone for the evening, out with friends. You know how preteens are. You said you wanted a certain natural remedy book."

"Most definitely," Dr. Acula verified, rising as the man's back was turned and slowly advancing towards him. "I suppose I vill have to make do vith you. I feel I von't be disappointed. Tell me, Mr. Poopatine, do you ever remove your hood?"

"No. Rarely. And it's Janitor Poopatine to you," Poopatine simply answered, unaware of the advancing predator behind him. All at once a tingling went up the back of his spine, though, and he turned. The man was only feet from him! He blinked then frowned, asking, "Can I help you?"

"Curious, is all," Dr. Acula suavely replied. Suave? Since when did the man have finesse? Poopatine glared at him, trying to read him, but he got nothing. Soon enough he shrugged and turned away again. Why didn't he feel like it was a good idea to turn his back on the Doctor? Dr. Acula. Odd name, really. And what was with the eyes? They were red now, no doubt. He scanned the bookshelf then froze as his eyes fell on a certain book title; Dracula. He blinked and rubbed his eyes, gasping. Dr. Acula, Dracula.

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"Dude, what are you gonna do about the loose tooth?" Duke questioned.

"Nussink! I just vill not eat," Sigmund replied.

"Yeah, like that's gonna work," Michael remarked. "Ain't you gonna tell your dad?"

"Nein! It iz none uf his concern," Sigmund answered. "He vould probably pull it."

"He might know how to fix it, though," Duke offered.

"Unlikely," Sigmund replied as they walked into Oz's Comics.

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"So who's your doctor, Kyle?" Chum Chum asked as the three played some questioning game Fanboy and Chum Chum had come up with. From what he could tell it was a mix between Truth or Dare and Twenty Questions. One person asked twenty questions, you had no choice but to answer them and truthfully. You lied, the lie detecting slapper thing Fanboy had invented slapped you harder than you would think it could. He'd learned the hard way. Lucky for him, neither of his ninnies were good at asking questions.

"Oh some strange old chap named Dr. Acula or something like that," Kyle answered.

Fanboy gasped and exclaimed, "Dr. Acula!? You mean that great doctor who gave Chum Chum a longer neck so we could stay immortal together forever? Not that it worked, but still!"

Kyle started then looked at them in shock. After a moment he asked, "Neck surgery?"

"Uh huh," the two verified.

"Dr. Acula, neck, Dr Acula, Dracula…" Kyle mused. He gasped, paling, and exclaimed, "Vampire! Dr. Acula is a vampire! I knew something was off about him, I just knew it! Oh no, he's at my house with daddy Poopatine! I have to go!" With that he zoomed off.

"Daddy Poopatine?" Fanboy asked. Chum Chum shrugged.

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Kyle conjured up a broomstick and leapt on, zooming off. He grabbed out his crystal ball and waved his hand over it, summoning his 'sibling.' "You have reached Sigmund ze Sorcerer," Sigmund answered, looking bored. Behind him were Duke and Michael looking awed.

"Sigmund, papa's in danger! Dr. Acula is secretly a vampire!" Kyle exclaimed.

"…Vat?" Sigmund incredulously replied, seriously doubting his brother's sanity. Duke and Michael exchanged incredulous looks.

"Dr. Acula, Dracula! That's why he wanted us out of the house, he sensed something was wrong! Meet me at home!" Kyle ordered. Sigmund became alarmed, catching instantly on, then snapped his fingers and suddenly appeared in front of Kyle on the broom, leaving Duke and Michael gaping in shock and wondering what had just happened. Kyle found himself holding onto Sigmund and blinking blankly at the sudden appearance. "Why didn't you just snap home?" Kyle questioned.

"Because you vould take forever to get zere. You are so slow und pathetic on ein broom it iz sad. It vould be January befar you got zhere. I am so much better zen you at zis it iz not even debateable," Sigmund answered. With that the broom shot off.

Kyle screamed in terror and clung to Sigmund tightly, shrieking, "Slow down! Whatever are you trying to do, kill us?!" Sigmund grinned excitedly, zooming in and out of hairpin turns and dodging nearly impossible obstacles while humming a tune and smirking inwardly at his baby brother's panic. He loved every minute of this. All at once home was in view and the two gritted their teeth. Sigmund parked right by the door and the two leapt off. Kyle looked around, then satisfied they were alive he remarked, "Wow, record timing."

"Uf course," Sigmund boasted. "Come on! Fazher iz in danger!" With that the two children burst through the door and charged through the house in order to get to their dad.

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"Uncanny," Poopatine remarked.

"Vhat is?" the man behind him questioned, and Poopatine stiffened on feeling the breath on the back of his neck.

He was silent a moment, frozen, then replied, "Your name. Take out the period after the abbreviation and you get Dracula."

"Really?" the man hissed, literally hissed, and Poopatine instantly knew what he was speaking to. He gasped and spun. Mistake. That left his neck open, and the man lunged with a shriek. Poopatine cried out in terror and caught the Doctor, barely managing to fend off the blow and throw him to the ground. Dr. Acula wouldn't let go, however, and the two rolled across the ground, Acula trying to get at his neck, Poopatine more terrified than he ever remembered being.

"Help!" he cried.

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"Zat vas fazher!" Sigmund exclaimed.

"Hold on papa, we're coming!" Kyle cried. Poopatine heard the voices and gasped, sharply looking back at the door. The man lunged again, but Poopatine managed to dodge the fangs.

"Boys, don't!" he called. Too late. All at once the door flew open and Dr. Acula was sent flying off of him with a pained shriek as two balls of fire, one blue and one red, struck him viciously. Poopatine gasped and sat quickly up, scrambling away. Kyle and Sigmund raced to him and grabbed his arms, pulling him up.

"Let's get out of here!" Kyle exclaimed.

"Ve cannot be bozhered vith him," Sigmund agreed.

"My thoughts exactly," Poopatine said as he clambered onto Brenda. The robotic chair seized the two children in its robotic hands and they all headed for the door desperately.

Just then Dr. Acula sprang in front of them and attacked, knocking the boys both from the chair! Poopatine gasped. Brenda instantly stopped. Poopatine leapt off and raced towards the vampire who was trying to bite one of the two tender young necks beneath him. "Zurrender," Acula hissed.

"Get away from them!" Poopatine shot, tackling the doctor from the two boys. The two rolled across the floor before Poopatine finally managed to slam Acula into the table leg. He leapt up and ran for his children.

"Garlic, we need garlic!" Kyle exclaimed. Sigmund snapped his fingers, poofing some up, and tossed a few heads to Kyle. Acula leapt up, diving for Poopatine, but just then Kyle and Sigmund tossed the garlic. The vampire screamed in pain and alarm as the cloves hit him.

"Bullseye!" Sigmund cheered. The two high fived

"Brenda, a wooden stake would be nice!" Poopatine shot. Brenda beeped and whistled, pulling out a gardening stake. Poopatine grabbed it as she threw it to him and blinked blankly. Well, he supposed it was the best they could do. He instantly turned around, stake ready to plunge into Acula's heart, but Dr. Acula spotted the threat and gasped. With a scream he transformed into a bat and flew quickly out the window.

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The three's hearts were pounding as they looked blankly out the window after the retreating figure. Finally Poopatine sighed in relief, lowering the stake. He cried out in alarm the next minute, though, as the children tackled him to the ground hugging him. "You're all right!" Kyle exclaimed.

"I can't believe ve vere being treated by a vampire!" Sigmund exclaimed. "I zought ve vould lose you fazher."

"There, there?" Poopatine more asked than anything, patting the boys' backs. "Now kindly get off of me!" Quickly the two climbed off. Poopatine harrumphed and rose up. "I'm fine boys. Thank you for the rescue. I believe I told you to stay away, though."

"Well we couldn't just let him make you into a snack," Kyle defended. Pooptine chuckled and ruffled their hair, walking passed.

"Does this mean we can practice bigger potions now?" Kyle called after him.

"Dream on," Poopatine replied.

"Vhat about spells?" Sigmund questioned, not honestly expecting a positive answer. To his surprise, however, Poopatine paused. The duo's eyes widened. Was he actually going to let them?

After a moment Poopatine turned and replied, "Perhaps."

"No way," they said in shock as the man walked into the kitchen.