One week earlier: March 12th, 3006
DOOP headquarters, Weehawken, New Jersey.
By special admission afforded by their past exploits, and a shared sense of morbid fascination, the four crewmembers of Planet Express attended the court-martialling of Captain Zapp Brannigan. They'd seen the megalomaniac stripped of rank before, though this time it looked as though there would be no going back.
Brannigan had well and truly lost his mind. Not even his personal friend, Earth President Richard Nixon, would agree to testify on his behalf for fear of political damage.
The broad, flabby back of 'The Zapper' could be seen taking up the defendant booth on one side of the courtroom. A bland prison outfit had replaced his usual velure uniform, but he still held himself with the same pompous arrogance – shoulders squared and head tilted back.
Fry, Leela, Bender, and Amy, looked down from their secluded chairs at the top of the amphitheatre, taking care not to be seen by Zapp as the reptilian DOOP President made her way to the podium. Fry sat beside Leela and squeezed her hand.
"This day's been a long time coming, huh?" he whispered.
The Cyclops smiled thinly and nodded. Brannigan's ever-present looming influence across the cosmos had been a particularly personal vexation for her, and she was anxious to see justice finally done so that the door could be shut on a series of events she'd just as soon forget.
President Glab banged her gavel, and the trial of Zapp Brannigan began.
"Zapp Brannigan, you stand accused of wanton dereliction of duty as an officer of DOOP and demonstrable unsuitability for command. How do you plead?"
Brannigan leaned forward. "Absolutely 99 percent not guilty!" he declared.
"Then the prosecutor will call on his first witness," Glab said.
The Hyperchicken stood up from his table and strutted to the middle of the room, stopping to randomly peck at something on the floor along the way.
"Your honour, if it please the court I say I'll call up Captain Kif Kroker."
"Peh!" Zapp snorted loudly. "'Captain'? He's not fit to scrub a Captain's backside."
"Order!" Glab shouted, glaring at Brannigan.
The diminutive green alien emerged from the adjoining room to take the witness stand. He glanced at Zapp with an unreadable expression and Zapp glared back at him.
"Oh Kiffy!" Amy whispered, clasping her hands together.
"Captain Kroker," the Hyperchicken drawled. "D'you mind explaining to the jury why y'all feel that the former Captain of the Nimbus sitting over yonder is unfit for DOOP command?"
"I would be happy to," Kif replied. "Zapp Brannigan is the worst Commanding officer I've ever suffered the misfortune of serving under. His apparent list of legendary exploits has been gained with the blood of good men whom he considers little more than cannon-fodder, not to mention his outrageous exaggerations and outright lies for the purpose of self-promotion."
A cheer went up from the crowd of DOOP officers and airmen who took up most of the viewing gallery, prompting the President to bang her gavel repeatedly until the noise died down.
"I assumed command of the Nimbus when Captain Brannigan attempted an unprovoked full-scale assault on a small civilian trading vessel to satisfy his own ego," Kif said. "This was the last in a long series of infractions and I did not take action for the purpose of furthering my own career. On the contrary, I would be happy to re-assume my previous rank when an appropriate replacement is found."
Kif produced a thick folder of documents that he dropped heavily on the bench in front of him.
"With the court's approval," he said, "I would like to submit the accumulated written testimony of the entire crew of the Nimbus, detailing more than two thousand separate incidences of gross incompetence, brazen disregard for the sanctity of life, and imposition of personal motivations over duty."
"I'm going to allow this," Glab said, motioning for the bailiff to recover the folder.
Zapp sat silently motionless as the documents were fed into the court's Artificial Intelligence unit. The Planet Express crew looked on happily.
"The testimony is submitted," President Glab said. "The jury is directed to turn its attention to their consoles."
There were gasps of horror from the multi-species jury as they scanned the condensed data on Brannigan's numerous crimes. Minutes passed.
"Now," the Hyperchicken said at length. "I'd like to ask the jury one question. Are y'all gonna vote for, or against Mr Brannigan there?"
A chorus of 'against' followed, and the President banged her gavel. "The Jury is instructed to disregard its own testimony!" she said.
"Your honour!" the Hyperchicken announced. "The prosecution rests!" With that, and a loud cluck, he tucked his head under one wing and appeared to go to sleep.
"Zapp Brannigan, the evidence against you is strong," the President said, addressing the defendant's booth. "Have you anything to say in your defence."
"One thing, your honour," Brannigan replied, standing up. "I would like… a glass of water."
A murmur went through the audience and the President's green brow furrowed in confusion. "Very well," she said uncertainly.
The bailiff brought a pitcher of water and Zapp slowly poured himself a glass, and then stood holding it, staring into space.
"You know," he said, "a very sexy and heroic Starship Captain once remarked that in the game of chess you never let your opponent see your pieces." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a capsule no larger than a button.
Glab narrowed her eyes. "What is that?" she demanded.
"This?" Zapp said, lifting the little pill so that all could see. "This is the insurance policy I kept concealed beneath a strategically cultivated fold of fat for nearly ten years in case I ever needed it. This is shrewdness and forward-planning, the strengths of a true leader."
Leela lunged up from her chair and shouted. "It's a suicide pill! Stop him!"
The court guards rushed forward, but instead of swallowing it, Zapp dropped the little pill into the glass of water, and with a loud popping sound it began to expand, breaking the glass and forming into a familiar shape.
"…Okay, it's not a suicide pill." Leela sunk back down.
Zapp gripped the now re-hydrated positron blaster and grinned savagely. "Case dismissed!" he shouted, levelling the weapon and opening fire at the approaching guards.
The courtroom erupted into screams of terror and panicked scrambling for safety as blasts of superheated plasma sizzled through the air.
"Oh man, this is great!" Bender said excitedly. "I should really watch court-TV more often!"
After dispatching the guards, Zapp aimed the gun up at the President and fired through her podium, blasting a hole though the timber stand and the middle of her torso with a shower of splinters and green blood. The President fell dead to the floor and Zapp turned his attention elsewhere, roasting the Hyperchicken with a close proximity blast.
Kif leapt over the witness table and rushed headlong at the deranged gunman, diving at Brannigan in a desperate attempt to grapple the weapon from his hands. Zapp caught the movement and swung the gun up to crack against Kif's head, sending the little alien sprawling.
"And now, a reckoning," he said, looming over Kif and pointing the gun down at his head.
"No!" Amy shouted, lurching up from her seat and scrambling forward.
"Hey, down in front – I'm watchin' this," Bender complained.
Leela was already moving, overtaking Amy and barging past a few straggling evacuees. She ignored Fry's cry for her to stop and leapt headlong over the balustrade, flying through the air and crash-tackling Zapp to the ground.
The two of them rolled together, both scrabbling at the gun, which discharged a few times, blasting chunks out of the floor and ceiling. By sheer weight, Zapp managed pin Leela beneath him, and the two grappled for the positron rifle.
"The lovely, luscious Leela," Zapp hissed. "How appropriate for you to be here, at the end of all things."
"It's the end for you, Zapp," Leela growled. "You're not gonna take anyone else down with you."
"If you don't want to go down with me, then why not go down ON me?" Zapp sneered, ripping the gun out of Leela's hands.
"You disgusting pig!" The barrel of the blaster pointed straight at Leela's face and she glared up defiantly.
"Suck on this then, you one-eyed whore!" Zapp spat, caressing the trigger.
A black sneaker at the end of a denim-clad leg caught Zapp in the side of the face, throwing him back violently. The gun went off, sending a spear of plasma into the floor next to Leela's head. Fry jumped over Leela, ready to follow through with another kick, but the main doors of the courtroom flew open and a dozen heavily-armed soldiers rushed inside, pointing their assault lasers at everyone present. Fry froze in mid stride, and Zapp looked up with manic eyes.
For a heartbeat there was stillness.
Zapp moved first, lunging to where Amy was crouched over Kif's prostrate form. He grabbed the Martian girl by the hair and hauled her up in front of him.
"Spleeeaagh!" Amy screamed as the barrel of Zapp's gun was pressed against her temple.
"Amy!" Kif squeaked from the floor, reaching up. Zapp kicked him away and began backing up.
"I'm walking out of here!" Zapp yelled at the soldiers. "If anyone follows, I'll turn this girl into a steaming pile of minced Swiss cheese."
Zapp backed away toward a side door and pushed back through disappearing and dragging Amy with him.
"Oh Gods, no," Kif gasped, scrambling after the fleeing madman. "Not Amy!" Leela, Fry, and the troupe of soldiers followed, and finally a reluctant Bender trailed behind.
They spilled out into the garbage-strewn car-park of DOOP Headquarters in time to see a small shuttlecraft lift off and blast away into the sky.
"Come on – what are you waiting for?" Leela shouted at the DOOP soldiers. "Go after him – he has our friend!"
"No can do, missy," the lead soldier grunted apologetically. "We're ground troops, you see. Our life insurance won't pay up if we're killed above the ground."
"Oh for the love of…" Kif wrung his hands in frustration. "Leela, I will need to make use of your ship, if I could just…"
"Of course," Leela said. "Let's go!" She spotted the antenna ball of the Planet Express ship nestled among the other spacecraft and started toward it with the others in tow, Bender grumbling about them 'needlessly endangering his banjo'.
……..
Zapp piloted the little shuttlecraft out of Earth's atmosphere, his face set in fevered determination.
"What do you think you'll accomplish?" Amy sobbed from the floor. "This is just a candlepower transport – you can't even get out of Earth's orbit in it."
"Shut up, bitch!" Zapp snarled, glaring ahead. The dome of the Orbiting Meadows funeral asteroid loomed ahead, passing across the sun. "There are grave happenings afoot," he muttered, giggling at his own joke. The radar chimed and Zapp noted the approaching contact with grim satisfaction.
"Endgame," he whispered.
……….
Leela backed off the engines as she watched the wayward shuttlecraft dock with the funeral asteroid.
"What the hell is he doing?" she muttered to herself, setting a course to intercept with Orbiting Meadows.
"I'm gonna break open the armoury," Fry said, moving back toward the companionway.
"I should do this alone," Kif said, gripping the back of Leela's chair. "It's my responsibility – there's no reason for you or your crew to endanger yourselves."
"Stow that line of crap!" Leela snapped. "Amy's our friend… and besides…" her voice grew quiet "…Zapp's state of mind is partly my fault."
"That's not true," Kif said.
Leela shook her head, silencing any further discussion. She eased the ship through the dome's docking gate and settled it down next to the abandoned shuttlecraft.
Orbiting Meadows
The two Marines who had been stationed in the orbiting graveyard were sprawled at their posts, blood congealing on the grass around their prostrate forms.
"He's been through here," Leela said needlessly, narrowing her eye and switching the safety off her laser pistol. "Everyone form up on me – keep your eyes peeled." She moved ahead into the cemetery area with Fry, Bender, and Kif following close behind, each of them brandishing outdated weapons from the PE ship's meagre arsenal.
Fry took a deep breath and wobbled on his feet. "What the?" he looked around. "I just got a little woozy," he said. "Does everything smell grey all of a sudden?"
The others stopped and sniffed.
"You're right," Leela said. "The air smells odd."
"Too much Oxygen," Kif said. "That isn't good."
"Why?" Bender asked, confused. "I thought Oxygen was good for you disgusting organic lifeforms."
"Too much of it can be bad," Leela replied. "It can be poisonous… and worse than that, it can act as a flammable catalyst that…" she looked down at the gun in her hand and grimaced.
"Oh wonderful," Kif grumbled angrily. "NOW he decides to get smart."
"What? What's the problem?" Fry was having difficulty following the conversation.
"We can't fire our weapons," Leela explained. "Without risk of setting the atmosphere alight and blowing this entire station to rubble."
"That would be bad? …Yes, probably bad."
"Weapons safe," Leela instructed.
"That's right!" a loud voice called from across the cemetery and they all looked up in alarm to see Zapp Brannigan standing on top of a large tombstone, holding his blaster aloft and grinning.
"I rigged the scrubbers to recycle too richly – with every passing minute the air in here becomes more and more Oxygen-saturated," he said, laughing harshly. "One shot and you'll all be cremated like underpants left too long in the oven."
"We've come for Amy," Kif said. "Let her go and we'll leave – she's all we want."
"Still crawling after the waif, eh?" Zapp snarled. "Very well then." He reached down and dragged Amy out from behind the tombstone, throwing her forward onto the ground.
"Glouch!" Amy complained, scrambling to her feet and racing to hide behind Kif.
"We're leaving, Zapp," Leela said, taking a step back. "We don't want any more trouble. You're free to stay here and gas yourself amongst the tombstones if that's…"
"Don't move another inch!" Zapp bellowed, pointing his blaster at the group.
They all gaped at the lunatic.
"But… you can't fire your gun either," Fry said, frowning. "It'll blow us all up just the same. Don't you realize…?"
"He knows," Leela murmured, wide-eyed. "He doesn't care."
Zapp began laughing, quietly at first, and gradually louder, until he was all but screaming with laughter and sending specks of spittle flying from his mouth.
"Ha…hahahaha!" Bender joined in, chortling and slapping his metal thigh as Zapp continued to cackle insanely.
"Oh Jeez…" Fry muttered. "Last time I heard a laugh like that it was from my elementary school English teacher right before she tore off all her clothes and started eating chalk. I think he's really lost it."
"Spluh!" Amy said, still cowering behind Kif. "When'd you come to that conclusion?"
"Oh I dunno," Bender said, chuckling and wiping his eye. "I think this jerkwad's a lot more fun than he used to be."
Kif stepped forward, discarding his useless gun and glaring up at Zapp.
"This is between you and me, Zapp," he said quietly. "Let the others go."
Zapp stopped laughing and leapt down from the tombstone. He strutted over to Kif and glared down at the green alien.
"How quickly you've become accustomed to giving out orders, you putrescent little pipsqueak," he growled. "Well I'm going to do a service for you and that burgeoning ego of yours." He waved the barrel of his blaster under Kif's nose. "We're going to be remembered. I'm gonna make you a piece of history… actually, make that thousands of pieces of history… you and the lickable Leela, and her pathetic friends… mahahaha!"
"Hah, this guy's a hoot!" Bender said, and then paused in reflection. "Hey wait a sec… I'm one of Leela's pathetic friends! Oh my God – he's a murderous madman!"
Zapp smirked. "Murderous? Yes. Madman? Yes." He glanced up through the dome to see a small flotilla of DOOP ships and police craft closing on the funeral station. "Aha," he chirped. "The audience is here! Time to meet our maker… let's hope God is a sexy, many-breasted lady deity."
"Well actually…" Bender began, but trailed off as Zapp lifted his gun up into the air theatrically.
"RUN!" Leela screamed, spinning on her heel and herding the others toward the airlock.
"There's nowhere to go…" Zapp whispered to himself, and pulled the trigger.
Zapp's positron blast cut through the air, leaving a flaming trail that flared and expanded. He laughed as the incandescent fireball billowed out and engulfed him. The last thing that registered in his mind was a smell of frying fat.
The atmosphere erupted in flames that expanded out rapidly. The five fleeing figures were caught by the blast wave and lifted off the ground as it pushed them through the access tunnel, limbs flailing and screams stifled by the roar of burning air. Leela felt something strike her in the side – a piece of debris travelling at high speed – and pain lanced through her.
They all landed in a heap next to the Planet Express ship, and flames licked all around them for a moment, charring clothes and hair, before the inferno suddenly whipped away and a tremendous gale picked up. They climbed to their feet and looked up through the small secondary dome to see the main cemetery enclosure rupture into shards and explode outward into vacuum, sucking the fire and the air out with it.
"Oh my…" Kif gasped as the wind picked up speed. "Atmospheric breech!"
"Into the ship!" Leela shouted over the rushing air, clutching the wound in her side.
As they ran up the embarkation star of the Planet Express ship, the whole asteroid shuddered sickeningly and vast clouds of dust and vapour whipped past, out through the access tunnel and into the void. Fry was the last up the ramp, and he had to grab hold of the railing at the top to stop from being pulled away by the monumental gale of escaping air. Leela hit the emergency close button and the ramp ascended, sealing the ship and causing it to topple forward and roll on its side.
"Arrragh!" Leela cried as she fell against the bulkhead. Blood spilled from the wound in her side, and she felt a peculiar coldness creep up from the wound.
"Leela, you're bleeding!" Fry said, starting forward to help her.
"So are you," Leela noted, gesturing to his face where impact with the ground had torn a gash in his right cheek.
"I'm fine," Fry waved it off. "But we need to get you looked at and…" he trailed off as the ship shuddered again.
"It'll have to wait," Leela said grimly, pressing a hand over the wound and making her way aft toward the cockpit. "I think that atmospheric vent may have damaged the asteroid's orbit… pushed us…" she stepped out onto the bridge and took in the view through the ship's forward viewscreen and the plexiglass partition of the docking dome. The magnificent disc of the Earth had tilted up to meet them and now filled the view – a beautiful, horrifying panorama that drew nearer with each passing second.
"We're falling…" Amy said, staring ahead.
"Well, see you all in hell," Bender remarked cheerfully.