AN: I didn't expect another one... it just kinda... happened.

Who can resist the image of Kili cowering behind a Tortilla maker and Fili teasing him.

- Standard disclaimers apply - No infringement intended. JRR Tolkien, WB, NewLine, Wingnut... they own the rights... I just borrowed the characters.

Azog - Taco Vendor from Hell

It was supposed to be a one-time deal: No sequel- let alone three. I mean, be honest: who wants to read about a Taco Vendor, orc or otherwise?

Okay, maybe if you're hungry you might talk tacos but let's face it "Azog Taco Vendor from Hell" was retired, at least retired from being the evil pale orc that wanted to destroy the line of Durin (he'd turned that family business over to his son Bolg), and then suddenly he found himself standing between some very ticked off looking FanGirls and a very scared Fili and Kili.

"Que? Como?" He demanded (he'd been working on his Spanish, which, as a taco vendor, people expected… well that or Korean—very strange place LA.)

"You forgot where, when and why," Fili said, cheerfully as he raided the Carne Asada bin.

"When did you learn Spanish?" Azog asked, surprised.

Kili nodded towards the subtitles. "Still got 'em, but in this case I think it's a really good thing."

The younger Dwarf ducked behind his tortilla maker and refused to get up.

"What is wrong with you? You're a freakin' bad-assed warrior and you're here hiding out in a Taco Truck," Azog growled at him in a combination of Spanish, Korean and Orc-ish. (Kili was thankful for the subtitles, though he was a little slow in reading them since he had to peek around the tortilla maker to get everything.)

"Tell, them, that!" Killi answered nodding towards the FanGirls surrounding the truck.

When Azog saw the terror in the dwarf's eyes, he relented, and turned towards Fili.

"Is it really that bad?"

Fili smirked, twirling his mustache. "Lately I'm the big brother who can do no wrong and has to protect his baby brother."

"Well, you always were a bit protective of him."

"There's protective as in, he's the only direct family you've got and he's like a built in best friend, then there's the 'he's my baby brother who never grew up and still sucks his thumb."

"But… you're both in your fifties aren't you?."

"Yeah, but someone decided that since we live longer we also age slower… so while we're just legal adults in Dwarvish society, We act like teenagers who've never seen the world."

Kili looked out and settled back down behind the taco maker, a small rectangular box in his hand. "Unless you look at the 'Fili and Kili as teens stories. Then it's not as bad."

"Has the torturing eased up?"

"Some," Fili answered. "For a while they latched onto Bolg… it's easier to spell, but you know, with a moniker like "Azog the Defiler' and that hook, you've got recognition… besides…"

Azog bowed his head. "He couldn't take it, could he?"

"Don't feel bad. You know how it is, You're dad's this big dude… hard shoes to fill.." Fili said, trying to soften the blow.

"He just couldn't take the 'theirs was a forbidden love…' stories with Thorin." Kili added.

"Or, alternatively Me, Kili, Dwalin… Balin…" Fili continued.

"The Necromancer, Radaghast…" Kili added as he prepared to tick off the names of the other dwarves.

"...I get the idea..."

"He's selling shoes in Pacoima," Fili finished with a slightly sheepish shrug.

"Hey, you're hiding out in a Taco Truck," Azog grunted angrily.

Fili shook his head. "No, he's hiding out in a taco truck," he said nodding towards his brother. "I'm having some Pico de Gallo…. Pretty good too."

"You can't stay here."

"Don't worry," Kili said, doing his best to scan the opposition without showing his head. "We should be safe soon…"

"How so?"

Kili held up the rectangular box and Fili frowned. "You stole one of their phones?"

"I'll take a picture of us with it and make sure she finds it later—but for now, she's just tweeted that she's seen us over at the Shawarma place on third, and that we'd used our stunt doubles as decoys.

Fili bounced on his toes for a minute and shook his head. "But I *like* that Shawarma place."

Kili frowned. "These are desperate times. You'll just have to find a new one… or wait until Legolas gets some screen time."

Azog sighed. Some things never changed.

-:-

As for the third story, it was enough to make even Azog seek therapy..