Fighting for Dawn to Break

by Queen Ferret

Bella say's yes to Edward's proposal but she is having second thoughts, she decides that once and for all she must pick between Edward and Jacob. Before she can make up her mind she makes a mistake that results in her losing both Edward and Jacob but gaining someone new. A do over of Breaking Dawn

2. Chapter 2

AN: Hello, is this thing on? Sorry it has taken me so long to make an update I just haven't felt like writing much lately and then the urge struck and... well here is the result. Hopefully you like this chapter the next chapter won't be too far away.

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Cold and hard like stone

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I gazed out the passenger window of the Volvo, watching the forest pass by in a green blur due to the speed of Edwards driving. The speed at which he drove no longer frightened me like it used to, I trusted Edward and his driving ability.

It was me I didn't trust.

I looked down at the ring on my finger, it seemed to weigh more than it should, or maybe it was the weight of what it represented that I was feeling.

I had agreed to marry Edward Cullen, the man I had fallen deeper in love with than I had ever thought possible. It wasn't a lack of love that made me reluctant to say yes to the proposal, it was the sound of my mother's voice, when I was just a small child telling me how bad marriage out of high school was, that nothing good ever came of it and it was the end of your youth.

Youth.

Age had never been something I was terribly conscious of, beyond the normal I can't wait until I'm old enough to drive, or watch an NC 17 movie without someone else having to buy the tickets, but with Edward I was painfully aware of the fact that with every passing second I was growing older and the chasm between his perfection and my imperfection grew wider.

In a way Edward had blackmailed me, he knew my issues with marriage and yet he had held it over my head as the one condition I must meet before he will make me like him.

"Bella," Edward said my name in the same manor that always made me shiver, it was like when my name was spoken by his perfect lips it became prayer.

His cold hand reached out and gently touched my upper thigh, drawing my attention away from the rapidly passing forest to his marble like hand.

I had once seen a close up photo of the hand Michelangelo had carved on David. I can remember looking at the delicately carved vein that ran across the top of the hand thinking, if I could just touch it I'm sure I would feel the blood pulse through the body, making something so cold and unmovable alive.

I reached out and traced the vein on Edward's hand, it felt just how I always imagined David's hand would, icy, impenetrable and just like the real David not the one of my fantasies, the blood did not move through his veins.

"Bella?"

"Yes Edward?" I looked up from his hand and into his amber eye's, I could see the finest of black lines tracing the outside of his irises. He would need to feed soon.

"Are you okay love?"

I smiled and doubted I looked anything close to happy, "I'm fine." Edward looked at me like he did not believe me. "I'm just worried about Jake." No one had seen Jacob for nine days, since I had seen him at First Beach, after the fight with the new born vampires.

"He'll be fine," Edward removed his hand from my thigh and he cupped my face in his stone like hand, "He just needs some time."

"You didn't see the look on his face Edward. I really hurt him." I turned away from Edward and looked out the window, watching the kaleidoscope of green pass and wondered how I would learn to live with the guilt.

If there was one thing the Cullen's taught me it was that time does not heal all wounds. I've watched Edward morn the humanity he thinks he has lost. Rosalie hungered for a child she can never have and Carlisle is endeavoring to save the soul he thinks is damned.

It had broken my heart to tell Jacob I could live without him but that I could not live without Edward. Even as the words had left my mouth a part of me had been screaming out liar! I ignore it, I pushed the voice deep inside of myself, I buried it, but it was like 'The Tell-Tale Heart,' by Edgar Allan Poe. I could hear the beat deep inside of me, it was like a constant reminder of how I had wronged Jacob. That day on the beach I saw something break inside of him. It felt like the sun would never shine from within Jacob again and it was all my fault, the guilt was eating me alive and I was willingly signing up for an eternity of feeling this way.

Why me?

Why did the beautiful Edward pick me over all others?

Why did Jacob choose to shine his light on me?

I can't help to think if they had just picked someone else, someone who was worthy of their love then none of this would have happened. People had been hurt and killed and it was all because I was not worthy.

Despite how enlightened I was of my own faults and short comings I was still set to marry one of these amazing men while craving the one that was absent.

Would it always be this way? Would I always feel like a piece of me was missing no matter which one I chose, was that what I was destined to morn in my new life? Not the children I would never have or the soul that I didn't believe would be absent but the people I would leave behind?

I had barely slept since the day on the beach, every time my eyes closed all I could envision was the look in Jake's face as I watched the sun set in his eyes, casting me in shadow. I never knew my words could be so powerful, if I had known they were such a deadly weapon I would have used them more wisely.

Edward shifted gears on his Volvo bringing the car to its maximum speed. "You know love," he placed his hand back on my knee, the cold from his ice like skin penetrated thought the cloth of my jeans. "We don't have to tell Charlie today."

I tried to put as much enthusiasm in my voice as my over tired brain could muster, "No Edward, we'll do it today. It's better to get it over and done with." I felt Edward watching me, his eyes seemed to hardly look at the road. Sometimes I envied his supernatural reflexes.

"As long as you're sure?"

"I am," I smiled at Edward and took his stone cold hand in mine, I looked down at the ring on my finger and I suddenly felt overwhelmed by the weight. I began to feel a wave of panic start to rise up within my stomach, the closer we got to Charlies the bigger the wave got.

Edward pulled into the driveway and parked behind Charlies car, I tried to swallow past the wave, I started to choke on the panic, I couldn't breathe, my heart was thundering in my chest.

"Bella, love, calm down." Edward took my face between hands, his cool skin and golden eyes should have been soothing, instead I felt my consciences start to slip away, I was going to pass out.

"Bella, take a deep breath for me. Can you do that for me love?"

I nodded, his cold hands sliding along my skin, I felt the vampire scented air flood back into my lungs, it wasn't soothing. It burned.

"Bella we're not doing this."

I panicked, I griped his wrists holding his hands to my face. "No Edward I love you."

Edward placed a gentle kiss on my lips, "I know Bella, we are not going to do this until you can talk about it without hyperventilating." Edward leaned forward, resting his forehead on mine.

I felt the water that had been threatening to overwhelm me start to receded, "Please, please don't be mad at me Edward."

"Bella I'm not mad at you, no matter what, I promise I won't be mad at you."

"Edward I... I need time." I watched the hurt in Edward's eyes and it pained me. "I need time to tell Charlie."

"It's okay love, I understand. Why don't I give you some time alone with Charlie? He's been missing you lately, he knows something has been happening in your life but he is, of cause unsure of what. Spend some time with him and put his mind at ease. It will make the coming announcement easier on him."

"Okay," My voice was just above a whisper.

Edward smiled at me, it was the saddest smile I had ever seen. "Come on, I'll walk you to your door."

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.-*-.

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When evening came I found myself sitting with my father at the small table in our kitchen, we had hardly spoken since I had arrived home, this kind of silence from Charlie usually meant he was building up to say something.

"This is really good Bells."

I looked up from my half eaten plate of spaghetti, to see that Charlie had already finished his plate. "Do you want the rest of mine? I'm not hungry."

"Well only if you're not going to eat it. Can't have good food going to waist."

I silently push my plate towards Charlie, I watched him finish my plate and then push it away from him, patting his flannel covered stomach in appreciation.

"Bella we need to talk."

I took in a lung full of air, I knew this had been coming, I should have fled the kitchen while I had the chance. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I haven't seen Jacob around lately." Charlie tried to make the comment casual, like he was talking about the weather.

I tried my best to mimic his casual tone, "Yeah he must be busy or something." I looked down, my fingers playing with the wolf charm Jake had given me.

"Bella that boy is a lot of things, but he is never too busy to see you, unless of cause you don't want to see him?"

"No Dad! I want to see Jake. Don't you know what he means to me?"

"No Bella, I don't know. You light up when Jacob is near you, you seem so at ease when he is near and yet you are with Edward." For a man who is oblivious about so much of my life he is amazing perceptive when I don't want him to be.

"I love Edward." My fingers still playing with Jake's charm, the crystal heart Edward gave me sparkled in the dull light of the kitchen.

"You love Jake as well."

Charlie is a man of few words but when he needs to, he knows just how to make those few words really count. I started to tell Charlie he was wrong, that I didn't love Jake but the worlds stuck in my throat. I felt my eyes start to burn and a lump formed in the back of my throat. "I know."

"So you love them both?"

I don't know why having the question asked out loud, froze me. It sounded so wrong. How can you be in love with more than one person at a time?

I think my Dad realised I was lost for words because he started talking, instead of waiting for my answer.

"Bella, I'm not going to tell you who to pick and I'll support you not matter the choice you make," my Dad paused, "Even if it's Edward."

I looked up then, my Dad had never been a fan of Edwards, not that I blamed him. Charlie was forced to form an opinion on less than half the information and the information he did have access to was not favorable towards Edward. Then again I don't think many fathers would be happy with their daughters falling in love a man who was one hundred years her senior… and a vampire.

"I want you to make sure you have really thought about it, as much as we want it to love doesn't solve all your problems."

I nodded, hot tears spilling down my cheeks, love seemed to have created so many problems. I know loving them both was harming them, it was tearing me apart just as much.

I think my tear were making my Dad uncomfortable, because he got up from the table, collected the dishes and made his way to the sink. I hadn't seen him do the dishes since I had a stomach flu. For the second time tonight I let the opportunity to leave the kitchen slip through my fingers. I was ether slow tonight or I actually wanted to hear what my Dad had to say.

So I sat watching Charlie rinse the dashers and stack them into the dish washer while he spoke.

"You're Mom and I did love each other or we would never have gotten married." This was not what I had expected Charlie to say. He never really about when he and Renee were together, I think it was still too painful for him, even after all these years, I think he still loved her.

"We were young and we thought being in love would make up for our difference. We didn't understand..." Charlie shook his head and looked down at the sink, "What a mistake it was." This was the most I had heard him talk about anything other than sport or fishing and I had only ever heard him get this emotional over the Mariners and Seahawks.

"For your Mom and I to make it work, we would have had to give up too much of ourselves. If your mom had stayed she would have given up the part of her that is crazy and unpredictable and for me to go with you and your Mom I would have had to give up Fork's."

I had never really thought about what it would have taken for my parents to work out and stay together. Growing up I had never had the fantasy of my parents reconciling and that we would be a happy family again. I don't remember us living together as a family and I had just assumed my parents had fallen out of love. Sitting hear listening to Charlie I realised for the first time that it was not a lack of love that cause my parent to separate but that love was not enough.

My mother was a restless soul, she never liked to stay still for long. She loved the thrill of learning something new or moving to new places. As for Charlie, Forks wasn't just his home, it was part of who he is. The town, the people and the surrounding area were just as an important part of Charlie as his brain or his heart.

Finally my Dad looked at me, he looked tired, as if this talk was using up all of his energy. "What I'm trying to say is, if you have to stop being who you are, just to be with someone then it won't last. No matter how much you want it to." Charlie dried his hands on the dishcloth and started to make his way out of the kitchen, as he passed me, he clamped his hand on my shoulder. "But even from your biggest mistakes the most amazing things can happen." He lent down and kissed my head, "I love you Bells."

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.-*-.

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After my talk with Charlie I needed to clear my head, I convinced him that a walk down the street was just the thing I needed. He reluctantly agreed after making me promise not to wonder any further than a few blocks and he had given me his torch, the one that could be used as a baton and can be ran over by a truck and still work.

I walked down the street a few yards, it didn't feel right. I needed privacy, I needed to feel more secluded than the vacant streets of Forks could offer at night.

I made my way into the forest instantly feeling more focused, without houses and the occasional passing car to distract me.

After I stumbled over a tree root for the first time, I switched on the torch Charlie had given me, grateful he had been so annoyingly paranoid. I carefully followed the path the torch cut out for me in the dark. The further I walked the more familiar things began to look, it seemed I had found my way onto the same path Edward had lead me down that fateful day over a year ago.

I loved Edward, more than I ever thought possible, but part of me was still waiting for him to abandon me, for him to realise I was nothing special, just a fascinating subject to be studied and mastered. Even if Edward was able to find the words to make me feel secure within his love, it would not solve my problem, it would not make me feel any less for Jacob, or make my decision any clearer.

Charlie was right love didn't solve everything. If love was enough, I wouldn't be desperately searching for a solution that didn't leave one of them broken. I cared little for the fate of my own heart, I could live without mine, I had done it once, but I could not live with the thought of Edward spending the rest of his days thinking he was not worthy of love. Or worse ending his days prematurely. The very thought of Edward not existing made me shiver more than the cold air ever could.

Then more of my father's words came back to me, if you have to give up who you are to be with someone it won't last.

When my father described the sacrifices he and Renee would have had to of made, he was talking about them having to give up something vital to what made them who they are. If they had given up those parts of themselves there would have been nothing left to love except a shell.

If I picked the wrong person did I risk one or both of us becoming shells? Smooth, shiny and empty of meaning.

I knew Jacob was young and that he would move on, but I had this feeling he would always look back at me, at what we could have had and feel regret. If I took the final step like I planned and became a vampire, Jacob would feel that I was dead and I knew he would feel responsible for my death. I think my choices would kill something inside of Jacob and I knew his light would never shine so bright. I didn't understand why I was so important to his happiness, when I looked in the mirror I saw nothing worth holding onto. Nothing worthy of the kind of love he gave me.

Maybe that's where I was going wrong, I kept looking at what would make Jacob or Edward happy, maybe I needed to work out what would make me happy. I had been so focused on everyone else for so long I didn't even know where to start with what would make me happy. It just seemed so terribly shellfish of me to think of myself first. So I asked myself what would I have to give up if I picked Edward?

Any decision I made to be with Edward was a permanent one. Staying human and growing old while Edward stayed frozen in time was not an option. And whilst I could divorce the man, I would never be able to divorce being a vampire. I would never get back my beating heart, I would have to leave my friends and family, making them believe I was dead. I would watch them from a distance as they mourned me and then I would have to watch as they grew old and die, leaving me alone. Was my mortality that big a part of myself that if I were to loss it, I would no longer be me?

Then there was Jake, my sun. I loved him, it wasn't the same way I loved Edward. Was the difference I felt a good thing or a bad thing? Just because I loved Jake differently did it mean I loved him less?

If I picked Jake what did I have to give up? The answer was nothing except Edward, now all I had to figure out how vital of a part Edward was in me. He had been the most important factor in all of the decisions I had been making for over a year, it was hard to separate myself from him.

"Didn't anyone tell you it's not safe in the woods at night," I jumped at the sound of Jake's voice. I looked up just as he stepped into the moonlight clearing I was sitting in. He was wearing his usual cut off sweats, he didn't look happy to see me as he kept speaking, "There are dangerous animals in these parts."

Despite the coldness in Jake's voice I found myself so happy to see him, I ran across the clearing and throw myself into his arms. "Oh Jake! What are you doing here? When did you get back?"

Jacob wrapped his arms around me, just like always. I breathed his sent in deep, it was richer woodsier than normal. It must be from him being in wolf form for so long.

"I was on my way home when I smelled you."

"Oh," I was reluctant to leave Jake's arm's I hadn't realised how cold it had gotten.

Jake pulled back slightly, he kept me in his arms but now we could see each others faces. "Oh is all you have to say? Most people would find it weird that I smelled them."

"I'm not most people."

"That's for sure," Jacob tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear. My skin burned where he had touched me. "Most people don't go out into the forest, alone, at night when it's cold."

"I know," I blushed, I knew it was reckless of me to be out here at night and I even felt guilty that I had not be able to keep my promise to Charlie about not roaming to far from the house. "I needed time to think and clear my head."

"Well I hope your head is nice and clear because I'm taking to back to Charlies."

"No, Jake!" I felt desperate, I hadn't had enough time to think yet, and Edward said he would be coming over and I couldn't think with him close to me. "Stay with me here a little longer?"

"Bella it's freezing out here." Jacob looked at me like I was a child.

"You can keep me warm Jake."

My voice must have sounded as desperate as I felt, because next thing I knew Jacob lifted me in his arms and carried me over to the fallen tree I had been sitting on. "It's okay Bells we can stay as long as you want."

As Jake sat down on the fallen tree my legs naturally wrapped around his waist, he un-zipped the front of my jacket, I felt the ice cold are penetrate through the remaining layers of clothes I was wearing, Jacob didn't give time for the cold to make me shiver, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed me into his chest.

I felt so warm and safe in Jacob's arms, and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep.

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.-*-.

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I awoke feeling surrounded by heat. From in front of me I could feel the heat radiating off a crackling fire and from behind I could feel the heat of Jacob's muscled body, his arm wrapped around my waist. I sat up, startled that I had fallen asleep, I had no idea how much time had passed.

"It's okay Bella, you've only been asleep for an hour or so."

It amazed me how Jake could read my mind, "Oh God, Charlie must be worried sick."

"It's okay, my Dad called him and said I had found you while you were out for a walk and that we are talking."

I looked a Jacob confused, "When did you speak to Billy."

"I haven't, Seth did. Seth is also the one who help build the fire and brought a couple of blankets."

I looked down and realised for the first time I wasn't laying on the forest floor, but on what appeared to be one of the blankets that lived in Jake's garage.

"Seth's a good kid."

"Yeah he is." Jake propped himself up on one arm, the arm he had around my waist automatically flexed. I looked down and noticed my shirt had ridden up and his arm was resting on my bear skin, making his skin looked darker when compared to my paleness.

"You were talking in your sleep again."

I longed for the day when I would no longer have this embarrassing habit, but I was starting to fear it was something that would be with me for the rest of my life, unless, of cause, I marry Edward and become a vampire.

Jacob's hand moved from my waist and stroked my face, "Don't be embraced." I think Jake was waiting for me to push him away, it was only when I relaxed into his touch that he spoke again. "You know I have a theory as to why you talk in your sleep."

"Great, tell me your theory, oh wise one."

"You bottle things up Bella and things have to come out one way or another. Like me if I get really angry or upset and I don't deal with it, I phase. You talk in your sleep, because you don't talk about stuff when you're awake."

I pulled away from Jake and faced the fire, I drew my knees into my body and rested my head on my knees. "Why do you know me so well?"

"Because I love you." Jake spoke so surely of his love for me. It seemed him saying he loved me was as easy as saying the sky is blue and water is wet.

Jacob sat up and moved himself so close our sides were touching. I rested my head on the swell of his tattooed bicep. "Jake, don't say that."

"Why not? It's true."

"Jake I've picked Edward." I think I said the line out of habit, I didn't really know anymore who to pick.

"No, Bella you're so wrapped up in Edward you can't see anything else."

"I see you."

"No, I don't think you do. I think Edward has you so head blind you can't even see yourself anymore. You don't know where he ends and where you start, he is so far inside of your mind I don't think you're capable of making a decision if doesn't involve him."

Jacob's words echoed my earlier thoughts, but I still felt the need to defend myself, "Jake this isn't a choice for me. I can't help who I love."

"Believe me Bella I know. My life would be so much simpler if I didn't love you. But I do and it's because I love you more than anything that I'm going to say this." He turned so he was looking me right in the eye, "If he is the one thing that will really make you happy, I won't take him away from you. You shouldn't have to give up anything that important to be with me."

Jacob's words were like those of my fathers, if it wasn't for the fact Jacob was inherently honest I would have thought he had been eaves dropping on me all night.

I had asked myself before whether I could live without Edward Cullen, the answer was I had never even tried, not since I had first laid eyes on him. I could not take a breath without thinking of him.

Jacob was right I was so consumed by Edward that I had not allowed myself see anyone or anything else.

Jacob had watched me intently as these thoughts chased across my mind, it was almost like he was reading my thoughts as I had them. In so many ways Jacob was more the mind reader than Edward had ever been with me.

"I don't know how to think or feel without him anymore." I whispered into the night. It frightened me to be questioning everything I had known so surly just weeks before.

Jacob cupped my face in his hands, I closed my eye's reveling in their heat. I must have closed my eyes, because suddenly I found myself opening them and Jacob's face filled my vision.

The fire light made Jacobs skin glow like embers, Jacob licked his lips, he was so close I could feel his warm breath on my face each time he exhaled. "I'll show you."

I was about to ask what he was going to show me, then he kissed my lips and I understood. With one kiss Jacob Black had chased away all thoughts of Edward Cullen.

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.-*-.

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We had been quiet for a while now, the fire had died down but I was still warm despite the fact I was naked in the forest in the middle of the night.

Jake had pulled one of the blankets over us, not that he needed the warmth, but the blanket helped contain his heat, keeping me warm. I was laying on my back staring up at the canopy and glimpsed the starry sky above.

Jacob was running his hands over my body, it wasn't sexual exactly, it was comforting, like it was as natural as anything to be laying naked with Jacob out in the wilderness. I guess for Jake this is natural, he was something elemental after all carved out of the warm pulsing earth and life giving sun, so unlike Edward who was caved of ice and diamonds.

I sat bolt upright, "Oh my God! Edward!" I hadn't given Edward a thought until then. I had just lost my virginity to the man who was not my fiancée. A cold breeze caressed my chest, causing me to look down and I realised I had exposed my naked chest to the night. Edward must be on his way to my house by now and when he found me absent no doubt he would coming looking for me. I couldn't let him find me like this.

I scrambled out from the warm nest Jacob had created and started searching for my clothes. My panicked thoughts were broken by the sound of Jake crying out in rage, I turned in time to see him smash his fist into the nearest tree, wood splinters exploded from around his fist.

He drew back his hand to strike again, "Jake! No!" He turned and faced me, there was just enough fire light for him to seem carved of light and darkness. I understood then the mistake I had made.

"I didn't mean it like that... he... Edward shouldn't have to see me like this. He deserves better."

"He deserves nothing after the way he hurt you."

"You're wrong Jacob. I owe it to him to do this right."

"So are you going to break up with him?"

I looked down then, I knew Jake wouldn't be completely satisfied with the decision I had made. I concentrated on getting dressed while I spoke avoiding Jacob's accusing eyes. "Not exactly, the wedding is off."

Jacob laughed, it wasn't his normal joyful laugh, it was bitter and twisted. I hated that I was the cause of such a laugh. "Bull! The second you get near him, you will forget all about me. Bella I've given you everything. Everything! I have nothing left." I watched as Jake fell to his knees, his tears sparkling in the fire light. It was almost like Jacob was talking to himself, he looked puzzled, "I'm not enough for you, I don't understand."

I walked towards Jake, unsure if he would want me so close, he didn't move as I grew closer, I touched his hair tentatively, then grew bolder when he didn't shy away. His hair was thick and silky warm from the heat of his body.

Jake's hand reached up and moved my hand so I was cupping his cheek. He closed his eyes and rubbed his cheek into me hand, the way a wolf does when it smells something it likes. "Bella this feels so right to me." Jacob opened his eyes and looked at me, in the dying fire light his eye's appeared black. "You can't tell me you don't feel it."

Looking into Jacobs eye's I couldn't lie to him even if it meant hurting Edward. "I feel it Jake."

"Then how can you say you love that leech?"

"I don't know Jake, that's what I'm going to figure out."

Jacob pushed my hand away and stood up, "So you used me?"

"No Jake I didn't use you, or at least not deliberately. I shouldn't have slept with you, and I know sorry is incredibly inadequate but it's all I've got right now."

"So what happens now?"

"I get dressed, go home and talk to Edward. Tell him I need some time and space."

The dread I was feeling must have shown on my face. "I can stay," Jacob said. "If you want, to make sure he doesn't lose it or anything when you tell him."

"No Jake, I need you to not be there."

"Okay." Jake nodded, "You're really going to tell him?" I nodded, "So come to La Push tomorrow, well hang out just like old times."

"Jake I can't, at least not for the moment. I need to figure this out and having the pair of you breathing down my neck isn't going to help."

Jake looked like he wanted to say something but he must have thought better of it, instead he found his pants and pulled them on. Once I was fully clothed, the fire was put out, leaving me standing in the dark feeling more alone than I ever had.

Jake voice came from the darkness, "Come on, I'll walk you home."

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.-*-.

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Jacob didn't say a word to me the whole way home, it had been less than a thirty minuet walk, but it had felt like hours in the uncomfortable silence.

Thankfully Edward was not waiting for me when I got to my room. I needed time to prepare for what was to come and part of the preparation process was to have a shower as soon as possible. I was reluctant to lose the smell of Jake on my skin but knew being covered in his sent would not make the conversation with Edward any easier.

I collected my toiletries was almost at the bathroom door when I felt a cold marble hand on my shoulder. The sensation of his cold skin touching mine was an unwelcomed shock after the heat of Jacob's skin, I hoped Edward put my reaction down to him surprising me and not to the feel of his skin on mine.

"Bella."

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I turned to face Edward and was surprised to see the look of shock on Edwards face.

"What did that dog do to you?" It seemed I was going to be having this conversation a litter sooner than I had hopped, "Edward I'm so sorry."

Edward cupped my face, "Bella, love, why are you apologizing when that mongrel lead you out into the woods and didn't even bother to protect you?"

"Jacob didn't hurt me."

"Not directly but look at you. You're covered in dirt and leaves and all manner of things."

Edward lent forward his amber eyes intent on a place just to the left of my face, I felt a slight tug on my hair, and Edward pulled back reveling a twig that had been caught in my hair.

Edward had once told me after I had spent a lot of time with Jacob his sent all but drowned out my natural smell. The fact Edward was worried about my appearance lead me to the conclusion that he could not smell what Jacob and I had done. Not that I wanted to lie to Edward, I would tell him the truth just not tonight.

"Edward we need to talk."

Edward drew himself away and not just in the physically, his face became blank, I could read nothing about what he was thinking or feeling.

"Can we go to my room?" I could hear Charlie snoring from behind his closed door, the last thing I needed was for Charlie to walk in on this conversation.

Edward nodded, linked his arm in mine and escorted me into my bedroom, where he urged me to sit while he closed the door. Edward joined me on the bed keeping a careful distance between us. I didn't want that distance. I wrapped myself around his marble like body and pressed my face into his neck. I breathed in his sent and with my lips against his neck I spoke, "I love you."

I jumped at the sound of a howl piercing the night.

Jacob had been listening, even when I had asked him not to and now he had misunderstood what I was saying. I ran to my window and called out his name. "Jacob!"

Edward was by my side pulling me away from the window, "Bella you will wake Charlie."

"I don't care, he shouldn't have been listening in and now he doesn't understand." Edward let me break free from his grip, I ran down the stairs, not caring if I woke Charlie, or that I was about to run out into the night in nothing but my dressing gown. When I made it to the door I found Edward barring my way.

"Bella, give him time, he'll be back when he cools down." Edward could see my reluctance, "Please Bella, for me?"

How could I deny Edward such a simple request? And besides he was right, Jacob would be back once he cools down and I told him I needed time alone with Edward, it's not my fault he couldn't respect my wishes.

I nodded and allowed Edward to lead me back up the stairs, past a still snoring Charlie and into my room. I walked over to my bedroom window and looked out into the night, wondering why Jake hadn't done as I had asked him.

"I don't know where to begin."

"Bella all I care about is you. I want you happy more than anything else and I don't think I can make you happy anymore can I?"

Edward, ever the gentleman had fallen on the sword I was welding instead of making me drive it through him.

"Honestly, I don't know anymore." I felt the tear already running down my face.

"That's an answer within itself." I looked up at Edwards face, it was still cold and unreadable.

"No it's not, I'm not sure anymore who can make me happy and that's why I can't marry you, or at least not yet."

"So are you planning on dating us both?"

"No," the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. "Charlie said I shouldn't pick until I'm sure and that's just what I'm going to do. I need time. I think if I made a decision now I will spend the rest of my life wondering what if."

"Do you need anything from me?"

I took the ring Edward gave from its hiding place on my bookshelf and placed it in his hand and gently closed his fingers over it. "I need you to not disappear on me, I couldn't take it again if you walked away from me again."

"Bella I promise, I will never leave you like that again. If you need me I will always be here for you."

I clutched Edward's hands in mine, tears running down my face, "Thank you."

.

.-*-.

.

I thought of nothing, nothing but the feel of the wind as it pass through my fur, my flexing muscles carrying me away as fast as I could go, if Leah was here I'm sure she would be eating my dust. As fast as I was moving it wasn't fast enough, I could feel the pain gaining on me, I could feel the ozone in the air like a storm was coming. I could hear the thunder of her words, the rumble grew louder as they approached, her musical voice becoming a rumbling baritone.

I shook my head trying to clear the sound of the thunder. I closed my eyes, I could see Bella below me. Her skin was flushed not with embarrassment but with exertion. And after she had laid naked next to me under the blanket, I used my body to shield one of her sides from the cold, the fire kept the cold at bay from the other side. I had been running one hand over her body, touching every part of her I could, amazed at how silky and soft her skin felt.

No, I did not want to relive the moment.

I ran harder, hoping to find enough speed to keep ahead of the storm. This storm was nothing physical, there was no shelter that could protect me from the hounding winds and pouring rain.

This storm was brewing within me and no one could save me from myself.

I could hear the pack inside my head, calling to me, trying to get my attention but it just angered me more. They were all talking at the same time I couldn't distinguish one thought from the other. Didn't they get it? There was nothing they could say or do to make this pain go away let alone feel better. There was only one person who had the power and right now I hoped to never see her again.

I can't even bring myself to say her name, the big, freakishly strong werewolf that I am, is scared of the pain that saying her name will bring to me, I'm sure I could not survive it.

Sam's voice cut through my thoughts. "I've told everyone to phase back Jake, I'm giving you the peace I can."

I grunted acknowledgement at Sam, I knew Sam wanted me to talk to him, express my feelings and all that crap but it wasn't going to happen. There was nothing I could say that would make this hurt less.

"Okay Jake I'll leave you to it then."

Even in my desire to wallow in my pain I still found enough compassion to ask Sam a question. "Sam, could you make sure my dad's looked after?"

"You know you don't have to ask."

I hated the sound of sympathy in his voice and found myself answering automatically, "Thank you."

I felt Sam phase back and I stopped thinking again and concentrated on the feel of the earth beneath my paws, soon I was blissfully alone in my own head.

.

.-*-.

.

I don't know how much time had passed, I drank when I was thirsty, ate when I was hungry and slept when I was tired. Thankfully things must be quite back home, I rarely heard more than two or three voices in my head at the same time, it was easy to ignore them.

I had just taken down a large deer, I loved the feel of my teeth slicing through the warm, wet flesh. I lapped at the blood that coated my fur. Suddenly my head exploded with noise, I felt like the whole pack had phased at once, their thoughts were so loud I couldn't distinguish one voice from the other.

Suddenly Sam's Alpha voice thundered over everyone else's, "Everyone but Jake back in human form now!"

"But Sam..."

"Now Embry!"

Once all the voices cleared Sam spoke, "Jake... Jacob you need to come home."

"Why is something wrong with my Dad?" I could feel my heart rate increase.

"No, your Dad's fine."

"Is La Push under threat?" This was not what I really wanted to know, I couldn't bring myself to ask what I really wanted to know. I couldn't ask about her.

"No..."

I cut Sam off not caring if I was being rude or not, I was sure what he was going to tell me and I didn't want to hear it. "Then there is nothing you can say to me that can make me want to come home."

I could feel Sam flinch at the bitterness in my voice, "Jake there are some things better heard in person."

I scoffed, "Sam you're a voice inside my head, you can't get any more personal than this."

"Jake it's not my place to say, you need to come home." Sam's voice filled with the timber of being Alpha, "Now!"

I felt my body turn in the direction of home against my will, I was not ready to go back home, I wasn't ready to hear that she was now carved of ice cold marble.

"No," I felt the shackles of Sam being my Alpha start to rattle.

"Jake I'm not kidding."

"Nether am I Sam." I shook myself and felt the chains of enslavement fall away. "I'm not ready to come home and you can't make me."

"Jacob Black come home now!"

This time when I spoke it was with the sound of Alpha resonating in it. "No Sam Uley, Jacob Black will no longer listen to your orders." I turned back away from home and started running, leaving my fresh kill on the ground.

"Jake, please, you'll regret this."

"No I won't." I turned my back on La Push, blocking Sam from my thoughts.

The thought of her skin glistening in the sun light and how she would now smell sickly sweet, made me feel ill. The further north I travelled the colder I felt, I may not be able to be with her physically, but I could share her fate.

The sun inside of me had set, my heart grew cold and hard like stone.