What did you just say?
I had once sworn to myself that I would only love my mother, father, and sister. Maybe some people who were like family, but never the less, this was before the Games. This was before I volunteered for my sister at the reaping. This was before I kissed him, and felt something bigger than me take over. This was before I never thought about anything but what was for dinner that night, and how I was going to get it. This was before I knew I had someone who loved me. This was before I fell hard and fast for the boy with the bread.
"I love you too, Katniss." Peeta's voice rang through my brain. I had to be dreaming. I would never admit that to anyone. Okay, probably Prim, but she isn't here.
And then it hits me. I do love Peeta. I loved this boy who had done everything for me. The boy with curious blue eyes. And the prettiest blonde hair. With the heart of an angel. The boy who would have given anything for me. The girl who denied any feelings for him.
There was an acute silence. You could hear a pin drop. Slow, remember?
"I still want to… not go too far. For my sake, and yours." So, no kissing? This was going to be harder than I thought.
"I understand. I do too."
"Good. Now, lets go to the market. On our 'official' first date." He takes my hand in his and we walk out into the yard. I glance back to the flowers, but my eyes only stray there for seconds. Peeta's hand fit perfectly into mine. We weren't pretending this time. I didn't need to know when there was a camera around. Peeta was all I needed to get back to reality. He was my sweet escape. And, more than likely, my one and only.
The smell of the market interrupted my thoughts. Peeta and I walked through the aisles, and tried to look beyond the wheel barrels that still dotted the outskirts. Many people who lived in 12 before the bombing are back, along with a couple of families from 13. These men and women who already respected me do so even more, especially when I'm with Peeta. After all, we did give them the wings to rebellion. We ignited the blaze sent onto Snow. But at least I got Peeta back. Maybe not mentally, but we were working on that.
"So how about that tea?" I ask.
"The capitol came up with these things called 'tea bags'. They're individualized tea packets that you just soak in water. Haymitch showed me them." Haymitch. I hadn't talked to him in a while.
"Sound good?"
"Yeah." Our hands were still intertwined, and I finally felt like we used to. He grabs some yeast, tea bags, and a cantaloupe. We broke apart when I get some milk, cheese, and eggs. We pay Micah, a man from 13, and walk back to the village.
As we enter the backdoor to my house, Greasy Sae's back. Hovering over Peeta's soup.
"Like my invention?" asks Peeta. She turns around and smiles.
"Sure, boy," she says sarcastically. "All you had to do was snoop around. And look at Katniss. You have her acting like a school girl." I shoot her a look, and Peeta chuckles.
"Do you need anything else, Sae?" I ask, hoping she leaves.
"Oh no. I was just checking to see if you actually found yourself again."
"Okay. So, when is Haymitch coming back?" Peeta inquires. Coming back? Since when was he gone?
"Three days. He wanted me to call him once she got out of her stupor."
"Where is he?" They both look at me.
"The Capitol. Defending you."
"With Effie," Peeta adds.
"Well, I should get going. Annabelle gets out of school soon."
"See you later, Sae," he says.
"Bye Peeta. Bye Katniss." And she's gone. Peeta heads toward the refrigerator and pulls out the dough bowl.
"Let's make some cheese buns," he says happily. He looks at me, then asks, "What's wrong?"
"Haymitch. I thought he was here."
"He left this morning." And no goodbye to me? "He wanted to wake you, but I said that you were sleeping well. And he told me not to tell you about it. So you wouldn't get upset."
"Okay." And we made cheese buns. A lot of them. I actually laughed. And there were no more flashbacks. We talked, caught up, and even discussed dinner. It was a date, that lasted all day. How I couldn't wait for this day to end…
Peeta spooned the white, creamy chowder into bowls, adding the biscuit on top. Billows of steam come up as he walks to the table. Peeta sat down and took a spoonful.
"On three?"
We're back in the wooded arena. Peeta's back is against mine, our free hands clasping together. My heart is racing. I say a silent goodbye to my mother, Prim, and Gale.
"One," he begins.
"Two," I say.
"Three," he murmurs. I shove the nightlock filled hand up to my mouth.
"Stop! Stop!" Claudius Templesmith yells. "Ladies and gentleman, I give you the winners of the 74th Annual Hunger Games. The tributes, of District 12." Peeta turns around and smiles at me.
"Katniss?" I come out of the arena to find myself sitting in front of Peeta. Worry fills his eyes. No blood. No nightlock. No arena. "Are you alright?"
"Yes. I just, I, uhh.." What just happened?
"The arena?" he asks. So he does remember. He pulls out a chair next to me, and sits down. His hand runs down the side of my face, coming to rest when he grabs my hand.
"Yes." I feel my heart racing again, but not because I am about to commit suicide. Because I am staring into Peeta's eyes. So much for going "slow". I rest my head against his shoulder. He smells like flour. And paint still remains on his shirt.
"Peeta, I'm sorry." I just had a flashback. Now I know what he feels like. Isolated. Fearful. Disorientated. "I know what it's like."
"Don't worry. Let's just eat. And then we'll pack, and you'll stay at my house." His hands traveled along my spine. Making my whole body tingle. "Does that sound good?"
"Yes. Thanks, Peeta, for everything."
"No need. Now let's try this. It did take me a while."
"Okay." We eat the soup. And it is delicious.
Afterwards, I pack up my toothbrush, comb, and a change of clothes for tomorrow. The sun is barely just lowering when I walk over to Peeta's house maybe a little to excitedly. Because when I knock, I'm disappointed when he doesn't answer right away. He answers about five seconds later, paint on his pants.
"Am I interrupting something?" I ask, as he opens the door wider. I walk in and he shakes his head.
"No, I was just mixing some paints."
"Oh, okay, well, where can I put these?" I hold up my bag.
"Up in my room. And if you want to change now, you can. I planned on watching the sunset."
"Shoot! I forgot my pajama's. I can run back-"
"No worries. You can borrow some of mine." I smile.
"Okay," I reply. We walk upstairs and he hands me a shirt. One I wore on the train ride to the Quarter Quell. "Where'd you get this from?"
"I found it in my stuff Haymitch gave me when I came back. I assumed it was yours."
"Yeah, it was. Thanks for saving it."
"Katniss, you don't have to thank me for everything."
"But I do. Because I am very grateful to have you here."
"Alright. My bathroom is down the hall."
I strip my clothes off, and pull on the shirt. It once fit me perfectly, now it hangs around my ribs. I haven't been eating. I turn side ways. The shirt hangs just above my mid-thigh. I am so naked in this. I am about to put on my pants when I hear a soft knock on the door.
"Katniss?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you want another shirt? I could run to your house really quickly if you want…"
"No, I'm fine. Just give me a minute, okay?"
"Alright." I hear him walk away, and shut his bedroom door. I study myself in the mirror. I don't recognize the girl looking back at me. She seems hollow. Her eyes filled with fear. But of what? I knew Peeta would never hurt me. I just felt so unlike myself wearing this. Maybe I should go back. Stop being coward, a voice hassles. It's just Peeta.
Before I know it, I am turning the doorknob, and striding to Peeta's room. I knock on the door, and he answers, wearing just some sweatpants. I sigh.
"Are you tired?" he asks so nonchalantly. I cannot focus with a half bare man in front of me. Acting so casual.
"Can you make me some tea?" I feel mad at myself for making him do all the work so I add, "Or I can, if you want."
"Actually, Effie sent me some hot chocolate yesterday. Would you like some?"
"Oh, yes, please." I follow him downstairs and he starts to heat up some milk on the stove. "Do you remember those mornings on the train?" he asks.
"Yeah." We would dip our rolls into the hot chocolate. Every morning.
"Do you know when I figured out I really loved you?" I stop breathing. When I don't answer, he tells me. "When we were talking on the roof before the Games. Before, I had mixed feelings. I didn't know what love actually was until that night. The way you were defiant, toward everything. I knew, right then, that you were the one." I still don't answer. When did I figure out I loved him? I didn't even realize how much he had meant to me until I almost lost him.
"I figured out I loved you when we kissed. That night on the beach. I felt this thing inside of me. Like there was a fire spreading out to my whole body. I never wanted it to end." He just looks at me. "I had only felt like that once before. In the first Games. When we were in the cave. And I just gave you your medicine. Then I realized that maybe it wasn't just for show.""It was never just for show. I honestly loved you."
"I think I did too, just I was afraid to feel like that toward anyone. Especially when I know he would want children. But I couldn't take that risk."
"I know." The milk is steaming now and he pours it into two mugs, then carefully adds the brown powder. Peeta stirs it all in, then hands me a mug. We sit on the couch, in front of the fireplace, and I drain my cup without noticing. Apparently Peeta has too, because he takes my cup and puts it in the sink. We trudge up the stairs and get into bed. I face him, staring into his eyes. At one point, he brushes back a stray hair behind me ear. And I brush his blonde hair away from his eyes. And eventually, we fall asleep, facing each other, our hands resting on the other's jaw.
That's when I become aware that I have fallen hard, and fast, for my boy with the bread.