I don't think I can move. I feel sick, mostly I feel sick and I don't know… something else. Relief? Maybe? Maybe something else?

I need to get my breathing in check. I know the angrier I got, the more words that came from my mouth, the heavier my breathing but now… his words. The words I have needed… waited for, they took my breath away along with my stomach. Now I am struggling to regain some kind of composure, regain my regular breathing.

I swallow. Finally. But there is that dryness I need to swallow. Mick. I need to call Mick. I take a steadier breath in and exhale. Shirley. She hasn't moved. Mick.

"L! Where are ya?"

"Mick… I need you to come over."

"L? You ok? Where are you babe?"

"Mick just come over to Dean's… quick. Shirley…" I am struggling to get my words out. Am not even sure what it is I want to say. All I know is that I want Mick.

"We'll be there in a sec Baby… I'm coming, it's okay."

He hangs up but it takes a few moments before I realise I can put my phone down. It clatters onto the table. The most noise there has been in while. I see Shirley jump out of the corner of my eye.

"Say something" It's barely a whisper. I swallow. She hasn't moved. Hasn't spoken.

"Shirley! Say something!" It dawns on me. I am remembering what was being said before he admitted it. The bathroom. They were both wet. A full bath. She'd tried to kill him. That's what he said.

"Shirley please." I know it sounds like I'm pleading and honestly I am. Was any of it real? Was it really that simple for him to admit to what he did? After all this time. After denying it for over a year. It doesn't seem so simple. I need someone to confirm that he did admit it. That Dean finally admitted to raping me. I need Shirley to tell me that is what he said.

She looks at me. Finally. Her eyes are glazed. She looks dazed. I wonder if I look half as out of it as her.

"Please." I feel the wetness on my cheek. I feel my lip tremble. The lump is back. Oh god. He…he….

"I'm sorry…" it's a whisper. Yet in this room, it is so loud. So very loud. My breathing… I cannot control it. The tears… I cannot stop them. I need… I can barely breath… I just… I need some air. A deep breath. That's what they say. I need to take a deep breath. I'm trying… I can't….

"Linda… It's ok… calm down…"

I'm going to be sick.

The door slams downstairs. I jump. I See Shirley jump. Or do I feel it? She's stood in front of me now. Clutching my arms.

Buster comes into view first, then Tina and finally Mick. Mick. I don't know when Shirley let go of my arms but Mick is stood in front of me now.

"Mick…"

"Did he touch ya?" I cannot get any words out… God I cannot catch my own breath.

"He… He…"

"L! Did he hurt you?" I shake my head and I need a minute. I wipe at my eyes. My vision is blurry. I want the blurriness gone. I think I am going to be sick. I cover my mouth. Oh… my hands are shaking.

"He admitted it." Mick turns away from me to look at Shirley. Buster has a hand on her shoulder as she leans forward with her hands on her nears. She's ghostly white. Maybe she's going to be sick too.

"What?" Tina and Mick ask, almost as if they'd rehearsed the timing.

"He raped her… I… He was… Roxy… He was trying…. I walked in… He said… He raped her." He words are jumbled. She gestures to me in the end. Mick's looking at me again. I think everyone is but I am only looking at Mick. I think I want to smile. But I cannot stop crying. The relief. Oh god. He admitted it. Finally. It's no longer my word against his if he admitted it.

"Baby!" Mick hugs me. I hug him. He holds me tight and all I can do is hold on. Relief.

Relief.

Relief.

I can breathe.

~~~~~EE~~~~~~

"What do you mean he left? Where did he go?" Mick's angry. He's looking for a fight. Another fight.

"Mick…" I try to intervene.

"Where did he go?!" He yells but not at me. I don't think at anyone in particular.

"I'm sorry son." Buster looks from me to Mick. I am sat down now. Finally stopped crying. I am tired. I want to go home. Tina hasn't said much and Shirley is a mute again.

"Sorry? Why are you apologising to me? It's Linda you should be apologising to. It's her you've been calling a liar all this time. And Roxy what about Roxy. I'll end him!"

"Good riddance. He can get as far away as he can..." The conversation becomes a background noise.

Relief.

No. Where's the justice if he runs? For me? For Roxy.

Roxy. She must be done by now. How long was I in there for? I can't remember. Why can't I remember? I told her it would be okay, that the hard part was over. How much time has passed since then and now? How long have I been sat here? I look around at Mick's family… family. They haven't stood by us over the last year. Will they now? Now they know. Will Shirley go to the police?

"Mick" He looks at me.

"Mick I want to go home. Please… please." He nods. Relief. I just want to go home. Go to bed. Sleep.

~~~~~~~EE~~~~~~~

I took myself into Mick's side. He's so warm. Always so warm. We cross the square, the most direct route to the Vic. My phone rings. Mum. Mick takes it from me. Answers. He is brief. He says yes a few times. A no.

"Baby… Your Mum is bringing Roxy back with her. Said she can sleep on the sofa." I nod. Safe. That's what she needs to feel. What I need to feel when…

We walk through the front doors. It is quiet. I finally look for the time… 12:30… where did the time go? The last few stragglers are finishing up while Tracy is clearing up around them. Nancy and Lee hovering at the bar looking like they are tidying. I force a smile. To ward off their worried faces.

"Nancy take your Mum upstairs, make her a cup of tea… Me and Lee will finish up down here and lock up."

He speaks to Tracey as we start up the stairs. He is telling her she can leave early. Now. He's telling Lee to leave everything and that they are going to check all the doors are locked and everyone has left.

~~~~~~EE~~~~~~

"I'm just going to get changed Nance, get out of these clothes." I smile, a little forced but I do mean it.

"Mum? You ok?" She's worried.

"Yeah baby, just let me…" I shut my bedroom door behind me. Lean against it. Relief. It holds me up for a moment. Nighty, dressing gown, slippers. I can hear Nancy switch on the kettle. Get the cups ready. I hear the cupboard door open and the lid popping off the tea container. I dress. Relief.

~~~~~~EE~~~~~~~

"Mum? What's happened?" She hands me my cup. Camomile. I breathe in the smell. I smile.

"Dean… he…Come sit down Nance" I make my way to the living room knowing she has followed. I sit. She sits next to me.

"He admitted it Nancy, Dean finally admitted to… to rapping me." I don't think I will ever be comfortable saying those words, not in front of my children. To my children. I smile. Relief. Oh the relief. A smile covers Nancy's face. I can see the relief there too, but it gives way to a frown.

"Why now? After all this time? It's been over a year Mum."

"Shirley… he… she caught him while he was trying to force Roxy… it's fine, she's fine he didn't. She's at the police station giving a statement." I explain before she can interrupt.

"Anyways, I went over to see Shirley, I didn't have a good feeling. They'd been fighting. He hit her. His own mother. He was so angry. Threatened to kill her and we were arguing. He admitted it. I don't think he meant to. But he did… in front of Shirley." He admitted it. I sink back into the sofa as Mick comes through the door. I smile up at him. Genuine.

Relief.

Thanks for reading. X