Ch.2 A Close Call

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James POV

The slamming of the apartment door and the of "Hey James" woke me up from my -for once-peaceful slumber. I lifted my head and gave Carlos, Kendall, and Logan a forced grin as they sat down on the neon colored couch. "You missed a great session James! Gustavo actually complimented us!" Carlos said with a huge ear-to-ear grin on his face and excitement and happiness in his eyes. An emotion my body, mind, and soul had long lost. But, of course I just force a grin and keep the depressing feelings bottled up inside. I don't want to be even more of a burden to my friends than I already am.

"That's awesome." I said, forcing my grin to grow wider. "I'm gonna go down to the pool you guys coming?" Kendall asked. "Sure." Logan answered. "Yeah ." Carlos answered. When they were about to step out the door Kendall looked back at me and asked "You coming James?" I shook my head and said "I don't feel like going down to the pool , you guys go ahead I'm just gonna do some homework." "Okay see you later." Logan said as they walked out into the hall shutting the door behind them.

I did homework for half an hour and finished it. I tried watching TV, I tried looking through my head shots, I tried reading. But I still kept getting the feeling to go into the bathroom and make several more cuts on my arms. And there's little voice in the back of my head saying my friends don't care about me. Another voice is saying to make another cut. I keep hearing those voices over and over.

Then slowly my body raises from the couch. I'm not even aware of it as I walk towards the bathroom and shut the door. It's like my body is on autopilot as I get out the razor dried blood on it showing what I use it for. I slowly lower the blade to my arm and press down and run the knife my arm about an inch. Blood starts seeping out of the cut and falls to the the floor in droplets staing the bright white tile. I stare at the cut for ten minutes before I get a towel and wipe up the blood from the floor. But I don't clean the cut, I just sit on the tile floor and watch the blood seep out of the wound.

A few tears make there way down my face before I can stop them. But instead of sobbing again I just wipe away the tears and suffer in silence. I'm used to it, I do it every day. I may seem happy and full of energy around my friends but that's all a facade, a mask. It's not the real me. But people like the mask better than the real me. I want to tell them about my cutting problem, but those little voices in the back of my head keep stopping me from telling them. They say my friends will be mad if I tell them, that they'll throw me out of the apartment, that they won't accept me, that...I'll be even more of a burden than I already am.

The door opening and shutting pulls me from my thoughts. I hear my friends voices and hurry to hide the razor. I hide the razor, wipe the blood from my arm, and hide the towel. I get a new wrist band on my wrist and pull down my sleeve, the door opening and Logan walking in just when I have the sleeve rolled back down. "Hey James you styling your hair again." Logan says with a teasing smile. "Yeah." I say and force a grin. I walk past Logan and out of the bathroom. I see Kendall and Carlos on the couch watching hockey. I walk past the brightly colored couch and into the room Kendall and I share. I close the door lean against the door an sink down to the floor. I bury my head between my knees and grab my hair with my fists.

"That was too close of a call they almost found out." I whisper. "We don't want that to happen remember you'll just be more of a burden to them if they find out. If they find out they'll hate you." the voice at the back of my head says cruelly. A single tear rolls down my face at those words. 'Would they really hate me if they found out …...yes they would because I would become even more of a burden to them, just an annoying little burden they want to get rid of.' I think and more tears silently falling down my face. I slowly stand up and look at the clock and see it reads 11:00. I walk slowly towards the dresser and change into my pajamas. I walk to the bed and literally fall into it and pull the covers up to my face to hide my tears.

I pretend to be asleep when Kendall walks in and goes to bed. I wait till I hear his steady breathing indicating that he's asleep. Then I start sobbing. I end crying myself into a sleep plagued with nightmares about my friends finding out about my cutting problem.