As the last shadows of dusk faded, we crossed into D'Hara. Tall black oaks towered above us, their branches thick and twisted tight to hide the moons rays. I squinted in the darkness and could just make out the outline of the D'haran who rode in front of me. I wondered if we would continue through the darkness or if we would stop to make camp. Silently, I prayed the spirits would give me another night before facing Rahl.
My mind began to drift over the past three weeks of my life. I had gone over and over the small details again and again searching for anything that could bring me comfort in the choice I had made. None came, not tonight.
The mistakes I had made had cost me dearly. I chastised myself again for not telling Richard about my powers sooner. Now he knew, but Denna had told him. I can still almost taste the bitterness in his voice when he had said- "if there's one thing I learned from Denna, its how to suffer in silence". What a fool I had been! We did not speak much after that night in the forest. I could tell that it pained him to be near me. I was right. He could never care for me after he found out what I was. The anguish of him not looking at me, smiling at me, and barely speaking to me was worse than any pain I had ever had to endure. Marrying Rahl would be bliss compared to Richard's indifference towards me.
Breathing deep to try and stop the tears from the memories, I continued to stare in front of me. The path we were traveling was narrow and only wide enough for us to ride single file. The rhythmic clomp, clomp of the horses as they walked and the occasional sound of a distant owl relaxed me into a trance like feeling. My body was present but I could not bring myself to connect with what was happening. I did not want to think about Richard, but it was impossible.
Tears streamed quietly and unseen down my cheeks as I recalled the last night I had seen him. Chase and Richard had decided to go to Tamarang to get the box of Orden that was hidden there. I was to stay with Zedd and the resistance fighters and meet up with them at Tyrnin several miles north. That night, I had decided to try and speak with him. Cautiously approaching, I found him alone by the creek filling our bucket with water for cooking. I stopped halfway, almost too afraid to speak to him when he looked up at me. Our eyes locked, his raptor gaze piercing my soul. I gave him my special smile, but he did not return it. His gaze still penetrated mine and I could sense his anger.
"Richard…."
"Kahlan, I don't want you to come with me. You should stay here with Zedd" he stated in a clipped tone and looked away.
"Richard, its too dangerous without me. You don't know the first thing about how…"
"Chase will be with me and Giller is there. You said so yourself, he will help us. I don't want you with me, Kahlan."
His words stabbed me through the heart and I tried not to cry, I tried to be strong, but tears had escaped.
"Richard" I wailed "I'm…I'm…sorry. I know I hurt you, and you have every right to hate me, but please….don't shut me out." I had turned around with my back to him, hoping that he did not see my tears, but I knew he could hear them. I inhailed with a shacky breath and looked back over my shoulder. He wasn't even looking at me. My nails dug into my arms that were wrapped around me and I couldn't help but allow the tears to continue cascading down my face.
"Kahlan" his voice was closer now "Look at me".
"No, I can't" I said through sobbs. "I just….I…"
His arms were around me then and he whispered "I don't hate you Kahlan. I could never hate you. But I can't be near you right now. I have to work my feelings out and I have to do this without you." He kissed me in the soft spot behind my ear and held me tight against him, but his embrace was short. Before I could even protest, he had picked up the bucket and headed back towards the campsite. I collapsed there and wept like I had never before wept in my life.
I was close to weeping at the memory now, alone in the darkness with more than a dozen D'Harans. Grateful for the loud winter wind and the pitch black for hiding my weakness, I wiped the tears from my face with my gloved hands and focused on the strength of my upbringing as a confessor. But the pain of losing Richard was stronger.