Alright, so apparently there's been a bit of confusion. This my friends, is a journal for Jocelyn Morgenstern, an RP on a TMI forum. We're still looking for characters to join and RP with us if you want, but the actual main story is on a forum called The Circle's Clave, an alt. universe where Valentine won the Uprising. These chapters are just little snippets of the R-rated stuff and blank spots in the forum. The whole story and background is on there. Seraphina Wayland, J.R. Lightwood-Wayland, JonahMorgestern and myself are moderators for this forum so if you have any questions PM us anytime.

Tentative Relief

J.R. swung his leg over me, leaning down to cup my cheek as he dominated my lips almost frantically. I was shocked, honestly, as he pulled my tattered shirt from my chest, that I could even be near a bed with a man so soon after Abraxas's violation of me. I mean, I was pregnant with his child, yet I was taking my daughter's husband to bed. I was breathless as J.R. sat back on his knees, drawing his own shirt over his head and discarding it. I took a moment to admire the younger man. He would have been beautiful had it not been for the strong jawline and hard, rigid lines of muscle, making him achingly handsome, very masculine. My daughter's husband. The words stung a little, but not as much as the betrayal that Roxanne and Jonah had claimed and now ruled over the hell realm Elysium where I had been kept prisoner for what felt like days, violated over and over, impregnated.

My throat burned with tears, but as J.R. leaned down to kiss me again, he stole the tears, along with my breath. J.R. was my daughter's husband yes, but Roxanne was sleeping with her brother as well as J.R. I wasn't related to J.R., the only thing was that he was married to Roxanne. Admittedly J.R. was younger than me, but what did age really matter? At the moment, when my whole body ached with betrayal and need, age mattered less than nothing to me. It seemed to mean less than nothing to J.R. as well.

His strong hands slid over my bare stomach. I pushed away memories of Abraxas doing exactly that, determined to drown out everything except this moment. This moment where I could find some relief and happiness in the sea of guilt and pain and betrayal from the past four days. I didn't realize I was grabbing for J.R.'s jeans until he stilled my trembling hands gently, smiling against my lips, before slowly drawing his own jeans down his legs.

One of his large, warm hands trailed down my arm, lacing his fingers with mine reassuringly, clearly sensing my distress, as he trailed his lips down my chest and stomach. I let out a small yelp as I felt his teeth scrape over my breast and was shocked to find myself waiting for him to sink fangs into me, like Abraxas had. My eyes were clenched, head turned to the side as my grip turned white knuckled on J.R.'s hand.

He paused, raising his head.

"Jocie," he asked, hesitant. "Are you alright? Do we need to stop? We can stop if you need." He was rushing to reassure me.

I shook my head. "No, I—I just… Keep going. I'm fine," I say, hating that Abraxas could still get to me, even if it was only a day after my liberation. J.R. squeezed my hand before leaning down to kiss my stomach reverently. He used his free hand to pop open the button of my jeans and slide them off. I was in only my underwear now, like I'd been in Elysium the first time. Terror was rising, threatening to choke me and I wanted to scream.

"Joce," I heard J.R.'s voice. "We can stop if you need, really."

His care, his reassurance, was what melted away the terror as I made him continue. He pressed his bare, muscular chest against my softer one as he kissed me again, short circuiting any bad thoughts as two fingers hooked in the waistband of my panties and began slowly tugging them down. His tongue swept inside my mouth, my body heating slowly. I responded with a hand on the back of his neck, my back arching up into him as he slid my panties completely off.

Next were his boxers then my bra. Then we were skin to skin. Nothing stopping us except for the horrified look that had crossed my face. I knew J.R. had seen it, he was looking at me worriedly. I had to tell myself that this wasn't Abraxas forcing me into this, I was making my own decisions. I winced, that statement in and of itself made it worse. It meant I was choosing to screw my daughter's husband.

"Joce," he repeated again. "You're scarin' me woman. Tell me if you need to stop."

I blew out a breath. My choice.

"Just shut up and kiss me," I said, pulling him down on top of me, pressing my body into the firm, hard line of his. I felt the moment when he slid into me, full and warm and throbbing. His lips seemed to move in rhythm to his heartbeat, drawing at my lips, pulling them between his teeth until they were swollen. My breasts were taut, the nipples hard peaks.

I threw my head back as he buried himself to the hilt. It was different somehow, than having Abraxas there. I could feel the difference, how J.R. was human and Abraxas was demon. I was shaking, holding on to him with trembling hands as he began to move slowly. I buried my face in his neck, almost scared to look at him, see the look on his face as he found me dirtied and defiled.

But he never stopped, he kept going, massaging my body soothingly until I gave under his touch. My body relaxed against his and he knew. The second I gave up, he went faster, hips crashing against mine, hands wandering in all the fiery places that Abraxas had touched but J.R.'s wiped some of the filth away, made me feel a little cleaner.

I moaned as J.R. dipped his head, drawing a nipple into his hot mouth. He sucked and teased but when I felt his teeth scrape over my skin I had to push him away, under the pretext of wanting to kiss him again. I threaded my fingers through his golden-brown hair and tugged his head up, away from my skin, the scars of pinpricks that still lay oddly red on my breasts. I suspected the scars of what Abraxas did to me would be there forever, inside and out.

My mind was ripped away from those thoughts as J.R. did something with his hips as he thrust inside me that had me screaming, clutching onto him so I didn't lose myself. He murmured reassurances in my ear, telling me I was okay, I was loved, I wasn't dirty. I wondered where he got the idea to say those things before I realized that I had been sobbing as he moved, simpering about how dirty and hated I was.

He blocked all that out for the moment, a temporary relief from the torments of my mind. I tentatively let go of myself, let J.R. take over completely, driving into my body with actual need and adoration, not greed and want like Abraxas had. I needed to get the demon out of my head, if only for one night, get him out.

J.R.'s hands cupped my breasts, kneading them gently as he continued murmuring comforts in my ear. He was trying his hardest to distract me, get my mind off of it, and I let him. I couldn't take the pain of my violation or the betrayal I felt as I knew I was losing my children to the hell realm. And if I didn't go back there, the child inside me would die as well, stillborn in this world. After this, my blow out and what I was currently doing now to her husband—now that I had rolled him over and taken the driver's seat—Roxanne would never forgive me and never draw the rune on my skin to save the child in this realm.

I sighed as I bent down, feeling so much better on top, feeling freer and more in control. I circled my hips, pulling a groan from the man beneath me as his hands slid over my hips, one sinking into the thatch of red curls between my legs. I gasped as his fingers pressed against the little bundle of nerves. My hands clenched where they were braced on his chest, even as his soft smile turned devilishly rogue. He pressed and rubbed hard, sending shudders and moans through my body.

"Who… knew," I say breathlessly, jaw slackening. "You were… such a devil… ahhhh… in bed?"

J.R. sat up, cradling me in his lap. "I'm good at everything," he whispered before stroking his hips up. I gave a startled moan before clutching his shoulders. He dipped his nose down between my breasts, blowing hot breath over my skin.

"You're so beautiful Joce," he murmured, the low timbre of his voice humming against my sensitized skin. "You're like the moon, brilliant and sharp, always there but not always visible. The gentle supporter of the sun. Always a comforting presence, presiding over everything with a calm, loving eye."

My heart melted at his wonderfully poetic words. I didn't have any in return, I wasn't good with words. So I pushed him back on the bed and kissed him blind, blinding myself to everything, everyone who's hurt me and who've been hurt by me. I knew of course that there were going to be consequences after this but I just wanted to enjoy the moment, overcome my crippling fear that would normally hang over a woman for years. It would hang over me for years, for my entire life, but I didn't want to live in fear for the years to come.

Roxanne's words echoed in my ears. I couldn't be a timid child when it came to Elysium, I had to go back there one day, either to birth my child or to see my children. But I wasn't ready yet to face the dark hell of my violation, it'd only been a day since everyone had risked their lives to come save me. And I was eternally grateful and thankful for that, but it hurt to know that Jonah had never felt like he belonged in our world, like he'd been ousted and cheated of comfort. I still felt the pain and guilt from denying him a mother's love the first year of his life, and I'd tried so desperately to make up for it, but there will always be that shadow of doubt that I know always lingers in his eyes when he looks at me, wondering if I really do love him.

I do and it hurts so much to know that I'd broken his trust at such a young age. That he had to turn to his sister for comfort, for balance and Roxanne had to have all that responsibility of balancing and controlling her brother thrown on her from the moment of her birth. And now I'd practically denied them happiness, I had denied them my approval for living in hell, ruling it, not that they would have abided by it; they were grown adults, I had to constantly remind myself. But who could accept their children leaving to go preside over the very realm they were violated in?

I felt so alone now, knowing that I'd alienated my own children with my rash words, alienated myself. I hadn't thought, hadn't put a terrible amount of thought into what it meant for Jonah to live in a hell realm. I felt like a failure, denying my own first born, my son, like that. I wanted to take my words back and get my children back but I couldn't do that. Despite her valid argument now that I'd thought about it, I still felt like Roxanne had overlooked how I would feel about this, how J.R. would feel about this. Even though I'd explained it to her, it was like there was a wall between us, bouncing my words back at me.

I probably wasn't thinking straight in that regard, I was still in shock, not in my right mind, but I needed to be with J.R. for tonight, I needed to prove to myself that I wasn't completely broken and dirtied and useless. I needed a human touch, a cleansing touch and Val hadn't been around for ages. I needed J.R., he was a like mind, alone and feeling like he was forgotten. We needed each other to not fall in a void, a rut of loneliness and heartache.

J.R. rolled me over again, pinning me to the bed with his great weight but this time, instead of feeling trapped and choked, I felt like a blanket had been settled over me. Warm and protective instead of burning and intrusive, traumatic. J.R.'s warmth wrapped around me as he pressed his face into my neck, licking and kissing and sucking.

I breathed a sigh as he finally tipped me over the edge of that great precipice into the valley of pure ecstasy. I cried out, clutching onto him for dear life. His hand came up, spanning my throat as he dropped over the edge of the cliff with me, before he pressed his soft lips against mine. His hand, long tapered fingers drumming softly on my collarbone, felt like a soothing necklace instead of the iron choker that had made up Abraxas's hand.

I shuddered, this time not in pleasure but in fear. J.R. seemed to notice the difference. His lips traveled to my ear, his cheek hot and sweaty, body slick against mine.

"Don't think about him Joce, I'm not him. I won't hurt you, I'd never hurt you. You're an amazing woman that should never have had something like that happen to her. Get him out of your head." He pulled back, golden eyes staring into my suddenly watery green ones. "Just focus on me, let me wipe the fear away, if only just a little."

Tears burned my throat and eyes by the time J.R. withdrew from me, wrapping me up in strong arms, settling me on the bed. By the time my face was pressed into his chest, I was sobbing, my arms wrapped around him. I wanted my children back, I wanted my dignity back, I wanted my sanity back. But as of now, it looked as though I would get none of those things. So I let J.R. hold me, kissing my cheeks and murmuring to me that we were going to be okay, I was going to be okay but somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew we never would be the same again.

We fell asleep in each other's arms, holding onto each other like anchors so we wouldn't float away in the sea we were both drowning in. My last thought was not of how much pain I was in, or that I was pregnant with a demon's child or that I had been violated, but the foolish hope that one day I could get my children back, even after what I'd done.