CHAPTER 2 : Skewed Memories ?

The doors of the turbolift opened over the 1st deck. She stepped forward slowly, looking at her surroundings. Her second in command remained close behind her.

"Captain on the bridge." He softly said almost to her ear. "We always say that when you arrive here."

She stared at the big screen in front of her displaying various colors of cloud and thousand of stars. Chakotay laid a hand on the small of her back and guide her forward, toward the two emblematic empty seats.

"This is the Captain's chair. Please." He invited her to sit down on the left as he took place on the right.

She watched him then lowered herself next to him. He noticed her hand shaking and she softly grabbed the armrest. He looked at her face, her eyes were lost in front of her. At first he thought she was overwhelmed by the beauty of the landscape shown on the main screen. But she was actually looking glassy-eyed to the empty space in front of her. Slowly it was her whole body that was slightly quivering.

"Kathryn?" He purposely used her first name in the softest tone he could have. Something was going on… there was a lot of memories on this bridge. Perhaps this was a bit too much all at once. Chakotay kept looking at her with great concern, waiting for a directive or an indication about her wellbeing.

She blinked heavily and a tear escaped from under her lashes. They stood from their chairs slowly in unison.

"I'm… sorry" She said in a full voice, controlling remarkably well her growing discomfort. "I think I'll go to my quarters, I feel exhausted." She smiled at him with still teary eyes and turned to leave but stopped in her motions. "...and…. I don't know where they are…"

"I'll walk you, of course." He offered

=/\=

Kathryn Janeway was exhausted though she couldn't sleep. Her mind was racing miles away as memories came flooding back to her. She saw herself on the bridge, taking decisions that would forever change the lives of her crew or entire populations.

She threw the sheets away from her body and stood furiously, heading toward the bathroom.

"Computer, light !" She ordered angrily.

The sight in front of her was alarming. She watched herself, frowning at the mirror. She had dark circles under her eyes and a very pale skin. Her hair were a mess. She hated the view. She suddenly saw the tension of her previous life on her features. The woman in front of her was disgusting her, that woman who made decisive choices for other, sometimes deciding who lives and who dies, strangling a whole crew in the other side of the galaxy from their homeworld.

Her fist crashed against the glass, shattering it in pieces. She winced at the sudden pain and look at her bloody knuckles. She sighed and washed the warm liquid off with some water and grabbed the white towel from the side of the sink. Wrapping her fist into it she left the bathroom and walked into the main room of her quarters. Standing in the middle, she looked toward the stars through the large window.

Why was she remembering all those bad moments aboard Voyager. She recalls the stories of the crewmen from the mess hall. It was a great adventure, the crew was clearly a family to her. She loved them all as her own children. Janeway smiled against herself as she felt her throat tighten and her eyes get teary. She breathed in slowly, to steady her emotions.

The door chime of her quarters startled her. She blinked heavily and wiped her eyes. "Come in !" She launched with a strong voice.

The door opened on Chakotay in slacks and grey t-shirt. She wrapped her arms around her bare shoulders.

"Did I woke you up?" She asked shyly referring to the broken mirror.

"I wasn't sleeping, what happened to your hand?" He waved at the towel she was holding.

"Two days for the emotions of a life might be too intense."

"Hold on, I have a dermal regenerator in my room" He warmly smiled. "I used to break various objects too to relieve the pressure."

He came back to her sitting on her couch with a hot coffee in her valid hand. He walked toward her and kneeled in front of the large sofa. He softly grabbed her hand and put away the towel. He worked the device on her skin. She watched with amazement the small wounds disappear.

"There." He whispered setting the towel and the dermal regenerator on the coffee table. "Are you alright?" He sat next to her.

"Better, really. " She answered quickly. "I try to focus on the nice moments I had with the crewmen of the mess hall yesterday morning" Kathryn sighed and grinned. "I had a bunch of annoying memories, and I felt furious… angry."

Chakotay watched as she lifted her head toward him an odd expression on her face. " Angry…. Angry warrior." She continued whispering.

He quivered as he remembered the time they spent together on New Earth and when he told her about this story he completely made up in a weak attempt to tell her what she truly meant to him.

"It feels good to remember sweet things like this." She said in a low voice. "But it sads me somehow, why…?" She asked to herself, her eyes were still on him and they travelled along his face lingering shyly on his lips.

Chakotay felt a heavy weight on his chest as his breath was caught in his throat.

"The true meaning of peace…" She added voiceless as she inched forward toward him. He could feel her breath tickle his nose as she got even closer to him. Kathryn was about to link their lips when he suddenly stood, a hand ruffling awkwardly his hair. She looked utterly wounded by his action.

"I'm sorry." He didn't wanted to allow her to kiss him while half of her life was still a void. He didn't wanted to get rejected as soon as she'll remember her principles and protocols. "You should get some sleep… I'm sorry." He said again and left her quarters quickly not daring to look back at her.

She watched him, frozen. Her memories were blurry perhaps even skewed, but she saw herself and Chakotay living together. She remembered that small house in the middle of nowhere, gardening her Talaxian tomatoes while he showed her the blueprints of a boat he would build for them. She remembered the bathtub he made for her to relax and the way he used to massage tenderly her shoulders.

Kathryn slowly raised herself from the sofa, left her coffee on the table and returned to her bedroom. Hoping that she would finally be able to rest.

=/\=

The morning after, Kathryn headed to the mess hall, she was happily greeted by the people she walked by in the corridor. She had a much more colored and healthier face. She could feel their relief to see her in better shape. Entering a very crowded mess hall, Kathryn noticed her second in command drinking a tea on the opposite corner of the room. She was about to cross the distance that were separating them when Neelix walked to her handing a steaming mug.

"Black coffee for you, Captain."

She smiled to thank him and headed toward Chakotay, she sat in front of him.

"Captain." He welcomed her, with a shy grin.

"I need to ask you something." She directly got to the point. "I need to know because I can't stick the pieces together."

He looked at her with apprehension of what she was going to ask him. "Of course." He said lowering his cup on the table crossing his hands in front of him.

"Did we… happen to be… lovers ?"

He was very aware of the sudden silence over the tables next to them. He didn't dare peeking around him. He had to answer, he couldn't avoid this question.

"No."

An odd expression crossed her features. She looked puzzled. The memories she recalled the previous night were telling her the exact contrary.

"But… did you wanted to?" She laid her coffee cup next to his, looking deeply into his eyes.

He sighed, it wasn't easy to hold her glare. "Yes." He honestly and simply answered.

"And… Did I wanted to?" She offered a very tender and wide smile.

"I honestly don't know." Chakotay looked down at his hands.

She also noticed the too silent people around them while they were loudly chatting just a minute before. Even Neelix had stopped his cooking to glance over at them. Chakotay was feeling the heavy pressure of their eyes onto his back. He slowly stood.

"If you wish to discuss that later, when you'll be fully recovered… I'd be happy to help."

All of the protocols and principles of Starfleet couldn't stop him from bending over to her to tenderly kiss her cheek. His lips lingered on her skin and she closed her eyes to fully enjoy the feeling. He walked toward the door, on his way he received a sharp elbow hit in his ribs from B'Elanna. She looked at him with dark annoyed eyes. He left the quickliest he could and made his way to the bridge.

TBC