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Chapter Two: A Ruined Grey Dress

"Ackerman!"

"Yes, sir," I don't hesitate to beat my fist against my chest and stand up straight, regarding Captain Erwin with nothing but respect.

"At ease, soldier," he says and I obey, standing slightly more relaxed in his office. I don't so much as look at Levi, but his eyes bear into me and I can feel my heart flutter in my chest. I ignore the sensation and focus on the tall blonde-haired man in front of me. "Status report."

"Ten titans attacked the church today, sir. I asked Eren and Armin to evacuate the guests while I dealt with the titans. Nine were normal and one abnormal, ranging from seven to fifteen metres tall. I surveyed the church afterwards and found no corpses or civilians left behind. I presume they all made it, sir."

Erwin makes a sound of thought in the back of his throat, regarding me with calculating eyes. "Very good, Ackerman," he says eventually. "When did you return?"

"Approximately two minutes ago, sir," I reply.

Captain Erwin stands up and nods once. "Well done today, Ackerman, those people owe you their lives. If it wasn't for your quick actions, we could've lost good soldiers today."

"It was nothing, sir." It's not exactly true but I want to say anything so that I can get out of the room quicker. Levi's eyes haven't so much as left my face and the temptation to meet them and indulge in their depths once more is nearly overpowering.

Captain Erwin releases a short breath of air in a from of laughter. "So modest," he nods once at me. "You are dismissed."

"Thank you, sir," I slam my fist against my chest and stand up straight as a sign of respect before quickly exiting, closing the door firmly behind me.

My gear slaps against my hips as I power walk back to my room, acknowledging various greetings and compliments with a grunt or simple nod of my head. I can hear a door open and slam shut behind me, rushed footsteps resounding from that area. My heart slams against my chest in anticipation and I quicken my pace, weaving through people like a fish through water. I keep my head down in an attempt to remain unnoticed but let's face it, I'm the only one in a ruined dress wearing gear and covered in blood. How can I not stick out?

This underground facility is a maze of tunnels built from metal and blue lights. Our technology has improved recently, especially in the medical facility thanks to Hanji. She's still obsessed with titans but now that we've lost the walls, she can't study them as freely as she used to. She's relying on humans for experimentation to satisfy her biological curiosity now.

We call this place 'The Bunker' and to be quite honest, I don't think anyone really knows how to operate it. We stumbled across this place a year and a half ago while on a mission. It was built to perfection, supplying us with energy and shelter. We can even grow plants down here. We don't know how it got here, or who built it but when we found it, it was empty.

We were scared at first, we didn't know what lay within its depths nor did any of us have a clue how to work it. Hanji leans towards the biological side of science but she had a go at working this place and we seem to discover something new every day. We only recently learned how to work the devices we now call 'elevators' which save us so much time rather than using the stairs. I'm still amazed by this place.

I turn down a corridor and pivot quickly, using the back narrow path to my dorm. The footsteps have faded behind me slightly and I breathe a sigh of relief as I make it to the safety of my room, putting in the code, opening the door and kicking it shut.

Detaching my gear, I place it gently on the bed before standing in front of the mirror, trying to get at the back zip of my dress. Stupid thing, you'd think with the amount of wear and tear it has been through, it would just fall away at this point.

"Need some help with that?"

I whirl around at the sudden presence behind me, hair whipping and vision blurring with the speed. Levi stands in front of me, leaning against the bunk bed with his arms crossed and head tilted to the side. He's shed the jacket of his tuxedo, leaving the shirt untucked and half open, exposing the top of his toned chest and collar bones. I try not to stare and my efforts to control my breathing are almost in vain, but somehow I manage to regain a fraction of my composure.

"How did you get in here?" I ask immediately.

"You mean after you changed the code?" He raises an eyebrow and the gesture is so familiar it hurts.

"That was Sasha," I say. It's such a terrible lie, which is strange because I'm usually fantastic at bluffing.

"Tch, I'm sure," he takes a step towards me and I copy his movement, only in reverse. The action causes him to raise his eyebrows again and he takes another step forward but this time, I don't move back. "Now turn around, brat, before you wreck your dress any further."

Hesitantly, I do as I'm told and suddenly his hands are on my shoulders, soft digits of his fingers trailing down my skin and leaving goosebumps in their wake. I suck in a breath unintentionally as he takes hold of the zip and drags it down, exposing the corset beneath. He lets go of the dress and it falls to the floor around my feet, leaving my body open to the neutral air of the room. In the mirror I can see his eyes trail up and down my body, drinking in the belts that wrap around my legs and hips. The corset hugs my waist and pushes down on my ass, making it stick out more. The material matches that of my flimsy knickers and I know this is so wrong, that just about an hour ago, he was about to get married and now I'm standing half-naked in front of him.

I should cover myself up, step away from him as his hand reaches up and tugs at the tresses of my hair. Everything feels so right and natural, I feel as though I should turn and run my hands through his own hair or under his shirt but I hold back and take a different approach.

"What? It's nothing you haven't seen before," I say rather bitterly, as I turn and walk past him, putting a leg up on the bed and undoing the straps.

"It's nothing I miss either," he counters.

I'm pretty sure he's lying out of spite but the words hurt me more than they should and I can feel my whole body visibly tense up, as if trying to form a shield to protect my heart. It's pointless though, my heart takes the full brunt of the damage. I want to say something smart and angry like; that's not what you were saying a few weeks ago.

I don't. I'm glad I have the ability to hold my tongue.

"The feeling's mutual, now what do you want?" I grab my clothes and underwear from my drawer and the towel on top of my dresser.

"To ask why the hell you brought ODM gear to my wedding," he snaps harshly.

My wedding. Shit, there's another blow to my heart. How many more before it splinters to pieces?

"It's good to be prepared," I answer, ignoring the pain inside and raise an eyebrow at him. "What? Do you think I called the titans to crash your wedding? Or that I got Eren to?"

"Always a possibility and to be quite frank, you don't seem overly upset about the whole ordeal."

"That's because I did my job and I made sure there were no casualties," I say, throwing the clothes into my bathroom and turning on the water. "Your wife is probably very upset so why don't you go comfort her and leave me alone."

"Is that what you want?" He asks, stepping closer to me and entering my personal space, something I've always hated. "To be alone?"

No.

"Yes," I lie firmly, stepping back, opening a drawer and retrieving the object I want. I walk back over to him, grab his hand without missing a beat and drop the golden circle into his open palm. "You made your choice, now I've made mine."

I don't look back as I walk into the bathroom and shut the door, leaning against it, holding my breath until my lungs feel as though they're about to burst. I can hear him mutter something under his breath before he leaves and slams the door after him.

As soon as the locking mechanism kicks in, I tear off my corset and step into the shower. The water rains down upon my face and I tilt my chin up, allowing it to hide the tears that fall from my eyes, the tears that I pretend don't exist.

Later on, Petra knocks on my door and despite everything, I let her in. The silence is awkward, her stance is awkward, the mumblings she makes as she tries to speak are awkward yet I remain as still as a statue and wait for her to gather her bearings. I don't care if it's awkward, I don't care if I make her uncomfortable, I don't care much about anything to do with her.

Except Levi.

No, I don't care about him either. Not anymore. Absolutely not. Never will again. I can't care about him because he's married to the woman in front of me, who is still trying to find her words.

"Can I help you?" I ask, my patience wearing thin. Not only did I have to attend this woman's wedding when I really didn't want to but now I have to tolerate her presence and ridiculous mumbles while I could be doing something more productive.

God, I sound like Levi.

"I just wanted to..." She begins softly and I won't lie, her voice really goes through my head. I don't let it show on my features though, they remain calm and unmoving. "...thank you, for today. If it wasn't for you, I might not be here right now and our guests... they could have all died. I know Levi will never act grateful for anything but I can assure you he is really thankful for your quick actions and I'm sure he..."

She goes on and on about how Levi can act tough and unemotional but really on the inside he cares and has a heart of gold and this and that and the other. With each word about how well she knows Levi, it feels as though she is stabbing me with a knife. Puncture after puncture mutates my inner organs and makes me want to cry or plead for mercy. It's killing me not to tell her to stop or to ask her to leave but I suck it up, nod politely and say I understand.

When she eventually leaves, Sasha tumbles from her hiding spot out of the closet and breathes in a huge gulp of air before making a sick sound in the back of her throat.

"You could have just hid inside the bathroom," I say as I pull a jumped over my shirt, hugging it tightly to keep me warm.

"There wasn't enough time and I wouldn't have heard the conversation as clearly from in there," she pokes her head back in the closet and produces a potato. "Besides, this is where I stashed my food the other day when Commander Pixis tried to take it off of me."

"I was wondering why this jumper smelt like butter," I murmur before swapping it for one I keep in my drawer.

"I can't believe you just sat there and took that from her! She thinks she knows him so well-"

"She is his wife," I say reasonably.

"And you were going to be until she-"

"Can we not talk about this?" I ask honestly but Sasha's on a roll and there is no stopping her, especially when she's fuelled with food.

"Aren't you going to do anything, Mika? Aren't you going to fight for him? I mean, I know Levi can be harsh and cruel but the way he used to look at you... I've never seen him look at Petra that way, not once."

"And how many times have you seen him around Petra?"

"Well, not much but he didn't even smile at the wedding-"

"Levi does not smile, full stop."

"He's smiled at you before-"

"Sasha..." I sigh and sit down on the bed, my head spinning from memories that I have tried so hard to lock away. In an effort to keep myself from showing how frustrated I feel, I run my fingers through my hair and massage my temples, breathing deeply.

Sasha drops down to the floor in front of me, her hands on my knees as she gazes up at me with honest eyes.

"Do you think he's happy with her? I think he'd be more happy with you and I think you do too."

"Being happy has nothing to do with it." My voice is colder, much colder and detached than before. I think it even scares Sasha by the way her eyes widen and she bites down on her lip. "The fact of the matter is, Petra and Levi were arranged to be married and now they are together. There's nothing I can do about it and Levi has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to change it." I shut my eyes briefly and hang my head. "Besides... they're perfect for each other. She's pretty and upbeat and not afraid to express how she feels. Levi is cold, detached, stubborn but at the same time, he's loyal to his friends and he won't hesitate to protect them."

"But Mika!" Sasha grabs my hands and the sudden movement makes me snap my neck up and meet her fierce gaze. "Petra may be all those things but you're much more. You're one of humanity's strongest, do you know how many people you saved today? In a satin dress?!"

I scowl as my eyes flicker toward the grey material, now tossed in a garbage bag in the corner. In a way, I'm exactly like that dress. I serve a single purpose just as it does, to fight for humanity and just like it, I will one day take as much damage as I possibly can and no one will be able to fix me up to use me again. I will be thrown away, just like an inanimate disposable object, and few will care as a new one will take my place.

"Can't you do something? Can't you talk to Levi and ask him to find someone else for Petra?" She seems so childlike, as if the solution is so easily found and she can't comprehend why we haven't tried to salvage... whatever it was we had.

We did try though, I can remember it clearly, back when we were just settling into these new bunkers and it was easier for people to get married and have kids. We tried to find a way out of it but in the end... Levi had to make a decision and he made it, referring to logic as always.

Never love.

It's not like we loved each other anyway. What would I know about love? What do I know about love even now? Only that it makes you vulnerable, that it can weaken you when it's lost, that it can build you up to the sky and suddenly let you drop as though it had never been there. Love is like this world, it's cruel and tainted and only those who are ignorant of its cruelties can actually enjoy it explicitly. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those people.

I hope Sasha always remains one.

She looks like she's about to cry and I shake my head at her, squeezing her hands gently. My eyes soften but no smile crosses my features. "It's ok. In a way, it makes sense. Petra may be a soldier but she can be a housewife too and a nurse, her place is here now and mine is out there, on the battlefield. The higher-ups shouldn't get involved with their foot soldiers anyway, it can affect your performance and maybe this way is for the best."

"You can't be serious, Mika! You were always so happy with him-"

"And I'll be happy without him," I force myself to smile. "I am serious, from now on, I'm going to do as much missions as I can and keep myself occupied."

And avoid Levi as much as humanly possible.