"Where do you suppose this is?" Starmac asked and peeked out from under the cap. "It almost looks like outer space, but there's no way that can be right."
Waluigi cast his perpetual scowl across the arena. He was standing on a circular platform where before there had been a roof. The blackness of night expanded all around him with stars twinkling from below and above. The platform was small and partly see-through, but sturdy enough for Waluigi to talk on. He tested it by stomping his foot. Didn't feel like glass.
A bright flash brought their attention up into the air. Kamek hung there, on his broom, twirling his sceptre around, cackling. "You're right, it can't be right, but I made it. I took the liberty of bringing you here because I can't let you ruin my lord Bowser's plan." Kamek shot a beam from his rod, and a dark cloud manifested in the arena.
"You better let Waluigi out of here this instant, or I'll whoop your scaly hide!" Waluigi shouted up at Kamek.
The cloud gathered and condensed, rising up into the air. Yellow blobs sprouted on the bottom and on top. It took him a moment to realise they were feet and a beak respectively. "Kehehe!" Kamek's chilling grin filled the arena as the monster gained its shape. Eyes popped into existence above the beak. "How do you like my raven? It's a little bigger than others of its species."
The raven towered overhead, casting the entire arena in shadow from an unseen light source. Waluigi stepped back, grimacing at the enemy before him. The raven took one step towards him, and the floor shuddered under its weight. It had finally gathered its shape. The feathers bristled darkly on its oval body. It lifted the other foot and disappeared.
Light filled the stage and, with the sound of a bubble bursting, vanished too.
Waluigi fell back and landed on his tail on a roof. It was night in a valley dotted with old ruins. Shadowy things shuffled around on ground level. They knew nothing of what transpired above.
"Gah, I've used too much magic on my puzzles!" Kamek shook his sceptre like it was rattle. It fizzled in response. Kamek glowered down at Waluigi before flying off. Starmac popped all the way out from under Waluigi's cap.
"Phew, that was close. We caught a lucky break."
"Yeah, but that raincoat-wearing lizard is bound to come back," Waluigi mumbled. He heard the hobbling from below and went to the edge, trying to see what moved around down there. The only light were intermittent fires burning in torches planted into the buildings. The moon was gone above a heavy blankets of clouds. Now and then he caught the sheen of metal. "Sheesh, this place is a lot creepier than I recall. Perhaps we should just find a way around." He sneered at the darkness and straightened up, finding he could no longer see Starmac.
"Over here, Mr W! Look what I found." Starmac's excited voice brought Waluigi's attention over to the far corner of the valley. The star being was just a small, shining point in the night. Waluigi strained his eyes to see him. "There's another star here," Starmac shouted.
"Eh? Then grab it already, you glorified lightbulb." Waluigi crossed his arms and waited for no more than a few seconds. "What's taking you so long? You're making Waluigi impatient," he shouted back. The things below them rustled about frantically at hearing voices.
"I can't take the star, Mr W. It's too heavy for me."
Waluigi stomped the roof of the ruin angrily. "What? What good are you then?" he yelled angrily, but Starmac came back quickly, hanging his head.
"I'm truly sorry, Mr W, but we star beings are small and weak. Our power comes from our ability to grant wishes."
"Can't even do that right…"
"But fear not! That Kamek person implied that this was a puzzle, right? Then all we have to do is solve it to get the star."
Waluigi tapped his gloved fingers on his pointy chin. Arrow signs hovered out in the air. One pointed straight ahead. He chanced a foot over the edge of the building, and blue light surrounded it. He quickly retracted his foot again, and the blue light faded. A wicked smile crept over Waluigi's face. With a nasally laugh, Waluigi jumped into the darkness.
"Mr W, no!" Starmac gasped and raced out, but Waluigi hovered in seeming midair. Starmac paused, eyes bulging out. "How are you doing that?" The star being flew around the laughing Waluigi, then under him and up again.
"Like this." Waluigi stomped his foot, and blue light billowed out ahead and behind him, revealing a bridge across the valley.
Starmac touched down tentatively by Waluigi's feet. "A-amazing," Starmac said breathlessly. "Why, only a mind as great as yours could have found this." He looked up to find Waluigi stroking his pointy moustache, basking in the admiration.
"Wahaha, and that is why Waluigi is going to save this world!" He turned around, stamping the invisible bridge, watching it as it shot out. "Now to solve this puzzle so we can get out of here."
Waluigi slowly lumbered ahead, keeping an eye by his feet. It took him two seconds before he reached the end and plummeted down.
The ground was no further down than it took Waluigi to spin in the air and land in the mud headfirst. Starmac floated down on to his head.
"You really must exercise more caution, Mr W. Are you all right?" he asked, bending his body as much as he could. Waluigi bubbled a few oaths into the mud.
Light flashed on in the darkness. Shapes swarmed the downed Waluigi. He turned over and put an arm up to his eyes. "What are those things?" Starmac asked and leapt into the air. "They look like toys, but… they are way too big."
Waluigi got up as the first one came nearer. It was a large, grey ball with eyes and legs. 'No.48' was written on its sides. The light came from its eyes. Waluigi crawled back. The creature split open and revealed a mouth. A star rocketed out from its maw and flew over Waluigi's head. It exploded into a purple fireball.
"Hey, what's the big idea?"
Waluigi clamped down on his hat as mud rained down. Anger suffused his face until he noticed the several dozen other creatures, all around him, all cracking up. "Hmm. How do those inferior plumbers usually take care of this?" he mused, scratching his chin.
The first stars belched from the metal creatures. Waluigi sprang up, and the ground below him vanished in roiling smoke. He landed again on a 'No.48'. Its head twirled around, its body jittered, and a tongue flopped out. Waluigi sprang back as the creature exploded. A wicked smile crept over his lips.
Starmac appeared above him again. "Mr W, I found a way up over there. Quick," he said frantically as the 'No.48's formed a wave of gaping death.
"Nuts to that! Waluigi never steps down from a challenge."
He hurled his weight up again with stars flying left and right. Flames of all colour lit up the ruins. Waluigi's shadows cast the mechanical monsters in darkness. He landed, sending the 'No.48' spinning. It blew up, and Waluigi alighted to the next one, and the next one, spreading a chain reaction behind him. The creatures spat stars, but hit only each other in the tight cluster. Waluigi touched the ground again, and the last 'No.48' disappeared with a loud bang.
"Amazing, Mr W! Exemplary work of a hero," Starmac cheered from the sky. Waluigi straightened himself up and dusted the mud off of his suit.
"Heh. All in a day's work," he replied.
The ruins buzzed with activity. Light cones spilled out of glassless windows and broken doors.
"Mr W, you can't take them all on. They will just keep coming," Starmac said, flying circles over Waluigi's head. "Get to the slope, now!"
Waluigi snorted, but followed the trail of his golden companion. The robots jumped like frogs, their top half opening up. The deadly stars sank into the ground and the rock wall before going off. Waluigi held on to his cap as dust and dirt rained down.
Thick smoke enveloped the arena. The 'No.48's paused, stabbing the colourful cover with their searchlights. Waluigi sprinted out. The robots jumped angrily, rattling their mouths, but Waluigi was already up the slope. One tried to follow, lost its footing and clanged down to the bottom.
"All right, let's see if we can't solve this puzzle." Waluigi rolled up his sleeves and stepped over the cliff's edge to the rooftop.
The barred door opened, and light spilled into the musty cell. Princess Peach did not look up. Her hair was a mess, and she was missing the long glove from her left arm. A massive shadow fell on her. Bowser lumbered inside and lifted the princess' chin with one of his claws. Her eyes were distant, vacant. Numb. "How have you been, Ms Toadstool?"
She did not reply. Bowser smirked and grabbed a pebble from inside his shell. It resembled the one hanging from a blue ribbon around his own neck. He put it to Peach's forehead. Slowly the fog cleared from her eyes. She yelped, but she had the wall to her back.
"W-what do you want?"
"I'm hurt, Princess, I thought you would know me well enough to figure that out." Bowser chuckled menacingly. "Why, your hand in marriage, of course. Oh, and let's not forget, your kingdom on a silver platter."
"I would never marry you, you disgusting… you…" Peach clenched her fists, but struggled to finish her sentence. "I never thought you would stoop so low, Bowser."
Bowser rumbled with laughter. "Consider your options, princess. This star chunk will give you only a momentary reprieve if it isn't held constantly." He closed his fist around the pebble and stuffed it back inside his shell.
She took a deep breath and relaxed. "I know my options, Bowser, and I would rather live a life of nightmare than… than live a nightmare with you!" she retorted. She crossed her arms and looked away. "You will get nothing from me."
Bowser smirked. "You'll change your tune soon enough, once you've gone another day under the misery spell." He turned back towards the cell entrance, but paused by the door. "Oh yeah. Just in case you're hoping to be rescued, I will remind you that I have taken care of all the heroes. There's only that pathetic Waluigi back, but don't you worry. I'll have him broken soon enough."
The door slammed shut, though Bowser's whistling lingered. Peach clutched the hems of her dress. Tears glistened on her cheeks.
"Please," she said quietly. "Please! Somebody, anybody, save us! If there are any stars left in the star realm, save my kingdom! I beg of you." She sniffled, feeling the star chunk's effect fading. She went to a window overlooking the moat. She could catch a sliver of the night outside. Again and again she yelled her prayer until the misery clutched her voice.
Huffing and heaving, Waluigi got up on the rooftop again, covered in soot. Once more he stood on the blue light, 'No.48's leaping back and forth far below. Starmac hovered before him. A shudder went through the star being.
"Eh?" Waluigi wiped the sweat from his eyes to get a better look at the star. "I'm doing all I can here, lightbulb!" he yelled at Starmac, who in turn shook his head.
"What? Oh, no, it's not you, I just thought I felt someone's wish. But it's gone now, whatever it was." Starmac flew out over the stage, sprinkling his light and finding hidden paths. "Though you are taking your time with this puzzle. Is it really that hard?"
"S-shaddap! I'd like to see you do any better, Mr Can't-Even-Get-The-Star." Waluigi searchingly went around the length of the light trail, seeing where it went and where it stopped, by now having a good idea of the layout. He went so far as the middle of the stage, but the bridge stopped. Waluigi got down on his knees and reached out a hand. Just air. "Argh! Dumb, stupid puzzle doesn't make any sense. Why does the trail just stop here?" He got up again and looked around, noticing Starmac hovering over by the starter building.
The star being stood on a circle of light below the initial network of bridges. Carefully retracing his steps, Waluigi made his way back. He reached out a foot to another dead-end, but found a ramp down that he had missed earlier. He chuckled sinisterly and waddled down to stand before Starmac.
"Golly, Mr W, I don't think I could have found that." Starmac sprang up on Waluigi's shoulder. "The rest of the puzzle should be a breeze."
Waluigi gave the elderly star a quick sideways glance. "Yeah. Piece of cake."
The bridge led inside the building, and Waluigi jumped off. The room was filled with gold coins. Waluigi wrinkled his nose and pulled his cap down as he walked through.
"I've heard of these before. Coins. There are many who wishes for them so they can become rich." Starmac held on tight to Waluigi as he strained himself to see everything. "Aren't you going to collect them?" he asked incredulous as Waluigi climbed out of the only other window and on to the next bridge.
Waluigi snorted. "Feh. What am I going to buy with them?"
Starmac jumped off. "But…" He looked first up at Waluigi, and then at one of the coins. It spun around slowly just off the ground. The number 1 was displayed on both sides. "I can certainly see the allure. These things are pretty."
Waluigi was already off across the bridge. "I said feh! Though I know a chubby someone who would love them. It's going to be hilarious telling him about all the riches I found and left. He's going to have a field day trying to recover them all. Wahaha!" He glanced up at the sky, quickly assuming his usual scowl.
Starmac hovered back to sit on top of Waluigi. "Just seems like a waste, but I guess you're right. If everyone's under the spell, then we can't do any trades."
The lower bridge ran relatively straight, taking few detours before ending by the far building. Waluigi ascended the slope and stood on the roof. The star pulsed at him from its pedestal. He took the last couple of steps and cupped the star in his hands. It dissolved into light. Gone.
Starmac clapped his appendages together. "Great job, Mr W! That's another star in the bag," he said and sprang off so he could face Waluigi.
He nodded in response. "Feel any stronger, lightbulb?" He held up his hands, but they looked no different. He clenched them, and a little cloud of glowing dust escaped the white fabric.
"A little. I should be of more help in combat now."
"That's good, because I'm going to need it soon," Waluigi mused. Cackling, Kamek swooped out of the night sky. Waluigi swung his fist up at him. "You again, you pest!" he yelled.
"Ehehe, now that my sceptre has been recharged, we can finally pick up where we left off!" Kamek swung the rod, and the sky exploded into a shower of stars and comets and galaxies. The valley disappeared and Waluigi again stood on the arena. The raven waited for him at the other end. "Once my little servant here has you beaten, I can get my stars back, and I will put them in a place where no one will ever get them."
The raven narrowed its eyes in anger and charged forward, its stubby legs paddling it across the glassy floor.
"Lightbulb, if you want to be of any help, you better do it now," Waluigi whispered and raised his dukes.
He sprang to the side. The raven almost charged clean off the platform. It teetered in panic on the edge, sighing in relief as it finally tipped back. Its angered mien returned quickly. Steam escaped its red-hot face. All the while, Kamek cackled.
"My powers work by wishes, so simply wish upon me to help, and we'll see what happens," Starmac explained. Waluigi grumbled as he retreated across the platform, but closed his eyes nonetheless. Starmac leapt up into the air, his body aglow. "I can definitely feel those stars at work, Mr W. Here it comes."
A red mushroom with white spots emerged from Starmac's body and flopped down on the ground. He let out an exhausted gasp and settled back on Waluigi's head.
"Oi, lightbulb, what am I supposed to do with this?" He picked up the mushroom and held it up. "How about a hammer or something, eh?" The raven thundered towards him, but Waluigi sidestepped it again.
"Sorry, Mr W, but I don't control how the wishes come true. To be honest, I normally just tend to them. I had no idea it would be this tiresome. Phew." Starmac breathed heavily on top of Waluigi's cap. "I can try again in a bit, once I get my breath back, but I doubt the result will be any different." Waluigi eyed the mushroom with suspicion, but the raven turned back towards him. Quickly Waluigi ingested the power-up.
His body filled with light for a moment, and a jingle played. Completely on instinct, Waluigi ran towards the raven. His legs were a blur. The two forces clashed, and the raven stumbled back. Waluigi jumped back and charged again, pushing the raven closer to the edge. One more time, and the raven was almost over.
Waluigi slowed down until he stopped, looking confused down at himself. "What gives? Your stupid mushroom doesn't last that long at all."
Starmac tried to sit up, but collapsed again. "Could you give me just a moment longer?"
"What? Don't you realise I have that oversized feather ball right where I want it? Make with the mushrooms now!"
A large shadow fell on Waluigi. Calm, murderous rage boiled in the eyes of the raven. Waluigi shrank back. A terrifying screech bellowed out of the raven's beak. Waluigi covered his ears and sank down on one knee. Starmac toppled off of him. "No! That can't be, this thing is radiating negative star energy! Those things were supposed to be just legends."
Waluigi collapsed on his back, Starmac unable to move either. The star being whimpered in despair.
This story takes place a long time ago, on the campus of Mushroom High. Princess Peach was tutored by the finest teachers in the privacy of her own castle, but still came to the school to see her friends. They met in the courtyard under the trees, sitting on the benches and eating. It was mostly her, Mario, Luigi, and a few others.
A young Waluigi skulked around the colonnade hall surrounding the open area. He had yet to grow into his features, and the hook nose and pointed chin gave him an awkward look. A bizarre line of hair grew on his upper lip, and his face was dotted with zits.
"This is an old scene, but one you remember quite vividly." Waluigi jolted awake and sat up in the grass. It took him only moments to recognise first Peach's clique, and then his younger self. "I wonder what could have happened that made such an impression."
"Who's there? Who's talking?"
A chuckle preceded the young male's reply. "No one you should worry about, Waluigi. Your quest ends here, unfulfilled, barely begun, while I… I take over the Mushroom Kingdom. Oh! It's about to start. Let's watch, shall we? No spoilers for those of us who haven't seen this one before." The voice was calm and icily cheerful. Waluigi checked the sky for a source, but there was nothing but blue with tufts of white.
The young Waluigi emerged from his cover and slinked across the quad, as if the rucksack on his back was too heavy. The ominous chortling was replaced by the giggling of girls. Peach sat up on the table with Mario down on the bench, Luigi on the other side snoozing. A few others read books or ate lunch.
"I wonder what he wants to do. He clearly doesn't belong to that group. Mufufu." The voice once again sounded over the campus, though no one reacted to it. Only the older Waluigi. He sped across the courtyard and planted his hands on his younger self. He passed straight through him.
"P… Princess?"
"Oh… uh… who are you?" The younger Peach was as gorgeous as ever. Her hair was short and flowed freely to her shoulders.
The other girls now also noticed Waluigi and commenced sniggering. The young Waluigi's face became beet red. "Don't talk to him, Princess. That's Waluigi," a freckly red-head said.
Peach got up and jumped down from the table. "No, it's okay. What do you want, Mr, um, Waluigi was it?" She was kind and innocent as always. Mario's face became serious, however, glancing at Waluigi sideways.
"Actually, it's… never mind. I was just wondering if you, ah, perhaps wanted to do something with me later? I mean, like, out in town."
Mario's clenched fist slammed into the table. He was already a strong man, his tanned arms visible under his rolled-up sleeves. Waluigi jumped back, all colour draining from his face. Peach put a hand on Mario's shoulder before he could get up. "I'm sorry, Waluigi, but I've already promised to go out with Mario. Thanks for the offer though."
"How mortifying! What could possibly have possessed you to even attempt this?" The chilly voice returned, his laughter like icy needles.
The young Waluigi muttered something while everyone looked at him, smiling, teasing. He turned around to walk away, but tripped over Luigi's legs. A chorus of laughter erupted all over the quad. Everyone had seen Waluigi asking the princess out and gotten turned down, but it was that last event that was the straw. Even Peach covered her mouth as she sniggered. A hateful expression flashed over the young Waluigi's face. Luigi stared confused around him.
"Oh! I didn't think it could have gotten any better, but would you look at that? How did you ever live that down?"
"Well?" the older Waluigi said up to the sky. "Are you done?" He drew his cap over his eyes so he couldn't see his younger self march away.
"Done? Is that all you have to say? I just showed you what you consider to be your biggest embarrassment, and all you can ask me is if I'm done?"
The older Waluigi nodded. "Yeah. Are you done?"
"Remarkable! I have never seen anyone endure so much misery. Bravo, I say, bravo!" The scene faded into black, and then to white, like a slate erased of its scribbles. "I am Prince NegStar the Second, and I pleased, thrilled, to make your acquaintance." A star twinkled far above Waluigi. It shot an arc down towards him. Its skin was dark blue, and a spit of black hair sat perched on his triangle head, curling up in a spiral.
"You the one behind this?" Waluigi asked and took a threatening step forward. "Just stand still for one moment." He jumped, closing his arms around the star, but it fluttered up and Waluigi fell on his face.
"I could show you another memory. I could grind your psyche down to a pulp. And yet, no, I shall release you for now. I will need time to assess what to do with you. You could prove useful." It spun around, sprinkling a dark mist over the stage. "We shall meet again, my little enigma, oh yes, we shall. Bowser is working really hard, not even realising the tune he is dancing to is from my flute. Mufufu." The star twirled so fast it became a blur. Waluigi grunted in surprise as he was flung back.
Without a target, the raven simply lumbered about, ignoring both the downed Waluigi and the sobbing star. Kamek had trouble containing his laughing fit, nearly falling off his broomstick.
"Mr W. Mr W, please!" Starmac had gathered his strength to stand up and desperately shook Waluigi.
Kamek hovered down next to Starmac. "You can't help him," the koopa wizard whispered and chortled. A shudder went through Starmac. "Only a fragment from a wish fulfilled can dispel the misery. Tell me, what wish have you ever made come true?"
"I will make him famous," Starmac replied in a deadly serious tone. "I thought it was a selfish wish at first, and yet it worked. A contract was signed between us. I understand now. It isn't fame that Waluigi wants, but recognition, and I will make the world recognise this great man."
Kamek easily picked Starmac up between two fingers, despite the star kicking and flailing. "Such brave words, but ultimately hollow and empty. No one wants this guy. And no one wants you either. You're a star with only the promise to fulfil an impossible dream. You have no power. Once you have been touched by the Misery Star, you can turn to stone like all your friends."
"Ready to make me another mushroom, lightbulb?" Waluigi's hand grabbed Kamek's arm in a crushing grip. The koopa wizard yelped in surprise and teleported away. Starmac fell to the ground. Tears welled up in his eyes. He nodded feverishly.
"Mr W…"
Waluigi sat up and took a deep breath. "Save it. We still have a job to do."
Starmac jumped up into the air and closed his eyes. A mushroom exuded from his body. Waluigi caught it as he got up on his feet. "I-impossible…" Kamek stuttered. Waluigi threw the mushroom into his opened mouth. His body glowed with power. He sighed, and a cloud of dust escaped his lips.
The raven thundered towards him. Waluigi set off. He smashed into the body of the monster, and it staggered back. Waluigi kept going. He was a rugby player with a ball, driving for the end goal. His legs propelled him, and the frantically squawking super bird could do nothing. Waluigi bent his knees and leapt the last stretch. Both he and the raven curved over the side.
The illusion broke, and Waluigi lay on his stomach in the valley, right next to the empty star pedestal. His power-up had not ended yet. He locked eyes on Kamek and vaulted up into the sky. Kamek swung his sceptre, and a blinding blitz knocked Waluigi down again.
"Gah, why didn't the misery star hold you? This is just a temporary setback. Kehehe! Don't think the next time will go that smoothly; that was but a fraction of my lord Bowser's power. Next time, you will fall completely under the spell."
Kamek disappeared in a shower of sparks. Waluigi rested on his back on a ruined building.
"You were amazing, Mr W!" Starmac landed on his chest. The last of the mushroom's effect faded, and Waluigi was just himself again. "I was starting to think you were wholly incompetent, with how long you took to solve that puzzle, but you really pulled through towards the end."
He was quiet for a moment longer, getting his breathing under control. "You saw it, didn't you?" he asked mysteriously, and Starmac looked at him puzzled. "What you said to Kamek… that was because you saw my memory too, right?"
Starmac bit his lip and looked away. "We are bonded by the contract, Mr W. Shared memories are not unheard of."
"Well just forget what you saw. It's not important." Slowly, laboriously, Waluigi tottered up on legs like jelly. "It's enough that I think about them all the time."
Peach's castle was still a dark spot in the horizon, unseen in the night. Waluigi looked around the ruined building for a way forward. Robots shuffled around in the dark below.
Waluigi fact #2: origin
The origin of Waluigi is as puzzling as the man himself. For such a great character, one would expect a main Mario game like Wario, Daisy, and Rosalina. This is not the case, however. Waluigi first appeared in the 2000 game Mario Tennis as the partner of Wario, and rival to Luigi. Similar evil versions were also planned for both Peach and Daisy but ultimately scrapped. The explanation for his presence is simply a never-seen long-standing rivalry with the main characters.
Ever since then, Waluigi has been a stable in minor Mario games, and has appeared in most sports games, party games and kart games, but has yet to gain recognition from a proper game, nor has he ever received a game of his own. The only time he ever played a significant role was in "Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix" (villain), nor has he been a playable character in the Smash Brothers series, though he does make appearances as assistance trophies. This despite the inclusion of irrelevant characters like Dark Pit and the entire line-up of Koopa Kids.
For a character with such potential, fifteen years of unrecognised hard work is atrocious. If Waluigi is to ever get his own game, a starring role in a Mario game, or just a playable appearance in Smash Brothers, then his fans must become as vocal as his naysayers. Don't let someone else do it. If you can draw, draw. If you can write, write. If you can sing, sing. Even if you have no talent, you can still spread the word of Waluigi. How much longer must we wait?