Chapter One: Concerning Hobbits
Bilbo: Hmm… where to begin?
BANG BANG BANG
Bilbo: Frodo! The door!
BANG BANG BANG
Bilbo: Frodo! What are you doing over there? Get the door will you?
Frodo: Uncle! I'm not really here!
Bilbo: What are you talking about, boy?
Frodo: (glowers at Merry)
Merry: Mr. Baggins! Where's your ring?
Bilbo: My ring? What are you- (pats pockets) My ring!
Pip: Nice job, Merry.
Merry: Thank you.
Bilbo: Oh! Here it is! (Hunches over, eyes wide) Myyy precciousss…
Frodo: Okay, Uncle. Good job! I think that's it for this scene.
Bilbo: Back off, Bigfoot! It's mine!
Frodo: Bigfoot?
Sam: Oi! Mind yer manners Mr. Bilbo!
Bilbo: YAAAAAAH! (Jumps at Sam)
Sam: AHHHH!
Frodo: Wait! What's that?
Gandalf: (faintly) The road goes ever on and on…
Merry: Aren't you in that scene?
Frodo: (rushes off) Take care of Bilbo for me, Merry!
Merry: Why me?
Sam: (gasp)
Bilbo: (Strangle)
Merry: (sigh) Okay, Mr. Baggins… let's get you fixed up for the party…
Chapter Two: Concerning Wizards
Frodo: (huffpuff) Made it… whew…
Gandalf: You're late.
Frodo: Uh… somehow I don't think this is how it's supposed to go…
Gandalf: Well if someone had sent out the scripts on time like he was supposed to then maybe we wouldn't have problems like this.
Frodo: Ah… yes… the scripts. About that…
Gandalf: You destroyed them, didn't you?
Frodo: No! They're just… missing! Yeah, that's it… missing.
Gandalf:…
Frodo: So… um… It's great to see you, Gandalf!
Gandalf: Likewise, I'm sure… grumblehobbitsgrumble.
(Frodo climbs into the cart beside Gandalf)
Frodo: So, what've you been up to?
Gandalf: I really can't recall… this and that and the other, nothing of much interest to a hobbit such as yourself and seeing as I'm without my script I have no way of knowing just how much information to give you at this moment.
Frodo: Oh…
(awkward silence)
HobbitKids: Gandalf! Fireworks, Gandalf! Fireworks!
Gandalf: Grumblehobbitsgrumble…
Frodo: Gandalf?
Gandalf: Hmm?
Frodo: The children?
Gandalf: Oh… fine then.
BANG WIZZ POP POW
Hobbitkids: Yaaaaaay!
Frodo: Good heavens, Gandalf! You nearly blew their heads off with that one!
Gandalf: Well if I hadn't just been told that all our lines are missing maybe I'd be able to aim better!
Frodo: gulp… Hey look! The Party Tree!
Gandalf: Oh, yes. I don't want your uncle improvising his speech so those scripts had better reappear before tonight or I'll have your hide, Frodo Baggins!
Frodo: Oh, look there! I think I see Sam! Well it was great talking to you Gandalf, so glad you're back and all that but I've really got to be going!
(Frodo flees)
Gandalf: Hobbits…
Chapter Three: Concerning Parties
Sam: Mr. Frodo, who's doing the titles if we've lost the scripts?
Frodo: I think Bilbo is for a while. Gandalf says he can't do it the whole time though.
Sam: Why not?
Frodo: Gandalf doesn't like the word "concerning". It concerns him.
(Gandalf rushes by with more fireworks heading for a small group of hobbit children)
Sam: That concerns me a bit.
Frodo: Don't worry. He's calmed down since this morning. They'll be fine.
Sam: Yes, but who's watching the fireworks?
BOOOOOOM
Frodo: I'd say Merry and Pippin have that covered.
Sam: Great. This'd better be in the script or we're all doomed.
RandomHobbit: DRAGON!
RandomHobbit: Run for your lives!
(Chaos)
Dragon: Swoop… BOOOOOOOM
(Merry and Pippin fall out of the sky and land right in front of Frodo and Sam)
Merry: (moans) That was good… (cough)
Pippin: (face down, voice muffled by dirt) I've never felt so alive!
Gandalf: Frodo Baggins!
Frodo: Uh oh…
Gandalf: Is this what you call under control!
Sam: You told him everything was under control?
Frodo: It was at the time!
Merry: I'm light as a feather! (Flaps "wings" against the ground)
Pippin: (sits up, eyes huge and wild looking) Why is everything so sparkly?
Gandalf: You, Mr. Baggins are lucky I have these two to deal with. And you'd better have your uncle's speech written out or so help me I'll-
Pippin: Ow! Merry watch out!
Merry: I'm flying!
Gandalf: Of all the …grumblegrump (drags Merry and Pippin off before they injure someone else)
Bilbo: Your attention, please!
Sam: You did write his speech, right Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Sam… this may be the last time we speak to each other.
Sam: Oh dear…
Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Boffins! Grubs! Chubs! Hornblowers! Bolgers! And Proudfoots!
RandomHobbit: Proudfeet!
Bilbo: Whatever. It's my eleventy oneth birthday; I can do what I want.
RandomHobbit: Not if you're going to insult us!
Bilbo: There's more where that came from if you don't quiet down! Now, I don't know half of you… wait…
Frodo: Oh no…
Sam: It was nice gardening for you, especially the magnolias. I'll miss them.
Frodo: Me too, Sam… me too.
Bilbo: No! I've got it! Ahem, I know half of you more than I should like and I hate less than half of you half much as I should.
Sam: Was that right?
Frodo: Sounded okay to me. Maybe I can live through this.
Bilbo: Regrettably, I'm leaving the Shire to go live with tall beings who are by far more good looking than the fairest of you. So, I'm off! Goodbye Frodo, lad wherever you are!
Bink
Frodo: I'm dead.