Shizuma's Confidence
"How was your day?" Nagisa asked as Shizuma walked through the door.
"Ahh, fine, I guess. Had to deal with more assholes that just don't get the hint," Shizuma sighed as she leaned down to give Nagisa a kiss "You?"
"It was good, I got to work the front today instead of just doing more dishes and saw a few people from the classes I am taking and talked to them a bit."
"Really well that sounds good, by the way Nagisa." Shizuma hesitated for a moment; Nagisa had been here for a few weeks now and during that time she still had not removed the Red Ribbon from her arm. As far as Shizuma could tell, she only took it off during showers, and it made her extremely uncomfortable that her Nagisa had worn it during their love making.
"Yes?"
"I have tried to be nice and not pry, but don't you think it is about time you removed that?" asked Shizuma as she took Nagisa's hand in her own and started to move her hand towards the ribbon. She was shocked when Nagisa recoiled as though she had stung her.
"I don't see a problem with it. It's cute and it's not like I where it all the time," Nagisa declared franticly trying to cover the ribbon with her other hand.
"Nagisa, look. I am not going to lie: I don't want you to wear it. You are My Nagisa, and I know that ribbon was Tamao's and I don't like you wearing something you got from another woman while we are making love," spat Shizuma. She had tried to be patient but she was taking this too far. "Now unless you can give me a good reason, you are to take it off."
Nagisa was stuck, she knew there was nothing she could say that would be able to get Shizuma to understand; not that she blamed her. 'I mean what would you think if your girlfriend suddenly turned around and said "hey I think I may have feelings for the girl I shoved aside when I first chose you, and now she decided not to be a part of my life anymore and this is all I have from her."' Yeah, saying that probably wouldn't be the best idea.
"Umm, I don't know where she is going to school and I really miss her, so I wear it in hopes that she will be alright," stammered Nagisa, trying to get an excuse no matter how lame it was in hopes that Shizuma would not make her take it off.
"Nagisa, we have already gone through this. She will get a hold of you, and there is no need for such concern. Now take that off as you are my girlfriend and I will not have you walking around anymore with someone else's item of possession on you." Now Shizuma was getting angry. Shizuma hadn't been too concerned with the last few visits how much the red-haired girl had seemed to grow fond of the poet, figuring it would wear away once she graduated and moved in with Shizuma.
"Possession? What are you talking about?" asked Nagisa legitimately confused.
"Geez, Nagisa what do you think it is?" screamed Shizuma. "She was trying to link herself to you and keep herself in your mind when she tied that on your wrist, just like she did over summer break. She wants you for herself."
"Just stop Shizuma!" Now Nagisa was getting mad. She didn't like Shizuma talking badly or implying anything negative about the poet. "Tamao-chan didn't do anything, I had a friend tie it on me." Angered and wanting to defend her friend, she didn't think of what she was saying.
"WHAT?" Things where really not how Shizuma had expected. Why was she clutching to this thing so hard? There was something going on and she was not going to let it continue. "Nagisa tell me right now what is going on; what happened between you and that little bitch."
Nagisa's first reaction was a white hot torrent of fire erupting in her at the idea of someone talking so negatively about Tamao: even for Shizuma it was too much. Tamao had always done her best to be there for Nagisa, including letting her own heart be shattered by Nagisa multiple times; by moving out and giving the Nagisa the space they needed when she very well could have tried to take advantage of her.
"Stop right now!" Nagisa growled out in a low threatening voice, shocking Shizuma. She had never heard the red head so angry before. "First of all, never speak like that of Tamao again. She tried her best for both you and I. She has done nothing to deserve that kind of disrespect." 'No,' Nagisa thought. 'She didn't deserve it. The real people that did were Shizuma and me.' "It doesn't matter if I wear this Ribbon Shizuma, I chose you. Remember, I broke Tamao's heart not once but multiple times so don't bring up Tamao as though she did something wrong. We both you and I always took advantage of her. I wear this Ribbon because Tamao was so hurt that she wouldn't even tell me where she was going. I lost my best friend because I chose you, so isn't that enough for you? Why can't I keep a memory of her when I already gave up everything else?"
"That was your choice Nagisa, so don't play innocent and try to make it so I am the bad guy. I never forced you to accept all those things she did for you and I only offered the same thing she did and that was loving you." Shizuma wanted to try and be sympathetic for her girlfriend but she was not going to take responsibility and make it so Nagisa didn't feel the guilt she rightly deserved.
Stupefied Nagisa couldn't respond. She knew it was the truth and had thought about it many times, but it hurt all the more to hear Shizuma put it so bluntly. She knew there was something wrong with the situation. Here she was standing with the woman she loved; the woman she chose, arguing over the girl she had given up, but it didn't matter how wrong it was. She couldn't just let it end with her being the bad guy.
"I may have broke her heart, but don't you dare try to act innocent. I didn't force you to come in and dance with me, nor did I ask you to ruin Tamao's crowning moment at the last second and pull me from the ceremony," said Nagisa through tears saying anything, trying desperately to distance herself from what she knew was coming, but Shizuma would have none of it. She loved the red head, but she would not shelter Nagisa. When you make a decision you need to live with it.
"Yes Nagisa, you did break her heart," she started watching the girl flinch. She hated doing this, but it had to be done as they couldn't go on in their relationship if they couldn't move past this. "Nagisa, I am sorry to tell you, but you did those things. If you really cared for your friend like she did you, even if it was only as a friend, you would have turned down the dance. You act like it was my fault, but did you even notice how much it hurt her when you let go and grabbed my hand?" she asked.
No, she had to stop this. Nagisa couldn't let this conversation continue. It was bad enough that she couldn't see her; the feeling that her friend was gone. She already knew she caused her so much pain, and Nagisa dreaded the idea she had done even more without paying attention to it. She started backing away, planning to hide in the bathroom until both her and Shizuma could calm down and get back to their loving relationship, but Shizuma had no intention of letting her go and grabbed her arm to keep the girl from moving.
"I am serious Nagisa. Don't go blaming anyone else. I didn't force you into that dance and I didn't force you to walk out on her Nagisa. You did those things because that was what you wanted. You didn't care about how much you hurt her, and you never did. Even she knew you didn't care about her." Having enough of this, Shizuma decided to get to the point.
"How dare you! Of course I cared about her! She was my best friend and I would have done anything for her that wouldn't have hurt my relationship with you," Nagisa bellowed. "I can't believe you would imply that I didn't care for her or the fact that she knew I didn't: that is just too cruel Shizuma."
"You really didn't see it did you?" Shizuma began, truly surprised at how little the red head knew.
"What are you talking about?" Nagisa once again started to feel the same since of desperation that she felt back when she was trying to find out what Tamao was planning shortly after Shizuma's graduation. There was something about her eyes that terrified Nagisa; almost like a look of pity.
"Nagisa you never cared about let alone loved Tamao." It wasn't a question but a statement of fact, said in such a sure tone that Nagisa couldn't even react. "I hate to tell you this, but she was nothing more than an item of convenience for you. Tell me Nagisa: before she forced you out of her life, how often did you see her sad? How many times did you take the time to comfort her when she was in need? Did you make her cookies for helping you with your French, let alone all the other times she helped you?
She searched her mind franticly for anything that could prove the other girl wrong. Sure she wasn't the greatest friend and she hurt the poet, but she did not use her. She couldn't have, could she? Nagisa kept thinking: coming up with times she had been sad, times she leaned on the bluenette for support. Nothing. She came up with nothing. There was nothing left: she had no shields, not Shizuma, not misunderstandings, not even Tamao hiding. It was never that she was sorry for hurting her 'best friend.' She hadn't given a damn and now she couldn't do anything to rectify it because she was gone.
"I'm sorry Nagisa, but we have to look at facts. I knew more about Tamao then you did. You lived with her physically only; mentally you where never there unless you needed her." Shizuma spoke slowly. She knew Nagisa was in pain, but it was better to get it all out now and move on. "I know you are sorry and that you wished you could have been a better friend, but the past is the past. She loved you anyway, so she obliviously didn't hold it against you."
Nagisa was numb, no way could some treat someone else like that without even knowing it, yet she had. She knew what Shizuma was saying was the absolute truth. All the things that happened suddenly took on a new light: Tamao leaving of the dorm room came screaming back to her. Tamao was trying to work out a deal with a few of her friends that would make things easier on her and hopefully make things more enjoyable for Nagisa as well. Now she knew the person Tamao hated the most had actually paid more attention to her then she did.
"Come on, it's time to let this fake sense of love go. Tamao is gone and I am sorry to say she is not coming back. You are here with me, and I will make sure that we get through this and that you are happy. I love you Nagisa, but we can't live in the past, and you can't try and make it so you were something you never where." Shizuma finally loosened her grip on the girl's arm.
Fake. Is that what she was? Yes she decided that she was, but Nagisa was not a quitter, and she may have hurt and tormented her friend, and she may not be able to make it up to the poet, but she would be damned if she did let go of the things she learned, and if she would sacrifice the feelings that she found. She would not let Tamao's heartbreak or effort to help Nagisa be done for nothing.
"You're right Shizuma. I made so many mistakes and I will make sure that it doesn't happen again. I am sorry that both you and Tamao had to go through that, and I love you, but at least for right now I cannot take off this band. Not until at least with in my heart I have made it up to Tamao," Nagisa stated in a firm voice.
Apart of Shizuma was happy with the response. Nagisa was always a cheerful person that tried her best and being melancholy just didn't fit right on her beautiful features. Another part of her was scared. She knew Nagisa loved her, and wanted to be with her, but it was clear that the red head was determined to make it so the poet was not just some friend she forgot about but someone very special to her. Then again Shizuma figured it was only right that something like this would happen after three years, and she didn't have much to fear Tamao was not likely to come back and even if she did, Shizuma beat her once and she could do so again.
"Well I don't like it. Can you at least put it in your hair instead of on your arm? I don't think the little blue peep would like it very much if she knew it was touching certain places when we got happy," Shizuma said with a lecherous grin, making Nagisa blush and nod her head.
"Yes I think you are right, so are you ready for bed? I think we have talked enough for tonight," Nagisa said, a plan already forming in her mind. She didn't know exactly where she would end up, but she was going to make things better even if she had to give up cheese cake. Well maybe not give it up, but she would at least cut back on it if need be.
"Well, I could go for some make up sex," chuckled Shizuma, turning to head to the bedroom, only to stop at the door and turn to see that Nagisa had not followed her. "You coming?"
Nagisa looked up, coming out of her thoughts. "Oh, no I have to take care of some things. It will probably take awhile so don't wait up; remember you got class in the morning," said Nagisa and then turned and walked to the couch. Reaching into her bag and pulling out her planner, she started flipping through it.
"First we fight, and then you tease me. You're so mean Nagisa," pouted Shizuma before heading into the bedroom. 'Yes this will be very fun.' Shizuma had decided to settle down and though her days of challenge and conquest were over, she would get one last go before she got married and she knew a perfect way to end it. A small voice in the back of her head tried to warn her that she might not be so lucky this time around, but she pushed it away with a smile and thought she already won once, and there was nothing that could take her Nagisa away from her.
–
"Hello, is this Amane?" Nagisa asked through the phone.
"Yes, may I ask who is calling?" said a voice that Nagisa hadn't heard in well over a year.
"It's Aoi Nagisa, from Miator."
"Oh my, Nagisa-chan how are you? I haven't heard from you in a while. Is everything ok?"
"Yeah it has been a long time. Hikari-sama gave me your number before I left school and told me to give you a call sometime to say hi, and if I ever needed to get a hold of her to just let you know."
"She did huh? Well it is nice hearing from ya Nagisa-chan. So what can I do for you?"
Nagisa was barely able to keep her laughter in. Amane was always very shy about her relationship with the tiny Spican. "Well I was needing some help getting a hold of someone, but I can't let the others know since I don't think they would tell me."
"Really why is that?"
"To be honest it is a really long and complicated story which would probably run both yours and Shizuma's bill through the roof."
"Shizuma? Are you to still together?"
She couldn't help but think she heard a bit of disappointment in the older girl's voice. Deciding to ignore that for now she answered the question.
"Oh yeah, after I graduated I moved into with Shizuma and got a job. I thought Hikari-sama would have mentioned it to you."
"Yeah she might have, but I was kind hoping you and Tamao-chan would have worked things out." Amane trailed off towards the end. "Anyway, how can I help you?"
"Well actually it kinda has to deal with Tamao-chan. I was hoping you could tell me where or how to get into contact with her or if you didn't know ask the others and then tell me."
"Really? I thought for sure you would still be seeing Tamao-chan. I mean you are living with Shizuma after all."
"What do you mean?" Why would she say that? Could Tamao be here, and had she been so close yet again but hiding it from her? She had to find her and make Tamao see how much she cared about her.
"Hmm, if you don't know maybe I shouldn't be talking about it. She would have said something if she wanted you to know."
"Listen Amane-sama: I know things are strange, but I really need to see Tamao-chan. I made mistakes in the past and I need to fix, so please understand and tell me. I am begging you."
"Look Nagisa-chan: I don't know what is going on, but I have feeling the situation is similar to what Hikari, Yaya, and I had to go through. Hikari and I were lucky, we hurt someone and they found someone else, but I am not sure that will happen again and I really don't want Tamao-chan to suffer any more."
Nagisa was starting to feel sick, just how many people had noticed how much she hurt Tamao and yet she had stayed completely oblivious and only thought of herself? Did she really have a right to be there for Tamao, to love Tamao as friend or otherwise? She already had two years and didn't do anything regardless of how much she started to feel for Tamao. 'What am I thinking, I have to do this. I may have wasted time but I can make up for it if I try.'
"I know, your right Amane-sama, but please understand. I do not want to hurt her anymore; in fact it is just the opposite. I want to make up for it; I care about her a lot and I am sorry for what happened, so please let me make it up to her," Nagisa pleaded with the girl over the phone for understanding.
"Fine Nagisa-chan but." Amane seemed to hesitate. She knew it needed to be said, but she wanted to stay out of this as much as possible. "Nagisa I can understand what you are doing, but this is going to be dangerous. Someone is going to get hurt and I know you don't want to think about it, but that is reality and if you can't accept that then tell me now. There will be a time when a choice is made and you are going to break someone's heart, and if you can't come to terms with that then I can't help you."
Nagisa hesitated. It was not as if she was going to break up with Shizuma and ask Tamao out, but she knew that if she went through with this then she would be opening up Tamao's hope and with her feelings already being erratic it could end things between her and Shizuma.
'No I need to do this. I can't leave things the way they are, and I need to see her again no matter the cost.' With that her mind was made up.
"I can't promise everything will work out and Tamao won't get hurt again, but I have to see her Amane-sama, and I have to make up for all the pain I put her through. I will not lie, I love Shizuma, but the last two years was so painful without Tamao-chan with me all the time and the idea of being away from her for the rest of my life truly scares me. I love her too Amane-sama. I know that I cannot love both of them the same and I have to pick one of them, but before I can do that, I need to take care of the past before I can move on." Nagisa tried to explain only making herself feel awkward finally admitting that she was in love with the blue-haired poet.
"I have to admit, I really don't want Shizuma to get hurt either, but with everything that Hikari has told me about Tamao-chan, I really believe she deserves a chance at being happy. But you better not tell anybody who told you, got it? I don't want to know what Hikari would do if she found out," Amane finished chuckling out of nervousness.
For the next fifteen minutes Amane went on to explain all she knew about the current situation, and by the end Nagisa was both relieved and seething. She was so close to her and yet she never knew. Then a thought hit her: did she know? She better not have been keeping it from her. After saying a quick goodbye Nagisa hung up the phone and stomped into the bedroom determined to get some answers.
"Did you know?" she practically screamed as she slammed the door open.
"Huh?" said Shizuma trying to wake up after having fallen asleep.
"Did you know she was here?" Nagisa asked again still feeling anger storming inside her.
"Her? You mean the poet?" Shizuma asked.
"Her name is Tamao, damn it!" shouted Nagisa, frazzled. This was the second time in one night and it was starting to get to her.
"Yes I know. How could I forget? You have been talking more about her then us tonight," Shizuma said in a rather annoyed tone. Sure it would be fun beating the poet into the ground for a second time but being woken up was too much. "And why the hell would I know where she is? Last I checked you, Nagisa were my girlfriend: not Tamao."
"Oh sorry, I just found out where she was and thought maybe you had seen her."
"Well where is she then?" asked Shizuma, although by this point she could very well guess, and if she was right then things could become fun and interesting very quickly.
Noticing the change that came across Shizuma's face, Nagisa hesitated to answer for a moment before she realized she had already said to much to back out now. Sighing she took a breath to answer and noticed Shizuma start to smile.
"Tokyo University." Shizuma's smile only got bigger.