It was a dark and stormy night, and John was busy fighting a tiny toy horse. Normally, around this time he was enjoying a book, having a cup of tea, and reflecting on his sins. Instead, he was being thrown around a darkened alley like a ragdoll as two teenagers watched, a blunt passing between them. Just another day on the job.
"Are you really just going to stand there?!" John shouted at them, fury causing his voice to tremble. That, and the fact that he had just hit his head against a brick wall rather hard.
"What do you think, Fanny?" Said the boy, his face made ruddy by the THC coursing through his veins.
"Uh…" replied Fanny, with a pensive look crossing her face, eyes glazed in either thought or intoxication. "I do believe, my darling Henry," mocking John's voice, "That we should indubitably continue to observe this fascinating display."
"Are you kidding me?" Said John, albeit with stronger wording.
John's response was punctuated by him getting thrown into a dumpster. The dynamic duo snickered loudly. A hysterical laugh rose from the pony figurine that was in the midst of pile driving John further into a mountain of trash, causing the two teenagers to descend into even louder hysterics.
"I wouldn't have thought that fighting a damn demon could require so much physical contact…" John thought, annoyed.
"Venite ad compararim crepant!" Cackled the demon.
"We've been rumbling for a good 15 minutes already!" Yelled John, finally managing to pull a cross out from under the folds of his winter coat. "Give me a second, you arse!" He pulled a small slip of paper out as well.
"I have a permit! Et potestas Christi urget vobis. Relinquam!" There was a terrible scream, a smell like burning flesh, a flash of brilliant fire, and then silence. John lay shaking where he had been pile driven, his hand clutching the cross he wore so tightly it drew blood. In the place where the Fluttershy figurine had been standing (or, rather, floating) was a large scorch mark.
"Yo, dude. That was (family-friendly censor) insane." Whispered Henry as he stared at John with a look of awe, or at least as much awe as you can show when you're totally smashed. Fanny took another drag from the blunt.
"That was pretty impressive, if I do say so myself." Called a shadowed silhouette from the entrance of the alley. "Although, it did take you a pretty long time to just take out a cross, didn't it?"
"I got jumped! Besides, you git, there's more to being an exorcist than just shouting with a cross. I had to go through extensive training just to get a permit." John snapped, his anger briefly blinding him to how insane he must have sounded.
"I know, I heard." The voice said, sarcasm tinting the words. "The name is Mustapha Mond. I think you could be of use to me with a little problem I have."
"Holy smokes." Fanny said under her breath, her face twisting into a lopsided grin. "This sounds like the beginning of a plot-driven porno."
Twenty minutes later, John and Mustapha were sitting in the latter's apartment. The area was spacious, with a modernistic yet sophisticated air about it, and John wondered idly just what the other did for a living. A place like this must have cost quite a bit of money.
"I'm the CEO of a business with a headquarters here," Mustapha said, as if reading John thoughts. "Recently, I've noticed some…" He paused for a moment as an embarrassed blush tinted his chestnut-colored face. "Strange things happening around our building. I was walking home today when I saw you, and was just about to help when I realized just what was attacking you."
"Seeing a pony figurine judo flipping people does tend to have that effect on people." John replied, raising an eyebrow. Mustapha cleared his throat, face now nearing crimson.
"I realized that you may be able to help with my business'…well…predicament." He said. "Recently, there've been some concerning things happening in the building and the surrounding area. Mass disappearances, insanity, the like."
John raised an eyebrow, thinking he was joking, but then realized that Mond was being completely serious.
"After seeing you handle your own problem, I thought that maybe you'd be able to investigate ours."
John furrowed his brow for a moment before sighing. "I don't believe that an investigation needs to be approved by the church, so, yes, I think I can help."
A smile grew on Mustapha's face, dark eyes glittering. "Then I think this deal is done!" He grabbed John's hand and shaked it fervently, then handed John a sheet of paper with some information on it. "Oh! I almost forgot about your payment."
John put both of his hands up and away from his chest, "No, no, nonononono, that won't be necessary…"
"Nonsense! I can't see you working on this without any sort of payment," Ripping a slip from his checkbook, he scribbled an amount and crammed it in John's hand, then proceeded to show him out of the apartment.
"Thanks, again," Mond said, and then promptly shut the door.
"What have I gotten myself into this time…"