Disclaimer: everything in Babylon 5 belongs to JMS and Warner Bros., I'm just borrowing some of it. The title of this story is a loose translation of a line from a Russian song of the space era, music by V. Muradeli, lyrics by Y. Dolmatovski. Not making any money. Don't sue.

Chapter II

The Waking

By chimère

Ene woke to find a white face looking down on her. She tried to recoil in horror, but couldn't move a muscle. She shut her eyes again, trying to block out the resurrection of an old nightmare.

She had been a teenager during the Earth-Minbari war, the first horror of life that began to wake her up from the safety of childhood. There was one thing she remembered most clearly about the war. One day, ISN had triumphantly announced the death of the captain of a Minbari warship. Ene had later begun to suspect that it had in fact been a flyer pilot, as she couldn't see how humans could have killed a warship captain and recovered his body. It would have been typical of Earth administration to fabricate such a story in their desperation to calm the populace. But whoever it had been, she still remembered the image of his dead face on the TV screen – bone-white and horrible. That face had haunted her dreams for several years, even after the absurd surrender of the Minbari in the Battle of the Line, when her world that had been about to end was allowed to continue. The face of death.

Awareness returned, this time with sufficient clarity to bring the pain with it. It was a hard, heavy and almost, but not quite unbearable pain, telling her that she hadn't woken into heaven, hell or any other kind of afterlife, but into her own world. The world she had come to hate so much that she'd tried to escape it. Hadn't succeeded, then. Damn.

Her surroundings – as much as she could see, since moving her head was out of the question – seemed to belong to a spaceship, but to a completely unfamiliar one. And it suddenly registered to her that the bed she was lying on wasn't horizontal, but set at an angle. This fact together with the memory of the white face so similar to the one from her nightmares led her to the conclusion that she was on a Minbari ship. She couldn't understand it. If anything, she would have expected a Centauri vessel. In some ways, this was even worse.

Suddenly she heard an exclamation in a foreign tongue – Minbari, no doubt – and made the mistake of turning her head. Through the pain, her brain dimly registered a tall white-robed figure, unmistakably Minbari. It was probably a doctor, since it stepped closer and waved an odd instrument with many tiny blinking multicoloured lights over her body – Ene supposed it was the Minbari version of a medical scanner. She squinted to get a clearer look at its face. She thought it was a female.

After a few moments the doctor finished her examinations, uttered another incomprehensible phrase in Minbari and strode away. Ene resigned herself to wait. What else could she do, after all.

"Who are you?"

The English was perfectly understandable, if a bit accented. Ene forced her drooping eyelids open again and flinched involuntarily. This face was an even eerier likeness to that of the long-dead Minbari from her nightmares. Definitely a male, and as far as she could tell, a warrior. He wasn't dressed in white, but wore a dark brown cloak or robe with a conspicuous brooch pinned to the chest. Ene couldn't quite make out the shape of the brooch, her eyes were too tired.

The question was repeated, "Who are you?"

She tried to answer and found that her voice cracked pathetically. Finally, she forced it out, "Ene… Maaroos. From Earth."

"What were you doing on the Narn Homeworld?"

"Helping the resistance."

"You're not an ally of the Centauri?"

"No."

"Why would a human choose to help the Narns, when your world has taken the side of the Centauri?"

Ene tried to shrug and gasped in pain.

The warrior asked the doctor something, then turned back to her, a slight frown on his face. "The painkillers we have given you should not make you drowsy or unresponsive. Why are you not opposing this interrogation? Most members of your race would refuse to answer, question me in turn, want to know my name, where they were, what a Minbari ship was doing in Narn space."

"I don't care." Ene was very tired and, inexplicably, very close to tears.

"My name is Neshann of the family Sahaeri, Warrior Caste. I am a Ranger and the captain of this ship, the Fili'Shal. We were sent here by Entil'Zha on a secret rescue mission to aid in the evacuation of as many Narn refugees as possible. We recovered some, but arrived too late at the centre where you worked. You were the only one we were able to save from the rubble. You are gravely wounded, but will make a full recovery in time. What you did at the refugee centre was a feat of great bravery and sacrifice. You have my respect." The Minbari bowed, his hands and thumbs forming a triangle in front of his chest.

Ene didn't understand half of what Neshann had said, but in her state, comprehension was a luxury. What she did understand, and wished she didn't, was the tone of his voice. It was respectful, friendly, soothing. It threatened to break her control.

She couldn't hold it back any longer, and despised herself for that. "I wanted to die," she whispered. "Why didn't you just leave me there."

Neshann's staring face faded into black as she passed out.

The next waking was better. Life never got quite so horrible that you couldn't take it any more (unless you were a total weakling) – that was the thing she hated most about it.

Ene simply lay on the strange bed. She let her eyes follow the Minbari sometimes moving in the room, but was now wise enough not to turn her head. And she tried to forget everything, to let her awareness dissolve in the silvery grey colour of the ceiling, in the silent effectiveness of the Minbari, in the quiet humming of the ship's engines. She tried to forget her long-ago, almost dreamlike – nightmarish – life on Earth, the faces of the Narn children, her humiliating outburst after Neshann's questioning. She tried to simply be, and remember nothing.

She almost succeeded.

The next time Ene woke she was on Babylon 5. Noise, so characteristic of this station, assaulted her ears. She was lying on a wheeled hospital bed and being pushed along a corridor at top speed while medics yelled instructions over her head. She decided that the best strategy would be to pass out again, which she did.

"Well, well. It seems that you've ended up right where you started."

"Not quite." She then realised who the voice belonged to and screwed her eyes open. "Doctor Franklin."

"In person," the doctor replied with a slightly evil smile. "And it seems that you've taken quite a beating, wherever it was you were. Didn't I tell you that it was a bad idea to go?"

"Repeatedly."

"It's quite clear that you're the insubordinate type. This station is crawling with such people, I think it has some sort of a natural magnetism for them. Pity, that. I'd rather not have yet another troublemaker staff member, but there you have it."

Ene could only stare.

"You'll be on your feet soon enough, the Minbari doctors did a good job. I expect you to show up for work three days after I release you from MedLab."

"What did I earn this with?" she finally managed to ask incredulously.

"It would have been quite safe to tell me that you were going to Narn. I think we share a fondness for the Narn culture. And what you did there… I'm impressed."

Not wanting to think about the praise she hadn't earned in the least, Ene asked, "So you're not shipping me back to Earth?"

"Even if we wanted to, that could prove to be difficult. But if you have family there you want to get back to, we could try to arrange something –"

"If I had family, I wouldn't be travelling around the galaxy and trying to get killed on the Narn Homeworld. What's this about it being difficult to contact Earth?"

"Haven't you heard? You haven't, have you? Of course, I should have realised… anyway, Babylon 5 has broken away from Earth. President Clark declared martial law on top of everything else that's been going on back home, and then ordered the Nightwatch to take over command here. Seceding from the Earth Alliance was the only thinkable option for us, but it has made us very much personae non grata with the current administration. They tried to force us to give over the station, but we fought back and drove them off."

Ene digested this for a while. "So Babylon 5's independent now?"

"Yes."

"Under the command of Captain… Sheridan?"

"That's correct."

"So… no elections, no civilian government. A military state."

"It's only a temporary solution."

"The temporary has a tendency to endure."

"You see? I knew you were a troublemaker. Get some sleep now. But don't take too long. Who knows what other historic events you might miss."

"But that would put me in an excellent position to complain later that no one could get anything done properly without me."

Doctor Franklin chuckled and started to leave the room. He stopped briefly at the door and said over his shoulder, "By the way, Professor Maaroos – welcome back to the society."

The forced cheerfulness evaporated in an instant and she had to struggle to contain the resentful anger welling up in her. Doctor Franklin left without noticing anything, but she spent hours wrestling with her thoughts and memories and a desire to smash everything within reach into tiny pieces. Finally, no calmer than she had been, but too spent to be properly angry any more, she fell asleep.

Ene opened her eyes to look straight into another pair, dark grey in a pale face. It took her a moment to realise that they belonged to Neshann. The Minbari said nothing and simply looked at her.

A bit annoyed at this invasion of her privacy, she remarked, "I seem to keep waking up to find someone hovering over me. Was there something that you wanted, Captain?"

"Only to see how you were." Neshann fell silent, but Ene refused to be ashamed of her rudeness. "You say that you have woken up," the Minbari continued after a while, "but to me it seems that you are still sleeping. And dreaming terrible dreams."

"Oh dear. Minbari philosophy. Didn't you say that you belonged to the Warrior Caste?"

"I do. That does not make me blind."

"It certainly does seem to make you stupid enough not to take a hint. Leave me alone."

But even an outright insult produced no results. Neshann continued to stare at her and finally said, "You are angry enough to want to destroy everything, but since that is beyond your capabilities, you sought to destroy yourself. I have seen others like you whose only wish is death. I believe you should try to build on that desire, to make something out of it. Death is a powerful tool when used for a purpose, not wasted on suicide. You should become a warrior, even better – a Ranger. You are certainly brave enough, and this would give you a purpose in playing with death."

Ene waited and once it was clear that the speech was finished, burst out laughing. "Thank you for the psychoanalysis, Captain, but I don't believe that everyone's problems could be solved by joining these Rangers who seem to have appointed you as an official recruiter. I'm just fine in my current position, and I don't intend to ever become a soldier. I am intelligent enough to be something else, and believe me, if I should feel the urge to kill someone, I could do it just as well without a cloak and a brooch."

Neshann, emotionless as a true Minbari, accepted this with a nod. "If you would, call me Neshann instead of Captain," he said quietly, bowed in the Minbari fashion and left the room.

"Doctor, I still don't see how we can be sure that she isn't a spy of the Nightwatch. No one has checked her background and now it's no longer possible – very convenient for her. It was all right as long as she was just passing through here, but now that she's working here… how can we know that she's really on our side?"

"Do you think she would have risked her life helping the enemies of Earth's new allies if she were sympathetic to Clark's regime? Look, I'm satisfied, the Captain's satisfied, even Mister Garibaldi is satisfied. This is the third time we've had this conversation and if you come to me with this rubbish again, Jeffries, I swear I'll make you clean out bedpans for two weeks. Or better yet – I'll give you over to citizen G'Kar. Let's see how he'll take these accusations made about a person who helped his people's resistance."

Ene cast one glance at the Junior Assistant Jeffries now hurriedly backing away and bent over the blood samples she was testing. She sighed, irritated mostly at herself. She'd thought that she cared not a whit about what other people thought of her. Apparently, she'd been wrong.

"Professor Maaroos." It was the deep, musical voice of G'Kar.

"Citizen G'Kar." Somewhat taken aback at the intense look on the Narn's face, she set the blood sample tube she'd been holding into the rack and looked around. "Is there anything I can do for you? I'm a bit occupied right now, but –"

"I can wait for as long as you like. For you, I could wait a whole year. And the question if there is anything you can do for me must be reversed. You have done more for me, for my people, than I could ever have asked. Is there anything I can do for you? If it is within my power, I shall do it."

Ene was somewhat bewildered. "Well, there's nothing that urgent on my hands right now," she managed. "And your thanks is really unnecessary –"

"Unnecessary? Surely not. Inadequate, certainly, but such is always the case with things greater than what can be put into words. I felt, however, that something more tangible would be required, and I believe I have found an appropriate expression of my thanks." With that, G'Kar handed her a leather-bound book. "It is a handwritten copy of the Book of G'Quon. We give this to very few who are not of our own race."

Ene stared at the gift, the leather smooth and warm under her fingers. It was too much; yet another thing to cause her to lose the control that was becoming increasingly harder to maintain. She hated it for that, hated herself and G'Kar and all the Narns. Wanting to tear it apart but not quite daring to, she twisted the book between her hands and let it drop to the floor.

G'Kar was apparently speechless at such rude ingratitude, but she didn't care. It all burst out suddenly, the words tearing loose from her against her will in a shout that startled half the MedLab, but she didn't care, she couldn't care, because she was no longer in control. "I don't want this! I don't want your thanks! I have done nothing to be praised for! You – everyone – you praise me, but I don't deserve it! D'you think that I went to Narn to help your people? I didn't! I'm not some self-sacrificing hero! I went there to die! I wanted to die and I was too much of a coward to kill myself, so I thought I'd enlist the help of the Centauri! I failed and I regret it! I wish I wasn't here to receive your misplaced thanks! I wish I was dead!"

She ran out of the shocked silence, ran blindly, so that she didn't know where she was when she finally collapsed.

"This is not, I think, the best place for meditation."

The words barely penetrated the fog in her mind, their meaning almost lost. She couldn't reply, she didn't remember how to. If she hadn't been beyond worry, the fact that she had, for the moment, forgotten most of the use of speech, would have troubled her a great deal.

"You are in what is called the Downbelow on this station. It is hardly a wholesome place. You should get back to your quarters."

The voice was closer now, and suddenly something touched her shoulder. A hand? She flinched away.

"Open your eyes, Ene. Look at me."

She couldn't do it. She suddenly found that she was shivering violently.

"Wake up. Wake up from your horrible dreams. Life is not as dark as you see it. Wake up."

She knew that voice, even if the words were still only partly comprehensible. Slowly, her mind formed thoughts. Minbari. Captain. Ranger. Neshann. She blindly lifted her hands to her face, pressed fingertips against the closed eyelids. Her cheeks were dry.

"What…" Her voice was broken, wheezing. "What are you doing here?"

"At the moment – trying to convince you to come with me, back to your quarters."

"You… are a warrior. Surely you have better things to do. I am not a… suitable project."

"You are mistaken. This is where Rangers differ from most warriors. This, here, is what we do."

"And… what would that be? Saving lives? I've already told you that I don't want you to save my life."

"But I think you do. The will to live is strong. Even you have not quite abandoned it."

Ene opened her eyes. She couldn't see much, light was dim. Neshann's white face glowed faintly in front of her.

"Where – where am I? What's happened to me?" She sounded like a frightened child and didn't have the strength to properly despise herself for that.

"I think you collapsed under the stress. You are broken and finally couldn't hold yourself together any more."

That was true enough to hurt. She had lost control, and felt herself about to lose it again. What was happening to her? Was she going mad?

"Three years ago a band of criminals fresh from prison came to my family's farm at night. They killed my parents. I was away in town, busy with my science. The farm has been empty ever since. I've tried to run it from a distance, but it's just… dead." There, she'd said it. No more secrets to keep or weaknesses to hide. No more control.

Neshann looked at her steadily, his eyes level and unblinking. He didn't say a word, didn't touch her, but she could feel his compassion. It was almost tangible, and it was warm – like his face stood out in the darkness, his compassion was the first warmth she had felt in a long time. She couldn't help but reach for it – he had been right, she still did want to live.

At first she thought that she couldn't cry, she didn't remember how to, just like she hadn't remembered speech a short while ago. But then the tears came, painful like opening an infected wound, and the relief was just as immense as the pain, and that was how she woke up from her nightmares.