Disclaimer: I do own Transformers (2007) or Transformers: Generation 1.

Warning: Can I just make a little side note that this OC is, um, disturbed...? I'm not kidding when I say that you may find what she says in this chapter to be...offensive...Be warned that this is not only a clean freak, but a person who hates her own kind, so...enjoy the absurdness.

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Seventeen percent say they do.

Thirty two percent say they don't.

Fifty one percent say 'it depends.'

Ah, ah, ah, no! You idiots! Gah! Ick! Shield my eyes!

I couldn't help but cringe when Leo grinned at my discomfort, giving me an eyefull of the food that hadn't yet passed his mystery-to-me white teeth. Sam smiled slightly in sympathy, but nothing could reassure me at the moment. They were all filthy, and they knew it. Well, they knew that I thought it. The fact that they were all eating food that had just fell on the floor was enough to make me cringe, but they also talked while they ate and laughed so that pieces of the food escaped their mouths. My whole body was screamming at me to get out of there, but I couldn't. Not with Hound watching. He was on guard duty to make sure that I ate. I had refused to eat anything for two days after I watched a youtube video about the five second rule. As I watched the soldiers, and Leo, chow down on bacteria-ridden food, I seriously considered showing them the video while they ate. But I couldn't do that. If there was anything more disgusting than watching someone eat food that had just fallen on the floor, it was watching it come back up. The poor table had already been abused with saliva covered crumbs. Why torture it, and me, with-? Ick. No way. Don't even finish that thought. It was bad enough that the floor was covered with mud. Why would the soldiers just dig in to the food, anyway? Wouldn't they want to wash their hands after being in battle? For the love of-at least take your boots off at the entrance so that you don't track mud inside! But no. The moment they saw food, it was like they had turned into a pack of wolves charging after a lone deer.

I dodged behind Hound to avoid the stampede even though Mirage was closer. Mirage had as much to worry about as I did, and I didn't want to make him more anxious by jumping behind him and have him feel the heat from my body. If it grossed me out, it would gross him out. At least I had an excuse. Hound was technically my guardian. Whoever made that decision, however, needed some wires...rewired. Why place the clean freak human with the nature (dirt) loving autobot? It makes no sense! Then again, I could say the same about Mirage and Hound being a couple.

On the other hand, it did make sense...in a way...Hound was nice and he didn't treat Mirage like dirt...and I guess having Hound be my guardian was better than Mirage. Scratch that. Way better. It wasn't like I hated Mirage. On the contrary, I found him interesting, noble, loyal and...I lowered my head slightly. S-S...I don't deserve to even think it, but Mirage was attractive. I tried to stay clear of him as often as possible, but it was difficult with Hound around. Since they were bonded, they stuck together like sleak white glue in its unopened container. I considered myself the spilled dye seeping into the glue in their relationship. I didn't want to be anywhere near them in fear of being the third wheel. The last thing I wanted to do was annoy Mirage. Just the thought of angering him...I didn't deserve Hound's attention since he was Mirage's bondmate, I didn't deserve Jazz's attention since he was Hound and Mirage's superior, and I sure as hell didn't deserve Mirage's glance in my direction every now and then, let alone the instances when we would cross paths. We had touched...once...But it was a complete accident! I thought he was Hound! Primus knows how...It was a slight brush, nothing more, but once I knew it was Mirage, my face had burst into a bright red cherry before I scrambled from the room murmuring something incoherant. I prayed to Primus that Mirage took it as nothing more than me hating touch rather than something else...even though the something else would be true enough...Regardless, I let Hound touch me, if only because I knew that he wouldn't be offended by my filth. Hell, the bot had given Sam a massage! What Cybertronian would do that if they weren't offended by human odor?

Of course I agreed with Ironhide one hundred percent about human pets. Human lubricant is disgusting enough in itself, but having an animal stain your house in it and primus knows what else is just-Ick! How do people survive in that filth? Never mind what your stepping in, think about what your smelling! Nothing but a wrecking ball and one hundred cans of febreze would benefit that odor! Better yet, light a thousand candles and set the whole place on fire! If you can't clean it, destroy it!

I don't care if Sunstreaker is branded as the autobot that hates humans, I agree with him! Humans are disgusting! Of course I wouldn't shoot them like Ironhide would...I'm not idiotic...After all, if you do shoot them, your just creating more filth. You know, with the blood all over the place and brain matter and who knows what else...It's better just to deal with humans. I'd rather clean soot than blood. How a person can willingly go into forensics or pathology I'll never know...For that matter, why do humans willingly go to war? Why is Mirage in the war, anyway? Forget the blood, the circumstances, the environment that you live in...I'd go mad in a day. Guess that's why I'm not a soldier, but still...Wasn't Mirage neutral at one point? I thought for sure that he was...Maybe Hound made him change over? I never did ask...and I never will. I would never ask Mirage for anything. I've already stepped over the line byconversingwith Hound every now and then...Not that I have any say in it. It's considered rude to not answer a question when asked. At least, that's what I had been taught growing up. Then again, I had also been taught that it's rude to blow your nose while someone else is eating...even when your in another room...and to never, god forbid, blow your nose in a restaurant even if your nose is dripping. I mean, sure, I can understand if you use the fancy napkins or your sleeve or something...but if you use the napkin that had been under your drink, and it already has that wet circle on it...It's just water! Water's clean! Their just going to throw it away anyway! Why not just take it? But, nooo...

"Aw, sweety, do you still have that cold?" my mother asked sweetly.

"No," I said as I blew my nose with the wet napkin. I couldn't take it anymore! I couldn't breathe! What was I supposed to do, suffocate? God forbid you breath through your mouth, either...

"It's okay, sweety. I still have the cold from last week." She didn't have a cold last week, though. The last time she had had a cold was a few months prior-

"I don't have a cold."

Her eyes were as cold as ice as she smiled and mouthed 'no.' "It's okay, sweety," she said again. Sweety my aft. She wasn't fooling anyone. Damn witch...It never made any sense to me how a person who is so worried about what other people think about them has the gall to have a filthy house. Thank Primus the house was condemned. Piles of stuff all over the place...droppings on the counter and the plates and basically everything a normal person would eat off of...covered in filth. The dishwasher was never used. Flies lived in the refrigerator. Moldy bread was eaten without a care. How the witch never got sick I'll never know. Cats crawled all over the place, clawed the furniture and left hair all over the place. The place stunk of urine. The fumes stuck to my clothing even if I was down there for five minutes. In a way, five minutes was like an eternity. How I survived in that house during my preteen years I will never know. Now if someone would have set that house on fire with the witch in it, I would've danced in the rain even if I risked getting my feet covered in mud. In a way, mud was a lot better than urine. Way better.

I blinked as a clear container was pushed my way. Sam smiled at me. "It was already cut in half." Sam had been there to witness the food fall to the floor and was smart enough to not eat it. I guess he had gotten up at some point to get something that wasn't completely germ covered. It was a dry sandwich. Cheese and lettace. No tomato, no meat, no condiments. Thin white bread. No hair, no nails, no visable human fingerprints. Even though it was placed in a container, someone in the kitchen had the brains to neatly package each half of the sandwich in plastic wrap. And everyone used new gloves for Sam's sandwiches since he usually delivered half of them to me, so...

"Thanks," I mumbled as I took the wrapped sandwich and went over to a bench. I didn't trust the container to be clean and the woman next to me was starting to annoy me. She wouldn't stop talking even though she had food in her mouth. Even Leo had closed his mouth at that hideous sight. Wise choice for a class C idiot. Humans are idiots. Worse than idiots. An idiot can get killed by a demon if they look human. An idiot goes with the flow. A smart person does research and pays enough attention to know that something is wrong. Weakness is easy to see. Does a person exploit that weakness? Which side of the fence are they playing on if they do? But there's more than one side. If you have only one path, you'd think your only option would be to go down that path. But the other choice is to stay where you are. Sit, stand, doesn't matter. You can stay where you are and not go anywhere. Can you? Yes. Should you? Depends. Is that the smart thing to do? Hell no. Even if you remain frozen in time in a realm where you don't want to move, and the world is letting you stand-sit-remain still, fine. One problem. Time moves whether you move or not, so by not moving, your really just dooming yourself to extinction. Does it matter? Probably. Yes. But you don't know that. You think the world can go on without you. You think your life doesn't matter. According to Optimus, every life matters. Therefore, there's always a choice. Or so he says. I really can't see how 'susgesting' that I visit Smokescreen is a choice. That was an order and we both knew it.

Smokescreen is...Well, he's not human. And he doesn't give me drugs or hold me down or try to shoot or coddle me. So he's okay.

Jazz is one of those special cases. Technically he's an idiot since he goes with the flow. But he's smart enough to not get killed by the enemy and pays enough attention to know that something is wrong. He doesn't have to do research since he records everything and he's third in command. He had to do something right.

Prowl...Well, Prowl's no idiot. He wouldn't be second in command if he was.

Optimus has his own faults, but he is definently no idiot. No one who gets handed the Matrix is an idiot. At least, that's what Blaster tells me. I'm still not sure about Rodimus. Sentinal didn't exactly seem like the right guy for the job. Optimus fired him and gave Rodimus a reality check. Bottom line, I'm not messing with Prime. Ever. I'd be an idiot if I did.

I like Ironhide. They should just hand me off to Ironhide. Blaster said they were afraid-No, they just didn't want me near him. What's the guy gonna do, shoot me? He's an autobot, or did they miss that memo? It's not like the guy is going to hand me a gun. Sheesh. He may look like a tough guy, but he has a sense of humor. I like watching Ironhide work. It's interesting. Graceful, in a way. Not as graceful as Mirage, but still. Pretty impressive in my book.

What's my point? Simple. You know the percentages at the beginning of my endless ramble? That was for how many people follow the five second rule for food and eat it afterward. Seventeen percent. Idiots. Do you know how many bacteria-? 150 to 8,000 bacteria bond to dropped food. That's at least 150 bacteria too many. Thirty two percent say they don't. Basically, they waste food. Idiots. When the world goes to the dogs they'll want that food. It depends. Depends on what? If it's plain squid or shrimp you throw it out, but if it's a a bagel with cream cheese that is covered in hair and primus knows what else, you'll eat it? What kind of logic is that? We're stupid at times. We make mistakes. But we can fix our mistakes and can be the smartest person in a room. Humans are humans no matter how you look at it.

In my human nature, I was too wrapped up in my sandwich to notice that Mirage was staring at me. If I had bothered to look up, I would have seen Jazz smile. Red Alert should set off the alarms when Jazz gets a devious scheme in his processor. But if he did, we'd never hear the end of it. I guess that's why Mirage turns invisible whenever Jazz is around. If I was blessed with the gift of invisibility, I would thank Primus everyday. I have a feeling every mech on base who were the victims of pranks would too.

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Author's Note: "If you can't clean it, destroy it!" XD Yeah, don't follow this OC's guidelines...