(This chapter contains real accounts from child soldier's testimonies. They are highlighted in black. I wanted to share them as a way to bring awareness to those horrible practices and bring up the debate about the subject. In no way I mean to take advantage of their stories. If you want to know more about the psychological impact of war in children, see on this link: /2BOgsyT)
The testimonies have been changed to fit the story.
Sousuke! kill him! Kill him now boy!, said a dark figure standing in a field of never ending snow.
"I can't", said a little boy with grey eyes, wearing an old t-shirt. Even though it must had been freezing because of the strong wind, he was using that thin piece of fabric. The little child clenched his hands in a fist in frustration and tears felt from his eyes.
They boy was standing in front of another small boy, around five years old, kneeling in the cold icy ground. He was crying a begging the man in the long black coat for his life, but he received no answer from the man. So he then grabbed the young boy's legs, expecting some mercy, but again, received no answer.
"Do it! Blow his brains out. Fire!", kept yelling the man in the black coat as he put a gun on the child's hands. To big and heavy for him to hold.
"Please no!", said the boy with grey eyes as he tried to hold the weapon in tears. He couldn't bring himself to do what the man was asking him to.
"Kill him or I'll rape you. Do it!", screamed the man as he took thehands of the boy with grey eyes, aiming the gun to the kneeling boy's head.
The tears of the boy with grey eyes froze in his cheeks.
"No", said the boy in an almost whisper, getting lost in the sound of the screams of the kneeling child.
"Do it boy! Or I'll rape you", said the man holding a knife to the young boy's face.
"Please", begged the boy with grey eyes, but the man kept aiming the gun towards the other child.
"No!", screamed the boy and...
BANG!
Sousuke woke up at the sound of the gun shot.
After adjusting his eyesight, he realized he was sleeping next to Kaname, as he did every night after he had rescued her from Leonard Testarossa.
He thanked the fact that he wasn't wearing a t-shirt because of the hot weather. It will had been covered in his nightmarish sweat, but the sheets didn't seem so lucky.
Kaname didn't woke up from his reaction, so he stood up slowly and walked towards the balcony to take a breath.
He felt trapped inside the apartment, it was suffocating for him. He knew what that dream was about, but he couldn't allow himself to think about it. It was too painful and maybe the worst memory he had.
I had been weeks since he had a nightmare and he was feeling much better, so he couldn't understand what had triggered that dream.
After the last conversations he had with Dr. Allen about his past, more bad memories had started to appear in the back of his mind, but this was by far the worst of them all. He wished to forget what was coming back to him.
"You OK?", said Kaname. She had woken up after noticing that Sousuke wasn't in the bed with her. She knew he usually walked to the balcony after a bad dream and that he feeling anguish.
"Everything is fine", he said and gave her a soft kiss on the lips with a tender smile.
She kissed him again and slowly it evolved into a deeper kiss.
Sousuke hold Kaname closer and she could feel his breath on her neck. She loved when they kissed like that, as if nothing else existed, just as he done on the school playground that day when they came back to each-others arms.
"Please no!," screamed the boy.
The violent memory made Sousuke pull away abruptly from Kaname. He looked scared and started to breath heavily.
"Please talk to me Sousuke", said Kaname as she gave him a tight hug, "Please tell me what's wrong?"
"I'm fine Kaname. You don't need to worry. Please, let's just go to bed", said Sousuke trying to calm himself down.
He wanted to avoid any questions about his current feelings so he walked pass Kaname, back to the bedroom.
He had a sad look on his face so Kaname didn't insisted. She knew he was hiding something but she didn't wanted to force it.
She had talked many times with Dr. Allen and knew about the things that Sousuke was willing to share with her, but lately she had noticed that there was something bothering him and it was coming back to him every time they got a little to "close."
…..
"Sousuke, you have been more quite that usual. What is it?", asked Dr. Allen while looking into his patient's eyes.
"It's nothing. Kaname has been worried lately", said Sousuke as he stared at the wall, trying to avoid any conversation that could bring back bad memories.
"Why do you think is that?", asked Dr. Allen.
Sousuke hadn't opened up one bit about his past in the several months he had be receiving treatment. It was very worrying that he kept all his emotions to himself.
"I don't know", lied Sousuke. He wasn't looking forward to talk about anything.
"You do know or you don't want to talk" asked the doctor a little upset.
"Maybe I don't", said Sousuke with coldness and looked him straight in the eye with anger.
Dr. Allen moved his chair closer to him, if he was going to open up, it was now or never,
"You were a child soldier Sousuke. It made you experience violent events too early in life", said Dr. Allen trying to convince him to speak, "It's different from adults who go to war."
"It was the same for me as it was for any other soldier", said Sousuke, now in an aggressive tone. He knew he was different to other soldiers, but he didn't wanted to feel that way. He didn't wanted to be considered a freak.
"Sousuke, talk to me", said the doctor, putting a hand on the boy's shoulder.
"I said I'm fine!", screamed Sousuke and pushed his hand away. "You don't know what is like so don't ask as if you do know!"
He stood up violently from his chair, he wanted to leave. Dr. Allen grabbed him by the arm trying to stop him. He could feel that the young soldier was furious.
"You can trust me Sousuke. I won't say a thing to anyone. But how can I understand you if you refuse to talk to me," he said, trying to make the boy stay.
It was too hard for Sousuke to remember those things, he felt a strong pressure in his heart. So he closed his eyes in grief, it was too much for him to handle.
But if war had taught him anything, it was that he should nevershow weakness.So he took a deep breath and tried to calm down.
"Please, sit Sousuke", said Dr. Allen and showed him the way back to the couch. Sousuke thought about what he will do for a moment, but decided to stay.
The doctor took the phone in his desk and dial a number, "Please Mary I want to clear my agenda for the afternoon." he said to his assistant.
He hanged up the phone and walked towards Sousuke. "Talk to me", he said while sitting on his chair. He crossed his hands and focused his attention on the young boy.
"What do you want me to say?", said Sousuke in a harsh tone. He refused to look at the doctor even-though he couldn't explain why he felt mad at him. After all, he was trying to help him.
"Let's start with how you became a soldier", said Dr. Allen. He wanted to make small questions to avoid Sousuke from leaving. He didn't wanted to force it.
"I was recluted by the Russian KGB for a child soldier's program", answered Sousuke sharply.
"How old were you?", asked Allen, keeping his sentences short.
"About five", said Sousuke. His hands were clenched on a fist and he kept his eyes on the wall.
"And what did they made you do?", asked Allen.
"Stuff", answered Sousuke. That wasn't an answer so Allen asked again.
"Like what?" He kept his eyes on Sousuke's expressions and reactions.
"Train and learn how to fight", answered Sousuke in a cold voice. He didn't wanted to talk anymore.
"What did that mean Sousuke? What did make you do?", said Dr. Allen. He wanted Sousuke to tell him the truth about what happened.
Sousuke kept looking to the wall, keeping his eyes away from Allen. Somehow he felt that the doctor will leave him alone if the didn't payed attention to him
"Don't act like that Sousuke. I want to help you," said Dr. Allen reaching out to Sousuke's hand, trying to make him feel reassured. He looked back at him.
After a few moments, Sousuke let go of his hand and said, "We had a commander. When you would not follow the commander's rule, he could get very angry. People would get beaten terribly for disobedience or if they tried to escape…"
"What did he do?", asked Allen. He needed to get the information out of him now that he was finally talking.
"Why do you want to know?", asked Sousuke, this time looking into his eyes.
"I want to help you. But I can't do that if you don't let me in".
"Alright, you want the truth? This is my truth", he said looking into doctor's eyes.
"When the soldier's wounds were open and bleeding, salt was rubbed inside. In that the commander was merciless. You had to follow the rules or you would lose the 'protection'. When people did something really wrong, they got killed as a punishment", said Sousuke with sadness.
"What else?", asked Allen.
Sousuke sighed and said, "I have seen five people being killed for severe disobedience during my time with the group. They were crucified in the forest. The commander would order them being nailed to trees at their hands and feet higher up on tall trees. The nails were thick ones, like those you would use to nail big logs for the roof of a house. You would first nail through the palms of the hand and later through the feet, just below the ankle and then turn the nail around so as to fix the foot to the tree stem. Sometimes the commander then ordered for people to be burnt with hot plastic again and again until they had real holes in their bodies"
"What did it mean to disobey?", asked Dr. Allen trying to make him speak more about it.
"Anything could trigger his anger. He did that when we didn't do what he wanted. We didn't really knew why we were taken there or why we trained so hard. The only thing we knew was that the commander must be obeyed in everything… " said Sousuke, he looked like he was in a lot of pain, but he didn't wanted to show much of an expression while telling that story.
"After spending five years with the KGB, they told me to assassinate a man. General Mahjid", he added.
"Who was him?", asked Dr. Allen and Sousuke made a small smile.
"Did you like that man?", asked the doctor.
"He wasn't a good man, but he was better than the KGB", said Sousuke with a less painful look on his face, "After I failed to kill him he just spared my life. It was the first time someone had showed me mercy. He fed me and gave me a house to live in, so of course, I left the Russian army and joined his ranks."
"Did he ever make you do anything you find hard to do?", asked Allen.
Sousuke's face hardened as if the doctor had said something wrong, "He abducted some other children, poor orphans just like me, from the villages nearby", he said. "They used to cry at night missing their parents so I gave them food to stop their tears and help them avoid get beaten by the other soldiers."
He could still remember their little faces, "The General was good most of the time, but he used to be cruel to his enemies. There were times when he made them walk with heavy loads .On the way, I saw how he beat many people to death, probably those who could not keep up with the walking and thedehydration."
"What else?", kept asking Dr. Allen.
"We were told to bring food and girls. One time we found three, but I was forced to kill two since they couldn't manage to carry the heavy loads and keep up", Sousuke's expression seamed sad when he said that.
"Other boys brought girls too that turned into his wifes. I did saw how he raped the girls. I remember one of them had a baby, he didn't live long. The poor girl was so devastated that she took her on life. I buriedher with her baby," for Sousuke, somehow the memory of that day was still clear in his mind.
"Did he ever gave you drugs?," asked Allen.
"The commander never gave us drugs. It was common in other groups to do so, but he wanted us to stay sharp at every situation," he said.
Sousuke got lost in his memories for a moment, then started talking again, "In my time there I learned how to use an armslave and I found my calling, being a pilot. So I became valuable to him and he treated me better."
"How long did you spend with him?", asked Allen. His eyes deep on his notes.
"About five… six years. I can't really remember", said Sousuke. He had fixed his position on the chair. Talking about those memories seemed to make him emotionless, like some foreign memory that actually belonged to someone else.
"How did you scape?", asked Dr. Allen, breaking his train of thought.
"I was captured by Russian forces and there I found Commander Kalinin. He wanted me to live with him and his family. A normal life that I thought I could never have. But when his wife died, he left those ideas behind and we decided to work as mercenaries. After that, we went to Colombia, Angola, Congo and other conflict zones. After that we were hired by Mithrill", said Sousuke. He had never talked about Kalinin after his death.
"Did Kalinin treat you badly?", asked Allen, but Sousuke stood in silence. After all he had been his father for so long and he didn't wanted to speak badly about him.
"Sousuke?", asked Allen again.
"He was the best man I ever knew… and I killed him," said Sousuke a tear fell from his cheek. He cleaned it fast.
"I'm sorry about it. What happened?," asked Allen, sincerely worried about him.
"He asked me to kill him and that's what I did", said Sousuke with sadness as another tear left his eyes.
"I don't really want to talk anymore," he said.
Sousuke stood up from his chair and walked towards the window. He stood silence in for a minute, trying to decide to speak or not.
"Sousuke, did any of them ever did something to you?", asked Allen.
"Someone," said Sousuke while pointing at the scar he had in his face. It was the worst memory of them all.
"They cut my face when I refused to kill a child in Russia as part of my training as an assassin. They said that they will kill me if didn't do it, that they'll... rape me if I refused to kill him", said Sousuke looking at the people down the street from the office window.
"What did you do?," asked Allen, looking at the young boy standing next to the window. He looked as if he was going to break into pieces at any second.
"I didn't do it. I couldn't kill him", said Sousuke and it seemed as if tears will fall from his eyes. He wanted to cry but he couldn't do it. He knew that he didn't had to show weakness, but the memories just kept flooding his bran. It was to painful.
Allen's office stayed in silence with Sousuke's confession. The doctor finally understood Sousuke's refusal to touch Kaname and they way he used to avoid personal affection or people's touch.
Sousuke had been raped when he was young, far to young, and he didn't know how to handle it.
"The next day I killed another boy, I couldn't bear them touching me again", said Sousuke, cleaning the tears from his eyes. "Years later when I was with Mahjid's army, other men tried to do "that" again but I shoot them in the head. The General saw my hate and resolve. He took me in as his son and called me Kashim. "
Allen didn't know what to say about all the horrible things he had heard. In a way he was more surprised that Sosuke opened up so easily to him. But was strange is that other than the few tears, he wouldn't show much emotion.
Sousuke wasn't a psychopath, he knew how to express emotions and empathy towards others. But all that violence had made him immune to it and he could not express his feelings properly.
He knew he will need help with his patient.