Callie lays in bed thinking back to that day of Herman's surgery. First she was upset that her surgery was bumped, but then when she found out it was for Herman's brain surgery, she was worried. Worried because Amelia Shepard seemed to be undertaking a surgery that would have made Derek blink. And then finding out that Arizona was in her first solo fetal surgery, when she's seen her so overwhelmed so many times by this fellowship. I know Arizona is brilliant, but in the past four months she's done more procedures than most residents do in six months. The Latina sighs and gets out of bed. I really need to go see Dawson, she thinks trudging into the shower to get ready for work.
"Seeing Arizona sitting on that couch and knowing what she was going through was so hard. Part of me just wanted to scoop her up in my arms and comfort her, the other part of me knew that was always the problem. Me not knowing when to sit back and listen." Callie explains.
"And what did you do Callie?" Dr Dawson says trying to chew carefully, as Callie has caught her at lunch again.
"I listened and as usual, you were right." Callie says smiling to herself. "I assumed that she was broken and scared and her surgery didn't go well, but that wasn't the case." She looks up briefly, trying to hold back the tears that threaten to fall again. "She's not broken, scared yes, but who wouldn't be scared. And this person who it seems has tormented her for months, is actually someone that she respects and cares a great deal about. I haven't seen this side of her before… I just assumed she had a crush on her or something, but her relationship with Herman is a very deeply layered one, it goes beyond teacher/student, but not in a sexual way."
"How does seeing this feel to you?" Dawson realizes this is the core of the issue and she needs to get Callie to focus on it, before she has to end the call for her next session.
"Jealous. Actually, I'm jealous of it." Callie says slumping back in her chair, as she realizes that's why it's affecting her like this. A buzz in her pocket causes the Latina to shift from patient to doctor. "Um, Dr Dawson, I've got to go, but can you fit me in for an appointment this week?"
"Ok Callie, why don't you come in on Wednesday at 8 am?" She suggests, knowing that if you don't get surgeon's first thing, they may have to cancel.
"Thanks Doctor." Callie says hanging up, then takes a moment to put the appointment on her calendar and set a reminder before running to the Pit.
Callie gets a moment in the late afternoon and she decides to stop by the daycare to check on Sofia. She stops in the hall and stares. Arizona is sitting with Sofia playing with blocks. They are chatting and Sofia is building something with the blocks, but every few minutes, she reaches over to touch the blonde's hair or face. Each touch lights up Arizona's face and results in her flashing her super magic smile. That smile still without fail brightens Callie's mood and causes her to flash her own magic smile. Sofia must sense it, because she looks at the window and waves at her, then reaches back to touch Arizona's face. This causes the blonde to look up and she too smiles when she sees Callie watching them.
"How's it going in here?" Callie asks entering the room.
"Mami, I'm building Momma a house she doesn't have to live with Uncle Alex anymore and I can have my own room." Sofia explains.
"But you have your own room at our house Sofia?" Callie replies, wanting to take the pressure off of her ex, since this is not really the time for Arizona to be moving.
"It's okay Callie, I told her that I was going to be moving soon and she'd get her own room." Arizona explains to her ex.
"Oh, I just thought… Well, okay. Let us know… or me know if you need any help." Callie offers.
"Sure. Thanks. I'll probably wait until after I take the boards, but I want her to know that it's important to me that she has her own space." The blonde adds, looking up at her ex, wanting to gauge her reaction.
"Have you scheduled your boards?" The Latina can't help but ask. It's only been a few days since her ex performed her first solo surgery and Herman is still in a coma after brain surgery.
"No, but I have the schedule and I could take them next month, if I'm ready…" She says with a small smile.
"Oh, that's… well soon." Callie says looking down. She doesn't want to come off as judging her, because she's actually reeling from the thought of Arizona getting her own place. As long as she's staying at Alex's, Callie feels like their break up is temporary, which is crazy, since she's the one who initiated the break up. She makes a mental note to talk this over with Dawson in therapy.
Arizona's unsure what Callie is thinking and doesn't want to argue with her about it, but is she saying it's too soon because she doesn't think I can handle it?
"If you need any help, just let me know. I just found a new sitter and she's awesome, so we can share her. I can't imagine finishing a 12 month fellowship in less than six months, Arizona that's impressive. You're impressive." Callie adds, unable to stop from flashing her a huge smile.
"Thanks Calliope. That means a lot. Thank you." Arizona says thoughtfully.
Looking down at their daughter, Arizona realizes that she needs to head out, so she kisses her and tells her goodbye. Standing up she faces Callie and can't help but lean in for a quick hug and kiss her lightly on the cheek.
Sitting down with Sofia, Callie tries to focus on her daughter, who is explaining all of the rooms that she's built in the house.
"The jealously thing is probably what I should talk about first, huh?" Callie says sitting down in Dawson's office.
"Is that where you want to start?" Dr. Dawson asks. She has to admit that she really is impressed with Callie's processing and awareness right now. For someone who was resistant to therapy, she's really benefitting from it right now.
"Well, no. Actually, I want to talk about Arizona moving on." Callie says, adding. "It feels like she's moving on, but not with someone else. She's just moving on with her life, which is actually bothering me more. Does that make sense?"
"Give me an example of her behavior that indicates to you that she's moving on, Callie?" The doctor asks.
"She's talking about getting her own place." The Latina offers.
"Did you think that she would live at her friend's house forever?" Dawson asks.
"No, of course not. But it's only been a few months. And she's got a lot going on right now. I think I'm just surprised that she'd consider doing it right now." Callie tries to explain.
"Tell me more about that?" The doctor prods.
Pausing to think about what she's said, Callie smiles. "Oh, so this is me judging her without knowing what's going on again?" She says looking up at the doctor.
"Is it?" Dawson reflects back to her.
"It's me wanting to protect her. I feel like she's got so much on her plate right now, that I don't want her to take on more. Also, I admit, I feel guilty that she's living with Alex, when we bought the house together and I'm living in it without her." Callie looks down as she finishes and Dawson hands her the box of tissues. The Latina takes one, then two, then just takes the box and sits it beside her.
"You feel guilty," the doctor states. Trying not to smile, she's glad that Callie has realized her guilt motivates her to gravitate towards her ex. "What was your response to Arizona telling you that she was looking for a place to live."
"Oh, I told her to let me know if she needed help. I just found a new sitter and suggested that we share her, especially since Arizona mentioned that she was going to be studying for her boards." Callie beams, proud of herself.
"Great response Callie. Now do you want to talk about the jealous feelings that you mentioned the other day on the phone?"
"Sure let's talk about me being jealous of a woman in a coma." Callie spits out.
Dawson doesn't respond. She knows there's more coming.
"I don't understand it. That woman almost broke her, but now they are joined at the hip. They practically lived in the Ped's lounge for the last month. Performing 2 or 3 surgeries a day. It was insane, and yet, I've never seen Arizona happier." Callie blurts out. "Which is why I'm so worried about her." She adds.
"Worried about who, Arizona or Herman?" Dawson questions the Latina.
"Oh. I'm not sure. Wait, I'm worried that Herman won't come out of the coma and then I'm worried that Arizona will have to make… She made Arizona her medical proxy, how can she expect my… I mean, Arizona who hardly knows her, how can she put her in that position?"
"Callie where is this coming from, think about it for me and explain." The doctor says, checking their time. Definitely need to focus on this while there's time to sort it out, she thinks.
"I… I… I know how hard that is. I had to do it for Mark, but Mark and I had a child together and I knew him, I loved him. He was my friend. But I wasn't alone. I had Derek and Addison with me, who also knew him and loved him. I can't imagine having to make that decision alone. And when Arizona was so sick, at least I had her parents to talk it over with. They told me to take her leg and save her life; they couldn't lose another child. And I couldn't lose her. Sofia couldn't lose two parents, it wouldn't be fair." Callie pauses to allow herself to break down a little, these are very painful memories. She did everything she could to save Arizona and then ended up losing her anyway.
"It's not jealousy, Dr Dawson. It's more than that." Callie sits forward on the couch, talking directly to her. "I'm still trying to protect her and that's not my role any longer. Hell, it probably was never my role, she's not my child. And as hard as I know this will be on her, there's nothing I can do to prevent her from having to go through it. I just need to support her and be there for her, so she's not alone. Although she kind of is, because I don't know Dr. Herman. But I do know what it'd be like not to be able to be a surgeon any longer. And I definitely know what it's like to lose someone close to you."
Impressed Dawson stays silent, making notes in her book letting Callie's words sink in to her.
"So that's it? This is my breakthrough isn't it?" Callie asks sitting back on the couch and smiling to herself. "So simple. Stop trying to control and protect and just let her be her."