"He just is. I just am, and we just are."- Lang Leav.
Chapter 1
I am a simple woman unknown to those outside of Montesano city limits. I thrive with less. Born and raised in a small town, I was content to grow old there and raise a family there if a miracle happened upon my husband Adam and I. My grandmother always said God created me with his eyes closed, I was that easy. My personality, a true Christian, she'd explain was never so innate than what it was in me. Her golden brown eyes always flickered with such love when she spoke. After my parents passed away when I was six, she became my caregiver. Everyone in town knew her, loved her, and called her Mawmaw. Her words were always spoken with such conviction and she never lied to me. She always said lies were a waste of speech and breath. There existed such a quiet confidence in my grandmother's mannerisms and speech; her peppered gray hair always worn in either a braid or a bun because she couldn't work outside any other way. She taught me to garden flowers, fruits, and vegetables, and she also graced me with her famous secret apple pie recipe. It was county fair award winning, she'd tell me as her eyes drew up and stared with a feigned glare, and I would roll my eyes at her.
"I won't tell a soul Mawmaw" I'd finally say, and she would return to kneading the dough.
I was a freshman in high school and Adam was a junior when he came to mow our yard one day. Our mower had broken, and he offered to help since he lived two houses down. My best friend Angela came specifically because I called excitedly to tell her that Adam Steele was mowing our lawn with his shirt off. My poor bedroom window continually stained with our hot breaths as we watched him. I remember he looked up, and I hit my head on the window sill as I dropped down to the floor. He still teases me about it. He had these big blue eyes that if he looked at you long enough, you'd just melt where you stood. His hair was just long enough for the ends to curl, and in the summer it turned a bright blonde that only brightened with each passing sun. He was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. After he finished our lawn that day, my grandmother asked him to come to dinner that evening. I almost threw up with how nervous I was. My hands shook as I moved my hangers of clothes in frustration. Finally, I settled on a white sundress that hung to my knees, Mawmaw would never allow anything shorter. I brushed through my hair and slid a white flower pin to pull back two braided strands. Make-up wasn't allowed yet, and still to this day I don't wear much besides mascara and lip gloss, if that. When he showed up in khaki's and a blue pinstriped American Eagle button-up, I can't remember if I stared or not. It was highly likely, I did. Dinner was a blur of a pacing heart and sweaty hands. I listened though, to how respectful he was and how intelligent he spoke. After dinner, he helped me with the dishes, he washed and I dried. Every detail of that night I imprinted, every sound and every scent including his of old spice soap which he still uses.
"I wanted to tell you I saw you sing in church the other day. You sounded really good." My cheeks blushed a rosy hue, and I think I dried the same plate for ten minutes. I didn't know what to say and everything that ran through my mind seemed inadequate. Sheepishly, I offered to walk him home but when I got to his house he realized he didn't want me to walk home alone. None of it was graceful, but it was imperfectly….perfect.
"Hey, you." Adam handed me a cup of green tea as he joined me on our swing. We were moving to Seattle the next day, and there was no other place I'd prefer to be than on our swing with the woods behind our house in view. The woods grounded me. It just felt like…home. We just returned from our going away party. The thought of leaving the people I grew up with produced an anxiety I've never felt before. Most couldn't believe that Adam had convinced me to move. Three weeks after the wedding in Seattle, he received a job offer from Grey Enterprises that he labeled once in a lifetime. The salary was three times the value of our home, and the benefits package left nothing to be desired. An apartment and company vehicles would be provided. They offered him a Human Resources Management position and stated that little travel would be required but they expected him to be traveling once a month.
Adam loved the city. Of course, he loved our town also but after a visit to New York his senior year of high school, I remember he returned different. He kept telling me he couldn't wait to show me the world that I had no idea what else was out there. I'd smile and then he'd return with a grin knowing I was content where I was. I'll stay wherever you are, he'd always say because he could read me so well. He did attend Washington State University for two years while I finished high school. He'd visit every weekend, attend church with my grandmother and I. We broke up for six months because I wanted him to explore college without me. I knew not everyone was like me, especially Adam. He had a hunger, a thirst for the world that I just didn't attain. I thought I'd leave it in God's hands and wait for Adam to return, if that were his plan. And still every weekend, I'd find him in our yard, mowing the lawn. Sometimes, the amount of love I felt for him scared me, but my grandmother reassured me that I was just lucky enough to find love early.
When she fell ill, Adam returned and proposed. We were married within three months making sure she could attend, and she passed away from cancer three months later. I thanked God every day for Adam and the comfort he brought me during that time.
"How are you doing?" He asked as we settled into our usual position on the swing, with me in between his legs and resting my head on his chest. His fingers found mine, and he grazed my knuckles with his lips as he always did every time our hands met.
"The stars won't be this bright in the city will they?"
"No, but the city lights are just as beautiful just in a different way." He replied with gentle strokes of his fingers on my arms.
"I'm scared." Terrified actually but at some point I realized all he had sacrificed for me by staying in Montesano and he did it without complaints. There were few moments I felt his discontent. He would always reassure me that home was wherever I was, but there were days I watched him look for jobs in New York or Chicago. He explained that the idea was so far-fetched; it was a fantasy and nothing he would ever pursue. I believed him but his excitement when he received the job offer just melted my heart. I guess what I was afraid of was when does a sacrifice become regret? Does it depend on the reason for said sacrifice? Or does it depend on the length of time one sacrifices? Or is it simply the act of sacrificing in general?
"We'll be fine. We've made it through worse, and this way we'll be able to see a fertility specialist and hopefully have a baby soon." There it was the largest motivator for the move. We had looked into several fertility specialists in our area, and truly the cost to use them was more than we could afford. I worked in a florist shop, and Adam worked at the radio station in their HR department. We weren't able to conceive because Adam was sterile. It was three years into our marriage when we received the news. For three months, he felt like he failed me, and I reminded him every day that my love for him didn't rest on having a family. It still bothered him, but it was the first thing he said when he received the job offer, that we would be able to pursue the idea of having a family.
"You're right." I melted deeper into his embrace, and I closed my eyes.
"I promise to give you everything you've ever wanted. You can work on your photography and we'll have a baby." I could feel how desperate he was for me to be excited about the move.
"You know you've always been enough right?" I asked hating that he felt like I needed more than what we currently had.
"I know, but I can give you more now."
"Okay." It was no use arguing with him. He always had this dream that he'd spoil me, but he loved that I never held the desire to be spoiled.
"We should head in."
"Just a little bit longer." I pleaded relishing the familiar smell of pine and freshly cut grass. He nuzzled his chin into my hair and held me tighter.
"Okay." He breathed, and I listened to the crickets sing their songs and the fireflies dance to the rhythmic chirps. I'd miss this.
"Adam, have you seen these buildings? I've never seen anything like it." Seattle, a city I had never visited, grew with each passing street. The sheer size and number of buildings larger than any feed tower overwhelmed me. My eyes grew wide and I curled my legs up onto the leather seat of Adam's truck. My heart beat so fast just from the pace of the city. The sounds of car horns and the chatter of the people walking the streets gave me sensory overload.
"I just can't believe how many people live in one place." Echoing my astonishment, I watched the scenery around me unfurl into a normal chaos. We were on our way to the Escala building where Grey Enterprises provided us our new home. Adam had spent our entire road trip preparing me for the apartment telling me that it had a much different feel than our home. I could tell he was nervous for me to adjust so I kept reminding him that I would do my best.
"Isn't it amazing?" Adam asked, and I turned to see his eyes glittered with excitement.
I returned an excited smile and watched him navigate the city traffic with ease. He looked as though he belonged here. I started to study my husband. His sleeves were rolled to just beneath his elbow; his beautiful forearms a nice tanned glow from mowing our lawn yesterday. His blonde hair fell from its styling to frame his face, and his jaw was pulled tight as he dodged in between traffic.
"I can feel you staring at me." I couldn't help but grin, and I lay my head against the back of the seat. His hand searched for mine again, and I threaded my fingers through his. Again, he kissed my knuckles and his blue eyes smiled at mine.
"I was admiring God's masterpiece."
"Talk about a masterpiece." I followed his gaze and we both stared at the Escala building, its elegant curves and layers such a nice change to the manufactured element of its steel and glass frame. The curve softened the overwhelming masculinity of the building and the power it exuded. Adam had visited twice since he accepted the offer and each time he returned, he paraded around the house on cloud nine with excitement that was infectious.
"I can't believe we live here." The cars we passed in the garage were all luxury vehicles, vehicles I couldn't even comprehend the cost of. Adam drove a used truck while I drove the same Jeep Cherokee I drove in high school. Not anymore. We pulled into the parking spot, and I watched him turn the key off. My heart raced with a mixture of nerves and excitement.
"Are you ready?" He turned towards me, and I nodded before taking a deep breath. We both climbed out, and he grabbed my hand, lips to fingers as always. The elevator moved so much faster than those I had been in, but my experience was limited. Finally we reached our floor and the doors opened to a small private lobby.
"Take a deep breath." I smiled amused but obeyed. It couldn't be that different. He slid the key in and unlocked the door. A small hallway with a powder room immediately on the left led into an open space visually over stimulating. The apartment came fully furnished, and the furnishings were of quality and patterns I'm sure didn't come from some second hand furniture shop.
"Wow, Adam."
"I know, right." He turned around and beamed so proud of our new home. I had never seen anything like it. A warm off-white color painted the hallway but changed to a gray when we entered the living room. To my right, I saw the kitchen. Brown cabinets with odd striations were positioned against the back wall, and some lacked cabinet handles. A large island stood opposite the cabinets with a sink, and two rectangular bar stools sat beneath the lip of the countertop. I couldn't stop wondering how you opened some of those cabinets.
"Come, look at this!" Adam's voice was higher pitched than usual as he opened the balcony door. I touched the glass of the fireplace as I crossed the dining room to the where he stood. A cooler breeze than what I felt earlier touched my face, and I was hit with several sounds. Car horns, trains riding tracks, andmthe chaotic sounds of city happenings all surrounded me. The railing was cool beneath my hands, and I took in our view as best as I could before it all began to overwhelm. The lights and the lack of privacy, maybe one day I'd get used to it, but it seemed all too much with everything else.
"Isn't this amazing?" Adam whispered into my ear, the excitement so tonally evident that I had to smile.
"It is amazing." Truly it was. It was a view to behold just much different than what I was used to. We walked back inside, and Adam showed me the rest of the apartment. Our master bedroom had an ornate four poster bed with gold tones and with coordinating dark brown end tables. I was so happy for the warm colors. The master bathroom was larger than our old bedroom. The bath and shower were also separate. It all felt like a hotel, not at all like our home. What I assumed was our doorbell rang, and I opened to be greeted with a bouquet larger than any I had put together of Gerbera Daisies, Hydrangeas, and Roses in palettes of bold bright colors of yellows, oranges, greens, ruby red, and pinks. I paused for a moment because the sweet smell of petals invaded the foyer and reminded me of walking in our backyard and of home. I signed the smartphone the delivery man held out to me and closed the door. I searched for a vase to put them in if there were any.
"Babe, how the heck do these work?" Adam, obviously amused, came and stood next to me. I watched him press the corner of the cabinet and it opened, all by itself.
"Well, that's one way to open a cabinet."
"You'll get used to it." Adam laughed at me, and he grabbed a vase from below the sink and filled it with water. I positioned the flowers and mixed in the solution when I noticed the note, and I pulled it out.
Adam and Ana,
Welcome to the building. See you both tomorrow.
-Christian
"I didn't know Christian lived here." Of course he'd send me flowers and I couldn't help but smile at the personal touch of that night. I could never forget Christian Grey. Although I was naturally drawn to the wonder of people, he was somehow different. He had an intoxicating presence, one that you wanted to study. You knew you were in the presence of someone powerful. My camera would devour him, his chiseled face, and the power he exuded but most of all the nuanced emptiness within his eyes.
"Oh yeah, he lives in the penthouse which they say is insane. There is no view better I guess than his. I'm going to order some food." I placed the flowers on the table and sat in one of the chairs. Studying my surroundings again, the floor-to-ceiling windows kept drawing my attention. It felt so exposed, and even with curtains, it still made me uncomfortable. We lived on two acres, and our neighbors weren't visible through our tree lines. The complete privacy compared to the open feeling of the windows and the layout of the apartment seemed almost like too much space and too much freedom.
After some Chinese takeout, Adam ran me a bath. I think he sensed how overwhelmed I felt. I stripped in the bedroom and met him in the bathroom.
The bath smelled of lavender, and I could see bubbles rising slowly with the sound of the faucet. Adam sat on the edge in just his jeans, his bare chest and feet a welcome sight. He stripped his jeans and climbed into the bathtub. Our last bathtub could fit two if we both curled at opposite ends, and it wasn't romantic to endure a bath instead of enjoying one. I climbed in and settled between his legs, my head resting back against his chest. I could definitely get used to this.
"Thank you." My voice a whisper as his hands moved across my skin with a washcloth.
"I know my wife." His voice was low, the tone hinting that we would be in bed soon. I had pulled my hair into a messy bun on top of my head giving him full access to my neck which he placed soft kisses to.
"Do you want your hair washed?" His voice dropped lower and I knew it were more a question of time than anything to do with my hair.
"No, I'll shower in the morning."
"Okay. Let's go to bed then." Smiling, I climbed out of the tub and dried off. I knew not to dress as I made way to the bed and moved the pillows to the floor as he pulled back the covers. The sheets were freezing as I slid in and he quickly pulled me to his chest.
"You know how much I love you for this…for trying?" He searched my eyes, and I offered no indication that I doubted him.
"Of course. I know you love me regardless of where we are."
"You'll love it here, I promise. Just give it time." I kissed him softly, and he pressed his chest to mine before rolling me onto my back. His lips moved to my neck, and he made love to me. I was grateful for the distraction. The idea of loving something so different from everything I've known…well it seemed impossible. Could you love two places at once?