A/N: I checked my email the day after I posted this and my jaw dropped at the influx of reviews. Many thanks to Bethuviel, fullOfgrace, friar jerome, Malara, Aranel en Eruanna, skilled-like-a-ninja, ClumsyElf, Nieriel Raina, Calenlass Greenleaf, and last, but not least, my old friend and reviewer from the Boromir Letters, Ogreatrandom for your reviews.

"WHAT THE – HOW, IN THE NAME OF SAURON'S HEMERRHOIDAL BACKSIDE, DO YOU KNOW THAT?"

The echo created by Legolas's scream echoed across the otherwise silent city. It was immediately followed by everyone cracking up. Fuming, he took a sip, enduring hearty slaps on the back and knowing nudges in the ribs. "I wonder jusht who yew were dreamin' of, Master Elf…"

"I've never," announced Faramir over the sound of Merry and Pippin giggling tipsily. "Had more than three meals in one day."

Immediately, the hobbits sobered, looking at him in amazement. "What – what – you poor deprived person!" Exchanging pitying glances, Merry and Pippin clinked their mugs and tossed back the ale, Gandalf and Gimli following suit.

"Ah've nivver ooned a pair o' Bermuda shorts."

"Good one, Pippin," congratulated Aragorn, watching Faramir, the wizard, and the elf prince drink. "Wait a minute. Legolas?"

Not daring to look at Gimli, Legolas nodded. "It is a long story. Suffice it to say, the Corsairs of Umbar not only control the seas, but the coastline tourist industry as well."

"Somehow, I cannot imagine an elf browsing through a gift shop and actually purchasing electric green and blue swimwear," confessed Gandalf. He shot a look at Gimli as the dwarf doubled up in a fit of drunken tittering. "What?"

"Whoever said they were blue and green?" gasped Gimli, before giggling made further speech impossible.

Hastily, Legolas went. "I have never gotten drunk." Everyone drank. The Elf smirked.

"I have never had my horse stolen or tried to steal one." This time, Gandalf smirked, paying special attention to a certain Elf prince.

With a pang of utmost dread, Legolas lifted his mug to his lips and drank. His eyes met Gandalf's before sheepishly looking away. The wizard raised his eyebrows. "Are you going to tell them or shall I?"

"Back when I was twelve," began Legolas reluctantly. "A few friends and I decided to traverse the Mirkwood path and go spider hunting. We were right in the middle of the entire road when we heard a horse approaching. The three of us hid and waited for the person to appear. A figure on horseback rode up. Right as he rode past, his hat blew off into the woods opposite. He reined in, muttering words that furthered my education."

Absently, Legolas took a drink and continued, his gaze distant as he recalled the event. "So he dismounted and plunged into the woods after his hat. I, being of the mischievous persuasion, decided to steal the horse and give it to a relative for their birthday. Ever mindful of the crashings of the irritated person tearing the woods apart for his hat, I stole out, murmuring soothing words to the horse."

"Dedn't he have et tied tae a tree oor soomthen?" interrupted Pippin, enjoying this heretofore unknown side to the elf.

"No." A grimace contorted Legolas's face. "That alone should have been warning enough. It merely looked at me as I took the reins and turned to lead it into the woods. Needless to say, the horse was not agreeable."

Silence fell. Then, Merry spoke up. "Wait – that's it?! What happened next?!"

Stubbornly, the elf shook his head. "That part I shall not tell even to my dying day." A small snicker from Aragorn caused him to do a double take.

The king raised his mug. "I have never been bitten in the behind by a horse."

Mortified and turning even more pale than he naturally was, Legolas protested. "It is not your turn!"

"Who caresh? Drink that ale, fancy pantsh!" roared Gimli. Hiccuping and quite drunk by this point, the dwarf stood up. He waved his mug, spilling some on his braided beard. "I've never shpoken Shidano- Shandaria- Shandir – Elfish!"

To rid himself of the sight of the dwarf attempting to wring his beard back into the mug, Legolas took a larger drink than usual. "Faramir," he coughed. "Your go."

Squinting at the fire, the young steward of Gondor frowned. "I've never danced and sang on a table before."

"Long live the Green Dragon!" cheered Merry and Pippin, banging their mugs together again. They had been left out for a few turns but the amount which they had drunk made them quite content. "We've never led men into battle."

Faramir, Aragorn, Boromir, and Gandalf drank. Gimli scowled. "That ish'nt fair," he grumbled. "I've only ev'r led dwarvesh int' battle."

Aragorn shrugged. "Same difference. I have never…used a shield to slide down Caradhras."

Laughing, the two hobbits and Boromir drank. "Heh – that was an experience, let me tell you! One morning, the second day on that mountain, Pippin and I were up early, attempting to warn ourselves with a pipe of Old Toby or two. We were bored and Boromir had left his shield out."

"I woke up that morning just in time to see two hobbits careening down the mountainside," interjected Boromir, smiling widely. "I ran after them, boxed their ears soundly, and demanded to be taken on the second trip. Thankfully, only Aragorn saw us and we didn't get a talking-to from Gandalf."

Another round of chuckles and a sudden bout of snoring from Gimli and Eomer announced their surrender to the inevitable. The others thought this was tremendously funny. Faramir, however, didn't join in the laughter, his drink-addled mind trying to tell him something. Any attempt at rational thought was drowned out by Pippin announcing he had never put a snake in someone's rucksack. The ensuing chase involving Merry running for dear life around the courtyard from an enraged king and a ticked-off elf did little to aid his thought process.

After that, Merry and Gandalf passed out and announced they'd had enough respectively. The game ended with everyone pitching in to drag the sleeping participants under shelter. Faramir, however, remained by the fire, realizing at last what bothered him.

As he poked the fire with a stick, Boromir looked over at his brother. "Why so sad, Faramir? Didn't you get enough to drink?"

The younger man smiled halfheartedly, then sighed. "You're s'posed t' be dead, Boromir…"

Eyes twinkling, Boromir raised an eyebrow. "And yet, you aren't running away, screaming, 'Aiee! A ghost!'"

"'S because I'm drunk enough that my mind thinks thissn't real."

Boromir nodded. "I expect that's why the others didn't notice." He stood up and dusted the ash off the front of his faded blue tunic. "But, the Valar sent me back."

"You made it all the way t' the Undying Lands?"

"Yep. I think I'll go back there someday. Quite a place."

"They'd let you come back?"

"Oh yes. They grade you on noble looks, faithful service, whether your death was appropriately heroic, how many orcs you took with you, and your overall credit rating for the last twenty years."

"Sounds like a country club."

Chuckling, Boromir nodded again. "You're not too far off, there. The boat you guys put me in floated all the way out to see, up along the coastline, and then west. I woke up with a bruise on my head and a sheepish-looking Valar standing over me. He'd accidentally hit the ball too far and thought I'd been killed when it hit me."

"So nat'rally, you din't bother t' c'rrect him."

"Of course not! I was rather ticked that I missed out on Helm's Deep, the Battle of the Pelennor, and the Battle of the Black Gate, but this game made it all worth it." The older man quirked a brow at his drunken brother and sighed. "Only now I have to cart you off and sober you up tomorrow…" He reached down, slung Faramir's arm over his shoulder, and helped him stumble off.

"What I wanna know ih why y' came back when y' knew y' missed th' battles…"

"Oh, come now." Boromir laughed again. "Wouldn't you come back from the dead to hear Legolas scream 'How in the name of Sauron's hemerrhoidal backside do you know that'?"

"Mmm, nah. I'd wanna find out what color his Bermuda shorts are…"

A/N: This is not the end. How could you think that?! What comes after weddings?

Receptions.

With drinks.

And possibly more characters.

Elrond and the shaving cream incident?

Insert evil laugh