I hope this chapter doesn't ruin the fic. The first chapter was much better in my opinion.
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.
A FATHER THAT'S NEVER PRESENT
Chapter 2
Nightmares
Roy woke up because of a dumb moan that was coming from the room next to his. He sighed when he recognised the young teen's voice. It wasn't the first time. Ed had lived now in his apartment for a month and this kind of stuff seemed to happen every now and then. It was like a penalty for all the good stuff he had obtained. Equivalent exchange.
He slowly got up and grabbed his morning gown while wandering towards the door. He heard another moan, a little louder this time. There were no words, just moans. Like always. Ed wasn't the type of people who spoke while asleep.
At the moment I would prefer him talking in his sleep… things would be way easier to figure out.
He opened the young alchemist's door silently and sat on his knees next to Ed's bed. Ed was trembling and his face was in an agony state. He gently laid his hand next to Ed's head. Now he just had to wake him up.
"Wake up, Ed", he whispered on the boy's ear. It was like this always. It had happened like… six times already? Oh god, six times in a month. He had no idea how he had got up every time. And maybe there were times he didn't even know about? He wouldn't be surprised. The boy often seemed really tired.
Now there was a whine as an answer. Roy sighed. "Come on. Get up." He stroked the open long golden hair. It was amazing how his hair seemed to glow in the dark. He had never seen anything like it before. It seemed and felt so warm, unlike his cold-looking pale face.
He's so pale, he looks like he's sick. Maybe milk would help? I'll try to make him drink it. But I don't honestly think I'll manage to do it…
Ed woke up and immediately sat straight up in his bed. He was sweating and breathing heavily. He pinched his sheets and took a look at the room he was in.
"Are you alright?" Roy asked, pulling Ed's hair back while the kid seemed to fight his tears back.
"Damn it… a stupid nightmare again…" Ed snarled his voice quiet and hoarse. He buried his face in his hands, the cold metal arm cooling him down a little.
"It's OK, Ed; it's OK to cry if you feel like it."
Why don't you cry? Why don't you show how you feel, why are you blocking out? Is it your way to protect yourself?
"I don't." Ed gritted his teeth. His face was slowly getting more colour. He seemed to get a hold of his feelings again. For the next ten minutes he would have that blank expression on his face again, like always. Then he would start relaxing again. At least that happened almost every time.
For the past month Roy had just tried to be there for him, let him try to find protection. Unfortunately, the kid, though he had loosened up for a little, was still incredibly stubborn.
Sometimes it was hard for him to handle. Ed had being on his own for too long for his own good. He hadn't got used to telling anyone anything, or letting anyone worry about him. Of course, people had worried about him, and they still did, but he had been, and he still was, trying to make them not to. He just didn't seem to realise that worrying was their way to show how much they cared about him. For Ed it seemed to be almost like a bad thing and Roy had tried to explain him that it certainly wasn't, but the kid hadn't really got it. What a shame.
"You seem like crying would help you get the pressure away for a while", Roy whispered hugging the kid gently. He had noticed how much Ed really liked being held. It was the thing that relaxed him, that confronted him, that made him act so much like a little kid. Which he still was, somewhere deep inside.
"No… bastard… I hate you", Ed wailed, tears running down his cheeks. Bingo.
"Why are you still calling me a bastard while I'm trying to help you?" Roy asked offended.
"I don't need help… I-I don't need you!" Ed was being difficult again. Roy knew that he didn't really mean the things he was saying, because Ed really did need him. Ed had needed a father-figure in his life for years, and now that he had it, he was definitely softer. He wasn't so cold anymore. Though, he had started crying and having nightmares more.
I wonder why he has nightmares. Everything seems to be so great, except for them. Damn it. Is a happy son too much for me to ask? Or is this a test? Is this just a test about that can I take care of him? If it is, it's a very mean one.
Roy rubbed Ed's back softly. "Shh. Don't freak out, I know you haven't got used to this, and I understand why. You're still stuck with your own father, aren't you?"
"…N-no! I… I hate him! I can't stand him! Don't talk to me about him!" Ed felt dullness rising up in his chest. The tears were burning his again swollen face. He sniffed. "Can you give me a hanky?"
Roy took a hanky out of his pocket, handling it to Ed. He was always carrying one with, just in case. Mostly just in Ed's case.
Ed took the hanky thankfully. Roy got up.
"I'm getting some water for you."
"Thanks…"
Ed watched Roy leaving the room. He was so grateful; he just couldn't find a way to show it. And it hurt him. It hurt him to look like he didn't care, while he did. It hurt him to see the older man, the one who he had considered as a father for a good time now, looking sad and unappreciated. Because it wasn't the way it was.
If I would just be able to tell how I feel… If I would just be able to show him how much he means to me, that I don't want him to disappear. That I want him to be here for the rest of my life.
He wiped his tears away and whimpered. Why was everything so damn difficult? Al was visiting Winry and aunt Pinako, so Ed couldn't even ask any advice. He was sure that Al could help him. But now he just had to wait. Just a week more…
Damn it, Al, why are you away always when I need you? You're much better than me in stuff like this. Why didn't I ask him earlier? Oh yeah, I was too stubborn, that's why. How stupid can I be!?
He closed his eyes and listened his own breathing. It relaxed him. To know that he was alive and he still had time. He had time to fix things. Sooner better.
He opened his eyes and saw a glass of water just in front of his face.
Oh shit, that was scary! He didn't make any kind of sound! He should make voices… just for me to know when he's here and… and when he's not. When he goes. When he fucking goes and leaves me… I want to hear him.
"Thirsty?" Roy asked sleepily. Oh damn it, he even ruined the man's sleep with his fucking nightmares.
"Thanks… you sound tired, maybe you should go back to bed. I'm OK." He made an exhausted smile and sipped some water.
Roy took a close look at Ed. He was starting to look healthy and alright again. But he hadn't told was his nightmare was about. It hurt Roy to see his son suffering. Yes, Ed was his son. Not biologically, but anyway. He considered Ed as his very own son. A son he never had. He had always wanted a son. Now he had one. And he was so not letting him go.
"I'll stay a while longer. So, your nightmare… what was it like?"
Ed didn't turn to look at him. "A nightmare."
"Ed…" Roy sighed. Yes, AGAIN.
"You asked me what was it like, and I answered. It was just like a nightmare."
"Well, what was in your nightmare?"
"Why do you insist knowing everything?! Damn it, can't you just leave it, OK?"
"If I know what your nightmares are about, then it'll be easier for me to comfort you. And I want to know, as a father I have the right to know."
They sat in silence for a while. Roy let his words sink in Ed's mind.
I wonder if he's letting it out. I hope he does, I just want to help. He's a naughty piece of work… Never opens up. Every time the same thing, he never lets anyone in. I intend to change that. I want him to know that he can tell me absolutely anything. That's what I'm here for. It's just sometimes so fucking hard…
"It's always the same one. It's like… I don't know. There are like… flashes. Memories, and then things that haven't happened. Things I fear…" Ed shrugged and sniffed. Roy put his hand on the boy's shoulder, giving him a moment before he would continue.
He talks. Oh god, he talks!
"At first… I see my father. You know, all the stuff when I was little. And then… I… -I see him leaving and mum crying. And then I see her dying, and the funeral and Al and the transmutation and all." At that point a pained expression rose to Ed's face. Roy entwined his arms around the boy.
Next words Ed hardly managed to scream while he was sobbing loudly. "And then I see you! I see how good you've been for me and all and then… Then you go as well! I- I see you going and leaving me alone again! Every single time I'm crying and begging you to stay… but you say that you don't care about me anymore. You say that I don't matter anymore, that I'm just a stupid kid who can't even stop crying and accept his faith… And then there's nothing… there's nothing but the cold rain…"
Ed lay limp, sobbing, weeping and whining on his lap, his face buried in his chest, hands pressing his night-shirt. He seemed so vulnerable and scared that Roy was absolutely shocked. Nothing like this had happened before, he could never even imagine leaving Ed and there he was, holding him stiffly like an idiot just after Ed had confessed how much he feared for it.
Shit… I'm the one causing him nightmares! Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. What should I say? Haven't I showed him how much I love him? Am I a bad father..? Oh god, I'm such a horrible father. My son doesn't even know how much I care about him!
"I'm not going to leave you. Not now, not ever. You don't have to worry about it", he whispered sadly rubbing Ed's back.
"He said so too before he left!" Ed moaned pathetically. He sounded hysteric.
Of course he's hysteric! He's afraid of being left alone again, losing his father again! That bastard really has ruined his life… He has taken all his faith in a father away. And now, my job is getting it back. Easier said than done. Damn it. If I'll ever see that man, he's going to get a military ride in a hospital!
"I don't know what he was like, and I have no idea why he left, but I'm not going to abandon you. I couldn't even if I would have to. Not even if my life would depend on it."
Ed sat up again and grabbed the glass of water from the little night table next to his bed and sipped again. His face was red and more swollen that Roy had ever seemed it to be.
"Sorry for my breakdown. I just hate these nightmares…"
"And you have all the rights to hate them. That's why nightmares exist… we have to see what we are afraid of and things that are important to us. They are driving people crazy… people who can't fight against them. You just have to live happily and not let anything upset you too greatly. You have to solve the things that are hindering your mind."
Ed thought about his words. They seemed to make sense. But he could never get all the things solved…
"It's just so damn hard!"
"I know. Trust me. You can always tell me anything. If you block everything in, it'll just make it worse."
"…I… I've just wanted to tell you that… even when it doesn't seem like it I… I really care about you. You're my father. I just want you to know that. I'm not good at putting it in words, but you got the idea, right?" Ed whispered.
Roy smiled to Ed. "I already figured that out."
"Oh… good…" Ed blushed.
Roy looked at the clock on the wall. Damn it, already 3 a.m. He was supposed to be at work at 8 o'clock.
Argh, Hawkeye is going to shoot me if won't be able to do all the work.
"Well, if you don't mind, I'll go back to bed or I won't have enough energy to today's paperwork."
"Yeah… sorry for keeping you awake."
"Don't worry, it was my choice. Are you going to be OK? Can you sleep?" he asked worryingly while standing up.
"I guess so. I feel a lot better… and tired like hell." Ed grinned. There were dark circles under his red and puffy eyes.
"Then you better sleep as well."
"I will. Good night."
Roy walked to the door and turned to take a look at the young teen. He saw him closing his eyes and turning against the wall curling up like a cat.
"Sweet dreams son."
Ed didn't even open his eyes, he just grunted. "See you at morning, dad."
When Roy closed the door and headed back to his room, he could feel a wide smile rising on his face. Someone had called him dad. Ed had called him dad.
He really did have a son. A son he loved dearly.
Oww, I just love Parental!RoyEd. It's so great to write.
Now, review, please! Everyone! Tell me if this sucked terribly...