1 Chapter 5: Capture and Bloodbath
24 squirrel soldiers climbed into their helicopters and prepared to search out what lay in the sea. They donned headgear, loaded weapons, and packed supplies for a long trip, 200 miles away, approximately.
"Alright, you all know your mission! Find out what this great, golden menace is, expose it, and then we'll silence it for good!"
"Yes sir!"
"We will probe, show and eliminate the threat until there is peace and tranquillity in all of the land!"
"We will, uh, oh screw that crap."
Dozens of eyes stared upon him.
"Oh, King Conker told me not to swear. He's, er, attached to someone, and apparently, it doesn't do her too good to hear swearing. So I've replaced every swear word in this here vocabulary with a less-offensive one. Now let's go, we is got a secret to uncover!"
The helicopters roared off into the sky, leaving behind trails of dust and debris in their wake.
Hours later, they landed at the squirrel installation at the harbor, which used to be buzzing with electric eels and frisky boxes of ammo that couldn't stop bouncing.
"Alright, men, place the sonar!"
A small gray box was dropped into the water by a soldier, which emitted a loud beeping noise. A screen appeared, showing nothing particular.
"Nothing, sir," said the squirrel.
"What? Well, dang! You mean we came all the way out here for nothing?"
"Well, uh, we could go out a bit further, sir."
"Yeah, we probably should. Conker said not to return until we found something. We'll just drop this stuff off and take the dinghy."
"Sir, the dinghy has been replaced by a frigate. And a patrol boat."
"Well, we've only got 24 people, so we gonna take the boat. Load up, boys, we've got to find something out here."
…
The next morning, Conker was woken by a flurry of very loud voices. They were coming from directly below him, and they sounded very rapid, in a French sort of way. He dressed up, brushed his large squirrel-teeth, and hurried downstairs to see what was going on.
"Sire, some strange immigrants showed up this morning. They have been demanding to see-"
A smashing sound reverberated throughout the castle, from the main door.
"I recognize that noise," said Conker. "It's the sound of angry villagers braying on the door."
"We're trying to hold them back," said the fat weasel, adding barricades to the door. "If they make a breach, we will have to stop them. I suggest calling down an imp squadron, then going back to safety."
"What… well, alright." Conker picked up a wall phone, and shouted into it. "Hello? Little crisis down here! Send some assistance!"
With that done, Conker ran back up to his bedroom, to crash into Fluoresce.
"What's going on out there?"
"Apparently, some people are trying to get into the castle. And I have no idea why."
"Who? WHY? I'm frightened!"
"Don't worry, I've called for help."
"But it sounds like dozens!"
A huge, painful crack sounded, and the door gave away. It flew open, shoving aside the weasel gaurds. Conker could see, now, that the invaders were people of Frunce.
"What… how did you…"
"Fluoresce! Why are you here?" Said a villager.
"I was brought here by a couple of friendly beetles! And you all?"
"We barely managed to escape the desert. And it was no thanks to this horrible tyrant!"
The crowd of people lunged after Conker, only to be stopped by a wall of menacing spikes. The Green Imps then popped out, shrieking fiercely in their arcane language. The villagers struggled to break through, but after five minutes of being cut and beaten by the Imps, it subsided.
"Okay, people, calm down," said Conker. "Now tell me… why are you here?"
"Our chancellor, that is, Chancellor Don Weaselo, has informed us that a crooked monarch by the name of Conker Theodore Squirrel sent that horrible wave of Uggas that attacked and destroyed our town."
"Whoa, you've got the wrong guy. I'm not even in charge of the Ugga Empire. Don Weaselo is."
"Then why would they destroy us? We have always been allied, and it makes perfect sense that the person who drive away their former leader would try to harm us again."
"What? I drove him away because he was trying to kill me! Do you really think that after everything I did to them that they would let us boss them around?"
"From the way you manipulated that green raptor, I could swear you are blood brothers!"
"Look, just stay at Windy Valley until we can do something about your hometown."
"Why should we listen to you?"
"Well, you're really in no position to argue." The villagers looked around, to see that they were equally numbered by armed weasels and powerful Imps.
"Alright, we will step down, but if anything else happens…"
A round of gunshot cut through the air.
"Stop firing!" Shouted Conker, looking around to see who had cracked the shot. But as he turned around, he saw that it was a guard that fell. He then heard someone say 'yea gonna be swimming' wit da fishes', and a group of weasels strode in, carrying Tommy Guns. They kept firing, stitching holes in the cowered Imp's armor and blasting away at hiding weasels.
"Fire!" Yelled Conker, running back up the stairs. The nightmarish clattering of rounds from all-too-familiar Tommy Guns and the blasts of the pistols filled the air mixed with the screaming of retreating villagers. Fluoresce held Conker tightly, as they rushed up the stairs away from the pounding fury.
...
Sergeant Rico's squadron had been out all night, looking for the sonar blip. It appeared here and there, but never in the same area twice. They had traced it to be far offshore. And here they were, 150 miles out in the sea, chasing something that seemed to mock their existence.
"Well, show's over, folks, we might as well go home. There ain't nothin' out here."
"Sir, look! There's something in the water!"
"What?"
"It looks like something's been carved out of the water!"
Rico looked over to see an enormous bowl in the water, as if it had parted and stayed there, leaving a 200-foot dip. The entire crew was looking about now, at this giant, bobbing shape in the water. It appeared to be miles around, stretching nearly into the horizon.
"Maybe it's a whirlpool!" Suggested a soldier
"There ain't no whirlpool that big, nor one with such a perfect shape as this! Are you all seeing this?"
24 shocked faces nodded.
"Why don't we, er examine it. Steady ahead!"
The boat jumped foreword, accelerating gently toward it. Suddenly, a loud "beep" was heard, then a sputtering followed by a soft splash. The boat rocked as four silver submarines surfaced beside it.
"What the? Man the guns!" A soldier ran into the main turret, the boat's only weapon. It could fire a 75mm high-explosive bullet that was more than enough to take out a submarine. The submarines aimed their weapons at the boat. They were armed with 20mm turret guns, which could grind away the boat from all sides. They also mounted missiles, which were guided, an improvement over the old Teddifunken ballistics.
"Uh-oh. Boys, looks like we're outnumbered. Signal our surrender." A large white flag erupted from the pole, and the submarines closed in. The radio cackled, and a menacing voice was heard.
"Stebayu, ya match it polumba."
"What the hell is he saying?"
But the message was clear, and the submarines nudged the boat until the soldiers followed.
"Where are they taking us?" Said Rico, getting dizzy.
They floated on, and got closer and closer to the weird water imprint. Then, without any pre-empting, a large black hole appeared in front of them, out of nowhere. They floated into it, the submarines followed them, and a vast loading dock appeared in front of them. Half the crew fainted as they floated through the strange, steely nightmare.
2 Chapter 6: Narrow Escape
Conker stepped nervously down the stairs, tiptoeing ahead of Fluoresce. It had been a night ago when the castle was stormed by weasels.
"Hello?" He called, glancing around, "is anyone there?"
"Sire," came the familiar, scratchy voice of his thin weasel guard. He crawled over to Conker, and sprawled there, lying next to his majesty.
"Are… are you all right?"
"It… doesn't look… good." He rolled over to reveal a gaping Tommy gun bullet wound on his leg.
"Ah, don't worry, we can get you to the hospital. It's just a leg wound."
"It… hurts… sire…"
"Medic! Er, someone? Where is everybody?"
"Right here, sire," said the fat guard.
"Well what are you waiting for? Do something!" Yelled Conker. "This guy's shot!"
"I apologize, I must have missed him while picking up the casualties."
"Casualties? That reminds me. What, er, how many people were hurt here?"
"There was a total of 47 deaths. 18 for the intruders, 24 of ours, 3 French villagers and 2 imps."
"How did this happen? Damn, those stupid villagers chose the perfect time! Fuck!"
Fluoresce shot him a look.
"Er, okay, look. Beef up security, hire more Imps, and try to find a place for the villagers to stay."
"We already have, they're in the guests chambers. We were going to ask you."
"Alright, Fluoresce? You okay with that?"
Fluoresce nodded.
"Great. Now, why don't we call the Sarge and say, give him a hand?" The weasel handed him a small ham radio, and he whispered quietly, "hello, anyone there?"
A crackling sound occurred, and a garbled voice answered.
"Huh? Your majesty! We've uncovered the big secret thing! But we're in a tight situation here, and it would be best if you'd call back a little later," said Rico.
"What's going on? Where are you, and what is the big secret?"
"Well, I think it's some sort of… dock or something. We were exploring out here, you see, and we saw these sonar blips from submarines! And, we followed them to this huge imprint in the water! Then…"
"PERFECT! You've found it!"
"SHHH! Be quiet! I, oh shit!"
"What's going on? He's wearing a wire! Block it!" Said a scratchy weasel voice.
"Uh-oh," said Conker, and the transmission became a blast of static. "Oops."
He sighed, shrugged, and walked off to accompany Fluoresce, who had wandered off to the boiler room to watch the imps have a brawl.
…
Rico stared at the wall of his cell, pondering what was going on, and who was going where. They were told that they would be subject to awful experiments, and he had been placed in his own private cell, and the others were put in 7 cells of 4 each. The people who had gone and done were a mix of Weasels and Tediz soldiers, mainly Tediz, and Rico added to that bundle of questions what those awful experiments were, and how awful they would be.
"Ah, shit," he said, "I knew there was something screwy about this. I knew, as soon as I heard those damn submarines that we were screwed over. If only I had thought to bring more people. Damn it."
He heard footsteps as two Tediz soldiers entered the cell.
"Sata ha no tope puma be," the first one said.
"Tama to balm be tyro," replied the second.
The Sarge then noticed, as they passed the cell, that they were unarmed. Like a giant light bulb, an idea formed in his head. He began to cough, as loud as he could, trying not to sound like he was hocking a spitball.
"Shut up en deer," said the first Tedi in his poor English.
"Oh, God, I can't breathe!"
"Ah seed shut up!"
He began to make a horrible throat gurgling noise with his saliva. He heard the Tediz coming back, and he fell over, playing dead. The Tediz saw his mouth foaming, and entered the cell.
"Ah know yea ah fayeking theta cough-e-cough. Stop et, er I'll," he didn't have a chance to finish. Rico punched both of them, stole their key, and then ran out the door. He hurried down the corridor, unlocking all of the prison cells, one by one.
"Come on, hurry! We gotta get our asses out of here pronto!" He yelled, as they ran through the complex. An alarm sounded, and soon the halls were littered with confused weasels and angry Tediz. As he ran along, Rico punched and threw every creature behind him, as the stunned bodies tended to pile and make him less of a target. He reached an area with a sign that marked "prison port", and dashed that way, dodging now-present gunfire.
"Come on, move! I know where I'm going," he said as the other soldiers ran along behind.
As he veered to the left, he saw a vast cavern in front of him open up. They dashed inside, then hid behind a crate.
"Stebayu!" Yelled a Tedi, their typical death threat.
As it went for its weapon, Rico grabbed it first, then threw the Tedi into the water. He then broke open a crate to use as a shield.
"Bingo," he said, as a hoard of weapons piled out. As he handed them out to the soldiers, he heard the sounds of bullets splintering wood by his head.
"Fire!" he said in a hoarse shout. The soldiers fired at the remaining dock gaurds, outnumbering them 24 to 8, and scaring them off. Rico threw crates into the door, then dashed down onto the dock and boarded a cruiser. The 24 squirrels followed, taking places at the control console and at the helm.
"Hold them off at the door!" He said, as Tediz began pouring out. A loud crash and a heavy impact indicated bazooka fire. Several crashes later, the ship was moving out.
"Ready, aim, fire!" shouted a soldier as he squeezed the lever. A huge shell blasted the doorway, causing a slight cave in and eliminating a few Tediz.
"Alright, move out! GO!"
The ship lurched foreword, heading out the open bay door. A Tedi pulled a red lever on the wall, causing it to slowly shut. He held onto it, until a squirrel gunner who had mounted the rear machine gun shot him. As the door slowly reopened, the ship floated out to freedom. But as it headed out to sea, they noticed that it was slowly sinking to one side.
"Whoa, shit! We've got a breach!" Said a soldier.
"Well then let's man the God damn lifeboats," said Rico.
The soldiers dashed down onto the lifeboats attached to the sides of the ship. A huge bubbling sound could be heard as it slowly filled up with water, and Rico then realized after a headcount that they were missing four people.
"Help!" They cried as the cruiser was shot by a towrope from a nearby Tediz tugboat. As armed Tediz poured onto the ship, two of the squirrels tried jumping off. They were soon snared up by a net and pulled aboard the tug with the others. Their last cries of anguish echoed across the sea as the cruiser sank into the abyss.
3 Chapter 7: Horrible experiments
Over the days, Conker and Fluoresce had become closer, and the French villagers had found employment around Windy. Although the jobs they worked so hard to get were never enjoyable, since there was the large possibility they would have to work at Poo Mountain, it kept them busy and helped them to forget their lost friends.
"So, Conker," said Fluoresce as she refilled his Chateau, "do you like our local brew?"
"Well, it tastes a bit tangy, but…" he stifled a choke, "it's… an acquired taste." He wished forcefully that she would let him switch back to his malt without being offended.
"Well, I don't think Garrison used the right ingredients… I don't think they are plentiful here."
"And I gather you didn't like the malt very much?"
"It made me feel so funny… I was pondering doing stupid things! Such a drink should be considered dangerous. But the taste was nice and sweet, kinda bland. Did I just say "kinda"? I meant kind of. I'm losing my grammar."
"Ah, don't worry, you'll do fine. So, how do you think our friends are doing?"
"Didn't he seem a bit alarmed through that radio?"
"Hey, he always comes through. Hey, that reminds me… I think I have another one somewhere. I gave it to a soldier. Can't remember who it was, though. Anyway, they should be reporting back soon."
…
"So, ve have been found, no? Zat means we vill have to speed up ze operation." The professor downed a glass of green tea, which he preferred because of its caffeine-he had to make what he could out of limited sleep.
"Where do we put the prisoners we managed to hold onto?"
"Zer are four of them?"
"Yeah. That means we can't test out everything."
"Vell, I know what I'm doing with them. You do know of ze upgraded destroyer robots?"
"Yeah, you mean the mutant thing?"
"Not just any mutant, it can support a wide array of weapons. It can also use them with very quick reflexes, due to its reliance on ze squirrel brain to do its seeing. It vill replace ze older model, which had a little girl who… didn't know how to handle ze weapons. I want you to have them use two of these prisoners in ze experiment, and ze other two… to fight them."
"Right. I'll go tell them right now." He left the room, leaving the sniveling professor.
…
"Hey, where are the other two?" Said the two squirrel soldiers, waking up the next morning in their cell.
"I dunno, although I remember being awoken by a scream or something."
"Are you serious? Awe, shut up."
"No, I'm not… hey, look, it's a Tediz!" A Tediz soldier shambled over to their cell, rifle in hand, and unlocked it. He made a feeble attempt to speak in English, and motioned for them to get out.
"Where are we going?" Asked the first soldier.
"Maybe we're being set free," replied the second. He heard the Tedi laugh in its scratchy voice as they walked, and after about five minutes, they came upon a large, metal chamber. As they looked up, they saw many weasels and Tediz looking down on them from what looked like 100-foot high bleachers. They were laughing and talking as if it were some sort of social event. A lot had clipboards and pencils, and the occasional notebook.
"What's going on here? Why are we in this big stadium thing?"
"And now, we get to witness the effectiveness of this machine in action," said a weasel in the front-center of the centermost bleacher. The voices quieted down. "Hand them their weapons." The Tedi walked up to the squirrels and handed one of them a rifle, and the other, a large green bazooka.
"What is this, some sort of game?" Asked the one with the rifle.
"You're about to find out. Now, open the gates!" There were two gates underneath the bleachers, and with a rumble they opened up. A blast of steam shot out at first. Then, a loud clinking could be heard. Then, little by little, two unspeakable monstrosities emerged from the mist. As the squirrels looked up, not knowing what to stare at first, they spotted their two friends faces among the nightmare.
"Hey, Rico!" Shouted Conker as him and the twenty others landed their choppers.
"Yo, Conker! Four of them didn't make it!" He said as he climbed out.
"They got killed, you mean?"
"Uh, probably by now."
"What was it that you found?"
"You were right about that second base, it's there! Like the last one, but I think a bit bigger!"
"Well why can't I see it?"
"It's got some sort of, trust me on this one, invisibility system in it. Basically, we couldn't even see it until we were inside."
"But, you can track it down on sonar?"
"Well, they've got lots of defenses, mainly ECM systems and submarines. That means launching cruise missiles won't work."
"That's really weird. I've never heard of this invisible system."
"Well, you said he was the son of a professor, right?"
"Yeah. Well, now that we know where and what it is, we'll have to do something about it, won't we? How many recruits do we have?"
"We're up to 17,000, sir."
"Alright, good. Can we continue the development of tanks and artillery?"
"Already have, sir."
"And aerospace and marine warfare?"
"Yep."
"Alright then. I want you to prepare to launch a full battalion from the squirrel harbor in the northeast. Then, I want you to round up all the allied species. The bees, the beetles, the red squirrels, the chipmunks, and our weasels. Everything. Tell them all that they are to be on the look out for any sort of uprising, and that they should subdue them at any costs."
"Alright. Will be done, sir."
"I also want our entire Northern fleet to accompany it. And at least two full brigades of tanks and artillery."
"Hey, Conker!" Called Rodent. "I found your other ham radio!"
"Oh, yeah, I was wondering where that was. Thanks." He turned it on, and was hit by a blast of shouts, gunshots and screams.
"What's going on?" He yelled into it.
"Ahhh! Shoot, damn it, shoot!" He heard an explosion of a bazooka.
"Are you guys okay?"
"What is it? Ah!" Then, a clanking sound could be heard. It sounded like a dozen steel bars hitting each other.
"What's that?" Shouted Conker as the piercing sound of a saw now corrupted the radio. The saw became louder, cut through something with a whine, and the screams stopped. Amused mumbling could now be heard. Conker turned off the radio, and let out s sigh.
"What was that?" asked Rodent.
"I don't know, but it didn't sound good."
4 Chapter 8: Allied clear up-One Less Enemy
The huge mountain of honey and nest wood stood proudly at the foot of Windy Valley, overlooking the stream that led to the central windmill and the gorge that led up to Hangover Swamp. It was the homeland of the HoneyBees, an advanced clan of giant insects that was controlled by a monarchy. They had a social economy very much like the Squirrels, but smaller, significantly less rich and relying mainly on harvesting giant flowers to use for honey. They were peaceful, and usually warned or tried to sort out invaders before cutting them down with gunfire. The King, Mr. Zinger Lafayette, had seen the throne before his wife had kicked him out. However, she was unable to guard the nests or return stolen hives from Wasps, and was thus crushed by a piece of stone from a windmill explosion. Lafayette returned to the throne, after becoming slightly boorish and unshaven, but has ruled with an iron fist ever since.
A trio of wasps cut through the air, carrying a hive full of honey away from HoneyBee Boarder. Shouts, threats and taunts could be heard as they arced through rocks and small canyons, dodging gunfire from portable beehive machine guns.
"We gotta get this honey back, or we'll freaking starve!" Said one in his whiny New York burr.
"Yeah, well, all of our alternative sources have been taken by those fucking beetles."
"Why do those losers need our honey anyway? I thought they ate shit!"
"I think it had to do with overpopulation. But yeah, now we're doomed to starvation!"
A wasp was hit with a "splat", and he went down, splattering into bits.
"Well, there goes Morris."
"Yeah, let's hope he had enough reason to regenerate. He hadn't been too helpful lately."
The Wasps were one of the most swindling, violent castes of creatures in Willow Woods. Though they had done legal trade with the HoneyBees, they often had to resort to stealing, due to the decreasing value of their currency, which was almost always something stolen from elsewhere. Because of their pilfering nature, they had soon developed a horrible reputation. They were also regenerated by Gregg Wimbledon because of order by the powers that be, which granted them the ability to come back to life until they had no reason to return. This had caused the competition to be fierce, since no one had wanted to be left in the dusts of Hell. They were usually a bit bigger than the average squirrel.
The Dung Beetles were scows, smack talking beetles, which ranged from the size of doorways to small cars. They were as violent in nature as the Wasps, but partly because the only food they could digest was poo. They could also handle certain herbs of tea, which was a luxury, and the Wasps had stolen almost all of it. That resulted in a horrendous retribution, for although the Beetles had lower tech than the Wasps, they were much bigger and could smash them to pieces and rip them apart with their jaws. Simply sucking poo off the ground was considered improper, which was why it had to be rolled up before gulped down.
---
"Quick, into the cave!" the first one shouted as a squad of bees whizzed past, toting dual rifles to shoot down intruders.
"It's over," said the second one. "Even if we do get back with this honey, it will never be enough to suffice. We're as good as extinct."
"Now don't start that crap. We have to. Wanka Marx is depending on us. If we don't, we WILL be."
"NO! I'm out of here. I don't want to live!" He flew out of the cave, and a splatter indicated his being shot.
"They're in the cave," shouted a HoneyBee, and the first wasp sighed and went deeper into the cave. After gulping down some sweet chocolate and briefly marveling at a writhing tail on a hook, he sped out the other side… into another group of HoneyBees. He stopped, dropped the hive, and raised his front two legs.
"Look, I'm sorry, I'm giving back your hive, okay?"
"Well why should we let you go?"
"Our colony is just haven' food troubles since da big beetle war."
"Well that's your own problem. After a history of stealing, I'd say it's time your ass is paid back for it. Now leave, chop-chop."
"But if we don't get enough, we're gonna starve! And… there will be no more… uh…"
"Stealing? Corruption? All that other crap you bring?"
"Look, how about dis. You give us food, you seem to have lots, and we join you in dis little escapade? With the Tediz?"
"Why should we protect you? You've been our main enemy for years. It would be a great accomplishment to have you people clipped. It would only make our lives easier. Besides, it's been over four years since we got a budget surplus this big. And if the trend continues, the Squirrels will less overshadow us."
"Yeah, now buzz off, or I'll mow you down like I did your two friends."
The Wasp left, unfulfilled of his honey and contemplating the same suicide.
Chapter 9: Invasion
"Okay, it looks like those two didn't make it," said Conker.
"Well, that makes another job for me," said Gregg, as he shuffled off to issue the squirrels into Hell.
"Honestly, I don't see a near end to this, we're going to have to drag out our normal brainstorming routine."
"Well what should we do? They know we've found them. They're bound to attack us and try to halt it," said Rodent.
"I want you to strengthen our defenses at Hangover Swamp. In that general area, I mean. They're bound to do something awful, and since that's exactly where they are relative to us, we need protect ourselves from that direction. Meanwhile, I want the French villagers and other immigrants to occupy the areas in Windy Valley that we annexed from the Wasps, God bless their souls…"
"Sir, our battalion has been sent."
"Good. Although I can't help but to feel worried about them. I hope they're trained well, I don't want any repeats of the slaughter I saw during the first invasion."
Conker sipped his wine, and stopped for a moment. He took a moment to remember the carnage he'd witnessed months earlier. But then he remembered something else. Something intriguing. His mind zipped around for a while, turning over each horrific event. The explosions of shells and machines. The thunder of guns of different caliber tearing up rooms and splitting Tediz skulls, and pinging harmlessly off of his tank's armor. The swoosh of missiles as they pounded away at his cover and crashed down on him from the sky. The clattering boom of a bazooka blowing off a lock or imploding a submarine.
A jolt of excitement shot through him. He looked through the monitor at the neatly-rowed badger artillery howitzers, behind a row of class-19 medium tanks. He had been in a class-22 medium before, and the class-19 was almost the exact same, only it was lacking the efficient targeting and suspension systems. He sighed. The squirrel technology was slightly behind that of the Tediz, and so much strategy was required. His thoughts were drifting off, when his eyes caught a glimpse of the class-16 heavy tank behind it.
It was a magnificent sight. Huge, about 30% longer and a bit wider… it's bulky frame towered slightly above the smaller tank. It housed a much higher-velocity gun of about the same caliber, and there was a small machine gun cupola high in the front part of the turret.
Conker couldn't take it anymore. He broke out into an excited giggle.
"Rodent, this might sound a bit off the edge… but could you…"
"What?"
"Could you send me down there to assist?"
"But Conker, I thought you were sick of fighting!"
"Yeah, well, something inside me just awoke… and it won't go to rest again. Besides, it might benefit them to have someone with a little hands- on experience…
Rodent paused. He sighed, stood up from his stool, and picked up the telephone.
"Hello. Yes, this is general Rodent. The king has ordered that he be placed with the battalion at the harbor. Send a shuttle immediately."
He put down the phone.
"Oh, and Conker… if you're going, I'm coming with."
---
The drone of chatting filled the room as soldiers prepared for the great assault on the 2nd Tedi base. Squirrels talked of their past experiences and ambitions while gearing and arming up.
"Ten-shun!"
Silence fell over them as the stocky-built sergeant marched into the tent.
"Alright, I know this is going to sound crazy. But it is every bit as real as the bullets you ladies packed into your purses of death. But we has got a very special guest who's decided that he will come along with us on our little assault. He has had timeless experience, and was the genius, the hero, indeed the master military tactician who near single-handedly cleared up the first threat to our country, the original Tediz base.
Excited murmurs filled the tent.
"I want us all to line up outside for his arrival. He should be here soon, so be sure to get yours out here quickly."
The platoon lined up neatly, then marched single-file outside to meet the huge crowd of other soldiers from the 39 other platoons. A loud murmur had filled the air, cut short by another barking order from the Sarge. All was quiet, to be broken by a soft humming. As the army squinted into the distance, they saw a small truck hopping over the plains. It neared, then sputtered to a stop. The door slowly opened, then a red carpet unrolled from beneath the steps. Two weasels stepped out, and behind them, Conker and Rodent trudged along proudly behind them.
"Ahem. It is with great pleasure to attend you tonight. And now, on behalf of our country, our land, I would like to celebrate what I would like to see as the end of the horrible epidemic that has reigned down upon our everyday lives."
He paused, and turned to the rest of the battalion.
"We live in fear and despair every day, knowing that something or other will get blown up, and close friends murdered. I have seen many of the two, and this has only strengthened my will, my penchant for survival, my experience, and will serve duly as we march into the roar of gunfire today. The battle may last several days. It may kill all and every one of you. It may be a foolish attempt to purge an unstoppable force. But if I can take on an entire base full of the beasts with a bit of luck and skill, well, then surely, a battalion of the best, the strongest, the bravest of the land can do the same? I wish you all good luck, the same luck I had, and hopefully, even greater skill."
A cheer rose up from the battalion, as Conker and Rodent stepped down and ordered the Sergeant to prepare for the launch.
"All right, let's move out!"
The neatly-rowed troops marched steadily into the 20 large assault landers anchored on the dock, each one much larger than the ones Conker had experience with in the past. They held 40 soldiers each, and were completely enclosed. Coming around the end of the dock into the open sea were two massive battleships, the Pride and the Iron Claw, two of the largest in the navy. Two cruisers, the Minister and the Goodfellow flanked them, along with four unnamed destroyers and several patrol boats. Among them were four huge vehicle landers, and a single carrier, which was staggeringly massive, larger then even the battleships, called, as an ironic wartime joke, the Honeybunch.
Watching from the monitor at the castle, Fluoresce waved a tearful goodbye, praying that Conker would get back in safety.
24 squirrel soldiers climbed into their helicopters and prepared to search out what lay in the sea. They donned headgear, loaded weapons, and packed supplies for a long trip, 200 miles away, approximately.
"Alright, you all know your mission! Find out what this great, golden menace is, expose it, and then we'll silence it for good!"
"Yes sir!"
"We will probe, show and eliminate the threat until there is peace and tranquillity in all of the land!"
"We will, uh, oh screw that crap."
Dozens of eyes stared upon him.
"Oh, King Conker told me not to swear. He's, er, attached to someone, and apparently, it doesn't do her too good to hear swearing. So I've replaced every swear word in this here vocabulary with a less-offensive one. Now let's go, we is got a secret to uncover!"
The helicopters roared off into the sky, leaving behind trails of dust and debris in their wake.
Hours later, they landed at the squirrel installation at the harbor, which used to be buzzing with electric eels and frisky boxes of ammo that couldn't stop bouncing.
"Alright, men, place the sonar!"
A small gray box was dropped into the water by a soldier, which emitted a loud beeping noise. A screen appeared, showing nothing particular.
"Nothing, sir," said the squirrel.
"What? Well, dang! You mean we came all the way out here for nothing?"
"Well, uh, we could go out a bit further, sir."
"Yeah, we probably should. Conker said not to return until we found something. We'll just drop this stuff off and take the dinghy."
"Sir, the dinghy has been replaced by a frigate. And a patrol boat."
"Well, we've only got 24 people, so we gonna take the boat. Load up, boys, we've got to find something out here."
…
The next morning, Conker was woken by a flurry of very loud voices. They were coming from directly below him, and they sounded very rapid, in a French sort of way. He dressed up, brushed his large squirrel-teeth, and hurried downstairs to see what was going on.
"Sire, some strange immigrants showed up this morning. They have been demanding to see-"
A smashing sound reverberated throughout the castle, from the main door.
"I recognize that noise," said Conker. "It's the sound of angry villagers braying on the door."
"We're trying to hold them back," said the fat weasel, adding barricades to the door. "If they make a breach, we will have to stop them. I suggest calling down an imp squadron, then going back to safety."
"What… well, alright." Conker picked up a wall phone, and shouted into it. "Hello? Little crisis down here! Send some assistance!"
With that done, Conker ran back up to his bedroom, to crash into Fluoresce.
"What's going on out there?"
"Apparently, some people are trying to get into the castle. And I have no idea why."
"Who? WHY? I'm frightened!"
"Don't worry, I've called for help."
"But it sounds like dozens!"
A huge, painful crack sounded, and the door gave away. It flew open, shoving aside the weasel gaurds. Conker could see, now, that the invaders were people of Frunce.
"What… how did you…"
"Fluoresce! Why are you here?" Said a villager.
"I was brought here by a couple of friendly beetles! And you all?"
"We barely managed to escape the desert. And it was no thanks to this horrible tyrant!"
The crowd of people lunged after Conker, only to be stopped by a wall of menacing spikes. The Green Imps then popped out, shrieking fiercely in their arcane language. The villagers struggled to break through, but after five minutes of being cut and beaten by the Imps, it subsided.
"Okay, people, calm down," said Conker. "Now tell me… why are you here?"
"Our chancellor, that is, Chancellor Don Weaselo, has informed us that a crooked monarch by the name of Conker Theodore Squirrel sent that horrible wave of Uggas that attacked and destroyed our town."
"Whoa, you've got the wrong guy. I'm not even in charge of the Ugga Empire. Don Weaselo is."
"Then why would they destroy us? We have always been allied, and it makes perfect sense that the person who drive away their former leader would try to harm us again."
"What? I drove him away because he was trying to kill me! Do you really think that after everything I did to them that they would let us boss them around?"
"From the way you manipulated that green raptor, I could swear you are blood brothers!"
"Look, just stay at Windy Valley until we can do something about your hometown."
"Why should we listen to you?"
"Well, you're really in no position to argue." The villagers looked around, to see that they were equally numbered by armed weasels and powerful Imps.
"Alright, we will step down, but if anything else happens…"
A round of gunshot cut through the air.
"Stop firing!" Shouted Conker, looking around to see who had cracked the shot. But as he turned around, he saw that it was a guard that fell. He then heard someone say 'yea gonna be swimming' wit da fishes', and a group of weasels strode in, carrying Tommy Guns. They kept firing, stitching holes in the cowered Imp's armor and blasting away at hiding weasels.
"Fire!" Yelled Conker, running back up the stairs. The nightmarish clattering of rounds from all-too-familiar Tommy Guns and the blasts of the pistols filled the air mixed with the screaming of retreating villagers. Fluoresce held Conker tightly, as they rushed up the stairs away from the pounding fury.
...
Sergeant Rico's squadron had been out all night, looking for the sonar blip. It appeared here and there, but never in the same area twice. They had traced it to be far offshore. And here they were, 150 miles out in the sea, chasing something that seemed to mock their existence.
"Well, show's over, folks, we might as well go home. There ain't nothin' out here."
"Sir, look! There's something in the water!"
"What?"
"It looks like something's been carved out of the water!"
Rico looked over to see an enormous bowl in the water, as if it had parted and stayed there, leaving a 200-foot dip. The entire crew was looking about now, at this giant, bobbing shape in the water. It appeared to be miles around, stretching nearly into the horizon.
"Maybe it's a whirlpool!" Suggested a soldier
"There ain't no whirlpool that big, nor one with such a perfect shape as this! Are you all seeing this?"
24 shocked faces nodded.
"Why don't we, er examine it. Steady ahead!"
The boat jumped foreword, accelerating gently toward it. Suddenly, a loud "beep" was heard, then a sputtering followed by a soft splash. The boat rocked as four silver submarines surfaced beside it.
"What the? Man the guns!" A soldier ran into the main turret, the boat's only weapon. It could fire a 75mm high-explosive bullet that was more than enough to take out a submarine. The submarines aimed their weapons at the boat. They were armed with 20mm turret guns, which could grind away the boat from all sides. They also mounted missiles, which were guided, an improvement over the old Teddifunken ballistics.
"Uh-oh. Boys, looks like we're outnumbered. Signal our surrender." A large white flag erupted from the pole, and the submarines closed in. The radio cackled, and a menacing voice was heard.
"Stebayu, ya match it polumba."
"What the hell is he saying?"
But the message was clear, and the submarines nudged the boat until the soldiers followed.
"Where are they taking us?" Said Rico, getting dizzy.
They floated on, and got closer and closer to the weird water imprint. Then, without any pre-empting, a large black hole appeared in front of them, out of nowhere. They floated into it, the submarines followed them, and a vast loading dock appeared in front of them. Half the crew fainted as they floated through the strange, steely nightmare.
2 Chapter 6: Narrow Escape
Conker stepped nervously down the stairs, tiptoeing ahead of Fluoresce. It had been a night ago when the castle was stormed by weasels.
"Hello?" He called, glancing around, "is anyone there?"
"Sire," came the familiar, scratchy voice of his thin weasel guard. He crawled over to Conker, and sprawled there, lying next to his majesty.
"Are… are you all right?"
"It… doesn't look… good." He rolled over to reveal a gaping Tommy gun bullet wound on his leg.
"Ah, don't worry, we can get you to the hospital. It's just a leg wound."
"It… hurts… sire…"
"Medic! Er, someone? Where is everybody?"
"Right here, sire," said the fat guard.
"Well what are you waiting for? Do something!" Yelled Conker. "This guy's shot!"
"I apologize, I must have missed him while picking up the casualties."
"Casualties? That reminds me. What, er, how many people were hurt here?"
"There was a total of 47 deaths. 18 for the intruders, 24 of ours, 3 French villagers and 2 imps."
"How did this happen? Damn, those stupid villagers chose the perfect time! Fuck!"
Fluoresce shot him a look.
"Er, okay, look. Beef up security, hire more Imps, and try to find a place for the villagers to stay."
"We already have, they're in the guests chambers. We were going to ask you."
"Alright, Fluoresce? You okay with that?"
Fluoresce nodded.
"Great. Now, why don't we call the Sarge and say, give him a hand?" The weasel handed him a small ham radio, and he whispered quietly, "hello, anyone there?"
A crackling sound occurred, and a garbled voice answered.
"Huh? Your majesty! We've uncovered the big secret thing! But we're in a tight situation here, and it would be best if you'd call back a little later," said Rico.
"What's going on? Where are you, and what is the big secret?"
"Well, I think it's some sort of… dock or something. We were exploring out here, you see, and we saw these sonar blips from submarines! And, we followed them to this huge imprint in the water! Then…"
"PERFECT! You've found it!"
"SHHH! Be quiet! I, oh shit!"
"What's going on? He's wearing a wire! Block it!" Said a scratchy weasel voice.
"Uh-oh," said Conker, and the transmission became a blast of static. "Oops."
He sighed, shrugged, and walked off to accompany Fluoresce, who had wandered off to the boiler room to watch the imps have a brawl.
…
Rico stared at the wall of his cell, pondering what was going on, and who was going where. They were told that they would be subject to awful experiments, and he had been placed in his own private cell, and the others were put in 7 cells of 4 each. The people who had gone and done were a mix of Weasels and Tediz soldiers, mainly Tediz, and Rico added to that bundle of questions what those awful experiments were, and how awful they would be.
"Ah, shit," he said, "I knew there was something screwy about this. I knew, as soon as I heard those damn submarines that we were screwed over. If only I had thought to bring more people. Damn it."
He heard footsteps as two Tediz soldiers entered the cell.
"Sata ha no tope puma be," the first one said.
"Tama to balm be tyro," replied the second.
The Sarge then noticed, as they passed the cell, that they were unarmed. Like a giant light bulb, an idea formed in his head. He began to cough, as loud as he could, trying not to sound like he was hocking a spitball.
"Shut up en deer," said the first Tedi in his poor English.
"Oh, God, I can't breathe!"
"Ah seed shut up!"
He began to make a horrible throat gurgling noise with his saliva. He heard the Tediz coming back, and he fell over, playing dead. The Tediz saw his mouth foaming, and entered the cell.
"Ah know yea ah fayeking theta cough-e-cough. Stop et, er I'll," he didn't have a chance to finish. Rico punched both of them, stole their key, and then ran out the door. He hurried down the corridor, unlocking all of the prison cells, one by one.
"Come on, hurry! We gotta get our asses out of here pronto!" He yelled, as they ran through the complex. An alarm sounded, and soon the halls were littered with confused weasels and angry Tediz. As he ran along, Rico punched and threw every creature behind him, as the stunned bodies tended to pile and make him less of a target. He reached an area with a sign that marked "prison port", and dashed that way, dodging now-present gunfire.
"Come on, move! I know where I'm going," he said as the other soldiers ran along behind.
As he veered to the left, he saw a vast cavern in front of him open up. They dashed inside, then hid behind a crate.
"Stebayu!" Yelled a Tedi, their typical death threat.
As it went for its weapon, Rico grabbed it first, then threw the Tedi into the water. He then broke open a crate to use as a shield.
"Bingo," he said, as a hoard of weapons piled out. As he handed them out to the soldiers, he heard the sounds of bullets splintering wood by his head.
"Fire!" he said in a hoarse shout. The soldiers fired at the remaining dock gaurds, outnumbering them 24 to 8, and scaring them off. Rico threw crates into the door, then dashed down onto the dock and boarded a cruiser. The 24 squirrels followed, taking places at the control console and at the helm.
"Hold them off at the door!" He said, as Tediz began pouring out. A loud crash and a heavy impact indicated bazooka fire. Several crashes later, the ship was moving out.
"Ready, aim, fire!" shouted a soldier as he squeezed the lever. A huge shell blasted the doorway, causing a slight cave in and eliminating a few Tediz.
"Alright, move out! GO!"
The ship lurched foreword, heading out the open bay door. A Tedi pulled a red lever on the wall, causing it to slowly shut. He held onto it, until a squirrel gunner who had mounted the rear machine gun shot him. As the door slowly reopened, the ship floated out to freedom. But as it headed out to sea, they noticed that it was slowly sinking to one side.
"Whoa, shit! We've got a breach!" Said a soldier.
"Well then let's man the God damn lifeboats," said Rico.
The soldiers dashed down onto the lifeboats attached to the sides of the ship. A huge bubbling sound could be heard as it slowly filled up with water, and Rico then realized after a headcount that they were missing four people.
"Help!" They cried as the cruiser was shot by a towrope from a nearby Tediz tugboat. As armed Tediz poured onto the ship, two of the squirrels tried jumping off. They were soon snared up by a net and pulled aboard the tug with the others. Their last cries of anguish echoed across the sea as the cruiser sank into the abyss.
3 Chapter 7: Horrible experiments
Over the days, Conker and Fluoresce had become closer, and the French villagers had found employment around Windy. Although the jobs they worked so hard to get were never enjoyable, since there was the large possibility they would have to work at Poo Mountain, it kept them busy and helped them to forget their lost friends.
"So, Conker," said Fluoresce as she refilled his Chateau, "do you like our local brew?"
"Well, it tastes a bit tangy, but…" he stifled a choke, "it's… an acquired taste." He wished forcefully that she would let him switch back to his malt without being offended.
"Well, I don't think Garrison used the right ingredients… I don't think they are plentiful here."
"And I gather you didn't like the malt very much?"
"It made me feel so funny… I was pondering doing stupid things! Such a drink should be considered dangerous. But the taste was nice and sweet, kinda bland. Did I just say "kinda"? I meant kind of. I'm losing my grammar."
"Ah, don't worry, you'll do fine. So, how do you think our friends are doing?"
"Didn't he seem a bit alarmed through that radio?"
"Hey, he always comes through. Hey, that reminds me… I think I have another one somewhere. I gave it to a soldier. Can't remember who it was, though. Anyway, they should be reporting back soon."
…
"So, ve have been found, no? Zat means we vill have to speed up ze operation." The professor downed a glass of green tea, which he preferred because of its caffeine-he had to make what he could out of limited sleep.
"Where do we put the prisoners we managed to hold onto?"
"Zer are four of them?"
"Yeah. That means we can't test out everything."
"Vell, I know what I'm doing with them. You do know of ze upgraded destroyer robots?"
"Yeah, you mean the mutant thing?"
"Not just any mutant, it can support a wide array of weapons. It can also use them with very quick reflexes, due to its reliance on ze squirrel brain to do its seeing. It vill replace ze older model, which had a little girl who… didn't know how to handle ze weapons. I want you to have them use two of these prisoners in ze experiment, and ze other two… to fight them."
"Right. I'll go tell them right now." He left the room, leaving the sniveling professor.
…
"Hey, where are the other two?" Said the two squirrel soldiers, waking up the next morning in their cell.
"I dunno, although I remember being awoken by a scream or something."
"Are you serious? Awe, shut up."
"No, I'm not… hey, look, it's a Tediz!" A Tediz soldier shambled over to their cell, rifle in hand, and unlocked it. He made a feeble attempt to speak in English, and motioned for them to get out.
"Where are we going?" Asked the first soldier.
"Maybe we're being set free," replied the second. He heard the Tedi laugh in its scratchy voice as they walked, and after about five minutes, they came upon a large, metal chamber. As they looked up, they saw many weasels and Tediz looking down on them from what looked like 100-foot high bleachers. They were laughing and talking as if it were some sort of social event. A lot had clipboards and pencils, and the occasional notebook.
"What's going on here? Why are we in this big stadium thing?"
"And now, we get to witness the effectiveness of this machine in action," said a weasel in the front-center of the centermost bleacher. The voices quieted down. "Hand them their weapons." The Tedi walked up to the squirrels and handed one of them a rifle, and the other, a large green bazooka.
"What is this, some sort of game?" Asked the one with the rifle.
"You're about to find out. Now, open the gates!" There were two gates underneath the bleachers, and with a rumble they opened up. A blast of steam shot out at first. Then, a loud clinking could be heard. Then, little by little, two unspeakable monstrosities emerged from the mist. As the squirrels looked up, not knowing what to stare at first, they spotted their two friends faces among the nightmare.
"Hey, Rico!" Shouted Conker as him and the twenty others landed their choppers.
"Yo, Conker! Four of them didn't make it!" He said as he climbed out.
"They got killed, you mean?"
"Uh, probably by now."
"What was it that you found?"
"You were right about that second base, it's there! Like the last one, but I think a bit bigger!"
"Well why can't I see it?"
"It's got some sort of, trust me on this one, invisibility system in it. Basically, we couldn't even see it until we were inside."
"But, you can track it down on sonar?"
"Well, they've got lots of defenses, mainly ECM systems and submarines. That means launching cruise missiles won't work."
"That's really weird. I've never heard of this invisible system."
"Well, you said he was the son of a professor, right?"
"Yeah. Well, now that we know where and what it is, we'll have to do something about it, won't we? How many recruits do we have?"
"We're up to 17,000, sir."
"Alright, good. Can we continue the development of tanks and artillery?"
"Already have, sir."
"And aerospace and marine warfare?"
"Yep."
"Alright then. I want you to prepare to launch a full battalion from the squirrel harbor in the northeast. Then, I want you to round up all the allied species. The bees, the beetles, the red squirrels, the chipmunks, and our weasels. Everything. Tell them all that they are to be on the look out for any sort of uprising, and that they should subdue them at any costs."
"Alright. Will be done, sir."
"I also want our entire Northern fleet to accompany it. And at least two full brigades of tanks and artillery."
"Hey, Conker!" Called Rodent. "I found your other ham radio!"
"Oh, yeah, I was wondering where that was. Thanks." He turned it on, and was hit by a blast of shouts, gunshots and screams.
"What's going on?" He yelled into it.
"Ahhh! Shoot, damn it, shoot!" He heard an explosion of a bazooka.
"Are you guys okay?"
"What is it? Ah!" Then, a clanking sound could be heard. It sounded like a dozen steel bars hitting each other.
"What's that?" Shouted Conker as the piercing sound of a saw now corrupted the radio. The saw became louder, cut through something with a whine, and the screams stopped. Amused mumbling could now be heard. Conker turned off the radio, and let out s sigh.
"What was that?" asked Rodent.
"I don't know, but it didn't sound good."
4 Chapter 8: Allied clear up-One Less Enemy
The huge mountain of honey and nest wood stood proudly at the foot of Windy Valley, overlooking the stream that led to the central windmill and the gorge that led up to Hangover Swamp. It was the homeland of the HoneyBees, an advanced clan of giant insects that was controlled by a monarchy. They had a social economy very much like the Squirrels, but smaller, significantly less rich and relying mainly on harvesting giant flowers to use for honey. They were peaceful, and usually warned or tried to sort out invaders before cutting them down with gunfire. The King, Mr. Zinger Lafayette, had seen the throne before his wife had kicked him out. However, she was unable to guard the nests or return stolen hives from Wasps, and was thus crushed by a piece of stone from a windmill explosion. Lafayette returned to the throne, after becoming slightly boorish and unshaven, but has ruled with an iron fist ever since.
A trio of wasps cut through the air, carrying a hive full of honey away from HoneyBee Boarder. Shouts, threats and taunts could be heard as they arced through rocks and small canyons, dodging gunfire from portable beehive machine guns.
"We gotta get this honey back, or we'll freaking starve!" Said one in his whiny New York burr.
"Yeah, well, all of our alternative sources have been taken by those fucking beetles."
"Why do those losers need our honey anyway? I thought they ate shit!"
"I think it had to do with overpopulation. But yeah, now we're doomed to starvation!"
A wasp was hit with a "splat", and he went down, splattering into bits.
"Well, there goes Morris."
"Yeah, let's hope he had enough reason to regenerate. He hadn't been too helpful lately."
The Wasps were one of the most swindling, violent castes of creatures in Willow Woods. Though they had done legal trade with the HoneyBees, they often had to resort to stealing, due to the decreasing value of their currency, which was almost always something stolen from elsewhere. Because of their pilfering nature, they had soon developed a horrible reputation. They were also regenerated by Gregg Wimbledon because of order by the powers that be, which granted them the ability to come back to life until they had no reason to return. This had caused the competition to be fierce, since no one had wanted to be left in the dusts of Hell. They were usually a bit bigger than the average squirrel.
The Dung Beetles were scows, smack talking beetles, which ranged from the size of doorways to small cars. They were as violent in nature as the Wasps, but partly because the only food they could digest was poo. They could also handle certain herbs of tea, which was a luxury, and the Wasps had stolen almost all of it. That resulted in a horrendous retribution, for although the Beetles had lower tech than the Wasps, they were much bigger and could smash them to pieces and rip them apart with their jaws. Simply sucking poo off the ground was considered improper, which was why it had to be rolled up before gulped down.
---
"Quick, into the cave!" the first one shouted as a squad of bees whizzed past, toting dual rifles to shoot down intruders.
"It's over," said the second one. "Even if we do get back with this honey, it will never be enough to suffice. We're as good as extinct."
"Now don't start that crap. We have to. Wanka Marx is depending on us. If we don't, we WILL be."
"NO! I'm out of here. I don't want to live!" He flew out of the cave, and a splatter indicated his being shot.
"They're in the cave," shouted a HoneyBee, and the first wasp sighed and went deeper into the cave. After gulping down some sweet chocolate and briefly marveling at a writhing tail on a hook, he sped out the other side… into another group of HoneyBees. He stopped, dropped the hive, and raised his front two legs.
"Look, I'm sorry, I'm giving back your hive, okay?"
"Well why should we let you go?"
"Our colony is just haven' food troubles since da big beetle war."
"Well that's your own problem. After a history of stealing, I'd say it's time your ass is paid back for it. Now leave, chop-chop."
"But if we don't get enough, we're gonna starve! And… there will be no more… uh…"
"Stealing? Corruption? All that other crap you bring?"
"Look, how about dis. You give us food, you seem to have lots, and we join you in dis little escapade? With the Tediz?"
"Why should we protect you? You've been our main enemy for years. It would be a great accomplishment to have you people clipped. It would only make our lives easier. Besides, it's been over four years since we got a budget surplus this big. And if the trend continues, the Squirrels will less overshadow us."
"Yeah, now buzz off, or I'll mow you down like I did your two friends."
The Wasp left, unfulfilled of his honey and contemplating the same suicide.
Chapter 9: Invasion
"Okay, it looks like those two didn't make it," said Conker.
"Well, that makes another job for me," said Gregg, as he shuffled off to issue the squirrels into Hell.
"Honestly, I don't see a near end to this, we're going to have to drag out our normal brainstorming routine."
"Well what should we do? They know we've found them. They're bound to attack us and try to halt it," said Rodent.
"I want you to strengthen our defenses at Hangover Swamp. In that general area, I mean. They're bound to do something awful, and since that's exactly where they are relative to us, we need protect ourselves from that direction. Meanwhile, I want the French villagers and other immigrants to occupy the areas in Windy Valley that we annexed from the Wasps, God bless their souls…"
"Sir, our battalion has been sent."
"Good. Although I can't help but to feel worried about them. I hope they're trained well, I don't want any repeats of the slaughter I saw during the first invasion."
Conker sipped his wine, and stopped for a moment. He took a moment to remember the carnage he'd witnessed months earlier. But then he remembered something else. Something intriguing. His mind zipped around for a while, turning over each horrific event. The explosions of shells and machines. The thunder of guns of different caliber tearing up rooms and splitting Tediz skulls, and pinging harmlessly off of his tank's armor. The swoosh of missiles as they pounded away at his cover and crashed down on him from the sky. The clattering boom of a bazooka blowing off a lock or imploding a submarine.
A jolt of excitement shot through him. He looked through the monitor at the neatly-rowed badger artillery howitzers, behind a row of class-19 medium tanks. He had been in a class-22 medium before, and the class-19 was almost the exact same, only it was lacking the efficient targeting and suspension systems. He sighed. The squirrel technology was slightly behind that of the Tediz, and so much strategy was required. His thoughts were drifting off, when his eyes caught a glimpse of the class-16 heavy tank behind it.
It was a magnificent sight. Huge, about 30% longer and a bit wider… it's bulky frame towered slightly above the smaller tank. It housed a much higher-velocity gun of about the same caliber, and there was a small machine gun cupola high in the front part of the turret.
Conker couldn't take it anymore. He broke out into an excited giggle.
"Rodent, this might sound a bit off the edge… but could you…"
"What?"
"Could you send me down there to assist?"
"But Conker, I thought you were sick of fighting!"
"Yeah, well, something inside me just awoke… and it won't go to rest again. Besides, it might benefit them to have someone with a little hands- on experience…
Rodent paused. He sighed, stood up from his stool, and picked up the telephone.
"Hello. Yes, this is general Rodent. The king has ordered that he be placed with the battalion at the harbor. Send a shuttle immediately."
He put down the phone.
"Oh, and Conker… if you're going, I'm coming with."
---
The drone of chatting filled the room as soldiers prepared for the great assault on the 2nd Tedi base. Squirrels talked of their past experiences and ambitions while gearing and arming up.
"Ten-shun!"
Silence fell over them as the stocky-built sergeant marched into the tent.
"Alright, I know this is going to sound crazy. But it is every bit as real as the bullets you ladies packed into your purses of death. But we has got a very special guest who's decided that he will come along with us on our little assault. He has had timeless experience, and was the genius, the hero, indeed the master military tactician who near single-handedly cleared up the first threat to our country, the original Tediz base.
Excited murmurs filled the tent.
"I want us all to line up outside for his arrival. He should be here soon, so be sure to get yours out here quickly."
The platoon lined up neatly, then marched single-file outside to meet the huge crowd of other soldiers from the 39 other platoons. A loud murmur had filled the air, cut short by another barking order from the Sarge. All was quiet, to be broken by a soft humming. As the army squinted into the distance, they saw a small truck hopping over the plains. It neared, then sputtered to a stop. The door slowly opened, then a red carpet unrolled from beneath the steps. Two weasels stepped out, and behind them, Conker and Rodent trudged along proudly behind them.
"Ahem. It is with great pleasure to attend you tonight. And now, on behalf of our country, our land, I would like to celebrate what I would like to see as the end of the horrible epidemic that has reigned down upon our everyday lives."
He paused, and turned to the rest of the battalion.
"We live in fear and despair every day, knowing that something or other will get blown up, and close friends murdered. I have seen many of the two, and this has only strengthened my will, my penchant for survival, my experience, and will serve duly as we march into the roar of gunfire today. The battle may last several days. It may kill all and every one of you. It may be a foolish attempt to purge an unstoppable force. But if I can take on an entire base full of the beasts with a bit of luck and skill, well, then surely, a battalion of the best, the strongest, the bravest of the land can do the same? I wish you all good luck, the same luck I had, and hopefully, even greater skill."
A cheer rose up from the battalion, as Conker and Rodent stepped down and ordered the Sergeant to prepare for the launch.
"All right, let's move out!"
The neatly-rowed troops marched steadily into the 20 large assault landers anchored on the dock, each one much larger than the ones Conker had experience with in the past. They held 40 soldiers each, and were completely enclosed. Coming around the end of the dock into the open sea were two massive battleships, the Pride and the Iron Claw, two of the largest in the navy. Two cruisers, the Minister and the Goodfellow flanked them, along with four unnamed destroyers and several patrol boats. Among them were four huge vehicle landers, and a single carrier, which was staggeringly massive, larger then even the battleships, called, as an ironic wartime joke, the Honeybunch.
Watching from the monitor at the castle, Fluoresce waved a tearful goodbye, praying that Conker would get back in safety.