Silenced

Chapter One: Confrontation

By: Silenced Angel

August 13, 2002

Author's Notes:

I had initially discarded the thought of placing author's notes in here for I thought that the fan fiction itself was pretty self-explanatory, but I suppose I was wrong. If you cannot accept the simple fact that this actually does happen to people in reality, you need to not read this fic and touch down to reality from where you've hidden yourself in a self-deluded fantasy world. It sounds harsh, I know, but I do not appreciate the fact that I have gotten emails stating how "sick-minded" I was. Others have written on far more offending topics and haven't had to fend off a single criticism. I completely appreciate constructive criticisms, comments, or concerns, but flat-out stupid comments are just utterly ridiculous.

I apologize for any who have waited for this fic, though I doubt many have and probably have forgotten about, for such a long while. I do have a life, as I am sure many others do as well and can sympathize with me. With that said, please read on.

***

Kinomoto Sakura.

Sixteen years old, altruistic, vivacious, and divinely beautiful. No one could deny that fact. She was the embodiment of the quintessence of beauty. Silky alabaster skin, perpetually smiling lips, flowing auburn locks, and emerald eyes, whose brightness rivaled the sun. She was a blithe, carefree teen, a cheerful presence always surrounding her.

Was that all there was to her? No, surely not. She was all that and more, but all that was an insidious guise to hide the emotions she had been hiding for years. Under her mask, she was tired, lonely, and incredibly disconsolate. She was suffering under that mask, slowly deteriorating, slowly cracking, until those pieces fell apart, and continued to break apart still into smaller pieces until it disappeared into nothingness. That was her. That was the girl Sakura was. And she was so deft in hiding it. So nobody knew. Everything was hidden under that mask of sparkling eyes and bright smiles.

~~~

"Sakura-chan!" The voice called out, sonorous, and annoyingly cheerful. Sakura turned around to greet it with a smile, and happiness dancing in her eyes, hiding the unbearable pain behind it.

A girl with natural grace ran to her, smile wide, amethyst eyes sparkling. Daidouji Tomoyo, her best friend. Funny how Sakura referred to her as her closest friend, when she knew nothing of her inner feelings. A best friend was supposed to be one on whom you could call upon with your problems. She was supposed to be the one on which you can depend on to comfort you in your time of need when tears fell freely. She was supposed to know all your secrets, light or dark. Tomoyo was these things, but she was lacking. The only secret Sakura kept from her, Sakura was greatly ashamed of, so she could never tell.

"Tomoyo-chan! Hi!" Her skill was amazing. Tomoyo had never suspected anything throughout all these years. That made her heart even heavier.

"I was wondering if you want to come over today! I designed some new clothes that would look great on you! You really must come, unless of course you have a date with Syaoran!" The girl giggled, it was melodious and cheerful still. Sakura abhorred it.

If Sakura were the same person that she was four years ago, the last comment would have made her blood rush to her face, and color it red. But she wasn't that naïve little girl any longer. She had changed exponentially and it wasn't for the better. She endured hardships that no one had ever known, she faced suffering no one could ever comprehend, and she felt pain that no one could ever survive; only herself. Her sad, unfortunate self.

Kinomoto Sakura had once been what one would call innocent, and naïve. How ironic that she still acted the part when she was far from it. She no longer held the adorable naiveté that people had found so painfully cute. She had seen and experienced far too much to remain naïve. She was also no longer the innocent child everyone loved and strived to protect. Oh, they still loved her. They loved her very much, and fought with a passion to protect her from the harsh cruel world. Hah, how they failed miserably. They thought to protect her from the world, but had they ever thought to protect her within the boundaries of her home? Of course not, why would they? No, her innocence and naiveté was long gone, forcefully stolen from her just like her virginity. Oh, the sweet ironic world. Clandestine and undeniably unpredictable.

Her words faltered for a moment, and thankfully the latter didn't notice. "Of course not, Tomoyo-chan. I'll come over to try on your clothes. I'm sure they're all wonderful, as usual!" Her voice held too much energy, too much alacrity, was too happy, and it made her sick. How much longer will this charade last? How much longer will she last? All will reveal itself in due time.

~~~

The phone rang. It was faint, barely audible through her closed doors, but she heard it nonetheless. Not caring, she turned over on her side as she stared at the walls, her expression dull. Through the dark, she saw nothing, but that didn't bother her in the least. The darkness was something important to her for it held something valuable: protection.

Soft knocks tapped against her door and a second later the door opened a crack. "Sakura? Are you awake? Someone's on the phone for you."

Her brother. She didn't answer. The constriction around her throat, the heaviness of her heart, and the tears in her eyes forbade her to speak, lest she give herself away in her moment of weakness. Thinking she was asleep, the door was once again closed and she was left in the dark.

Too tired… she was just too tired. Displaying the same monotonous façade every single day always left her drained and yet restless when night came, and she just could not continue it right now. She gripped her wrist tightly, as if in frustration, and only winced momentarily when she felt the blood flow from the open cuts. She shouldn't do that, she knew. Oh, she wasn't worried about the pain it would bring. No, she hardly noticed that. She was more worried of the fact that it might stain her sheets or pillows and then her brother would be asking countless of questions in which she could not answer.

Heaving a sigh, she slowly stood up, as if the feat itself was an arduous one, and she reached under her bed to grab the hidden stash of bandages she kept. She wrapped her wrist tightly in the soft white gauze, her treatment of the wound anything but careful. Only then did she return to bed, and let her tears lull her to sleep.

~~~

She awoke before the sun rose in the horizon feeling completely refreshed in body, however not in mind. It helped that she had actually gotten eight hours of sleep, as opposed to the usual couple of hours. She didn't sit up though, only lay there with her eyes closed, praying she could go back to sleep. How wonderful it would be to just lay there and wallow in self-pity, but no. Instead she must go through the damn dilatory routine that she went through everyday. Sakura gave a sigh before opening her eyes once more. Sitting up, she slowly brought her hands up, as if they were weighed down by heavy lead weights, and began to undo the gauze from her right hand. She felt relieved when she had taken off the blood stained gauze and saw that the wounds had scabbed.

'Now I don't have to wrap it.'

Walking to the trashcan by her table, she carefully placed it in under several pieces of paper to hide it from view. She made her way back to her bed and sat down, thinking about the coming up day.

It was Saturday. Two days ago, Syaoran had asked her if she had wanted to go out for the day, and of course, she agreed. What else could she do? Although it took more energy for her to make her act convincing, for he knew her well and wasn't as easily fooled, she somehow found solace from her problems, if only for a while, when she was with him. When he held her in his arms, she felt the heavy burden become lifted away in tiny portions, albeit, very slowly. When he smiled at her with a smile she knew he reserved only for her, she felt that the cold emptiness she felt in her heart began to fill once more. And whenever he kissed her, she felt the pain subside, kept at bay with his love for her.

Yes, she loved him, but would he love her if he found out?

She scoffed at the thought. She highly doubted it. How could he? If he was ever to discover the truth, surely he would be as thoroughly disgusted with her, as she was with herself. If ever he was to see her wrists, he would hate her for being so weak as to afflict herself with wounds. If he ever found out that she had kept such a thing from him for all these years, she was sure she would never hear those three words come from his lips again. And suddenly, the anxiousness that had built up within her at the thought of seeing him today flew out the window, along with the hope that had been growing that today would actually be a carefree day, with no pain, no tears, and no worries.

~~~

It had been bothering him for the past few hours, and still he remained quiet. He told himself that if she had wanted to tell him, she would have already, and he didn't want to force her to talk about it. But it still didn't stop his concern over the dullness in her eyes, where usually it shone with bright luster. He had noticed as soon as he first set eyes on her when he opened his door that something was wrong; something was bothering her. She was usually much more open, so he decided to wait it out. But, as they silently walked through the park, he just couldn't take it anymore.

He looked at her, noticing her downcast eyes and her arms wrapped securely around her. He saw her shiver and wondered why, for the shirt she wore were long-sleeved and the sun was shining brightly, making it a perfect afternoon. Giving a sigh, not being able to wait for her any longer to voice her feelings, he stopped in his tracks and asked her the question that had been plaguing his mind since that morning.

"Sakura, what's wrong?"

She stopped but didn't turn around. He noticed that her posture had become rigid, and she seemed to build a barrier around herself. She didn't turn around when she answered, still keeping her eyes transfixed on the ground.

"Nothing. I'm just tired, that's all." Trying to convince him, she looked over her shoulder and flashed him a brief smile before turning back around and continuing their walk.

"No, Sakura, there's something bothering you. What is-" He had grabbed her arm to stop her from walking away from her, though none too gently, but his words were stopped when she cried out in pain. His eyes widened in horrible realization that he had somehow hurt her, and before she could stop him, he took one step closer to her and pulled back the sleeve of her shirt.

His mouth immediately dried, and he found himself staring in mute shock and horror as his eyes washed over the precarious array of criss-crossing scars that decorated her arm. He opened his mouth to speak but the words refused to be spoken. He felt his heart tighten painfully at the sight, and for a reason he couldn't apprehend, anger rose in him to dangerous heights.

She said nothing to him, horror silencing her as it had him, as she realized that finally, he knew. She wanted to pull her arm from his offending grasp, but found that she couldn't. She wanted to give him an explanation, but found that even if she could, her shaking voice would have made her words incoherent. She wanted to do something, but instead, she just stared dumbly where her arm was still in his possession.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of openly staring, he found it in himself to softly mutter three words.

"What is this?"

To Be Continued…