That night Kurama had insisted on sleeping on the floor. Ever the gentleman, he slept in the living room. So she was surprised when she wished he had at least stayed in the room with her. Now that he had actually attacked, Former loomed heavy in her thoughts. What if he chose to attack here? What if he attacked one of the others again? The feeling of eyes staring into her window kept her awake long into the night. Beyond fear, anxiety held her mind hostage. Kurama had agreed to put off talking to Koenma until the morning. Now she worried over what the confrontation would bring to light. If she did have a hidden past, what could be done about it? There were few ways to wipe a memory, and most of those ways were not retrievable. What had made Kurama even speculate that this could be a possibility?
She must have drifted off into sleep at some point in her musings because she woke screaming with Kurama crashing clumsily through her door. Her eyes were wide and her hands were reaching for a fading image in the black night air. She did not hesitate to bury her head in Kurama's chest and let loose the flooding tears. The nightmare had been vivid and terrifying. It had started as many of her dreams had, with Yusuke fighting some demon that was nearly tearing him to shreds. He barely pulled through, but as he was walking back to her he stopped short. His pristine white shirt bloomed red through his chest and there was a loud humming in her ears from the preceding shot. Yusuke's eyes were dull and empty as he fell back. Standing behind him with his arms still raised and gun in hand was a shadow of a man. No details, no face, just a shadow of a man. She remembered leaning down, trying to stop the blood from abandoning Yusuke's chest. And then a smothering nothingness swooped upon her, stealing her breath from her lungs, strangling the life from her heart. A piercing scream had awoken her before she realized that the racket was her.
"Botan breathe. You had a panic attack. Sh... It's ok. Yusuke's fine. Everything is fine." He was smoothing her hair and holding her face alternately, staring her in the eyes and trying to reassure her that his words were not empty. "Everything is fine." She finally started to calm down and he smiled at her.
"It was terrible Kurama. It was so real and… Kurama I don't know what I'm going to do." She cried again and buried her head in his shirt. "Everything is falling apart around me. I can't do this. I can't. He's going to get one of you; he's going to get Yusuke! Or Keiko, or Kuwabara or Shizuru… They're all just human! All it takes is one shot, one well-placed hit, and they're gone forever…" The thought sent her into another fit of sobs.
"What if I give you my word that I will protect them for you? I will even enlist Hiei to help. Discreetly of course, Yusuke would destroy me if he found out." She looked at him in surprise. He was entirely serious; his green eyes showed no hint of patronizing or jokes.
"Well… I guess he is less likely to kill one of you two. I mean you've been stabbed through the stomach twice without any medical assistance and still survived…" She thought it through for a moment. Kurama would not have much work to do. The only way Yusuke or Kuwabara would die would be to be caught off guard. That only left the two girls, which Kurama would have protected regardless. "Ok." She held out her hand for him to shake it.
"Now, try to get some sleep. We'll need to leave early to catch Koenma before you have to leave. I'm going to be insisting that you take off work. That is not up for debate either. You could hardly handle it right now and it is certainly not a safe option. And if you dare object I will be forced to steal you away from work each time you attempt." He still looked stern and so she did not argue.
"Kurama… Could you sleep in here? Just, we could make you a pallet by the window… Just in case anything happened."
"Of course. Just let me get my things." He slid out the door and she felt her face burn red. He probably thought her a child, or bothersome. Still, he was willing to help. That was more than what she had felt when she was doing it alone.
The next morning Botan awoke with a sweet smell sifting through her door. Kurama's pallet was empty and he had left a peony sitting on her desk. It was a rather silly cliché, but sweet nonetheless. And the smell of breakfast was making her stomach grumble. He seemed to be whipping up a good variety of meals, from maple sausage to pancakes. She had just slithered out of bed and begun changing when she heard footsteps padding towards her room. She dove frazzled under the covers, and heard Kurama chuckle. He had not even opened her door.
"Botan, I was not going to peek at you. I was just wondering if you wanted some orange juice." The voice was muffled through the wood, but the humor was still evident. "And don't forget, Koenma is probably already waiting on us. I sent him a message earlier telling him that I had some urgent news to address him with. He did not sound too excited about meeting us but he has agreed nonetheless."
"Of course. I'll be right out." She was suddenly not hungry any more. Her stomach churned at the very thought of food and the scents wafting through the house smelled sickly sweet. She hurried into her Reaper outfit and puller her hair up.
Kurama was finishing up his own plate when she rushed out. "Time to go meet Koenma, right?"
"After you eat, yes, we'll go meet him. I know your nervous, but don't worry. You said yourself it's unlikely."
"What made you want to do this? What makes you think that a past life is even a possibility?"
"I was surprised when you did not ask sooner." He smiled at her and pulled one of the letters from his pocket. "It is just a hunch, from some of the things he describes. I'll explain it more after we talk to Koenma."
"I really wish you would stop saying that." Botan sat at her table, staring at the mound of food Kurama had set on her kitten covered placemat. "It makes my stomach churn." He said nothing as she choked down a few bites of pancake and a sausage. Kurama began to head out the door, once it was apparent she was not going to continue eating, holding it open as she passed by.
Koenma was already waiting for them, a look of annoyance furrowed behind his pacifier. Kurama's previously cordial face went furious, changing the annoyance to worry immediately. "What is this urgent business Kurama?" She could hear the feigned innocence in his voice. He knew something was up.
"You've lied." Botan had expected a question, a leeway into the topic. No one had ever outright accused Koenma of being a liar. Kurama continued on with his assault. "And don't you dare try to tell me you haven't. A lie by omission is a lie nonetheless."
"I'll dare whatever I like, Kurama! Now what is it you're accusing me of!?" Koenma's voice was shrill. He knew already. How did he know?
"You've been hiding Botan's life from her all this time. You've known. I've broken into those vaults before; you didn't think I could again?" Kurama pulled a book from his pocket, tossing it at the feet of the toddler. "I've not read it. Unlike you, I've respect for Botan."
"Hush now, fox-boy! You have no right to—"
"You have no right to lie to anyone for… How long now? I—" Botan's fall snapped him out of his tirade. Her chest was heaving, her breathing shallow. Tears spilled in a stream from her eyes. Immediately Kurama scooped her up. "I'm sorry. I let my temper get away from me. Are you alright, Botan?"
"Alright? Am I alright? My boss… My friend has lied to me," She paused, gulping in a breath. "My friend has been lying to me since I met him; I've been lied to about who I am. About everything. I'm not alright!"
"I'm sorry Botan, I truly am. It was for your own protection." The apology fell on deaf ears.
"This is what your protection has wrought." Kurama tossed one of the letters to the toddler sized ruler. Koenma only skimmed the first few lines before he threw the letter back.
"I'll not have any more accusations against me. You're making a habit of this Kurama, and I'd be careful with it."
"Just tell us how to get her memories back and we'll be on our way."
"I'm afraid it is not as easy as all that. You see, Botan died. The memories she has are really and truly the only ones that are in her mind. I never did remove anything. These threats must be someone from her past life. Reapers are an unusual sort, obtained in very rare and very specific circumstances. A normal person could only ever become a reaper by contract, choosing to give up their usual mortality to serve in the Styx forever. That's not to say they become immortal. A reaper must be pulled from the cusp of death, and revived into their new abilities and lives as a ferry. Botan had to be revived, her spirit put back into a broken body and forced alive with quite a lot of complicated trickery. The soul of Botan is human, but the body was that of an ice apparition. This is why her hair is naturally blue, such an uncommon color for the human's that her behavior and abilities emulate. The only physical characteristic of her human original that she retained was her eye color, which is surprising due to its rarity."
"Are the things written in this book then all that remains of the human Botan?"
"That is the only record that I am aware of that has any mention of the life she lived before. It is a history of a war, in which Botan was a spy and holder for the Spirit World. There is much in there that is difficult to explain, but since she herself wrote it, I assume it will be the most telling evidence that you'll find for what you're looking for." Koenma reached out but Botan screamed at him.
"Do not touch me, Koenma. Of all we've been through, I'd have never thought you could do this to me." She backed away and hurried on to her room, Kurama hot on her heels. He tossed a glare over his shoulder and saw Koenma crouch on his knees and lay his head in his hands. At the least, true regret was there.
He just barely caught up with Botan as she mounted her oar and zipped off across the sky. Her tears flew behind her, landing to the ground like the tiniest of raindrops. "Botan, we've got to meet the others! We have to let them know!" She may find him cruel for reminding her, but she would have been more upset if something happened to the others. As she had left him behind the best he could do was to meet at the field with the others and hope that she did not get hurt along the way.
Botan's life seemed to be whizzing around her head like an annoying fly, impossible to catch and screaming with a quiet infuriating noise that drowned out every other thought. She had heard Kurama's reminder and tried to steer her course that direction, but her heart was not in it. She ended up far into the sky, vast amounts of nothing in either direction of her. Still her tears fell and she tried to unscramble any possible memories that may have given this away before now. Why had she never wondered where she had come from before? Why had she never thought to ask about her own existence? Had her life been so concentrated on death that she did not think to ask of the makings of her own life? Who had the human Botan been, and who then was this apparition that she appeared so like? Which one of the two had procured so vile an enemy to carry over even after their death? It was mid-morning by the time she pulled out from her thoughts enough to realize that she should have already been meeting with the guys. Had Kurama already told them?
When she arrived Kurama and Hiei were the only ones still waiting for her. Hiei looked bored and annoyed, but immediately upon her arrival Kurama smiled and reached his hand out to her.
"I am glad to see you have made it. Yusuke and Kuwabara had my head for letting you out of sight. They've gone off to find you, and in their anger have forced me to stay here. I had faith you would show up eventually. I have told Hiei of our arrangement. He begrudgingly agrees."
"Only because I find it laughable that you've so little faith in their frail human bodies that you'd endeavor to make us protect them." Hiei rolled his eyes, but she was grateful nonetheless.
"Do they know about my past?" She looked down, turning red. She tried to ignore the snap of Hiei's head towards her. Nothing would make this easy.
"No, I have yet to mention it. I was unsure how you wanted to proceed."
"I will tell them. Do you think we could get them back here? I've been worried." She smiled a shaky smile, unable to summon her cheerful self. To her surprise, Hiei dashed off with only a casual glance at Kurama.
They were alone again, and she felt herself grow embarrassed at her behavior earlier. Though it was understandable that she should be distraught, she could not help but feel under Kurama's cool and composed nature that she had somehow lost her head. She felt a tightness in her throat loosen and sniffled as she held back another fresh batch of tears when he walked up to her and gave her a quick and reassuring hug,. His chin rested on her head for a moment as he smoothed down her hair. "Do not worry, they do not expect you to be composed, and neither do I. They will be only more understanding of your distress when they've heard the whole of it."
"Heard the whole of what, you two?" Yusuke and Keiko walked up behind the two of them, the former snickering with his hands behind his head.
Kurama turned a deep red and jumped away from her as if scalded. "She was distraught. I was merely comforting her." Yusuke ignored his waving hands and nudged him jokingly with his elbow.
"I'm actually a human that has died and been forced into an ice apparition's body to become a reaper. I have no memories of my human life, nor of the life of the apparition whose body I stole. For reasons that have not been told to me they insisted upon making me a reaper despite having to break a dozen rules and enact special circumstances. Kurama found a book that has details of my former life in it, but I do not know if it is the life of my body or my soul." The words tumbled out immediately, ending the teasing.