A/N: Thanks for the reviews! G, I have no doubt that you've figured me out. :-) This one is a little longer for ya. Lackluster Brilliance, glad to see a some Chaubrey love but you know as a fic writer I have to drag Chloe through the drama before she can decide who makes her happy. ;-) Your enthusiasm is greatly appreciated and I hope you keep reading.
This took me a bit to write but I hope everyone enjoys. The weekend is coming soon so I plan on getting a few more chapters written then.
I had been over it for a long time. A year and a half later the wound was healed and nearly forgotten but scar tissue tore away easily and cancer recurred. Little dark mutating cells dividing and reproducing with new stimulation. Even the radiation of new love hadn't been able to get all of Beca out of me.
Her voice flushed anger through my blood even through the phone. However, after twenty-four years I was adept at pretending happiness in social situations. It wasn't just anger it was the agony. Waking up in a lonely bed changed the meaning of what we shared that night. She tore away the expectations by leaving without an explanation.
An year later I ran into Dr. Mitchell in the campus bookstore. He recognized me even though I was trying to avoid it. His smile reminded me of hers. Just a little crooked and cynical. Beca talked about you a lot… she's in California now, the unwanted updates made my control slip.
When I got home I attacked Aubrey like an animal, needing comfort without giving her words of explanation. She missed a lot of things that went on under the surface. No one ever asks happy people if anything is wrong because it never occurs to them that the smiles are a partial front for the sadness. I was, I am very happy now and I will go into this knowing that nothing about that is going to change.
I was still on the phone when Aubrey arrived. She always came home tired and mentally spent after a day of classes and studying. Medical school was a calling that took her away from what her father wanted but so had a lot of other things. He still doesn't know about us. Being around her parents feels like a pressing weight on my heart and mind but I can't say anything because I know what it would mean. She would no longer have a family and I can't be the reason that havoc is wreaked on that relationship.
I pray that someday maybe we can be honest with them because hiding makes me feel shameful and trapped. Sometimes I just don't go to the family dinners because I can't breathe when I think Mrs. Posen might have seen how I looked at Aubrey or the light touch I placed on her hand, something I never think about until we are hiding under the scrutiny of people who are supposed to love her for who she is.
I hid the call and the meeting from her for no good reason. I just needed to keep it to myself for a little longer. It felt like my mental property and the feelings stirred up from the bottom of my heart wouldn't do either of us any good to discuss. Another fight was something I couldn't stand. Aubrey hated Beca and I understood why. She sees in black and white and not only had Beca hurt me, she had taken from Aubrey the things that made up her identity. I understood how they both felt and thought. Maybe that was my problem. I see everything, every side of an issue, but cannot find the words to bridge the misunderstanding between them. Aubrey and Beca speak completely different languages and I was fluent in both. I loved both.
I got there ten minutes early. Everything looked just like it had when I was going to Barden. The booth in the corner still had this little place where the cloth was peeling back. the baristas still wore the hats with a coffee mug logo on them, and the old, stained menu hung on the wall offering the same selections. Nervous energy bounded around inside me.
When I got to the counter I ordered a drink and waited, eyes roaming the rest of the cafe. The art hand changed, the aesthetic a little harsh and barren in the ink on paper drawings. I took a sip out of the cup that was handed to me, feeling it all the way down my throat and stomach. It was empty so I knew that the caffeine would take effect sooner rather than later.
It settled me rather than make the tension tighter. I checked my phone, three minutes past two. When my eyes found the door again she came through, looking just as she had the day she left but something was different. My teeth captured my lip and clenched hard before I got up to greet her.
I promised myself to be normal. "Hey," I said.
Beca pulled back the chair across from me but I hopped up and spread my arms. Her face erased and came back to an expression of relief. She felt small in my arms, thin and airy. She could float away at any moment. I didn't hold on for too long. Being conscious of every movement was now necessary because Beca dealt in actions not words. She read body language and looks like they were printed on your body.
"How are you?" She asked.
"I'm good," I said. "I don't have a lot of time. I have to get back to work but I wanted to see you for sure."
The edge of her lips dipped in a half frown and she met my eyes for the first time. "Oh, that sucks but I understand." She looked at the counter to see if the line was shorter. "What do you do?"
I smiled. This was something I could talk about with ease. "I'm a teacher, third grade." Silence was her answer so I kept speaking. "I love it. The kids are great and it's fun, but I'm going to go get my masters in psychology and substitute teach while I'm in school starting next year." I could feel her thinking, hard and fast, like she wanted to say something but didn't know how. "Aubrey says I should just teach at Barden after I get my masters and then get a PHd but I don't know. I might just be a counselor."
Her eyes sparked with recognition. "Oh, you're still friends with Aubrey?" The cup felt warm, too warm, in my hands. The question lay in the air between us while I decided if I should tell her everything or not. I had already omitted things from Aubrey.
"Yeah, you could say that," I said.
"Cool," she replied, "I'm going to get some coffee."
I watched her get up and get in line. A mention of Aubrey had stilted the conversation quickly. I tried to stop remembering what it was like to have her near me in much more intimate terms than this but it was burned in my body. Even thinking of Aubrey's hands on me and the happiness I had with her didn't stop the power of the memory.
A cup being set on the table brought me back. "How is Aubrey?" She asked. Her voice was cautious, a parsing tone seeking information that she didn't know if she wanted.
She's fine, great actually. She just finished her second year of med school and she loves it. It's perfect for her." That helped, remembering the joy I felt seeing Aubrey happy.
"Really? I thought she was supposed to be a lawyer. Her dad is one, right?"
"Yeah but she picked medicine and I am really glad she did because even though it pissed him off she's better off doing what she really wanted to do." We were dancing around the real things we both wanted to talk about but I don't think all of me wanted to know why she left. It might make it harder to hate her for it.
"You look good," she said.
I drank again. "Thanks. You don't look so bad yourself." I pushed the cup away. "You've been in California?"
Now, we were on territory that she wasn't as comfortable in. Her arms folded in front of her. "Yeah, LA… I'm actually thinking about moving back." She looked up, dark blue swirls ruining my concentration. "It wasn't what I thought it would be and I think I might finish school. I thought maybe a business degree would help me get farther with my music."
"Wow, yeah, that makes sense." I said. Another dream crashed down. Beca's love for music almost defined her and I knew that had to be a hard blow for her. Maybe that was why she was back.
Her mouth opened and closed like punctuation. "Listen, I didn't come here to talk about this… well, I did but that's not all. I need to apologize. The way I left was beyond stupid. I was an idiot and I need you to know that I regret it every day."
Her face was so earnest and her tone pleading. She had waited a long time to say this and I just let her continue, my tongue heavy in my mouth.
"And I think I loved you and that was hard because I didn't know that is what it was or how to process it." She pushed back her hair with a hand. "I don't think I meant to say that last part." A harsh laugh escaped her. "I just wanted to tell you, that it had nothing to do with you. I was just so confused and messed up then and you deserved better."
"Thank you," I whispered. This was torturous and dangerous because the electricity was still there. Her apology had brought it back. I hated the feelings, my heart was a traitor and part of me didn't care. "I'm glad you said that. It means something after all this time to hear it but it took me awhile to get over what you did but I am and I'm happy now." I looked away trying to rid myself of her spell.
Her hand shot out to mine. "I know. I can't offer anything else but an apology but I just hope that you can forgive me and that we can move on." Her small fingers were cold and soft on mine. I grabbed them and squeezed. She squeezed back and I was lost again. "Can we start over?"
"Yes." Thought didn't enter into to the answer. It was pure instinct. Maybe I was doomed to forever say yes to Beca. "But I have to go." I pulled my hand away and closed it, capturing the feeling of her skin on mine. Then, I grabbed my bag and swung it onto my shoulder. "Bye," I said turning to her. I don't think I've ever left a place so quickly in my life.
She was back under my skin, not all the way and not in the same way she had been before. Comparing it to drinking five shots of hard liquor in quick succession after having abstained from drinking for years would have been an accurate depiction of how I felt. It was clear that she still thought about me and it appeared that she did it a lot. I hadn't told her about my relationship or how I was in a different place now. Being stuck in the past for forty minutes had made me drunk, stumbling around in the events of years ago. I needed to go home, needed to feel normal again.
Instead of going back to work I went home, to our small loft filled with daylight. There were tall windows all along one wall that started at the high ceiling and ended a foot before the floor. I liked to sit in the comfortable, old leather love seat and look out at the city. You could see a graveyard below, tiny, gray tombstones, a reminder than the dead were always here no matter how many years passed.
The light steadily faded as I sat staring out and sunset painted the sky with purples and oranges, my favorite colors. Time just kept going while I kept thinking about what I was going to do and wondering why Beca coming back made me question everything I had built.
The front door opened and Aubrey came in, face flushed from the cold and arms full of books. Her hair was pulled back into a wavy ponytail and she was wearing my favorite jeans. I felt a laugh bubble up inside me. It was followed by a feeling of pure joy. Just the sight of her made eclipsed all my doubt. She was forever rescuing me from myself.
Her books were placed in a stack on the desk and her bag hung on the hook in the entryway. There was never a thing out of place. Living with Aubrey was a neat and ordered existence. By the time she sat on the chair arm and slid into the seat beside me, I was grinning widely.
She kissed my cheek and leaned her head against my shoulder with a weary sigh. "Today sucked," she said.
I snuck my arm between the chair and her back, pulling her into me. "I'm sorry. I guess the test didn't go so well?" Her head shook back and forth and the familiar smell of her shampoo and perfume put me at ease. "If it helps, I missed you today." She raised her head to look at me.
"As good as your intentions are… now I'm just more sad." She bumped me and my body swayed over. Her smile betrayed her appreciation of my sentiment. "What did you do today?" I tensed not having a ready reply. There was no option but to tell her. Honesty was paramount.
"Well, I worked on my lesson plans for next semester, went to a meeting, and Beca was in town so I met her for coffee." I said it quickly and without ceremony.
"Excuse me," she said. The words slapped the air. "Beca as in Mitchell?"
"Yeah," I said. I needed to stop this before she got to anger. "It was nothing. She called me and asked if we could catch up." I shrugged. "So, we talked for about thirty minutes."
Aubrey mulled the explanation. "She called you." Her lips pursed like they always did when she was figuring something out. "How did she get your number?"
It was a question I hadn't even considered. "I don't know. I didn't ask and she didn't say but like I said we talked and then I left." Defending myself came naturally but I could see that it was giving her more to think about. I could see the questions she wouldn't ask flick across her face. Aubrey always doubted someone's words before accepting them.
She relaxed and stood up. "What do you want for dinner?"
Just like that the conversation was closed. She would go on wondering and not asking and I would try to slip in assurances. If Aubrey Posen had an Achilles heel, or least an arch nemesis, it was Beca, . There was nothing I could do to keep my past with her from being a sore point. All I could do was try to make her see that I loved her and a big part of that was because she was the one who was always there to pick me up when something went wrong. She saved me after Beca left me miserable.