The whole fault
Chapter 2: Inappropriate behavior
Eren laid helplessly awake on his bed. His insomnia had nothing to do with the rough sheets, the wet air of the basement, or the leak that told him it was raining outside. Instead, it started with a question, one that kept appearing in his head like a plage since they returned from Stohess. What the hell was he doing?
For starters, it was clear he was going insane and, the Captain seemed to be the reason why. Ever since he could remember, the man inspired in him a deep admiration he didn't feel towards any other being. He was a man capable of moving mountains, capable of overpowering odds with the strength of his will alone. His small stature and humble origin meant nothing against that greatness. Eren had enough reasons to worship him as the utmost hero. But at that time, when he was a mere child, the Captain was a nothing more than a distant figure he didn't have any chance to reach. But when he finally met him, his admiration turned into appreciation.
Captain Levi, though still a hero in his eyes, gained then a human side. He was fond of well brewed tea. He enjoyed to clean. He had serious sleeping issues. He secretly loved his cravat. He hated filling reports and attend to meetings. When he suffered from headaches his eyes were more shadowed than usual. He had a hard past. It intrigued him what happened inside his head, what were his motivations, his hopes, his wishes. His convictions. He wanted to know what was right and wrong to him. He wanted to know the man he had entrusted his life to, the man that would stab a blade on him if he had to. At some point, the inclination turned into… infatuation?
He wasn't sure how long has it been, but before noticing, he was slowly getting obsessed with the raven locks that contrasted with that pale skin deprived of sunlight. Those stormy orbs, piercing and deep at the same time. The delicate curves of his neck. That slender waist he died to embrace. Those thin legs that bent almost seductively when he sat. The distant hero was no more. Now, he even could recall how his lips tasted. Cold, soft, hesitant, yet incredibly sweet. He could recall his minute frame pressed against his, stiff and warm. He could recall his scent, soap mixed with a very personal, pleasant smell. He wanted to feel him. To take his mouth, to squeeze his hips. It was driving him mad. Apparently, enough to assault him unconsciously.
Guilt ate him alive for weeks after the incident in Stohess. How the hell did he come to attack his Captain? His hero? Was he that desperate to have him? Were his desires that demanding? Would have he gone all the way? Shit, he was only half conscious at the time, but it took a mere provocation for him to lose control. He refused to think what could have happened if the Captain wouldn't have stopped him. It would do no good. But, he dared to wonder why was that he stopped him so late. He wasn't sure, for his mind was still foggy at the time, but he thought he remembered seeing bite marks in the man's neck. Bite marks of his doing. It was hard to believe that the same man capable of moving mountains with his will, wasn't capable to reject him before getting bitten. Before being pinned. True, he was injured –and Eren himself was the responsible–, but that couldn't be enough reason. Captain Levi wouldn't be touched if he didn't want to.
The doubt gave him hope. He didn't know exactly what was he hoping for, but it gave him the courage to keep trying, to reach forwards and see how far he could get. How far the man would allow him to go. Because reaching forwards was the only option left to him.
Eren was aware. Aware of how wrong it seemed. A man, several years older than him and his superior. Captain Levi was all that. Well, screw it! He would die any given moment, right? One day a guy from the Military Police would finally shot him in the guts, or an angry titan would kidnap him for eleventh time, or maybe the sky would burn and the earth would crack, because the world was so fucked up, it seemed to be putting its best efforts in ending him for good. Before any of that happened, he was determinate to live. And live by his own will. Maybe one day, he would be able to move mountains too.
The Captain had been gone for a few days. Apparently, Commander Erwin had some important meeting he couldn't attend to, so the man was sent instead. He wasn't supposed to know, he was just a cadet, but soldiers talked and he couldn't restrain himself from listening. And if what he had heard was right, Captain Levi would return to the Head Quarters that night. He would be upset, he would be tired. Eren didn't know why, but rain put the man in a foul mood. Fouler mood. Would it be too daring if he waited for him? He was already awake, and he wouldn't fall asleep any time soon. It deserved a try.
He got out of bed, wore his boots, his jacket and took a glimpse outside his door. Luckly, it wasn't closed. It hadn't been since they returned from Stohess. Careful to be silent, he took the oil lamp that hang outside his room and left the basement. If he had to guess, the Captain would appear at a back door, maybe the one of the stables. He headed there, sat at the floor near the entrance, and waited. And waited, and waited, hearing the heavy rain fall outside. He couldn't deny he was slightly nervous. Would the Captain be too pissed that he wasn't at the basement? He could almost hear his scolding voice, commanding him to go back to bed. But something in his guts told him he had to be there, to receive the man. It was the least he deserved.
Time passed. At some point he dozed off, for he woke startled when he heard gallop mixing with the rain. He stood quickly, debating with himself if he had to open the door. The gallop stopped. There were steps and muffled words. And then more gallop that fade after a moment. But the seconds passed and the door to the castle remained closed. Eren grew anxious. Without thinking too much he opened the door at once. The first thing he saw was a pair of gray, beautiful eyes, barely growing with surprise. Two second later, he was opening the door further to let the man pass. The man's jacket dripped all over the floor.
–What the fuck are you doing out of bed? –he asked, right after the door was shut again.
–Welcome back, sir. I was waiting for you.
–Tch, I can see that. You were ordered to stay at the basement at night.
–But, sir… –Eren couldn't finish. The Captain snatched the lamp out of his hand, grabbed him by the shoulder and started dragging him along the hallway. The boy surrendered–. Fine, fine –he said, only then he was released from the painful grip–. How was your trip? –he asked politely while walking towards the basement, the man's steps close behind him.
–Boring as fuck –he replied. Eren sighed silently. It was impossible to make conversation with him. They arrived to the stairs leading to the basement without a word and descended.
Suddenly, the man cursed.
–Shit –the next second came the sound of the lamp smashing against the floor.
–Sir? –Eren was startled. In the dim light of the torches still burning in the near wall, he saw the Captain fallen over the stairs. Immediately he crouched to his eye level.
–Is nothing –answered the man with a somber tone. In the mild darkness, Eren could still make out his silhouette, his hunched shoulders, his bowed head. Somehow, he looked defeated.
–Are you alright?
–I was forced to drink, just that.
–Let me help you.
–And do you think you can help me? –the man retorted. Eren wondered if the question went beyond their current predicament.
–Yes –he said right away. The Captain heaved sarcastically.
–Try if you can –he spat.
Without giving it a second thought, Eren hooked the man's arm over his own shoulders and raised him from the floor, supporting part of his weight. He led him down the stairs, to his room. There, he made sure to close the gate after entering with the man in his grasp. Guessing his way to the bed, he mover blindly until he could leave the Captain safely sitting on it. Next, he looked for his poor nightstand where he always left a candle ready to be lit. With the little flame illuminating the space, Eren knelt before the man. Only then, he could see him closely. Droplets of rain fell from his hair, he shivered lightly, the dark marks under his eyes were too pronounced and his cheeks were flushed. Was that because of the cold or the alcohol? His eyes were downcast, he looked smaller than he was. Drunk, angry, tired. Eren couldn't stop the words that came from his mouth.
–Is there anything I can do for you? –he asked, almost in a whisper. The man raised his eyes, and bore them into Eren's. A silent staring contest took place.
The boy swore those gray, weary eyes spoke silent words to him. Just with his glance the man was capable of telling what he wanted from him. Eren didn't know when he started to lean forwards, as if being absorbed by that gaze, ready to comply Levi's wish. When the man closed his eyes, giving him allowance, the boy knew he wasn't misunderstanding the signals. And forward he went.
He touched Levi's lips softly, probing at the cold skin with intention but delicacy. A hand came up to grab at the front of his shirt, Eren was pulled lightly. He accepted the command, and stroked the flesh more and more intently, until he was eagerly roaming over those lips with his tongue, waiting for access. The lips parted, and he took his time savoring the insides of that mouth. Levi's tongue molded against his with ease, keeping up with the pace, accepting the caresses.
Cautionaly, Eren wrapped his arms around the man, slowly engulfing his waist, the small of his back, his shoulder blades. The fence of Levi's knees parted. Hell, he could swear that the grip in his shirt was tighter. Eren got closer and closer, assuring his embrace on the man, not quite realising how close he was getting until his hips met the man's. A silent gasp escaped them both, their kiss interrupted. Right there, between them, where two bulges pressed together. To Eren, it was a precious proof that told him he wasn't the only one.
–Go on –whispered Levi against his mouth.
–What?
–I said, go on –the man retorted. Eren almost couldn't believe his words. Almost. Was the man asking what he thought the man was asking?
–You sure? –he asked, as if in a daze.
–I won't repeat myself –was Levi's answer.
–Then tell me how –he dared to ask. The man clicked his tongue.
–Find a way –he murmured back. Eren heaved.
Between the sudden terror and the overwhelming excitement, the boy felt about to burst. This could go wrong in many ways. It could even cost his neck, right? But frankly, he was too happy to even care. He would lose his neck sooner or later; when he did, at least he would know that he acted when his Captain told him to. So he threw caution to the wind, followed his impulses and took what would probably be the riskiest decision he could at the moment.
First, the wet clothes had to go away. He took out the man's drenched jacket and started to undo the buckles of his maneuver gear. With a little effort, he managed to take off the leader straps and then the boots, that revealed small, pale feet. He fidgeted with the knot of his cravat before sliding carefully the fabric out of his neck. Then he unbuttoned the shirt and let it fall out of thin shoulders. The sight was breathtaking. A torso that even displaying well defined muscles, was slender and delicate to the eyes. The white skin was covered in numerous scars, the straps of the gear forever stamped. Upright, gray eyes were hidden behind black locks.
–You too –he commanded in a silent voice.
–Yes –Eren replied. Then, he unceremoniously got rid of his boots, his jacket and his own shirt, thinking how couldn't he anticipate that it was only fair to be as nude as the man. He had no time to apologize though. The moment the shirt was off, Levi jerked him by the neck and pressed himself against his chest. The man was trembling profusely, goosebumps spreading all over his exposed body–. Shit, you're freezing –Eren gasped, heat filling his entire body at the sudden contact with bare skin. He didn't lose any more time. Gently, he pushed the man backwards, to make him lie over the sheets. He soon followed, making sure to cover them both with the few blankets of his bed.
Once lying, Eren's first reflex was to envelope Levi in his arms, sharing his body heat and relishing how wonderful it was to feel the man's frame with his own, in spite of their temperature difference. How wonderful it felt to have him trapped between himself and the mattress. How nice was to fill his nose with that endearing scent, even if it was mixed with tobacco and alcohol.
–Don't get distracted –mumbled the man.
–I'm not –he said back, looking for those irresistible lips with his hungry ones.
Not waiting too much for permission, Eren got into Levi's mouth at once, roaming through it wholly. When that wasn't enough, he descended along the man's neck leaving wet kisses on his path, surprised when shivers and little gasps started to come out of Levi. That gave him the courage to keep going on and on. When he got to Levi's throat, he savoured it slowly, caressing the soft skin with his lips, and even giving soft nibbles of appreciation to the apple that went up and down along the shaking breath.
Not letting go of his neck, Eren took his time tracing the shape of the man's waist with his hands, soon encountering the hem on his pants. Discreetly, he unbuttoned them and, without any sort of warning, he slipped his hand inside. He went lower and lower, until Levi gave out an actual moan when he wrapped his hand around what made him a man. Immediately, he trapped Levi's mouth in his while, carefully, he started to rub the delicate flesh. Silenced by the kiss, little moans and gasps escaped in rows, each one of them got to Eren's very core, making him bolder and content.
Levi's legs moved around him in spasms, as if in their own accord; and at some point, the man's hands raised to grab his shoulders, as if looking for some sort of support. To Eren, being able to pleasure this man was satisfying on itself. To hear his muffled moans and feel his spasms knowing he was responsible for them was enough to make him happy. But then, Levi pushed him apart, separating their mouths.
The man gasped for air, over and over. Eren felt the hands that held onto his shoulders slide down to his waist. There, they undid the button of his pants, that were still in place. Out of the blue, his erection was softly groped, reminding him how painful it was becoming. When Eren raised his questioning eye's, he met Levi's defiant orbs, staring at him from under their eyelashes, darkened with want. Eren's mouth went dry. Right, it was only fair.
Not giving it seconds thoughts, the boy pulled the restricting clothe down Levi's hips, soon his own followed. He positioned himself. Their bodies met, manhood against manhood. The soft moans came in pairs.
Tenderly, he leaned his head, so their foreheads touched. Then, Eren took one of Levi's hands in his. With their hands intertwined around their joined lengths, they rubbed together, carefully at first. It was somewhat odd to be touched so intimately by someone else, by a strange body. But all oddness soon became nothing against the shared pleasure. It felt so damn good. With each stroke they became more sure. Levi choosed the pace; he wanted slow and hard. Eren complied, following the man's hands and returning the same amount of force he was given.
Little by little, it drove him mad. Heat accumulated on his lower belly, focus was only on the man below him, tension was becoming more powerful. Each stroke took him higher and higher. Eren was barely aware that their hips were rocking against each other, that their breaths were mixing with their pating. Fuck, it wasn't enough. He coaxed their hands to go faster. A louder moan came out of Levi's agape mouth at the sudden change. A louder moan came out of his own mouth when Levi complied.
They raced to the edge together. They striked frantically. It made Eren lose his mind completely. The tension build up in him, till it was impossible to bear. The unexpected high pitched gasp that came from Levi as his body tensed was the ultimate push Eren needed. All that was pent up collapsed abruptly. A carnal groan emerged from the deepness of his throat while he resisted the blow of pleasure that came at once.
The intense feeling slowly went weaker and weaker, giving him a precious moment to enjoy the last taste of it. When it was gone, his strength gave up. He leaned over the man, trying not to give him too much of his weight as to make him uncomfortable. Their joined hands let go of each other, lazily. For a moment they did nothing but pant.
Only when he regained some of his breath, Eren raised to face the aftermath. Levi laid with eyes closed and cheeks flushed, looking completely exhausted but far more relaxed than before. Down south, everything was a wet disaster. That sight put him into action. He got up enough to reach for his discarded shirt. Carefully, he wiped the man's torso, his stomach, his chest. He took care of setting his pants in the right place again. Without the same delicacy, he arranged himself. All the while, Levi stood unmoving. Eren wondered if he was actually asleep.
–Sir? –Eren whispered. There was no response. Not opening his eyes, the man simply curled up on his side. Eren swallowed hard. Alright, he could cope with that.
He managed to settle beside the man. The bed was already small with himself, but with two people was absolutely cramped. And he couldn't be more thankful for that. Levi only fit if he was pressed against him, he fit better if he was being embraced. Eren delicately nestled the man on his chest, making sure to cover him wholly with the blankets. He couldn't help it. A bittersweet smile tugged at his lips when he realised the man wasn't freezing anymore.
The frantic warning was still present in the back of his head; this could definitely cost his neck. But he had already decided to take all the risks, so to fall asleep with the man in his arms and his unconscious face to behold, was more than a blessing. It was worth it. All the consequences would have to wait until the next day.
The first thing Levi was conscious of, was the warmth. He was enveloped in a cocoon of arms and blankets. Warm, almost too hot. When he opened his eyes, the only thing he saw was a silhouette barely standing out in the darkness. His heavy lids fell on place. It was tempting to give into the slumber. And keep sleeping. And keep sleeping. And keep...
His eyes snapped open. Where was he? His foggy memory quickly gave him the answer. This was Eren's room. Eren's bed. Eren's arms. There was another horrifying fact; he had slept more than two hours in a row. Fuck no! He had to get out of there. Out of the bed. Out of the room. Out of the basement. Quick.
But just to get out of the firm embrace without waking the boy, took him quite a struggle. A necessary one, for he wasn't capable of confronting him just yet. How was that he ended pressed against Eren's half naked body? Shit, he was half naked too. And it was fucking cold in there. Clothes, clothes, he needed to find his clothes. While gathering the discarded garments, the memories rushed to his head. The kisses. On his mouth, on his neck. Hands traveling over his body. His chest, his stomach. His crotch.
The boy was a virgin, without a doubt. But had enough imagination to do that much. And he was drunk enough to agree with Eren's doing. Hell, he was drunk enough to ask for it. Shit. He was so fucking done. What was he thinking? Obviously, he wasn't. He got himself in there, he would have to deal with it. He couldn't let this get over his head. He couldn't let this interfere with his duty, for there was no place for mistakes in a war. He couldn't put Eren at risk over this. He couldn't let this reach the wrong ears. Any pair of ears. If not–
–Sir? –Levi stopped all motion. To sit on the bed to put on his boots had finally woke the boy. Shit. He quickly resumed his task.
–I have to go –he said harshly.
–I know –Eren said in a calm voice–. It hasn't dawn yet, so you still have time –he explained. Levi decided he wouldn't ask how Eren knew it wasn't dawn yet. Without another word, he wore his other boot and stood from bed to face the boy. Maybe it was just the right time to settle some things.
–I'll say this once, so listen carefully –he asserted. Eren sat on the bed, giving him full attention–. You won't let this interfere with your duty by any chance.
–No, sir. I won't let that happen.
–You won't say a word about this to anyone, not even your friends.
–I'll keep my mouth shut.
–And you won't forget I'm still your Captain. I'll cut your neck if you give me a reason. Understand?
–Understand.
–You better do, brat –he spat, before turning around and heading to the door.
–Wait, I have a condition of my own –the boy said. The Captain stopped in his tracks–. Please, stop calling me brat –he said. The man turned to dart a death glare on him.
–Who gave you the right? This is not a negotiation –Levi whispered with a dangerously low voice.
–You have all my respect. I'm only asking this in return –he responded. Levi's hands became fists, the sudden temptation to send a blow right in the boy's face made him tremble, but he contained himself on time. At the end, he just turned his back on him, and decided to leave the basement at once–. Sir, one more thing –the boy called, far more close than he was two seconds ago. Before Levi could spit a harsh remark, he felt Eren's lips on his cheek. And as quick as they got there, they disappeared–. Good morning, Captain –the boy whispered. The man clicked his tongue and clenched his jaw. Before murdering Eren right there, he slipped through the door and rushed out of the dungeon, boiling in anger.
He hurried through the stairs and empty corridors, with the urge to put as much distance as he could. He hurried to shower, to dress, as if that way he could regain some of his lost sense. He hurried to his office, to sit on the armchair at his desk, where he felt he had more power over his reality then he really did. And so, at dawn, Captain Levi was already immersed in work, dutifully filling pages and pages of the report Erwin expected soon. He barely stopped to eat, he didn't stopped to rest. He just went on and on, depriving his mind from all unnecessary thoughts.
It was late in the afternoon that his unceasing work was interrupted by a knock on his door. Before he could answer, Hanji appeared from behind with her usual grin. Levi almost breathed out in relieve.
–Hi, Levi –she greeted with a cheerful tone.
–What do you want four-eyes? –Levi said, barely rising his eyes to acknowledge her.
–It's that the way to receive your fellow comrade?
–Do whatever you have to and make it quick.
–How was your journey? –she asked, conversationally. The man didn't graced the attempt with a response–. As you wish. Erwin wanted me to give you this. Oh, and he says he's waiting your report –Hanji handed Levi a bundle of documents.
–Tell him I'll have it soon –he said, swiftly revising the new bunch of papers with a glance. A moment of silence passed, and Hanji didn't leave the room–. You're not here just to send Erwin's paperwork, are you?
–Levi, what happened last night? –asked Hanji, suddenly. Levi tensed. He left the papers aside, just to send her a glare. He averted his eyes once more after that.
–I don't know what...
–Don't play dumb, it doesn't suit you –she said firmly.
–Eren was up last night, waiting for me –he answered with a flat tone–. I made sure he returned to his room.
–Did you stayed with him after that? –Hanji asked. Levi didn't reply–. You see, I saw you rushing from the basement with your clothes disarranged. At morning –she carried on. Crap. Apparently, the corridors were not as empty as he believed. In his haste to sneak away, he failed to notice that the craziest woman in the Scouting Legion was there to see him. And she wouldn't buy any lie he could come up with.
–That's irrelevant. He's my subordinate and I'm his superior, I do what I have to.
–That's not what I asked.
–He's staying at the dungeon, he's training every day, he's doing his chores. He's even collaborating with your fucked up experiments. Eren is not neglecting his duties and I will not let him do it –he claimed. Somehow, he was quite surprised with himself at how strongly he was defending the boy. Hanji seemed to notice too.
–So, you stayed with him all night –said Hanji. It wasn't a question. Again, Levi remained in silence for a bit, his eyes never leaving the paperwork he had in front of him–. Doing what?
–None of your business –responded the man with a harsh voice. The woman remained silent for a bit.
–Do you have feelings for him? –she asked suddenly, not beating around the bush. Levi put a great effort in keeping a neutral expression and a calm voice when he spoke again.
–Like I said, none of your business –he declared. Hanji sighed.
–As a fellow comrade I must warn you, feelings can numb your judgement when the time comes. Besides, it's quite inappropriate to get involved like this with a subordinate, especially if it's Eren. Something like this can affect us all –asserted Hanji with a stern look in her eyes. The look Levi returned was just as stern–. But of course, you know that more than anyone. Now, as your friend…
–Who said we were friends?
–I'm happy for you. I never expected to see you caring that much over someone again.
–You're misunderstanding things.
–Listen, if those feelings are already there, there's nothing left you can do but to cling to them, because deny them will only kill you sooner.
–Roger. Is that all?
–No. Let me give you another advice –said Hanji, leaning over the desk, looking at Levi straight in the eyes–. He's young and reckless, but his feelings for you will be honest. Don't take them so lightly –she claimed. Suddenly, her bright mood came back in–. Now, I'm not taking more of your time. Have a nice day –she said, walking to the door while mindlessly waving her hand.
–Will you keep what you presume to yourself? –Levi asked, just before the woman could open the door. She only looked at him over her shoulder and smiled.
Once he was alone again, Levi threw the papers he just received over his desk without a care. Then, he sunk his head on his hands, while all the thoughts he put so much effort to ignore came crashing at once.
Of course personal issues could numb his fucking judgement. Of course to throw himself on a cadet's bed was the most inappropriate behavior, especially if it was with Eren Jaeger. Of course, get off with his titan subordinate would cause the world's imminent end. For fuck's sake, he didn't have the time to handle with the feelings of a boy. A brat who refused being called so.
In between the chaos of his head, the uninvited memories he so wanted to avoid danced in his mind eye. That hot mouth going down his neck, those warm hands roaming over his body. Those panting, those grunts. The pleasure spreading from inside. He wouldn't lie to himself. Deep down in his guts, he wanted it to happen again.