CHAPTER 1
The test went well, I hope. I answered all the questions and they didn't seem too hard so I'm optimistic I've secured a good enough grade.
I'm back at the apartment now and I've changed into Kate's black velvet Victoria Secret tracksuit while I binge watch Judge Judy and think about which food to order. It's around 7pm now and I've been ignoring Jose all day because I wanted to be alone. I had my test, I had lunch at an Italian restaurant, I went to the gym and I took a bubble bath with all my fancy bath crystals and candles. But now I'm feeling kind of lonely so I ring him.
"Thank God Ana," he sighs with relief. "I've been worried about you all day."
"Just a busy day," I tell him, half truthfully.
"You could have at least texted."
His voice conveys annoyance. Now I'm going to have to sweet talk him like a baby.
"Sorry babe," I say softly. "But I really want you now. Come round?" I ask this in the most pathetic girly voice I can muster up.
He melts straight away just like I knew he would.
"Just putting my shoes on. Can I bring you anything?" He asks.
"Can you bring Chinese, a bottle of wine, a little bit of weed, and of course your sexy body."
He laughs into the phone. "Of course. On my way."
I hang up and wait.
As soon as Jose arrives we curl up on the couch and watch a comedy while devouring the Chinese and wine. After that, we smoke for a little and fuck each other on the expensive leather couch.
He's on top of me now, his hot skin burning against mine. He runs his hands through my hair and kisses my cheek softly. He's gentle and quiet.
"Ana," he says softly.
I place my finger against his lips to silence him.
"Shh," I whisper. "Just, shh. Fuck me."
He's torn but he shakes his head.
"Ana, we can't always get high and fuck. We have to talk. It's what sustains a relationship."
I sigh. I knew what he was about to say but now he's crossed a line and I'm annoyed. I push him off me, standing up and re-dressing.
"Ana." He stands and pulls his t-shirt over his head. "You can't keep doing this. Pushing me away whenever I say something you don't want to hear."
I shrug back into my pants. "I don't need this right now Jose. Just go home."
He grabs me gently by the shoulders, forcing my gaze. His brown eyes are saddened with the burden of me stringing him along but I don't know what I can say to make him feel
better anymore.
"Come on baby. It's been a year. I need something."
"I've given you everything I have," I tell him honestly. "I don't have anything left to give. Not anymore."
He lets go now and steps back laughing humourlessly. "You gave it all to him right? Now there's nothing left? So, you expect me to just…what? I can't be your lap dog forever Ana."
He's hit a nerve and he knows it. "Don't speak to me about him," I warn. "You don't know anything Jose."
He nods and shrugs his shoulders, looking me up and down. "You know what? I don't. you're right, I don't know anything. Maybe I should just go."
He pulls on his jacket and walks toward the door. I don't say anything and I don't stop him. The only thing I do is close the door behind him.
I wake up at 7am and immediately get into the shower. On the way to the bathroom I hear Kate giggling in her room. 8-inch Mark must have come over. And all over her by the sounds of things.
As the hot water pours over me I wash away the scent of Jose and wine, hoping when I emerge maybe I'll be a brand new shiny clean person. That I'll be different, or maybe just the girl I used to be. The happy girl who didn't feel numb to everything that surrounds her, even the touch of another. The one that smiled and meant it, breathed in air instead of smoke. But she's gone, along with him, along with everything else that ever mattered.
By the time I'm ready and fully blow-dried, Mark is sat at the breakfast bar while Kate makes scrambled eggs in a tiny t-shirt showing off her long tanned legs.
"Hi Ana," Mark says as I make my way over.
"Hi," I sit down. "Nice night last night?" I ask looking at him. He's ridiculously good-looking, in the classic sense of course. That's Kate's type. Blonde, tan, baby blue eyes and muscular. He's the picture perfect All-American soccer guy and Kate's playing hard to get as usual.
He replies with a smirk and Kate blushes.
"You look fresh Annie," she grins, placing a plate of eggs in front of me.
"Thanks darling," I reply through a mouthful of eggs.
We all eat together before Kate kicks Mark out. Rule 1 according to her is to never be too keen in the early days.
"What's the plan for today Ana banana?" She asks cheerily sitting opposite me. "Field day with Jose?"
I shake my head through a forkful of eggs. "No way. We had an argument last night. I need some space from him I think."
She makes a face and takes a bite of her own food. "Was he asking for your undying love again?" She asks.
I nod.
"He's such a selfish prick." She says this angrily as she stands up again to fetch orange juice. "He knows what you've been through."
I shrug. "I can understand where he's coming from but I can't fix it. I can't be who he needs me to be."
"You don't need to be who he needs okay? You're you and he can fuck himself," she says sassily, forever the loyal best friend and always on my side. I laugh and she puts her laptop screen in front of me.
"Grey Enterprises Holdings," she says, pushing it toward to me. "They're offering 5 summer internships this year."
"5?" I ask, taking it from her. "Pretty stiff competition."
She dismisses me as I read over the requirements. "You have a 4.0, you're smarter than anyone there and you're pretty. Piece of cake. All you have to do is approve and I'll send it."
I look up from the screen at her. Her blue eyes are shining with excitement. "You already applied for me?" I ask.
She nods.
I lean across the table as best I can and give her the most awkward hug. "Thank you," I whisper.
"So send?"
"Send," I confirm.
Kate leaves for her internship shortly after. Yes, she's already had hers for a few weeks, of course. I decide to read for a bit and then study.
At around 10:30 I get a call from Jose which I decline immediately. He calls again and then sends a stream of text messages each beginning with I'm sorry. I flip out and throw my phone against the wall. I can't deal with this. Not now, not ever. Being with him is a mistake and I should have never let it get this far. Carry on this long. I'm at fault and I hate myself but there's nothing I can do about it. Putting him through this pain and torment, this never-ending wondering path of what if's is torture. With him I'm forced to acknowledge the deepest parts of myself, the very opposite of what I wanted. What I needed. I know what I need to do, I need to end this right wants me to love him. He wants me to love him like he loves me but I can't.
I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to.
Kate comes back at 6 with Thai food she picked up at a restaurant. She tells me all about her day which mainly consists of all the people she hates.
"Anyway," she says, finishing the last of her food. "We're going to a party on Friday night."
"What party?" I ask, turning down the TV volume, my ears perking up.
"This girl at work. She's celebrating her 30th and she's invited me and whoever I want to bring, which is obviously you."
"Kate-" I start. She interrupts immediately.
"Look Ana. This is a chance for you to dress classy and attend an upper-class birthday party, like the girls we truly are. No more drunken nights in $5 entry clubs and drug fuelled sex marathons in fields with lesser men such as Jose. This is the opportunity to meet a man actually worthy of your time." She shakes her head dismissively and takes a big sip of wine, tapping the outside of the glass with her manicured fingers. Eluding wealth and elegance from every pore, I can't help but give her a piece of my mind.
"You mean like the girl you truly are. I'm not upper-class Kate." I tell her. "My family isn't wealthy and neither am I." I stand up to leave. "So maybe lesser men like Jose are the types of men I belong with. You can take Tiffany or someone with you. I'm going to bed."
"Oh Ana," she says irritability. She goes to say something else but then stops and sips her wine. "Ah whatever, be like that. Fuck off then."
"Fuck you," I say through my teeth. Stupid bitch.
I grab my jacket and slam the door on my way out of the apartment.
It's midnight now and I'm in bed at Jose's. I've calmed down somewhat and I reply to Kate's I'm sorry I'm just drunk you know I didn't mean it text. She's my best friend. Our arguments never last long.
"How are you feeling?" Jose asks quietly.
"Better," I say truthfully.
We didn't have sex. We didn't smoke. We just sat in bed and watched cartoons and it was refreshing.
"I'm sorry about yesterday," he says for 100th time.
"It's okay," I tell him for the 200th.
"Good." He leans in to kiss my cheek. "We don't have to talk anymore," he whispers this as his lips move from my face to my neck.
I close my eyes and escape as his fingers dance across my skin, across my collarbone, down my breasts and skim over the scars on the inside of my thigh. They find my wetness and plunge in deep making me involuntarily arch my back and cry out. My body's physical reactions are responsive. It's what they like about me.
But that's where it stops. My mind is like a blank page, detached from the rest of me. I feel nothing. It's what they hate.
Next Chapter: Christian & Ana meet. Was thinking of doing the next chapter as a Christian POV but unsure. Let me know if you'd like that. Please review xox